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Am I not invited to my aunt's wedding? Do I tell my friend I clogged their toilet? Is there an Olympic Hall of Urine? And more! Email us: ROLF:

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[Theme music]

H: Hello! And welcome to Dear Hank and John!

J: Or as I prefer to think of it, Dear John and Hank

H: It's a comedy podcast where two brothers answer your questions, give you dubious advice, and bring you all the week's news from both Mars and AFC Wimbledon. 

H: Whew that AFC Wimbledon news, John. How are you doin?

J: [sighs]

J: I mean, I don’t know that I've ever experienced anything so overwhelming in my whole year. It's just

H: [laughs]

J: It's been a heck of a roller coaster for the AFC Wimbledon fans among us. In general, Hank, I'm doing poorly. I, to be honest with you we were just talking about this before we started recording the pod, but I uhm, I'm abandoning optimism. 

H: [laughs]

H: You're done

J: It was my brand for a long time, and I really believed in it as one always does in one's brand. But I am now, I have gone from being pretty sure that we are in the best year of human history to being pretty sure that we are in the best year of human history because all the ones after this are gonna be worse. 

H: [laughs]

H: Uhm John I've always wondered if you maybe were interested in writing a nonfiction book because obviously, you have create a lot of true content about the real world. And all your book stuff though is fictional. And I'm really looking forward to your future nonfiction book: Abandoning Optimism. 

J: [laughs]

J: If I actually write a nonfiction it's almost definitely going to be called The Anthropocene Reviewed. By the way, Episode 2 of my new podcast, The Anthropocene Reviewed, is available for your listening pleasure right now.

J: You want to know what I reviewed this time around Hank?

H: Uh no. Yes, I do. I don't know, but I want to. 

J: Halley’s Comet and cholera 

H: Okay, cool! I like that. Halley’s comet is an interesting choice in that you, and cholera, in that you are reviewing things that are definitely natural 

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H: phenomena to some extent.  Though Halley's Comet I think you could make the argument is so natural as to have been impacted by humanity, not at all. One of the few objects that we regularly discuss that has been in no way impacted by humanity. 

J: Oh, see I don't agree at all. Maybe it hasn't been impacted by humanity in the sense that we didn't like change its course or anything, but it has been impacted by humanity in the sense that we think about it. 

H: I mean, yes. It all comes down to- If a comet flies through the sky and no one’s around to see it, uh does that affect the comet at all. 

J: Correct, which it definitely does.

H: That’s the thing about The Anthropocene Reviewed, John, (available on wherever you get podcasts) is that it takes some pretty hard turns into some pretty heavy stuff

J: It is not nearly as funny as I initially intended it to be that's for sure

H: [Laughs]

J: Speaking of funny, today’s poem was suggested by listener Maya. Thank you Maya. It's called He Visits My Town Once A Year by Amir Khusrow. 

J: He visits my town once a year.

He fills my mouth with kisses and nectar.

I spend all my money on him.

Who, girl, you man?

No, a mango.

H: Mmmmm?

J: A mango, Hank. He visits my town once a year. And fills my mouth with kisses and nectar. I think mangoes are my favorite fruits

H: Oh!

J: and so I thought that I would read that poem about what I think is the greatest fruit in the history of the world. 

J: Also while we’re on the topic I think it's important Hank, that we note something, that several hundred thousand people uh let us know about over the last seven days, which is that dates are not figs. 

H: Correct. They are different things. And I feel like we had that conversation on the pod, John!

J: Apparently not to anyone’s satisfaction. So dates are not figs. We apologize for our paucity of knowledge on the date/fig front.

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J: We’ll have some more corrections later in the podcast, one of which is extremely important, but in the meantime, Hank let's answer some questions from our listeners. 

H: Yeah, my apologies to both dates and figs.

H: This first question comes from Abigail, who asks:

Dear Hank and John, my aunt is getting married over spring break and we’re all very excited as we love my aunt and her fiancé. There is a problem though. I was not invited to the wedding!

We received a formal invitation about a week ago and it says “it's a date night please find a sitter.”

And both my sister and I are widely considered to be children and are thus very distressed. My sister didn't sign up for a high school trip in order to go to this wedding.

Have I been uninvited? How can we talk to her about this without sounding like we don't respect her wishes? What in the world does “It's a date night” mean in relation to a wedding?

Best wishes, Abigail. 

H: Oh gosh, you gotta have that conversation I feel like. Cause maybe this means like no tiny kids, but you sound like a person whose not a tiny kid

J: Yeah, just based on their vocabulary, and their excellent spelling I don't think they're in like 3rd grade, so yeah.

It's a tough one because “this is a date night” might mean like “I want to behave in a way that I might not necessarily feel comfortable behaving in front of my 14-year-old niece.”

H: Yeah

J: Which should be the choice of the person who's getting married. It might mean “I cannot afford one more plate at this wedding”

H: [laughs]

J: Which I have a lot of respect for. In general, when I do not get invited to a wedding that I expected an invite to, I am grateful to the person.

And it does not make me think any less of them or any less of our friendship because I remember what every plate cost at my wedding and it was unimaginable amounts of money for three to four hours of ostensible enjoyment. So maybe it's just that Abigail.

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