[Theme music]


H: Hello! And welcome to Dear Hank and John!


J: Or as I prefer to think of it, Dear John and Hank


H: It's a comedy podcast where two brothers answer your questions, give you dubious advice, and bring you all the week's news from both Mars and AFC Wimbledon. 

H: Whew that AFC Wimbledon news, John. How are you doin?


J: [sighs]

J: I mean, I don’t know that I've ever experienced anything so overwhelming in my whole year. It's just

H: [laughs]

J: It's been a heck of a roller coaster for the AFC Wimbledon fans among us. In general, Hank, I'm doing poorly. I, to be honest with you we were just talking about this before we started recording the pod, but I uhm, I'm abandoning optimism. 

H: [laughs]

H: You're done

J: It was my brand for a long time, and I really believed in it as one always does in one's brand. But I am now, I have gone from being pretty sure that we are in the best year of human history to being pretty sure that we are in the best year of human history because all the ones after this are gonna be worse. 

H: [laughs]

H: Uhm John I've always wondered if you maybe were interested in writing a nonfiction book because obviously, you have create a lot of true content about the real world. And all your book stuff though is fictional. And I'm really looking forward to your future nonfiction book: Abandoning Optimism. 

J: [laughs]

J: If I actually write a nonfiction it's almost definitely going to be called The Anthropocene Reviewed. By the way, Episode 2 of my new podcast, The Anthropocene Reviewed, is available for your listening pleasure right now.

J: You want to know what I reviewed this time around Hank?

H: Uh no. Yes, I do. I don't know, but I want to. 

J: Halley’s Comet and cholera 

H: Okay, cool! I like that. Halley’s comet is an interesting choice in that you, and cholera, in that you are reviewing things that are definitely natural 

H: phenomena to some extent.  Though Halley's Comet I think you could make the argument is so natural as to have been impacted by humanity, not at all. One of the few objects that we regularly discuss that has been in no way impacted by humanity. 

J: Oh, see I don't agree at all. Maybe it hasn't been impacted by humanity in the sense that we didn't like change its course or anything, but it has been impacted by humanity in the sense that we think about it. 

H: I mean, yes. It all comes down to- If a comet flies through the sky and no one’s around to see it, uh does that affect the comet at all. 


J: Correct, which it definitely does.


H: That’s the thing about The Anthropocene Reviewed, John, (available on wherever you get podcasts) is that it takes some pretty hard turns into some pretty heavy stuff

J: It is not nearly as funny as I initially intended it to be that's for sure

H: [Laughs]

J: Speaking of funny, today’s poem was suggested by listener Maya. Thank you Maya. It's called He Visits My Town Once A Year by Amir Khusrow. 

J: He visits my town once a year.

He fills my mouth with kisses and nectar.

I spend all my money on him.

Who, girl, you man?

No, a mango.

H: Mmmmm?

J: A mango, Hank. He visits my town once a year. And fills my mouth with kisses and nectar. I think mangoes are my favorite fruits

H: Oh!

J: and so I thought that I would read that poem about what I think is the greatest fruit in the history of the world. 

J: Also while we’re on the topic I think it's important Hank, that we note something, that several hundred thousand people uh let us know about over the last seven days, which is that dates are not figs. 

H: Correct. They are different things. And I feel like we had that conversation on the pod, John!

J: Apparently not to anyone’s satisfaction. So dates are not figs. We apologize for our paucity of knowledge on the date/fig front.

J: We’ll have some more corrections later in the podcast, one of which is extremely important, but in the meantime, Hank let's answer some questions from our listeners. 

H: Yeah, my apologies to both dates and figs.

H: This first question comes from Abigail, who asks:

Dear Hank and John, my aunt is getting married over spring break and we’re all very excited as we love my aunt and her fiancé. There is a problem though. I was not invited to the wedding!

We received a formal invitation about a week ago and it says “it's a date night please find a sitter.”

And both my sister and I are widely considered to be children and are thus very distressed. My sister didn't sign up for a high school trip in order to go to this wedding.

Have I been uninvited? How can we talk to her about this without sounding like we don't respect her wishes? What in the world does “It's a date night” mean in relation to a wedding?

Best wishes, Abigail. 

H: Oh gosh, you gotta have that conversation I feel like. Cause maybe this means like no tiny kids, but you sound like a person whose not a tiny kid

J: Yeah, just based on their vocabulary, and their excellent spelling I don't think they're in like 3rd grade, so yeah.

It's a tough one because “this is a date night” might mean like “I want to behave in a way that I might not necessarily feel comfortable behaving in front of my 14-year-old niece.”

H: Yeah

J: Which should be the choice of the person who's getting married. It might mean “I cannot afford one more plate at this wedding”

H: [laughs]

J: Which I have a lot of respect for. In general, when I do not get invited to a wedding that I expected an invite to, I am grateful to the person.

And it does not make me think any less of them or any less of our friendship because I remember what every plate cost at my wedding and it was unimaginable amounts of money for three to four hours of ostensible enjoyment. So maybe it's just that Abigail.

J: Maybe you should just tell yourself your aunt’s wedding isn't even gonna be that fun. It’s probably going to be stressful. The band probably isn't going to be any good or there's going to be a DJ that plays a bunch of songs from generations that not only were you not a part of, but you should be grateful not to have been a part of.

Maybe, in the end, you’re going to have a fun night with your sister and apparently a babysitter. 

H: Uh, I mean there’s also the possibility, and you my not know about this Abigail because it seems like you're under 18, but the day you turn 18. I shouldn't even be talking about this. There are a number of things that are shared with you that are, we don't let anyone under the age of 18 know about.

J: Oh, right yeah.

H: So, I can't, we can't tell you those things obviously, uh you cant't even talk about those things in public in any format because then that would be discovered because of course children are able to consume all kinds of media these days. 

So yeah, it may be that they just need to be doing some of the things that only people over the age of 18 are allowed to know about, and these things they aren't that interesting, they have to do with a couple peculiar items of clothing, and a couple of things that one does with one's toes.

J: Yeah, they're rituals.

H: Yeah, don't worry too much about it, but you're not allowed to know about it yet. 

J: Right, no, it could just be that they're going to be using the rituals that are only available to adults and we're not allowed to talk to you about, but uh don't feel too bad, but do allow your aunt to have the wedding she wants to have. Even if it kind of bums you out because it's her wedding, and one day you'll have a wedding maybe, and when you do you could not your aunt and then you could send her a letter and say "THAT'S HOW IT FELT". 

H: And that's it, that's it 

J: Yeah. Because the point of life is to hold grudges over decades, Abigail. That's the real key to adulthood. I'm just kidding, don't hold grudges.

J: It's terrible, um, resentment is a bitter pill that you swallow 

H: [laughter] John, we can move on to the next question, that is what my silence indicated you should be doing. 

J: Okay

H: Instead of harping upon regret and 

J: Okay

H: grudges, holding grudges over decades 

J: I told you, I'm over, it's a new me, full time pessimism me. Get used to it. 

H: Oh man

J: This next question comes from Michelle who writes: " Dear John and Hank, sometimes when I listen to the pod I'm confused about the way you speak about yourselves as siblings".

Hank I like this question because it reminds me of my all time favorite semi-serious conspiracy theory, uh, in which, people became convinced that we were not really siblings and were just putting it on for the cameras so we could have this project called Brotherhood 2.0, but we weren't really related. 

"In a recent podcast John talked about a nickname he wanted in middle school that didn't go well, and Hank seemed to know nothing about this. A second anecdote was about Hank going to prom without a date, and this sounded like news to John". 

Indeed it was, I have no idea if Hank went to rpoms, or with who he went or even who Hank's friends were really.

"Also, in the past one or both of you will say 'my mom', but when I mention a story about my mom tomy own brother, I refer to her as 'mom'.

H: [laughter]

J: "Were you two estranged as children? Is it a coincidence that both of your surnames are Green and in fact you are not related by blood? I mean I do believe that you're truly brothers, but I've wodnered if you realize the way you speak about your childhood sounds a tad sketchy? Huge fan of the pod and look forward to reading Hank's novel, An Absolutelty Remarkable Thing which comes out September 25th. These two words go well together, Michelle My Bell"

H: Hmm

J: I mean we've. It's hard to talk about Michelle because 

H: [laughter] Beccause why? You should just tell the truth John, don't make something up. It will continue the conspiracy theory.

J: Michelle, we're brothers, we came from the same parents, we have the same parents.

H: Yep, all the way around, both parents same. Lived in the same house growing up. Uh, there's a couple of pieces of this Michelle. First, or "Mich-elle", as would be assumed by your Beatles lyric sign off. Um, one we're old now, and we don't remember anything from childhood. 

J: Yeah I remember a few things about Hank as a child, like I remember that he was physically smaller than I was, but not by as much as you would expect for the age difference. 

H: [laughter]Yeah, that's true 

J: Now I remember that he hoarded money, like in a very weird way 

H: Yeah that's also true 

J: Very obsessive about his money, and not spending it. And so I would often just take it from him and spend it because you know that's what money's for. I remember that he had a Walkman and some tapes. I am really, the only reason I remember he had the Walkman MIchelle, to be honest with you is, sometimes he hid his money inside of that Walkman so I would open up the tape player and I would take the money out and go buy a Slurpee or whatever. 

H: I remember that John, John had a, had a computer in his room, and that was a big deal. I remember our house. I remember John's friends and how they used to put on deodorant and I was like, "they're so grown up the're putting on deodorant" and then I put on deodorant and then I felt weird and bad about it. Like I didn't want to grow up yet. I remember thinking things like that. There are moments, but like in general you've got to remember that you're going to forget things.

Uh. So, when, I'd say I've forgotten probably 90% of the things about my own life. And that includes about John's life and I've probably forgotten more things about John's life than about me. So, yeah, there's that part, and then there's that John and I have gotten really used to talking to people, like, talking to an audience rather than talking to each other which is what we are doing, in part, here.