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In which John and the Swoodilypoopers take the field against Brighton & Hove, while telling the story of the first time he got drunk.
Hello, and welcome to Hankgames without Hank. It’s me, John Green. We are, of course, the Swindon Town Swoodilypoopers and we are playing Brighton & Hove Albion. Uh, it’s a big game for Swindon Town, we gotta win this one, we only have three games left in the, uh, the season, after this one, uh, one of which is the FA Cup Final. So, here we go.

And also today, I’m going to tell you the story– someone requested that I tell stories about the first time that I got drunk. So that is the story that I am going to tell you. Uh, but I should preface that story by saying that, uh, you shouldn’t get drunk, uh, as this story will illustrate, um, and that, all that sort of romanticization of American drinking in college, all of this binge drinking, it’s– it’s embarrassing. It’s embarrassing to me as an American, and it’s also just embarrassing to me, um, as a human. Because college is a wonderful opportunity to study and spend actual time focused on the business of learning and it makes me sad when people most of their time in college drinking alcohol. All that said, um, I– I mean whether you’re, like, fervently opposed to binge drinking or a fervent binge drinker, I think generally, we spend too much time, like, thinking about binge drinking as a rule.

Anyway, the first time I got drunk was my freshman year of college and it was an extremely embarrassing story, and I shall tell it to you now. Um, this was not the first time I ever had a drink. This was the first time I ever got, like, legitimately drunk. And as it happened, I got very drunk. There was a party in my, uh, freshman dorm, which was Mather– I went to Kenyon College in Gambier, Ohio. Um, and it was winter. It was very cold. There was quite a bit of snow on the ground outside– that will become relevant later. And, um, I am from, you know, the warmer climates, Alabama, Florida, that kind of thing, and, um, there was beer at this party. I drank quite a bit of it, and I became, uh, drunk. Drunk to the point where I was, you know, not, um, not, not– I would, I mean I was conscious, obviously, but I wasn’t totally aware of my actions, as will soon become evident.

So, um, we decided at some point to go outside, um, it was a bunch of friends, a bunch of my, like, people from my freshman dorm, um, great friends, really great people, and in the end, they saved my life, so I’m grateful to them. But, uh, basically I was really drunk, and we were outside and we were on a hill. Um, but there was no, there were no sleds or anything. There was much talk about how we wished that there was a sled.

And then my friend Dave, who by the way is now a lawyer, and like, a very successful lawyer, successful enough that I maybe shouldn’t tell you his last name. Um, my friend Dave, he was patting me on the back, like, really hard, and then he suddenly patted me on the back, like, super extra hard, and I began to tumble, uh, down the hill in my drunken state. And because I was intoxicated, and intoxication is sometimes associated with things like, um, getting sick to your stomach, while I was rolling down the hill, if you can sort of picture me, um, rolling, you know, down the hill, um, with my body, you know, perpendicular to the angle– I don’t know. You know, I was rolling down the hill, right?

As I was rolling down the hill, I began to vomit. Um, and then, you know, because I was sort of rolling head over heels, I was essentially, you know, vomiting all over my own body. Um, I was, you know, pretty much covering myself in vomit because I would vomit as I spun down the hill, um, and then of course, you know, the act of spinning down the hill made the vomiting worse because I was, um, you know, I was getting sick, nauseated by the spinning as well as by the, by the drunkenness, et cetera.

So, um, I got to the bottom of the hill, and I was, you know, I was, like, lying in about a foot of snow, and I was covered in my own, um, my own vomit. And, uh, so yeah, I mean if you need more evidence for why binge drinking is a bad idea, I don’t know how it could get *laughs* I don’t know how you could get a story that– more evidence than this. Anyway–

(4:15) Oh. Other John Green! Finisher! [SWI - #11 J. Green 37’] Yes! Great job, Other John Green! That was a bad first half for our boys, the Swindon Town Swoodilypoopers, but they finally came through. That’s great. Great stuff. He’s got a brilliant puff.

Um, so, I get to the bottom of the hill covered in my own vomit, and lying in a foot of snow, and I do what anyone would do in that situation, which is I decide that I am going to go to sleep. Now of course, if I had gone to sleep, I would have died, and that actually happened to a kid that I went to college with, um, and it happens every year, on lots of college campuses in America, and it is a very, very sad thing. Um, it, um, you know– it’s a mistake that you can’t unmake. And, um, and, it– anyway. I am really, really lucky that my friends said, um, that– you know, they went, they walked down the hill and picked me up, even though I was covered in my own vomit, and they carried me up the hill, and, um– I was sort of like half-asleep, I guess, according to them? I remember nothing after this, for the record. Everything after this is based on, uh, you know, what I’ve been able to put together from stories that I have been told. And–

(5:33) Aww, we needed a thru ball! I’m so bad at thru balls. I’m so– I never know when to hit Y.

So they carry me up the, uh, they carry me up the slope, back to my dorm, and, uh, it’s one-nil at halftime here, back to my dorm and I guess, as they’re, like, carrying me toward the dorm room, toward my dorm room to put me to sleep, um, I wake up. And I’m really grossed out, apparently, and I say, Listen, I just need to take a shower, I’m not gonna, I’m not gonna go to bed with, like, this is, I, this is… reprehensible. I’m not sure I used that word necessarily, but I was just, you know, I was like, Listen guys, just let me take a shower, and then I’ll go to bed. And I didn’t want anybody to see me shower, you know, these were my friends, a couple of them were female, I didn’t want them, to like, watch me in the shower or anything, so I was like, just, you know, Just leave me alone to take a shower.

So, um, I, I– I guess I must have taken a shower, um, *laughs* I think, because, uh, next time I was seen, my hair was wet, which would indicate that I had taken a shower, and I was wearing, um, thank god, SOME clothes. Although, not as, um, not as many as one would associate with a January evening in a semi-public space. Uh, but the next time I was seen, it was at my friend, um, I’m not gonna say his last name, because he’s a nice guy who’s now also now doing quite well for himself, has a family, probably doesn’t want to be reminded of this story.

Um, next time I was seen was outside, the, uh, the room of a friend of mine, and, uh, I walked into his room, and his– he wasn’t there, but his roommate was there, I won’t tell you his roommate’s real name, but I will say that his nickname was Sully. And so, uh, Sully was studying for a test, it was a Saturday night, but Sully was, uh, you know, doing what, you know, what you’re supposed to do in college, which is to use the opportunity which has been afforded you, um, in order to become, you know, a smarter, more engaged citizen of the world. And, uh, he was just sitting in his corner, working on a paper, so he told me later, and I said, uh, Hey Sully, and he said, How’s it going, John? And uh, I said, Ah, it’s going good, and then I– I, uh, you know– two beds in that room, this is important–

(7:52) BALD JOHN GREEN. [SWI - #7 J. McGovern 66’] No! Uh! It was J. McGovern! I don’t even know his first name, I just know that he’s little. He’s a little, little, man. Look at that, he’s, like, a head shorter. That’s great to see some other people than John Greens scoring in this game. Great job, J. McGovern. Can you guys tell me what his first name should be? Um, he scored a couple times before, and you still have not come up with a good first name for him. I would appreciate that.

So, um, right. So Sully says, Whatcha doin’?, and I said, Nothing, I got reeaaally drunk tonight, and he was like, Yeah, I can kinda tell, and then I said, um, nothing, because, what I did instead– the, you have to picture, there are two beds in this room, Sully is over by the corner by one bed, and then I am, like, standing next to the other bed, which was the bed of my friend, a person who I like, and I am friends with, and I, uh, you know, I have a solid relationship with, and I pull up his comforter, and then I pull up his, his top sheet and then I pull up his fitted sheet, and then I pull up, the like, mattress pad, so it’s just– at Kennyan, we had these vinyl mattresses, presumably to deal with this very situation, and, uh, I pull up everything so it’s just the bare vinyl mattress, and Sully says, um, Whatcha whatcha- Whatcha doin’ there, John Green, and I said, Oh nothing, I just gotta pee. And Sully says, Well, you know, it’s not, the number one place to pee, um, and I said, Don’t worry about it, I’m *laughing* gonna put everything right back like it was when I’m done. Um, and I proceeded to pee. On this guy’s bed. And then I proceeded to put all the sheets right back like they were.

(9:32) Bald John Green [SWI - #9 J. Green 79’] scores. I can’t even celebrate because I’m too humiliated in the middle of this story.

Um, so that’s what I did. I peed on this guy’s bed, and then I put his sheets back so *laughs* he would never know, I guess. Um, as if there wouldn’t be further evidence. I mean, the amazing thing is that I had come. From the bathroom. Where I had taken a shower. So like, on some le– I mean, the– It’s not like there was no urination opportunity available to me. It was– Something in my drunken brain told me, like, You need to go to this place. And pee there. *laughs* And, uh, so, you know, my friend comes home  a few hours later, and, uh, there’s a note from Sully saying, You don’t want to get in bed because, um, John Green has peed in your bed. And, uh, my friend, came to my room and woke me up, and he was understandably a little annoyed, and he basically–

(10:36) Oh, wow, that was almost a beautiful header goal from Bald John Green.

–basically said, um, You’re gonna have to stay up all night while washing my sheets, and he was like, I would sleep in your bed, except that it is covered in filth, and I never want to, uh, be associated with you, or anything that belongs to you ever again. So I washed his bed, I washed all his sheets, I stayed up all night washing his sheets, and just generally, humiliating, you know, like, aside from the, uh, *laughs* aside from the terrible thing I’d done to my friend, there was also the matter of all of my friends being like, and also everyone else at Kenyon, just being like, What the hell is wrong with that guy? So, um, let that be a lesson to you. All things in moderation. Moderation. Moderation? Moderation, my friends, uh, as, as the Buddha said, let us take the middle path.

So, that’s the story of the first time I got drunk. Um, it did a relatively good job, although perhaps not good enough, of discouraging me from, uh, further exploits on that front. Um, thank you for asking that question, sorry that the answer was so disgusting. Congratulations to the Swindon Town Swoodilypoopers on a historic victory, and, um, there’re 3 games left in the season. I will not see you and you will not see me, but you will hear me next time on we play FIFA, or whatever. Best Wishes!

[vs. Brighton & Hove W 3-0

SWI: #7 J. McGovern 66'; #9 J. Green 37', 79']