| SoundCloud: | https://soundcloud.com/dearhankandjohn/120-every-plum-has-its-thorn |
| Previous: | 120 - Snake Cuddle Time |
| Next: | 122 - The Last Brand Deal |
Categories
Statistics
| View count: | 126,442 |
| Likes: | 0 |
| Comments: | 31 |
| Duration: | 46:52 |
| Uploaded: | 2017-12-25 |
| Last sync: | 2020-08-22 14:00 |
What is the point of love if it always ends? How do I scream? How do I stop a surprise avian ring delivery? And more!
Email us: hankandjohn@gmail.com
patreon.com/dearhankandjohn
Email us: hankandjohn@gmail.com
patreon.com/dearhankandjohn
(00:00) to (02:00)
[intro music by Gunnarolla plays]
J: Hello and welcome to Dear John and Hank.
H: Or as I like to think of it, the actual name of the podcast, Dear Hank & John.
J: Sorry, Hank. I've been gone for a few weeks and I wanted to just take control of the reins today. It's a comedy podcast about death where two brothers offer you dubious advice, answer your questions and bring you all the week's new from both Mars and—da da da daaaaaaa—AFC Wimbledon! League One's richest side? More to come, later in the podcast.
H: Oooooo there's news. John, how are you doing today?
J: Well, we are in real life together, Hank. We're in Los Angeles, California. I'm in a great mood because the movie rights to my book Turtles All the Way Down– it's happening.
H: Someone purchased them.
J: Not just someone, the same people at Fox 2000 who made the Fault in Our Stars and Paper Towns movies, Elizabeth Gabler and Aaron Seminoff.
H: How do you find out about that? What happens when you find out that someone got the movie rights to your book? Says a person who has no thing that this will one day maybe happen to him.
J: No thing-- have you been drinking?
H: A little bit.
J: Okay. So, first you get a phone call that says that somebody's interested in the movie rights and then, in this case, like eight weeks later after lots of conversations and talking about how to visualize deeply internal abstract though processes, you decide to do it! I'm really excited. It's just, I did not think that this would ever be a movie. I didn't think that anybody could see it as a movie, but I don't know, I was just so moved by the way they talked about it and the way that they're thinking about it and I can't wait. I am really thrilled. Now, not everything that gets option becomes a movie.
(02:00) to (04:00)
J: It's not guaranteed to become a movie, but it is really exciting and it's the same people who made The Fault in Our Stars and Paper Towns movies. I trust them so much. The relationship that we've had over the years has been so cool so it's really exciting. How are you doing?
H: I'm good. It's late.
J: It's 9:27.
H: It's late for me. I'm sleepy. I got up at 4:40 this morning, so that's how I'm feeling. But I'm glad that we could be in the same place to make a podcast together and I'm glad that we can learn together a little bit about what people are curious about in the world and also maybe about cups.
J: Oh, you have been drinking.
[Hank giggles]
J: Hank.
H: Yeah?
J: Would you like a question from our listeners?
H: You don't want to read my poem?
J: What's your poem?
H: My poem that I posted about the fruit flies.
J: Just go ahead and read it.
[typing noises]
J: People can hear all your typing and it makes them think that you're not paying attention to the pod, 'cause you're not.
H: I'm looking up my fruit fly poem!
[John laughs]
H: A fruit fly flew through my window screen.
There, between the window and the screen, she pupated.
Now, too large to fit back through the screen, she wanders
In the sunlight
Searching
Alone
J: It's good, Hank. I would not pursue a career as a poet as such, but I think that was very good.
H: There's also a huge problem which is that adult fruit flies can't pupate. It's just not how it works. Only larva pupate, and then they become adults, and that's the whole thing. And I feel weird that that scientifically inaccurate and also bad poem got two thousand likes on Twitter.
J: Two thousand likes? Man, people really will hit that heart button for anything these days.
H: Well I'll tell you what, that is actually one of my more successful tweets recently.
J: You know, I've noticed that there's this whole thing on Twitter where people are taking that great William Carlos Williams poem about the plums and turning it into lyrics from the popular music song "All Star".
(04:00) to (06:00)
J: Are you familiar with this meme?
H: No.
J: Do you the poem in question?
H: No, but I do know "All Star".
J: Okay great. So there's a William Carlos Williams poem– I don't know exactly how it goes, but I'm gonna give you my version of it. This is my attempt to recite a William Carlos Williams poem. I've had a couple drinks, but fewer than Hank.
I have taken the plums
That were in the icebox
And which you were probably saving
For breakfast.
Forgive me,
They were delicious.
So sweet, and so cold.
And here's the version that's been making the rounds on the social media. Hank?
H: [to the tune of All Star]
Hey now, you're an icebox, get your plums on, so sweet.
J: That's not the best version. Hank, that's not the best version at all!
H: I was on a website that was telling me these plum jokes and now there's a video playing: "This construction unfolds into a home in just hours and costs only 33,000 dollars." And I'm like, this is not what was happening. I was not on a home construction website, I was looking at plum memes!
J: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Suddenly Hank went from pleasant drunk to really aggressive belligerent drunk.
H: I just don't like it when videos autoplay, John.
J: Wow, you are coming way too hard about videos autoplaying. By the way, you know where I like videos autoplaying? At youtube.com/vlogbrothers. I'm strongly in favor of it.
H: Yeah, 'cause it's what I'm there for.
J: How do you like a moment on Twitter?
H: [to the tune of Mr Brightside]
Now I'm falling asleep, and she's eating my plums, and he's opened the icebox and she's taking a plum. Now I'm looking for plums, and my stomach feels sick, now it's all in my head, so sweet and so cold now! I don't really know how that song goes that well.
J: I was going to say that, Nick, for Hank's sake, delete that.
(06:00) to (08:00)
H: [to the tune of Mambo No. 5]
A little bit of cold plums in my life–
J: There you go!
H: A little bit of icebox by my side. A little bit of breakfast's what you need, a little bit of forgiveness is what I seek. A little bit of delicious [unintelligible] plums, a little bit of sleep plums all night long.
J: Alright, here we go–
H: Okay, what do ya got? That one's got fifteen thousand likes.
J: [to the tune of All Star]
Well the plums start comin' and they won't stop comin', gotta hit the icebox for some more cold plummin'. Didn't make sense to eat lukewarm plums, you've got the icebox so go chill them son.
I don't think this person's ever actually heard "All Star", but that was close! That was like an algorithm wrote a version of "All Star", writing a version of that William Carlos William poem.
H: I saw like, happening on Twitter, there were cold plums and people were talking about it. That's as far as I got into the meme until now, and I feel like I'm explaining something that everybody already knows about.
J: But the great thing is that, because we're recording this in the relatively distant past, everyone will have forgotten about this meme by the time the podcast is out.
H: Yeah, they'll be like "Oh, I remember the good old days! Back when all those terrible things that have happened since then hadn't happened and we joked about plums."
J: "Ah, at least it wasn't nuclear winter."
This first question comes from Nick, who writes:
Dear John and Hank,
I've been sick lately and my doctor told me to try gargling with salt water to help my sore throat. While I was stirring up a mug of the stuff using an Art Assignment mug I got from dftba.com, my number one source for branded drinkware—Man, this guy knows how to get his question asked on Dear Hank & John.
H: Right.
J: [gradually raising in pitch]
I started to notice that as more and more of the salt began to dissolve the sound of my spoon tapping against the inside of the mug became gradually higher and higher in pitch until all the salt was dissolved and the pitch became consistent. I was able to replicate this with another mug of salt water later on. I haven't measured the difference, but from what I could tell the pitch raised by nearly an octave!
H: Woah.
J: Still sick,
Nick
H: Mm, nice. I am impressed–
J: Yeah.
(08:00) to (10:00)
H: That you can tell the pitch change. You were like [hums in rising pitch]
J: Oh, that I did it in the question asking?
H: No, the question asker knew–
J: Yeah, no, it's because I'm a great singer.
H: Oh, right.
J: [to the tune of Mambo No. 5]
A little bit of plum life in my life.
H: A little bit of plum life in John's life.
J: Alright, what is it? What's the answer?
H: So, I have noticed this a number of times when I'm stirring Gatorade into a cup.
J: Yeah, sure.
H: 'Cause you gotta stir that Gatorade up. You're not gonna buy a bottle of Gatorade.
J: I buy liquid Gatorade.
H: You do?
J: Yeah, but I know that you come from a humbler background–
[Hank laughs]
J: So things are harder for you.
H: My humbler background...
J: Yeah.
H: ...in the same home as you.
J: No, just more recently.
[Hank and John laugh]
H: I don't just buy powdered Gatorade for frugality. I also get to make it the exact level of sweetness that I want, which is not the sweetness– I mean, obviously it's never gonna be the exact preference of a person if it's standardized for everybody! So, I like to be able to make my Gatorade to the sweetness that I want, and there's only one way to do that. Two ways: you could buy liquid Gatorade and then water it down, also. You could do that. But I like to do it my way.
J: I actually like it a little bit sweeter than it comes. So, what I do is I just open the bottle up and I wait for eight or nine days just for some evaporation to occur.
[Hank laughs]
J: Everybody has a different way but that's my way.
H: That's good. If you like aging your Gatorade.
J: I always have ten different open bottles of Gatorade at different levels of sweetness. "Why does this happen?", was the question, not "How do you like your Gatorade?"
H: Well, the problem, John, is that I don't really know.
J: Great, let's move on to the next question!
H: But I wanted to talk about Gatorade. It's weird to me, because the pitch lowers when I'm using Gatorade and apparently it goes up when you use salt. So it probably has something to do with viscosity, but that's all I've got for you. Somebody knows the answer to this question– In fact, I've read an article about this and I forgot it.
(10:00) to (12:00)
H: I forgot, because that's what you do with information that you learn.
J: This next question comes from Andrew, who writes:
Dear John and Hank,
I only discovered the podcast last week–
H: [overlapping]
It's my turn, but okay.
J: And I've been listening to eight episodes a day while at work. Henry, you work too much.
H: Also, you listen to podcasts too much while you're working.
J: My parents are getting divorced after twenty-five years of marriage.
H: Oh my.
J: This took a turn. While I know they'll be both happier after it, the whole thing is making me cynical about love. Does all love fade over time? What's the point in trying if over half of marriages fail? How do I stop this from happening in my future romances? I appreciate your dubious advice.
Definitely not a hurricane,
Andrew
First off Andrew, not over half of marriages fail.
H: Mhm.
J: All marriages end, either in death or divorce.
H: Annulment!
J: Good point, Hank. Really good point.
H: [through laughter]
Good, yeah.
J: So all marriages fail, Andrew, because nothing lasts forever, not even cold November rain—as Guns N' Roses once memorably put it.
H: All very good.
J: Every rose has its thorn, just like every cowboy has a sad sad song. Just like every–
H: That doesn't rhyme.
[to the tune of Every Rose Has Its Thorn]
Every plum's in a box.
J: [overlapping]
Every Tuesday– Yeah. Every cold plum's in a box–
H: [to the tune of Every Rose Has Its Thorn]
And every boyfriend eats that plum in the box.
J: Wait, start over from scratch so it seems like you're just coming up with it now.
H: [to the tune of Every Rose Has Its Thorns]
Every plum's cold in a box.
J: Yeah.
H: Is that right?
J: That's good.
H: [to the tune of Every Rose Has Its Thorns]
And every boyfriend steals your plums from that box.
J: That's good. [pause] What, but you gotta hit the last note! You gotta be like
[to the tune of Every Rose Has Its Thorns]
Every plum in that box, yeah yeah.
H: I don't know how this song goes!
J: I don't either. By the way, I don't think that song is "November Rain". I think it is a different song from the same era.
H: [through laughter]
Yeah, you're right.
J: Yeah.
H: That's definitely the case.
J: Yeah.
H: That's "Every Rose Has Its Thorn".
J: "Every Rose Has Its Thorn"!
(12:00) to (14:00)
J: By the way, Andrew. I mean, the answer to your question is that every rose has its thorn, man. I mean, here's the thing–
H: That's true! No, and cold November rain, even that ends. Mostly.
J: Yeah, and it's also true that every rose has its thorn.
H: Love is a rose, so you better not pick it. It only grows when it's on the vine. A handful of thorns and you know you missed it, you lose your love when you steal frickin' icebox from the plums.
J: [in unison]
Plums. I don't think you steal the icebox from the plums, as such.
[Hank laughs]
J: Is that the second time I've made an "as such" joke in this podcast?
H: I don't know. If it is, Nick, cut out the as such-es. He didn't need to go there.
J: Here's the thing. Andrew, I'm sorry that your parents getting divorced, but it should not make you cynical about love, because love brought you into this world. Love is both how you became a person, and also why you became a person—to quote my own book, Turtles All The Way Down, available in bookstores everywhere.
[Hank laughs]
J: It's okay to go through a mourning process and a grieving process, and I think that's natural and good.
H: Yeah.
J: But that does not mean that life is hopeless, it just means that life does involve loss.
H: Yes, and that things that are wonderful don't last forever. Like roses, maybe. I don't know.
J: Also like plums in the icebox! I mean, no matter how cold that icebox is, they're not gonna last forever.
H: [overlapping]
Yeah, eventually they're gonna be little– What are plums when they're dry? They're gonna be prunes!
J: That's why I had to eat the plums! You were saving them for breakfast, but breakfast when? Tomorrow? Why eat them tomorrow when you can eat them today? Alright Hank, this next question–
H: Oh my god!
J: Today's, it's John Question Day– I missed three weeks, I've been–
H: 'Kay, sure, go.
J: This next question comes from Anaias(?~13:44) who writes:
Dear John and Hank,
Last year I participated in a stage production theater workshop thing. On the day we were supposed to present our final product, a play, our lovely stage director decided to do a few exercises to calm our nerves before the show. It only ended up making me more anxious.
(14:00) to (16:00)
J: Like everything that's ever been designed to calm anyone's nerves.
[Hank laughs]
J: Anyway, that wasn't the question. She instructed us to scream out loud as loud as we could, one after the other. Only one problem: I don't know how to scream. So, while waiting on my turn, I was trying to understand the mechanism that is screaming while simultaneously asking the people next to me how they acquired the art of screaming, which only made me more confused because the kind of advice I received went along the lines of "I don't know, just let it flow." But what does that mean? How do I let it flow? What do I need to let flow? So many questions! I didn't end up finding out how to scream and I proceeded to let out a weird guttural noise that resembled a loud snore.
[Hank laughs]
J: I am open to almost any advice on how to scream–
[Hank lets out a weird guttural noise that resembles a loud snore, and John joins in]
J: Alright, here's what I want you to do Anaias(?~14:50). I want you to close your eyes. I want you to imagine that there's an icebox.
H: [through laughter]
Been savin' these plums.
J: She's been saving these plums for so long! They've reached the perfect moment between plum and prune, the moment at which you love to have them for breakfast.
H: They say that every plum has its thorn, but not these plums!
J: In fact no plums. I don't think?
H: They say that.
J: Do they?
H: Every plum has its thorn.
J: Never heard that one. Anyway, Anaias(?~15:19), I want you to picture that situation and then you open that icebox and what is in there? Nothing.
H: Nothing!
J: How do you feel right now?
[Hank makes a scream-adjacent noise]
J: Mm. That wasn't a scream.
H: We're in a hotel room!
J: That's true. If we scream, we'll probably end up–
H: [overlapping]
It's 9:42.
J: Yeah.
H: I don't want 'em to get security. This is really interesting to me because I think that–
[John emits a high-pitched tone]
H: That's awful. That's definitely not a scream. The other day–
J: I'm gonna go down one octave.
[John emits a slightly lover-pitched groan]
H: The other day I had a baby carrier on.
J: Yeah.
H: And it has this mechanism, you have to push multiple buttons at the same time to unlock it, so that your baby doesn't accidentally fall out or something.
(16:00) to (18:00)
H: And I only hit one of the right buttons, and I pulled, and then the gap was created and my finger went in the gap and then i couldnt get it out and my my hand slipped and it slid onto my finger.
J: Yeah.
H: And it pinched me so hard that it broke the skin, and i made this noise:
[Hank squeals