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What do you do with cereal dust? What happens if kid doesn't like dog? How did cave people cut their fingernails? And more!

Email us: hankandjohn@gmail.com
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 Intro




[Dear Hank and John intro music plays]

Hank: Hello, and welcome to Dear Hank and John

Katherine: Well, as I like to call it, oh boy. So bad already. What, where did the "well" come from? 

Hank: Well! [laughs]

Katherine: Or as I like to think of it, Dear Katherine and Hank

Hank: It's a comedy podcast where two brothers, and occasionally instead two married people answer your questions, give you dubious advice, and bring you all the week's news from both Mars and AFC Wimbledon. Today we're joined by my wife, Katherine Green, because my brother John Green is still feeling real bad. 

Katherine: My wife! 

Hank: My wife! 

Katherine: Wow. Yeah, hey. It's me Katherine Green. I'm back again to step in when John Green comes up short. 

Hank: [laughing] His, uh -

Katherine: Through no fault of his own. 

Hank: No, yeah, so this is your third time? 

Katherine. I don't know.

Hank: I think it is. 

Katherine: I don't have memories of the time before I was now.

Hank: Yeah, you are - you have a child. As soon as -

Katherine: Like, I'm so in the moment and also in the future -

Hank: Yeah. The past is nothing to you. 

Katherine: [laughing] It is nothing! I remember nothing. 

Hank: Just whatever we took photos of. 

Katherine: Yeah.

Hank: And saved photos of.

Katherine: Thank goodness. 

Hank: Aw, yeah. It's been a - I've been collecting all of the pictures -

Katherine: Hank's been on an epic quest.

Hank: - of our life. They're on hard drives, they're on phones, they're on different people's computers. They're on old computers, they're on new computers and Picasa, and Yahoo Images, Flickr is what I mean, and they're on Google Photos and they're on iPhoto and they're on DropBox, they're everywhere! And I'm getting them all into one place and it has been weeks!

Katherine: Yeah. Weeks. I mean, it's been like, every spare moment, too. 

Hank: Yeah.

Katherine: Which there are not many of. But, like, -

Hank: Yeah, Katherine's like, "what are you doing", and I'm like, "just uploading another directory!" 

Katherine: Like, okay! Who knew it was going to be this difficult? 

Hank: I mean, I took a lot of pictures in our life. 

Katherine: Yeah. It's been over a decade since the digital camera thing started. 

Hank: Right. Yeah. And it's very clear in my photo archives when I got my first digital camera. It's very obviously 2002, 2003. 

Katherine: Yeah.

Hank: When suddenly it's like, oh, I went from having a hundred pictures a year to having, like, 10,000. Not 10,000, but a lot. And over 30,000 pictures, I have uploaded. 

Katherine: Hooof.

Hank: And now, and when I finish, it's your job to decide which ones we keep and get rid of!

Katherine: I'm so looking forward to deleting. I like getting rid of things. It is one of the chief joys of my life. 

Hank: Yeah. The life changing -

Katherine: So this is like my Christmas present! It's like, "here you go!"

Hank: Yeah, yeah! I got you these 50,000 photographs. Delete whichever ones you want! The life changing magic of tidying up my Google photos! 

Katherine: [laughing] Tried and true! This is a good present for a Katherine. 

Hank: Yeah, yeah. Congratulations. I figured out what I want for Christmas. 

Katherine: Oh, thank god! 

Hank: I know.

Katherine: I hate you. 

Hank: [laughs]

Katherine: [laughing] Sometimes! You are the worst! 

Hank: So one thing I will -

Katherine: I have like, dropped you several hints.

Hank: I know. 

Katherine: Some are way more possible -

Hank: Have you dropped me hints for what you want? 

Katherine: Oh yeah.

Hank: Oh no! 

Katherine: Some are way more possible than others. But, um, -

Hank: I don't have any idea what hints you dropped! I guess there was that one yesterday that - was that a hint? Or was that just you showing me an Instagram that you liked? She's making a face. 

Katherine: I don't know! I think that was just me showing you an Instagram. But, you know, you can always - I don't know. 

Hank: Yeah.

Katherine: That's a good way to start. 

Hank: So here's my hint.

Katherine: Wait, you're going to hint to me what present you want! Ugh.

Hank: I carry around in my pockets two different things.

Katherine: Uh-huh.

Hank: And I want it to be one thing. 

Katherine: Oh. Alright! 

Hank: However you can solve that problem. 

Katherine: Well, it's challenging when you, like, change phones - when you have a new phone -

Hank: Hey! That ones not my fault. 

Katherine: - every three months. 

Hank: It's not my fault. 

Katherine: It wasn't?

Hank: I have had the same phone for two and a half years. I got a new one, it died in two months. I don't know what happened to it. I dropped it and then six hours later it was like, "you know what I won't do anymore? Anything." I'm done with all things. 

Katherine: [laughing] I will exist. 

Hank: I am now a slightly reflective -

Katherine: Or will I? 

Hank: Yeah. Right. If a phone isn't a phone, is it a phone?

Katherine: No. That phone just had an existential crisis and it gave up. 

Hank: It did. 

Katherine: Commited suicide I guess. 

Hank: Yeah, and I was really loving it, too. So I feel as if I cannot endorse that phone anymore because it just stopped working. 

Katherine: Well it's a good thing that Google sent you this other one. 

Hank: Yeah. Yeah, so I am in the fortunate position of having Google occasionally send me a Google Pixel. Because they're like, "hey, we want you to enjoy this phone," which I do very much except for when it just doesn't turn on anymore! And I don't know what to do! 

Katherine: Yeah.

Hank: I probably can, like, I finally found the little bar code so I can take it to the Verizon store and be like, "this broke," -

Katherine: Right.

Hank: - but I could find that bar code and they won't do anything without it. But I have it now. Now I just have to find time to go to the Verizon store? Which is like, the worst place! 

Katherine: Yeah, nobody wants to do that.

Hank: I mean, no offense if you work at the Verizon store. I'm sure lots of people do. But the Verizon store - there are a number of them in Missoula. But mostly there's this one. There was like, a sign ordinance - this, this is a -

Katherine: Oh, wow. We are going off on a tangent, y'all! 

Hank: There's a sign ordinance -

Katherine: Here we go! 

Hank: - on this road in Missoula -

Katherine: Follow us along! 

Hank: And it says, like, your sign can't be bigger than x. You know, this wide and this tall, this aspect ratio. 

Katherine: Welcome to the fascinating content you have signed up for! 

Hank: [laughing] And so instead of making a bigger sign, they turned the entire Verizon store into a sign! 

Katherine: Yeah, basically the whole building.

Hank: It's just neon -

Katherine: The whole facade of the building.

Hank: It's like a black building with red neon around everything. It's just - it's so gauche. And I hate it.

Katherine: It is disgusting. Yeah.

Hank: And it's not like it's a nice part of town. It's where, like the McDonalds is -

Katherine: Oh, yeah! 

Hank: But still, every time I drive by it - and it used to be this cute little grocery store! 

Katherine: Yeah, well it wasn't a cute little grocery store, but -

Hank: It was a disgusting little grocery store. 

Katherine: [laughs] It hadn't been a cute little grocery store for many, many, many years. 

Hank: Yeah.

Katherine: Possibly decades.

Hank: It was someone's -

Katherine: It was like a terrifying kind of corner -

Hank: Right.

Katherine: - that was overgrown, you know.

Hank: Yeah. It was like, half someone's house and half someone's cheese mart. 

Katherine: Yeah, now it's a terrible Verizon store, so progress? 

Hank: Yeah.

Katherine: Enough is enough! 

Hank: [laughs] I don't know why that one got me so hard. Enough is enough! Welcome to 2017, enough is enough. Tagline. Doesn't matter what side you're on. That's what everybody feels like. 

Katherine: We've just had enough. 

Hank: Everybody's had enough. Which is too bad, because we've all had enough of each other's enough. 

Katherine: Oh boy, and there's -

Hank: And we would like more but that's enough for everyone else. 

Katherine: There really isn't. There, yeah. There is no -

Hank: What were we talking about? 

Katherine: I don't know, we're -

Hank: We got on phones -

Katherine: We haven't even gotten to, "So how you doing, Hank?" 

Hank: Well this was how I'm doing. 

Katherine: Okay.

Hank: Yeah, I was going to tell you about my photo system. And I am very -

Katherine: But you didn't ask me how I was doing.

Hank: - very excited to get done with it. Well how are you doing? And also, do you want me to get you anything for Christmas?

Katherine: Oh, my god, wow. I don't know if -

Hank: What is it?

Katherine: What? Wait. 

Hank: What are you - what was the hint? I can't believe I missed the hint! 

Katherine: Oh.

Hank: Was it travel? Because you've hinted at some travel. But so have I. Because I would like to go away, because it gets awful here in the Winter. 

Katherine: Yeah, I mean, the place I want to go is maybe not - well, I don't know. There's a variety of ways this could happen. But I'd like to go see They Might Be Giants.

Hank: Mmm! Hmm. And they're not coming through here, but they are going on, like, a tour of everywhere. 

Katherine: They're touring again this year. So that was on my list. 

Hank: Mmhmm.

Katherine: However we can make that happen. And, you know, that's the major one. 

Hank: Yeah.

Katherine: Also, eh, how am I doing? I just got a massage for the first time in like -

Hank: Ayyy! Nice.

Katherine: -two and a half months. So that was okay. 

Hank: Merry Christmas. 

Katherine: Merry Christmas, me. I set it up for me. And you.

Hank: Yes, I got one too. 

Katherine: And my baby.

Hank: Yeah, my baby - we got a little baby massage for the baby!

Katherine: We all got work done this morning.

Hank: Because that's the life that we live. Our baby gets a massage. I don't know.

Katherine: I did find a short poem. 

Hank: Oh, did you? 

Katherine: Yeah, it's -

Hank: Good for you!

Katherine: - by William Wordsworth, perhaps you have heard of him. 

Hank: Mmhmm. I like how his last name has the word "words" in it. 

Katherine: Right? And worth. 

Hank: Mmhmm. 

Katherine: Like words are worth -

Hank: Yeah. 

Katherine: - something, guys.

Hank: Is that his real name? 

Katherine: I don't know. I don't know anything about William Wordsworth except that he's a poet of a certain era. Possibly Romantic?

Hank: 1770 was when he was born. And then he died in 1772. No, I made that up. 

Katherine: Wow. That's - [laughs]. Prolific little two year old. So sad though! 

Hank: Oh yeah, I know -

Katherine: Oh god!

Hank: I knew I was going to make you sad! I knew I was going to make you sad as soon as I made that joke, I was like, oh, why did I do that? Now you're thinking about baby William Wordsworth dying! 

Katherine: Yeah, baby two year old William Wordsworth dying. Anyway, shall I get to it?

Hank: Yeah, okay.

Katherine: While you look up who William Wordsworth was?

Hank: Well it's just, it seems that it's his actual last name. So at least that's the situation.

Katherine: That's all you wanted to know. Okay, it's called - I believe the title of it is "To a Child." 

Hank: Oh!

Katherine: I don't know. "Small service is true service while it lasts. Of humblest friends, bright creature, scorn not one. The daisy, by the shadow that it casts protects the lingering dewdrop from the sun."

Hank: Mmm! It was good and short! 

Katherine: That's - [laughs]

Hank: [laughing] I'm sorry! Something happens when people start saying poetry that just turns my mind off! It's like the words hit buttons - like, the reset button in my brain! 

Katherine: That style is particularly challenging -

Hank: Yeah, you have to spend time looking at it. 

Katherine: Yeah. So, you know. Come back to it, or don't. Whatever. It's fine. 

Hank: [laughs] Yeah.

Katherine: That was my poem for the day. 

Hank: Thank you very much.

Katherine: Should we answer some questions, Hank? This is an advice podcast about death. 

Hank: That's a fantastic idea. Its' been like, ten minutes. 



 Question 1 (10:52)



Hank: Okay, this first question comes from Arthur, who asks, "Dear Hank and John, what am I supposed to do with the cereal crumbs and bits that are left at the end of the bag box of cereal?"

Katherine: Mmm. 

Hank: I like that it's a bag box, because there is a bag in the box, and also it can just be a bag. "I can't pour them in with the rest of the cereal. That will ruin the cereal and the milk (not water) -" yeah not water. John's not here, "- experience by making everything way too sweet or adding weird texture. I can't throw them away because that's wasteful, and this stuff is expensive! What did my mom do with those bits when I was a kid?"  [laughs] That's a good, I mean, I'm not your mom! 

Katherine: That's a great question, but I do have a suggestion. 

Hank: What. 

Katherine: She just nommed them while you weren't around.

Hank: Yeah! Yeah.

Katherine: She's just like, "oh my god, I'm so hungry, and here's a minute, I'll aaaahghlhlhl!" She's just pouring them right down her throat, probably. 

Hank: That's the only - because the only time she ever has to eat is like whenever there's food nearby. 

Katherine: Yeah.

Hank: Just pour the cereal dust into my mouth to sustain me for another hour! 

Katherine: Yeah, um, call your mom and tell her you love her. 

Hank: [laughs] "I'm specifically talking about Quaker oatmeal squares, the king of cereals - "

Katherine: Agreed.

Hank: " - but your answer - " They are very good! "Your answer may have slightly more universal applications. Please help bring peace to my mind. There are enough things to worry about at 6 o'clock in the morning." Yeah, first of all, don't worry about this. Also, there are too many things to worry about. We have to stop worrying about things. 

Katherine: Yeah. I mean, can I not have an opinion on this? 

Hank: What do you - I mean, I can tell you what I do with them. I pour them into the milk and I eat it, and I say, "oh, this bowl of cereal was different than the rest of my bowls of cereal."

Katherine: Right. You know, you just -

Hank: It's variety!

Katherine: - treat it as like a different experience. Like, these are left. There is the challenge of like, can I separate these from the - and with oatmeal squares you kind of can because you can pull out the things that are whole.

Hank: Mmhmm.

Katherine: Finish that, then put the dust in. 

Hank: Right.

Katherine: And then it's like porridge instead of cereal.

Hank: Yeah, you're making a porridge! Well and the thing - for Frosted Mini Wheats, then they get really sweet because it's all the sugar bits that fell off -

Katherine: I throw that away.

Hank: - and then it's like, that is some sugary milk I just made.

Katherine: Yeah.

Hank: But oatmeal squares are different because they're consistent throughout. So you basically just make an oatmeal square porridge.

Katherine: So I have suggestions if you don't want to just trash them or put them down your in-sink-erator. Granola. I don't know, mix them in with some granola -

Hank: Yeah, mix them in with some granola.

Katherine: - that's already, the texture's already weird in there. 

Hank: Uh-huh.

Katherine: Squirrel food. 

Hank: Squirrel food! Yeah, yeah, yeah! Squirrels all over, or birds maybe.

Katherine: Do you like birds or squirrels? Maybe they'll eat it. Encourage the rodents and things to come to your house. 

Hank: Well, -

Katherine: It's like Cinderella. [laughs] Maybe they'll be friends and make you a dress later. 

Hank: Yeah. Do you know the difference between porridge and gruel? 

Katherine: I do, yes.

Hank: Because we were talking about it the other day. 

Katherine: Yes, but I probably would have been able to tell you the difference earlier than that. 

Hank: Apparently gruel is drinkable.

Katherine: Yeah, it's like a liquid. It's like a thin liquid soup. 

Hank: Yeah, it sounds bad, now that -

Katherine: Well, yeah. You know, it's not the king of cereals.

Hank: It's certainly not. And also, it is called gruel. 

Katherine: Right?

Hank: Which was maybe a bad branding decision. 

Katherine: Yeah.

Hank: Who came up with that one? 

Katherine: Interesting that the word for it is so unappetizing. 

Hank: Gruel!

Katherine: It's grruely. [gurgling noises]

Hank: Yeah. I kind of feel the same way about all of the hot wets in the cereal kingdom. Like oatmeal, I have not yet been able to get behind oatmeal. And I'm 37 years old! I feel like I'm getting to the stage of my life where I should be more of an oatmeal kind of person. 

Katherine: Hmm. 

Hank: But I just can't get there. But I am now to the point where I can have like muesli and yogurt. Like, I can do that and I'm happy. 

Katherine: Well that's not warm. Soft.

Hank: But like, yeah, as soon as it's warm, I'm like, out. Warm cereals I'm like, out the door. Maybe I need another ten years and then I'll be a warm cereal guy. I feel like it's something that happens to people as they get older. My dad's always eating warm cereal! 

Katherine: Is he? [long pause] No! He does the same thing you do! He eats granola and yogurt! 

Hank: [laughs] Maybe. Maybe it's genetic. I remember a lot of oatmeal happening when I was young. 

Katherine: Anyway, should we move on? This is an interesting discussion about what breakfast foods you like. Let's answer another question!

Hank: [with a small voice] You're cruel.



 Question 2 (15:13)



Katherine: "Dear Hank and John, I am currently working as an assistant English teacher in Japan. The experience is great, but as I don't speak Japanese very well, my way of making friends usually consists of looking interested while people talk at me and nodding my head and making 'uh-huh' noises. Recently though, this method has, as I found out later, resulted in one of the art teachers at my school offering to do a portrait of me to give to my mom?"

Hank: And you agreed to this. 

Katherine: Well, unintentionally.

Hank: You nodded your head and said, "uh-huh." 

Katherine: "I'm of course flattered, but also slightly afraid. I don't usually like renditions of myself." That, okay. 

Hank: Yeah. 

Katherine: "But even more worryingly, I especially don't want to give a portrait of myself as a gift to anyone, no matter the quality and then there's that old saying that has been running through my mind of how the fastest way to lose a friend is to paint them." Wow, that's not a saying I've ever heard. 

Hank: No.

Katherine: "Any and all questionable advice will be greatly appreciated. See ya lata, Ada." 

Hank: Oh yeah! I, wait, so. The fastest way to lose a friend is to paint them. That would not result in me losing a friend because everyone would be like, "of course that looks terrible, Hank has painted one thing, Hanklerfish, and only that."

Katherine: [laughing] It would be like, everyone is a fish! That's how you start, and then it's like, -

Hank: Yeah and then it's like, -

Katherine: "You have eyes, right?"

Hank: "Glasses." 

Katherine: Yeah! [laughs]

Hank: "Putting on your glasses and a stripey shirt, because you wear stripey shirts sometimes." 

Katherine: Yeah, what's your distinguishing feature? I couldn't tell you a single thing. 

Hank: Your hair, with a ponytail. 

Katherine: Right, yeah.

Hank: Anglerfish with a ponytail. 

Katherine: Anyway, Ada, I think -

Hank: You've got, well, I mean, I feel like you've got to sit for a portrait! 

Katherine: Yeah!

Hank: That sounds cool!

Katherine: Just take this as, like, an interesting experience you're going to have, whether or not you give it to your mom is your decision once they give it to you. 

Hank: Yeah, and if you don't -

Katherine: But also, your mother would love a portrait of you!

Hank: I think that might be really nice.

Katherine: You're in Japan, whereas your mom - she's not with you all the time. She wants to see your face. 

Hank: Yeah! Especially painted by a Japanese artist! 

Katherine: I know, that sounds like such a cool present! 

Hank: It sounds like a pretty cool present. And if your mom doesn't want it, maybe you just send it to me! Send it to Hank and John Green! 

Katherine: No. That's okay. 

Hank: You can take a cell phone picture of it though and send it to hankandjohn@gmail.com. Because we would like to see it.

Katherine: We will put it on the Patreon. If you're interested in sharing the portrait that comes out of this. Yes. We would like to put it on the Patreon for others to see.

Hank: Do you feel like if someone asks to paint you that there's more coming along with that request than just, "I would like to paint you?" Like, is it a Titanic situation? 

Katherine: I don't know. There's so many ways this could go. I don't know - she doesn't say anything about -

Hank: She doesn't say that there's any concern in that department. Because I'm -

Katherine: - who the art teacher is, -

Hank: Right.

Katherine: Or what her relationship with this person is other than that, like, is this person flirting with you and you're just not sure because, you know, language and cultural barriers? 

Hank: Yeah, you don't speak the - yeah. I don't know, I feel like if I -

Katherine: Something, I mean, you know, if you don't fell comfortable with it -

Hank: Oh yeah, don't do it. 

Katherine: - obviously don't do it. But if it just seems like an innocent, this person is interested in making a facial study -

Hank: Yeah.

Katherine: Because you probably - I don't know - may, don't look like the person, the people that this art teacher sees all the time. 

Hank: Yeah!

Katherine: So maybe they just want a different face to look at. I don't, - I think, you know, obviously up to you, but if it was me I'd do it. Yeah. 

Hank: Yeah! 

Katherine: The end. 

Hank: The end. 



 Question 3 (18:48)



Hank: This next questions comes from Brooke, who asks, "Dear Hank and John, it is Winter, which means that it is cold. So cold that I am reminded of that scene in Star Wars where Luke is walking in the frozen tundra and then he cuts open the inside of an animal and just like, gets in to keep warm. How cold does it have to be where this is okay? Babbling, Brooke." Babbling Brooke! 

Katherine: Oh, that's good.

Hank: I like it because it is, she is kind of babbling. 

Katherine: Yeah, Agagagagaga!

Hank: Oh gosh, I had a lot of thoughts about opening up a tauntaun. How cold does it have to be to be okay to cut open - well first of all, I think the tauntaun died. 

Katherine: The tauntaun had already died of -

Hank: Exhaustion!

Katherine: Exposure, or exhaustion. Yeah. Which seems unlikely to me, like -

Hank: Right, how is Luke still alive?

Katherine: - Luke would die first. Yeah. This was pre-Jedi strengthening. 

Hank: Also, aren't lightsabers hot? Can't you just huddle up with your lightsaber?

Katherine: Mmmmmmmm-

Hank: If you have a lightsaber, couldn't that keep you warm? Couldn't you just cut, just like, warm your hands on it? 

Katherine: I don't know, man. 

Hank: I don't know. I've never touched a lightsaber. 

Katherine: I know nothing about the physics of lightsabers, given that they are fictional.

Hank: I know that when they touch people, the people get burned. 

Katherine: Yeah, real -

Hank: So you'd think that they'd hot. You'd think that they hot! [laughs] Sometimes it cauterizes the wound and sometimes the people bleed. I think it's interesting that Star Wars lightsaber wounds often don't bleed because there's so little blood in Star Wars and that's sort of one of the ways that they're sort of more kid content. That there isn't as much bleeding and lightsabers and blasters don't tend to leave blood, except for some reason in the cantina in the Mos Eisley spaceport when they cut off that guy's arm. It bleeds. 

Katherine: Hmm!

Hank: In the first one. But that was like, early on. 

Katherine: Yeah, maybe -

Hank: So they hadn't established the rules. 

Katherine: - it was just a different body type. 

Hank: Yeah, alien physiology. Yeah. Mmhmm. 

Katherine: Anyway, how cold does it have to be where this is okay?

Hank: I mean, I think that if it's life or death, I don't know, it's up to you, but I'd kill an animal to live. And that includes crawling into the bowels of a beast of burden. 

Katherine: That's the thing, you know. You just never know. You get in these situations.

Hank: Right.

Katherine: What sort of nasty things you will find yourself to be capable of. 

Hank: Yeah, you're going to find out about yourself. 

Katherine: Yeah. Those - mmm. Yep. That's why you just don't put yourself in that situation.

Hank: That's right. You've got to -

Katherine: Yeah, you don't need to be out there in the cold where that is okay. 

Hank: Yeah.

Katherine: We have got to this point in human cultural evolution where that is not necessary!

Hank: Yeah. 

Katherine: Like, don't go helicoptering to the top of a mountain.

Hank: Oh, yeah and then get left there by yourself so that you - yeah. 

Katherine: Yeah! That's unnecessary!

Hank: It's not good. It's not good for you and it's not good for the bison that you're ultimately going to cut open and sleep inside of. 

Katherine: Oh, I mean, like, also, are there wildlife up there? No. Because they frickin' know. 

Hank: They left! They're out! 

Katherine: Yeah! They're not up there! They know that's not a place for peeps to be! Don't be up there, peeps! 

Hank: Correct.

Katherine: So, yeah. Too cold for you. Is how cold. Too cold.

Hank: Too cold. Don't go to places where it's too cold and it won't be a problem. Also warm yourself on your lightsaber if it comes to that. 

Katherine: Yeah, do not do. 

Hank: Do not do. 



 Question 4 (22:10)



Katherine: Alright, this question comes from Twitter. Thank you for sending in your Twitter question. "Dear Hank and Katherine, my future wife and I want to build a tiny house for ourselves. Is this a good idea or just a load of crap? I am a man in a cup, Joe." What?

Hank: I don't necessarily get your name specific sign-off, but maybe somebody else will.

Katherine: Sure. 

Hank: I do feel like people come down on one of those two sides. Tiny houses are a point of opinion inflection, where people are either like, "I get it and I want to live inside of a place where when I sit up I hit my head on the roof," versus people who are like, "oh my god, stop -"

Katherine: Why.

Hank: "- get over this weird -, " and, so like, -

Katherine: I mean, I think the motivation is good, it's like simplifying your life, -

Hank: Right.

Katherine: - you don't need all this extraneous thing. Also -

Hank: Yeah, and have like 150 square feet -

Katherine: - the challenge of building one.

Hank: Yeah.

Katherine: I could see being interesting. Just because you're like, "how do I get all of the things that normally are in a normal-sized house into a tiny house?" 

Hank: Yeah. And also you get to learn about plumbing and electricity and carpentry and all those things without having to build a whole house. 

Katherine: Right. And ruining a whole house. 

Hank: Or - right, yeah, without ruining a whole house. Or a whole house's worth of lumber. [laughs] 

Katherine: [laughing] Totally, it's like a practice house!

Hank: Yeah, totally.

Katherine: You just practice on this one and then if it's [bleeped] you just take it to the dump! Sorry about the s - word. [laughs] 

Hank: [laughing] Yeah, it's already on a trailer, so you can just drive it there and scrape it off! And that was only 10 months of your life. 

Katherine: No, no, you should deconstruct it and reuse the lumber and whatever.

Hank: Right, yeah. 

Katherine: Make some things. 

Hank: Take it to Home Resource. 

Katherine: I mean, is it a load - I think it is of limited viability. 

Hank: Yeah.

Katherine: For people. Some people can totally do it and cool, whatever, that's fine for them. Some people live in the woods!

Hank: Yeah. I mean, the thing that has always seemed a little weird to me is if you want to live in a tiny space, they exist. They're apartments, and they're trailers, and they're like, mobile homes. There's lots of tiny, - but there's something about the tiny house that is appealing to -

Katherine: It's our aesthetic, yeah.

Hank: - a spot in my mind that doesn't actually correspond with how I would like to live.

Katherine: Yeah.

Hank: It's just something that I like to look at and think about rather than something I would like to be a part of and actually have it be part of my life. I like to have, especially now that we have a child -

Katherine: Yes, it's like an imaginary space, you know? 

Hank: Yeah!

Katherine: Where you can, like, -

Hank: It's sort of like this magical Tardis place.

Katherine: Mmhmm. 

Hank: Yeah. And it is! I love looking at them on like, Dwell, or whatever -

Katherine: Sure. Yeah.

Hank: And watching Tiny House Hunters, but I'm aware that this is not actually a lifestyle that I would enjoy living. 

Katherine: Yeah, and I think it's - try it out first. 

Hank: Yeah, maybe -

Katherine: Before you go through the whole thing of like, buying one and building it and whatever. 

Hank: I bet you can VRBO a tiny house. 

Katherine: Yeah.

Hank: Yeah.

Katherine: And also there's challenges like, legally, logistically, and things, like you've got to find a place to put it and all that stuff.

Hank: You've got to find a place to put it! Yeah, there's already houses on all the normal house places. 

Katherine: And what is your motivation. Why do you want to do this? Do you want to limit your consumption? 

Hank: Mmhmm.

Katherine: Why - I think you should investigate your motivations for this impulse. 

Hank: And also, how tiny is tiny? I have a friend, actually, who's building a tiny house apartment community.

Katherine: Yeah.

Hank: So it's six tiny houses -

Katherine: Uh-huh.

Hank: They don't share walls. But they're not that tiny. They're 500 square feet, which is how big my first apartment was, whereas a lot of tiny houses are like, 100 square feet or 150 square feet, which is just like, ridiculous. 

Katherine: Literally like flatbed trailer, flatbed truck sized. 

Hank: Yeah, whereas this is like, yeah! It's a 500 square foot apartment. That's a way that lots of people live. 

Katherine: Yeah.

Hank: Or like, fitting a tiny house into a shipping container has always been very appealing to me. Like, ah! This house fits in a shipping container! How neat! But I've gone to visit some of those and I'm like, "how does this work?" And they're like, "it's actually pretty expensive." Because shipping containers aren't cheap. 

Katherine: Yeah.

Hank: They're made of steel. They're extremely sturdy boxes made of steel.

Katherine: Well yeah, and like, going through the thing of, like, retro-fitting that, it's not easy! Because it's not done a lot, and so -

Hank: Right.

Katherine: You know, anything that's done more than once is easier.

Hank: Yeah.

Katherine: You know, that's why we do these conveyor belt style things. I don't know. I - can I not have an opinion on this one? 

Hank: Oh, yeah! And I don't either! You can do whatever you want! 

Katherine: That's what we're coming down on this question about.

Hank: But it is - but hopefully we're helping people develop an opinion. 



 Question 5 (27:01)



Hank: Our next question comes from Les, who asks, "Dear Hank and Katherine, what happens if I have a kid and it doesn't like dog! What do I do about the kid?"

Katherine: [laughing] What do I do about the kid? Aw, what if it doesn't like dog?

Hank: First of all, is your dog's name Dog?

Katherine: Yeah.

Hank: Or is it just- or was it a typo? Probably a typo, but I like it better in a world where it's just Dog. "What if I have a kid and it doesn't like dog?" It's just like a panic. Like it's just - and I understand, like, yeah!

Katherine: What if it doesn't like dog? 

Hank: What if it doesn't like dog? Here's a tip from - 

Katherine: I had - My nephew was very, very allergic to animals when he was first born and he loved dog. And cat. And bird and all animal. But he was really, really allergic to them, so they just had to wait, and eventually he kind of grew out of the allergies, but you know, there's time in your life to learn to love dog. 

Hank: Yeah.

Katherine: And also, if they don't, you know, every person is a different person. 

Hank: That's right. 

Katherine: And you can't force your child to be anything -

Hank: Right. Here's what I will tell you -

Katherine: - that it does not want to be. 

Hank: - from having watched a lot of people who had dogs and then had kids, is that the dog becomes less important to you. 

Katherine: Oh, yes. I mean, you still love this dog. 

Hank: Yeah.

Katherine: But you are - it is not top of the pack anymore. 

Hank: Yeah.

Katherine: And maybe you don't love it all that much for a while. 

Hank: [laughing] Maybe for a while it's like, "how on Earth am I supposed to take care of this and this? Why can't you take care of yourself? You're a fully grown animal!" 

Katherine: Yeah. I mean, some -

Hank: I mean, stop peeing on the carpet! 

Katherine: Right. Some people are totally capable of expanding their hearts to fill to anything. But some people aren't, and that's fine too. You know, you can only do as much as you want, but once you have a baby, that's the priority. You've got to recognize that. 

Hank: Yeah. But if you have a kid and it doesn't like dog, though, you can keep dog. You can have things in your house that your kid doesn't like. We have a ton of them! 

Katherine: Oh, yeah! Do we?

Hank: Like, well. No, he seems to like everything right now. 

Katherine: He doesn't really like -

Hank: What doesn't he like? He doesn't like -

Katherine: Sometimes he doesn't like getting his butt wiped. 

Hank: Right. No he doesn't like - he doesn't like the washcloth that we wipe his face with. 

Katherine: Right. He doesn't like face wiping. But that's not like a thing. 

Hank: Probably the thing in his house that he is most, like, has both positive and negative feelings toward, like the things that he has the largest negative feelings toward is us. 

Katherine: Oh yeah, totally. Because we're always trying to make him do stuff he doesn't want to do.

Hank: Right. Like most things he's either indifferent to -

Katherine: Like hug us! 

Hank: - or he loves them -

Katherine: Jeez!

Hank: - like, us he like, loves and also hates.

Katherine: I wouldn't say hate, but tolerates with -

Hank: Yeah. I mean, sometimes he's pretty upset. 

Katherine: Aw. 

Hank: It's such a sad face!

Katherine: Oh, I know. 

Hank: When I'm like, "dude, I just have to do all the bedtime stuff, you've got to sit through the bed- I know your butt hurts!"

Katherine: Yep! Gotta do the bedtime stuff. Gotta -

Hank: He's got some bad diaper rash this week. 

Katherine: Gotta wipe his - it looks so much better today. 

Hank: It does. 

Katherine: Everything's going to be fine, guys! Our baby's butt is good! 



 Question 6 (30:15)



Katherine: Ummmm here's a question from Michael. "Dear Brothers of Clan Green," - or wife and husband of Clan Green, -

Hank: Uh-huh. 

Katherine: "I like to walk around on campus when it is dark."

Hank: Mmm!

Katherine: "I enjoy it because it is peaceful and not many people are out and about. I naturally walk faster than most so when there's another person I would normally walk past them but I don't want to freak them out by making it feel like I am approaching them." 

Hank: But!

Katherine: "But if I slow down and we're going the same general direction - "

Hank: Yes! Uh-huh!

Katherine: " - then it seems like I'm following them." 

Hank: Yeah! 

Katherine: "What do I do? Pavo mediocri salvete, Michael"

Hank: You know, I looked that up?

Katherine: And I don't, sorry about my Latin. I do not do Latin pronunciations.

Hank: Well I looked it up and Google also cant handle this, because Google said it meant "peacock regarding goodbye". 

Katherine: Good! 

Hank: So I don't know what it actually means -

Katherine: Probably not that one.

Hank: - unless Michael meant to say "peacock regarding goodbye." 

Katherine: Huh. 

Hank: Um. I don't know. That's all I got for you. In terms of the sign-off. In terms of the question -

Katherine: Right.

Hank: Here's what you do. Just turn. Just, like, I'm going to walk across the leaves now! Just into a hedge!

Katherine: Yeah, right! If you're just, dude if you're just taking a walk you can go any direction you want. 

Hank: That's right. Yeah, no I do this all the time where I'm like, "I feel awkward!"

Katherine: Yeah.

Hank: This person knows I'm here but doesn't want to turn around to look at me so I'm just going to go into the woods! 

Katherine: [laughing] That's not creepy at all! Just -

Hank: He disappeared! Where did he go, he was right there! He was right behind me! Where did the strange man go?

Katherine: Did he go into the bush? To hide?

Hank: Other solution. You can go with yours, but I have another solution. 

Katherine: Wait, what is - just, I said - just turn? 

Hank: Yeah. 

Katherine: Yeah!

Hank: For a solution. 

Katherine: Yeah!

Hank: I have another solution.

Katherine: Okay. 

Hank: Roller blades. 

Katherine: Ah, right. I mean, there's nothing less threatening. Like, you cannot be like, "oh, here comes a guy on roller blades. Better get out my mace."

Hank: [laughing] I mean, maybe! 

Katherine: Mmm. 

Hank: I don't know! But the thing is on roller blades, people know that you're not approaching them. Like, people know that you're going to be passing them, because you have wheels! You are - you've got the rocket feet! And there is something really non threatening about a guy on roller blades. Especially if they're like hockey skates or not - like if they're like, trick skates maybe that guy looks a little bit cool. 

Katherine: Maybe a bit more - yeah. 

Hank: And he might - but if you've got skates that are just for, like, skating. 

Katherine: If you've got them fitness skates on.

Hank: Yeah, fitness skates. 

Katherine: Mmm, yeah, fitness skates. Nothing sexier. 

Hank: Which is the only kind I've ever had. Oh man, I love roller blading. 

Katherine: I know, it's just not possible here in Montana.

Hank: It's hard in Montana. 

Katherine: We've got bad weather and bad sidewalks. 

Hank: Yeah.

Katherine and Hank together: Because of the bad weather. 

Katherine: Yeah. 

Hank: Yeah, so I have not roller-bladed -

Katherine: I see people around trying, doing it, but I'm like, that's got to be just, -

Hank: [making rattling noises] Brrrrrrrr. 

Katherine: Yeah, what a nightmare. 

Hank: Oh, man. I think we nailed that one out of the park. But yes, this is a legit fear that I have, that I'm freaking people out by walking up behind them. 

Katherine: Yeah.

Hank: Because I'm like, a tall and big guy. 

Katherine: Yeah, right. Totally. Yes. Yeah, I don't necessarily feel this. I mean, maybe I have felt the other way, where I'm like, "what's that person behind me doing?" 

Hank: [laughs] Yeah. 

Katherine: What are they doing? But generally I just don't care about it. 

Hank: And I just wanted to say that Michael said that his girlfriend Jen is a huge fan and we should say hi. Hi Jen, how are you? 

Katherine: Hi Jen, I'm Hank's wife! You don't really, probably care about me. I'm sorry I'm a surrogate John. 



 Question 7 (34:07)



Hank: This next question comes from Hannah, who asks, "Dear Hank and John, the other day I was having a conversation with my friend and she started telling me something that I had originally told her. She stated beforehand that she had heard it from someone but didn't remember who, so it's not like she was, like, stealing my anecdotal facts. But I was not sure how I should proceed. I ended up just sitting there and listening to it as if hearing it for the first time, but like, was I lying and also wasting everyone's time? Apricots and alley cats, Hannah." Yes, you were lying and also wasting everyone's time and you did the right thing. 

Katherine: Ehh, I guess. 

Hank: I do that - like, when John does this to me, I'm always like, yeah, you've told me that before. Or like, yeah, I told you that. 

Katherine: Yeah, I guess it would depend how close you are with this person. Whether you would want to be like, "yeah, I totally told you that. What?" Or if you just -

Hank: Yeah. Well if they're like -

Katherine: - want to be like, in the interest of just getting through your life with minimal conflict. 

Hank: [laughing] Yeah! There was that moment where she was like, "this is something that I heard, but I don't remember who I heard it from," -

Katherine: Right, yeah, that's your moment, man.

Hank: - and then as soon as she started the thing, you'd be like, "oh, that was me. It was Hannah that you heard that from." 

Katherine: Yeah, "I told you that, but weird, right? Cool!" Yeah, because then you can have that conversation instead of just sitting there being like, [under her breath] "we did this story, I talked this."

Hank: [indistinct mumbling]

Katherine: "I told you about this." Yeah. 

Hank: I know all about the ship of Theseus, oh my gaaawd. 

Katherine: So just, next time. 

Hank: So just next time. 

Katherine: You can break in and say "yeah, I'm the one that told you that." 

Hank: "I am the source of all your best facts!" 

Katherine: [laughing] I mean, Hank Green -

Hank: What?

Katherine: - will steal all your stories. 

Hank: I will steal all your stories, -

Katherine: And tell them back to you like you never existed in the first place. 

Hank: It's not true!

Katherine: He's a story amoeba. 

Hank: [tiny voice] Do I do that? Do I do that? 

Katherine: Um. I don't think you do it intentionally. But -

Hank: [laughs] Oh, I definitely don't do it intentionally, -

Katherine: But you do absorb stories into your, - eh, John does it too. 

Hank: Oh yeah. 

Katherine: I think it's pretty natural. You're like, I have a great story. I told this. I - yeah. 

Hank: Yep.

Katherine: It's just, you just want to, you know -

Hank: That's embarrassing.

Katherine: - be an interesting -

Hank: Thank you for always calling me out on my b.s. Katherine.

Katherine: Oh, it's not, I mean it's minimal b.s., you know. 



 Question 8 (36:35)



Katherine: But here's a better question, - oh, not that that was a bad question. It's from Adam and the subject of the email was, "The mysterious ticking noise." 

Hank: Mmm. 

Katherine: Adam says, "Dear Hank and John," or Katherine, "when I stay over at my friend's house, I always sleep on the couch. There happens to be a clock very nearby that ticks very loudly. The ticking is so disruptive that it renders me unable to sleep while slowly chipping away at my soul. What do I do?"

Hank: [laughing] What do I do?

Katherine: "It's not a bridge, it's Adam." 

Hank: Ahhhhh. What do you do? 

Katherine: Ummm, take them batteries out. 

Hank: Take them batteries out. 

Katherine: I mean, if it has batteries.

Hank: Or you could - does it come off the wall? Is it mobile? Take it somewhere else.

Katherine: Yeah. 

Hank: Put it -

Katherine: I mean, unless it's like a grandfather clock, like -

Hank: Oh, then when - have I ever told you the story - 

Katherine: Here's another question, like, why are you sleeping on the couch in your friend's house? 

Hank: What do you mean?

Katherine: I don't know! 

Hank: Where else would you sleep? 

Katherine: On the floor in your friend's room? That's where I always slept.

Hank: I don't know, if there's a couch, I'd rather be on a couch than the floor.

Katherine: Mmm. I don't know. Ooh, head- uh, what-they-call-em? What-they-call-em, earplugs! 

Hank: Yeah! 

Katherine: There you go, you just bring earplugs to your friend's house every time, or you just leave a pair there. You put them on that clock because then you'll know where they are. 

Hank: Or like hide them inside the clock somewhere so that everybody who sleeps on the couch can know that those - like they take the - and they're like, "there's earplugs in the clock!" 

Katherine: The clock earplugs. Or like earmuffs or something, you know. That you can -

Hank: So the thing that I, - when I'm on tour sometimes I end up sleeping in rooms with -

Katherine: Yeah. 

Hank: - guys who snore. And -

Katherine: Right. Noises you cannot avoid. 

Hank: Yeah. And if you, like, get an app, like a white noise app. The one I use is called Simply Noise. And you put your earbuds in your phone and then in your ear and you play white noise directly in your ear, you will not hear it if the world ends. 

Katherine: Right into your brain. It just turns you right off. 

Hank: And I do this -

Katherine: It's amazing.

Hank: I do this fairly regularly. 

Katherine: This is a good trick and it's good for everyone. Everyone should do it. You need to sleep. 

Hank: You need to sleep. It's amazing to me the way that some people are able to sleep, because I have had such a pampered life. Did I ever tell you the story of the time that I had my computer in the guest bedroom of my house? And I created a screensaver for that computer in which there was a picture of me - this was the screensaver that I made - and I knocked on the screen from the inside and it made a knocking noise of like, knocking on glass. And -

Katherine: This is a new story to me.

Hank: And there was a whole bunch more to -

Katherine: And I am a little freaked out.

Hank: - a whole bunch more to the screensaver. But that was part of it, and it was about a two minute loop. And my - John's girlfriend came to visit and slept in the guest bedroom. And we turned off the computer monitor but the speakers were still on, so every two minutes -

Katherine: [whispers] Oh my god. 

Hank: - the computer made a noise like someone knocking on the inside of the computer glass. 

Katherine: Like, [knocking noise]

Hank: Well, it was a CRT monitor, yeah -

Katherine: Yeah, yeah, like a - I can hear it -

Hank: Yeah, [imitates clunking noise on a CRT monitor's glass] 

Katherine. Yeah. 

Hank: And, so and like, she slept -

Katherine: [laughing] She had a terrible night! 

Hank: - the whole - like, she did not sleep, but she was in that room all night long with that noise happening every two minutes. And I was just like, "you have to get up and just pull the plug out of the wall." 

Katherine: Well, yeah, I mean -

Hank: Or just let somebody know, or -

Katherine: - investigate! Yeah. 

Hank: Turn the speaker - or there's a number of - if this is bothering you, it's totally fine, as long as you set the clock back in the morning or you put it in the bathroom and you're like, "oh, the clock ticking was bothering me. I took care of it. I am a person who is more important than the location of a clock."

Katherine: [laughing] Yes, it's fine to be like, "can I move this while I sleep here tonight?" or whatever. But if you don't want to do that, earplugs. 

Hank: Yeah, or earbuds.

Katherine: Or your white noise. 



 Sponsors (40:40)




Hank: And Simply Noise. Sponsor of this podcast. This podcast sponsored by Simply Noise! The app that is free and has all kinds of different noises. It has white noise, it has brown noise, it has pink noise -

Katherine: I have bad news for you. 

Hank: What's wrong?

Katherine: It doesn't work on my phone anymore. Because they -

Hank: [gasps] What?

Katherine: It does not work on newer versions of iOS for some reason.

Hank: Oh. Well it works on Google Play, I'll tell you that.

Katherine: I don't know, I -

Hank: Well, there's other ones.

Katherine: Like, yeah. So, some sort of white noise app. 

Hank: Maybe this podcast -

Katherine: I wish it was Simply Noise. 

Hank: - is going to buy Simply Noise so that we can continue to update the software, because I imagine they don't make a ton of money off of their, like, more advanced noise packages.

Katherine: I mean, the nice thing about it is just - it literally is just, there's nothing else. It was no frills. It was beautiful.

Hank: Yeah. Right. It just had like, you could -

Katherine: Yep. 

Hank: - pick the noise, and you could pick the volume. 

Katherine: Yep. A lot of these other ones, they've got all these kinds of choices and things on them and I don't care about that, like night lights. Anyway, this podcast is also brought to you by a bag box of cereal. 

Hank: Mmm!

Katherine: And Quaker oatmeal squares, the king of cereals. 

Hank: So good! This podcast is [laughing] also brought to you by fitness blades! They're fitness rollerblades. You can go fast without ever looking even a little bit threatening! Main advantage.

Katherine: [laughing] Come on up and put on these fitness blades!

Hank: Fitness blades.

Katherine: You will not get a date. 

Hank: [laughing] That's not true! You will only get dates from really, really cool people. 

Katherine: Mmm. Okay. This podcast is also brought to you by a lightsaber, maybe? It can keep you warm? 

Hank: [laughing] A lightsaber, maybe. 

Katherine: [laughing] If you're looking for a tool like that, it's a great tool. 

Hank: Yeah.

Katherine: That could serve you some purpose. 

Hank: It could, especially if you had, like, a tiny house that you need to take apart, because it turned out that was a bad idea.

Katherine: Exactly. 

Hank: Perfect.

Katherine: If you need to deconstruct that tiny house real fast, lightsaber it up! 

Hank: [humming lightsaber noises] Vom vom vom. And this podcast is additionally brought to you by our actual sponsor which is - [in a sing-song voice] merchandise for Dear Hank and John, we've got new merchandise! 

Katherine: [laughing] I didn't know where you were going. I didn't know that. He's literally brought the t-shirt into the studio as though -

Hank: I could show it to you all. Here it is.

Katherine: - we could see it. I mean, I can see it. 

Hank: [cloth noises] Can you hear it?

Katherine: Yeah, rub it around on that microphone. 

Hank: [laughs] Do the ASMR thing?

Katherine: Yeah, do it. Rub it around. That's a real good microphone right there -

Hank: Stop it. [laughing] We've got a Dear Hank and John shirt. 

Katherine: Wow, if you want to make Hank uncomfortable real quick you've got -

Hank: [laughing] Wearing the headphones! Uh, we've got, it's a Dear Hank and John shirt.

Katherine: [laughing] He's literally holding it up -

Hank: I am.

Katherine: - as though you can see it! Why? Why is he still doing it? So I can describe it to you?

Hank: Yeah, describe it! 

Katherine: Okay, so the words "Dear Hank and John" are on the shirt. It's a black shirt, very nice black shirt. Inside of an octagon shape like a stop sign. 

Hank: Mmhmm.

Katherine: And all of those things are made out of - one guess - Omagles. 

Hank: They are, yes. Or possible Amazles. 

Katherine: Or possibly Amazles! Dear Hank and John's first new product. It's beautiful. It's primary colors plus green. 

Hank: Mmhmm. 

Katherine: And the shirt is black, and pfft, I mean, if you like this podcast, Hank. 

Hank: What? [tearing noise] 

Katherine: Boy.

Hank: That was me tearing off the tag because it's got a tear-off tag! So you don't have to deal with a tag! 

Katherine: Yeah, that's great. Then you never know how to wash it again. 

Hank: Eh, just wash it on normal. 

Katherine: Treat it like a t-shirt.

Hank: [laughs] Just wash it on normal.

Katherine: It's the t-shirt one. [laughs] Give it a t-shirt wash. 

Hank: Wash it on American cheese.

Katherine: Is that the end of the ques-

Hank: [whispering] What? What was that?

Katherine: What?

Hank: [laughing] That didn't make sense! What did I mean?

Katherine: [laughing] The normal setting? 

Hank: [laughing] Normal - it's normal! 

Katherine: American cheese?

Hank: Yeah, because that's what normal cheese is! Regular! 

Katherine: Normal! Yeah. Regular cheese. 

Hank: Regular cheese.

Katherine: Are there any other questions we need to answer, or should we just, -

Hank: Oh, I think there might be a couple. We've also got a sticker. 

Katherine: Oh yeah. 

Hank: We've got a Dear Hank and John sticker. It's on my laptop.

Katherine: It's a beautiful Dear Hank and John sticker you need to get and put that on something! 

Hank: And we have a poster as well, a secret snakes poster. 

Katherine: Ooh, there is one more question I need to get to.

Hank: Oh, okay. Alright. 



 Question 9 (45:15)



Katherine: This question comes from Maggie, who asks, Dear Hank and Katherine, how do cave people cut their fingernails? Did they even cut them?" 

Hank: Oh no. 

Katherine: "Or did they just break all the time?"

Hank: [groaning] Oh god. 

Katherine: "Cringing over prehistoric keratin, Maggie." Agreed, Maggie. Thank you for making me think about this and now I'm giving it to the rest of the pod listeners. 

Hank: Now all of you have to think about this as well. 

Katherine: Mmm. I mean, there's nothing better to think about that just your fingernails breaking all the time. I have no idea. And I did not research this and I wonder if anyone has thought about it. 

Hank: Yes!

Katherine: But probably. 

Hank: Yeah. So I did a little bit of research on this one. 

Katherine: Okay, great.

Hank: And it turns out -

Katherine: Hank comes through. 

Hank: Yeah. So, other- like, as far as what prehistoric people did, we've got some guesses, but we know 100% what chimpanzees do. 

Katherine: Okay! Alright, sure.

Hank: Because chimpanzees also have fingernails. 

Katherine: Sure, sure, sure, sure.

Hank: And they chew their fingernails. Chimpanzees chew their own fingernails and they -

Katherine: That was my first thought - 

Hank: Yeah, when they get too long.

Katherine: - was that they probably just trimmed them off with their own teeth.

Hank: Yeah. And it's a -

Katherine: Because that's what teeth are good for. 

Hank: And other animals do this too, like cats will chew off their toenails when they get too long.

Katherine: Mmhmm. Well, they chew off the sheath. Yeah.

Hank: Right, right. And we've found nail care -

Katherine: It's just part of the natural grooming thing.

Hank: - kits from like the Roman times and Egyptian times. 

Katherine: Scuzi?

Hank: Yeah. Nail care kits from the Romans. And apparently there was a person that you went to. Like the same person who would trim your beard and your hair would also do your nails.

Katherine: Okay, yeah yeah yeah! Yeah! The dentist! 

Hank: Yeah, probably also a dentist. Did you mean to say dentist?

Katherine: Yes! Because I feel like the dentist was also like, the person that shaved you. 

Hank: Right.

Katherine: At a certain point in time. 

Hank: Probably, yeah.

Katherine: It was just like, this was the guy who took care of all the weird things on your body parts.

Hank: Just like, zit-dit-dit-dit-dit-dat looking good! 

Katherine: Yeah. 

Hank: Uh, Cairo? I don't know. I was trying to come up with a Greek name and I said Cairo. 

Katherine: Nope, that's not going to do it for you. 

Hank: No. 

Katherine: Sparta. 

Hank: Augustus! 

Katherine: Troy - oh, oh! A name of the man. 

Hank: Yeah, of a person. 

Katherine: Oh, I see.

Hank: Looking good, Augustus. 

Katherine: Right.

Hank: Augi. 

Katherine: Well that's more of a Roman name, isn't it. 

Hank: Ah, dang it! 

Katherine: Wow, he's really failing over there.

Hank: Looking good, Xerxes. No, that was the Persian guy! 

Katherine: [claps while laughing]

Hank: What are some Greek people? Looking good, George Stephanopoulos! 

Katherine: Ooh! Sure. 

Hank: That's a Greek person. 

Katherine: Sure, that's a last name. I was thinking about, you know, like Aristotle, -

Hank: Aristotle! Looking good, Socrates [pronounced So - crates].

Katherine: There you go. [laughs]

Hank: [laughs] There you go. 

Katherine: You got there. It was good. Well, thanks for looking that up for me. Now I don't have to worry about it although I also don't really like thinking about -

Hank: Right. 

Katherine: - all this fingernail chewing. I know that -

Hank: But when people - there are like, when you do work, like manual labor, like manual agriculture -

Katherine: Yeah. 

Hank: Your nails do break a lot. 

Katherine: Yeah.

Hank: And you don't probably have to chew your fingernails because you're digging in the dirt and you're just carrying heavy things all the time probably.

Katherine: Yeah. Oh yeah. Yep. 

Hank: Oof. Oof. 

Katherine: Yep. We're both like, twiddling our fingernails at the moment. Anyway.

Hank: I love my fingernails the way that they are. 



 News from Mars and AFC Wimbledon (48:46)




Katherine: Hank, should we get to the news from Mars and AFC Wimbledon? 

Hank: We sure should.

Katherine: Is it time for that? 

Hank: Yeah.

Katherine: Great. 

Hank: [laughing] You seem so excited. 

Katherine: As a guest of the pod, I have the pleasure of bringing you the news from AFC Wimbledon! And this is hot off the presses from yesterday, November 21st, which is going to be not so new for the rest of you when you hear this next week. Um.

Hank: Sound more excited.

Katherine: Wimbledon continue their upturn in fortunes!

Hank: Ooh! 

Katherine: With a desperately hard-fought goalless draw! At Oldham. 

Hank: Are you reading? 

Katherine: Yes, I'm reading the BBC.com sport article because they have done the work for me. "The Dons had their backs to the wall for almost the entire 90 minutes." Yes, they give you the shots lineup there and it's 16 shots from Oldham to Wimbledon's 2, so they really were up against the wall. 

Hank: Oof!

Katherine: "But a determined rear-guard action saw them deny their in-form hosts."

Hank: Mmmm!

Katherine: Thank goodness for the rear guard because nil-nil draw seems like the best that Wimbledon can hope for at the moment. "Lyle Taylor fired over for Wimbledon before home striker Craig Davies found the net with a rebound only to be ruled offside." 

Hank: [gasps] 

Katherine: I know.

Hank: [groans] 

Katherine: Ach. "And then Oldham seized control, but a brilliant last-ditch tackle by Wimbledon captain Barry Fuller kept the score-sheet blank." So they're hanging in there. I think they're still like, one slot out of relegation. They're at 19th right now. 

Hank: Yeah.

Katherine: And they have to be in the top 20. 

Hank: Well. Nil-nil draw -

Katherine: So, hanging on there with the little fingernails that they probably trim with some clippers or something instead of their teeth. But who knows?

Hank: Who knows? 

Katherine: Good luck.

Hank: Who knows, maybe when it feels as tight at is right now, they're [nail biting noise] grkgrkgrkgrk.

Katherine: Maybe they are chewing them. 

Hank: Mmhmm.

Katherine: Well, so, that's the news from America's favorite third-tier English football team. 

Hank: [laughs] The Mars news is also mixed. So, you heard a couple years ago that there were these recurring dark stripes that would seemingly flow down -

Katherine: Yeah!

Hank: -steep areas of Mars, and it was liquid water on Mars. 

Katherinie: Uh-huh. 

Hank: May not be liquid water on Mars, is the new paper that is out. So the main argument that this paper makes is that these stripes appear just at the places and at the slope angle that - and mostly on sand dunes where sand is continuously replenished - that the sand would fall at. And it stops - they stop when the slope angle gets to the place where sand would not fall anymore. And so -

Katherine: Mmm, so they think it's some sort of dark sand.

Hank: They think it may just be like a dark sand thing. But the original thought behind it being water was twofold. One, there were some of these salts that would significantly lower the freezing point of water so that the water would stay liquid for longer. 

Katherine: Okay.

Hank: In colder areas. 

Katherine: Uh-huh.

Hank: So the salts were there, which made sense that the water would be sort of this liquid slushy stuff. And also they were seasonal, so it would only happen in the summer time when it was warmer. So there'd be liquid sort of seeping out, was the idea, when it got warmer. Some stuff was melting and the liquid was seeping out. Liquid water was seeping out. 

Katherine: Right. 

Hank: But the sort of counter-arguments there are that those salts are around, so maybe this isn't the situation and it just happened to be in those places, and as far as the seasonality there is also some seasonality to how dust moves around on Mars. So that could be not water. And there's really no way to tell with the current instruments we have orbiting Mars. To point those instruments and to be able to tell just by looking at it what it is, we'd have to either have new instruments that would do something - I don't know how they would do it, if you could do spectroscopy from that far away and have it detect water.

Katherine: Mmm. 

Hank: Or you've got to go right up on to it and be like, "hey, what's up?"

Katherine: Yeah. 

Hank: And NASA doesn't really want to do that because they're worried that Curiosity has Earth microbes on it that they could potentially contaminate any Mars life that might be there.

Katherine: Well, and also it seems like the ground in that area is probably -

Hank: It's very steep.

Katherine: - quite unstable and steep, so -

Hank: Yeah. Sandy, 30 degree slopes, yeah.

Katherine: It seems dangerous -

Hank: Not fun for Curiosity. 

Katherine: - to send your rover there. 

Hank: Yep. Good point. 

Katherine: So maybe, is the 2020 rover going to have any probes it can launch from it? That would be interesting.

Hank: You know, there has been about that, about having basically a quadcopter -

Katherine: Yeah!

Hank: Like a drone that would go off of it, but they would mostly be using that to scout.

Katherine: Okay, not -

Hank: To see, like, higher resolution where the rover is going to go, rather than doing science -

Katherine: Hmm. For route planning. 

Hank: - yeah, science on its own. 

Katherine: Well, maybe they can think about having a science drone instead. 

Hank: Science drone!

Katherine: Or in addition.

Hank: But these are called -

Katherine: Because that's what they're always doing on the Enterprise, they're like, "send a probe -"

Hank: Send a probe! 

Katherine: "- we can't get the Enterprise near it, it's too dangerous!" 

Hank: [laughs] Your face - sorry nobody else got to see that face. 

Katherine: That was my serious starship captain face and voice. 

Hank: Yeah. But these are - they're called "recurring slope lineae," and there are a ton of them now, we've found them all over the place. Which is sort of another reason why we're like, "maybe this isn't water" because they're everywhere. They've found hundreds of them. 

Katherine: Right.

Hank: Like, hundreds of different locations, not just hundreds of slopes. So that's the sort of whomp whomp of the day. It might just be dust. 

Katherine: Yeah, I mean, pfffft. 

Hank: You know.

Katherine: Seems likely to me. It is a cold, dead planet.

Hank: There is, to be clear, plenty of water on Mars. Just not liquid water. People get very confused by this, and like, no there's definitely lots of water on Mars. We see that all over the place.

Katherine: Yeah, we just have a different word for it. We call it ice.

Hank: Ice. Yes. Well, I guess, when you say "we," who do you mean?

Katherine: Humans.

Hank: Because I would call ice "water".

Katherine: Humans. 

Hank: No. Scientists refer to all states of water as water. 

Katherine: Okay, but there are different words for water when it's in different states. As well.

Hank: Yes. Water vapor. Ice.

Katherine: That humans use. We call it steam sometimes. 

Hank: Yeah, I guess we call it steam. 

Katherine: Yeah. I mean it's not like when you say -

Hank: Yeah. We call it steam.

Katherine: - ice, you're talking about like, frozen -

Hank: You might be, that's the thing! 

Katherine: - alcohol. 

Hank: That's the confusing thing! You could be!

Katherine: Yeah, but no one normally is doing that. 

Hank: But like, if I just have like, a block of iron -

Katherine: Nope. 

Hank: That's kind of like iron ice. 

Katherine: Yeah.

Hank: Because it's not liquid, it's solid. 

Katherine: That's totally how normal human beings talk and think. Just say ice!

Hank: But, like, there are other ices! 

Katherine: I know. But -

Hank: Especially on other planets. There's like, tons of ice.

Katherine: Are you doing science communication for lay people? 

Hank: I'm just saying -

Katherine: For the most part, yes. 

Hank: Right. Yes. 

Katherine: So.

Hank: Ice is fine.

Katherine: Maybe we should just say ice water. 

Hank: Right. There's lots of ice. There's lots of ice on Mars. 

Katherine: Worter ice. 

Hank: There's also lots of dry ice on Mars. And we have a word for that as well. It's called dry ice. 

Katherine: Mmm! 

Hank: Worter ice.

Katherine: Now I'm confused. 

Hank: It's a beebee wheel! 

Katherine: [laughing] Those are not related accents. 

Hank: I know, I'm sorry.

Katherine: But okay. 

Hank: What are you confused about? 

Katherine: No, no no. Never mind. It's not important. Dry ice and water ice. 

Hank: Right. Well dry ice is carbon dioxide ice. 

Katherine: Oh! Okay, thank you. 

Hank: Yeah. Yes.

Katherine: That's what I needed. 

Hank: Okay. 



 Outro and Credits (57:15)



Hank: Katherine:

Katherine: Yes, Hank! 

Hank: Thank you for podding with me. What did we learn today? 

Katherine: Wait, we got to the end already? 

Hank: It happened. 

Katherine: Um, what did we learn today? I don't remember. I told you about this in the beginning. [laughs] We learned that there's that cereal dust at the bottom of the bag, and you don't know what happened to it when you were a kid growing up, because your mom was just out there, like, taking care of business, because she was so hungry. 

Hank: I just had the though of, you know like dip - dipping, like the dip sugar? 

Katherine: Oh, good lord, like Fun Dip? 

Hank: Fun Dip! Yeah, like doing that, like, licking a popsicle stick, and mom like, rolling it around in the frosting, in the frosted mini wheat dust -

Katherine: Yeah, you know what she probably did -

Hank: Like, "I just want to eat something!" 

Katherine: She probably poured it into her cold, cold cup of coffee and was like, "this'll do. Nyarglgarglegorgle."

Hank: Poor mom! [laughs] Everybody thank your mom. We also learned that if kid doesn't like dog, then you can keep kid and dog, and that'll be okay. Not everybody in the house has to like each other. 

Katherine: Yeah, I mean, this is a good lesson for your kid. 

Hank: Yeah. Right! Yes, things aren't always perfect. And I'll tell you what. Cat does not like baby, in our house.

Katherine: [laughs] Cat does not like baby. 

Hank: So, she's going to live with that. 

Katherine: Oh man, poor cat. Sorry, cat. We also learned that Verizon will get around any sort of sign ordinance by just making their building a sign!

Hank: Taking over the creepy little grocery store where they sold stinky cheese. 

Katherine: Corporate espionage.

Hank: That's not what it is.

Katherine: That's not the right word. 

Hank: No.

Katherine: Whatever. 

Hank: [laughs] But we also learned that lightsabers are extremely effective at deconstructing your tiny house. 

Katherine: Ooh!

Hank: Once you've decided to move past that lifestyle.

Katherine: [laughing] Once you grow up a little bit. I mean - 

Hank: [laughs] I mean, -

Katherine: Yeah. Nope. Whatever. Great. Lighthouses. Lighthouses! 

Hank: Lighthouses! Lighthouses are kind of tiny houses, they've just got really big lights on them. 

Katherine: Yeah. Well, yes. Lighthouses are a house for a light. And a light is both tiny and infinite. 

Hank: Hey, Katherine, do you want to go make This Week in Ryans with me for the Patreon.

Katherine: Oh, I sure do. If you want to get access to This Week in Ryans, you need to come on over and join us on the Dear Hank and John Patreon. For five dollars a month.

[outro music plays]

Hank: Mmhmm.

Katherine: You can get access to this quality bonus content. I paid for it and I probably didn't have to, but I -

Hank: You do, really?

Katherine: Yeah, I pay for it. I don't really know what the money goes to from the Dear Hank and John Patreon. What do you do with it?

Hank: It goes to everything. All of our Complexly enterprises.

Katherine: Okay, yeah. It's just funding - helping to fund Complexly enterprises. So you know, you can feel good about it. It's not like John and Hank are like, "Gimme dem fives, I'ma roll around in 'em!" Nope.

Hank: Nope. It funds like, SciShow and Crash Course and stuff. 

Katherine: Yeah. So yeah, come on over to the Patreon. Join us on This Week in Ryans

Hank: [squeaky voice] This week in Ryans! 

Katherine: Yeah, I'm not going to do it. I'm going to let Hank do that. 

Hank: Yeah, so we're going to do that. But in the mean time, thank you for listening, Thank you to Nick Jenkins, our editor, this podcast is produced by Rosianna Halse Rojas and Sheridan Gibson, our head of community and communications is Victoria Bongiorno, my guest host today has been Katherine Green, the wonderful music you're hearing right now is by the great Gunnarolla, and as they say in our hometown, 

Hank and Katherine together: Don't forget to be awesome. 

[outro music ends]