John: So, Hank, we're going to try something a little different today. You and I have come up with a phrase of the week. This might not last. This- This bit might be stupid.

Hank: [Laughs}

J: But we've come up with a phrase of the week and whoever successfully works the phrase of the week in to uh... our conversation without it being obvious that it's the phrase of the week wins the nonexistent prize of the day.

H: Right so the idea is no one-- like. If the-- If people know that I've done it before-- 

J: [crosstalk] The other person wins.

H: - you identify it then... then you win. But if no one realizes that it's happened... and I don't know how-- 

J: Right

H: --we're going to judge that John. Except by me bickering...

J: Well I think we're gonna know... I think we're gonna know in our hearts

H: [Laughs]

J: I think we're definitely gonna know in our hearts. 

 

J: Hello, and welcome to Dear John and Hank.

H: Or! Ah! It's called, Dear Hank and John! 

J: A comedy podcast about death in which me, and my brother Hank, provide you with dubious advice, answer your questions, and bring you all the week's news from both Mars and AFC Wimbleton. But first: How're you doing, Hank?

H: Oh my god! This really is distracting and kind of feels wrong and gross!

J: I would say that it feels just right. It feels like the podcast is always going to feel after... uh... we don't get to Mars in 2027. How are ya?

H: Uh... Good John and I uh... eh... just want to know-- everyone to know that this is happening one time! And we have ten more years of me doing it the normal way before we may or may not... 


J: [crosstalk] Or if we somehow get a person to mars...

H: Yeah.

J: Um, I.. So, Hank I don't know about you, but I just experienced one the great wonders of the heavens. 

H: It was pretty good. I also did, yes.

J: And what are you referring to because uh, I think you might be reffering to the solar eclips. 

H: I was correct.

J: I was referring to how it feels when you look directly up into the sky and rain falls into your eye.

H: [Laughing] I looked directly up into the sky and a lot of photons from the sun fell directly into my eye. Um, because

I am that guy who is like "But-- I-- if you look at it for just a second it's okay." Uh..

J: Uh, well, I don't want to get into that-- I-- talk about dubious advice.

H: [Laughing]

J: Hank's dubious advice: Stare directly at the sun. If you look for a little bit, it's fine.

H: It's true! I mean, it's true. If you look for a little bit, it's fine. Um, and I-- I-- I uh, also had eclipse glasses and I went to the office and we had doughnuts and everybody had a good time looking at the eclipse and-- The thing that I was, I-- I-- was most surprised by, I think this is the closest I've ever gotten to a full eclipse. I was-- about ninety percent of the sun was ecluded in Missula and, uh, it got cold!

J: Yeah.

H: Like people went inside  to get their hoodies!

J: Yeah.--

H: [crosstalk] It went from being like, like...

J: --Well we had ninety seven percent, here in Indianpolise.

H: Oh, wow! Wow.

J: Um, but, I would say, about eighty percent cloud cover. The great thing though about our eclipse is that I kind of enjoy a mostly cloudy eclipse. Uh, because it sort of came in and out of view.

H: Mhmm

J: And, uh, the moment after we were able to enjoy ninety-seven percent, um, of the sun not being visible... it did begin to rain huge drops directly into my open eyes.

H: [Laughing] Yeah, those glasses on, John! For protection!

J: I know, I made a horrible mistake. Um, Hank, can we answer some questions from our listeners?

H: Well, John, since you started out the podcast, uh, I guess it's on me to do the poem for the day.

J: Oh, good!

H: Um, so I've got uh, um, uh, a poem-- short poem-- this is actually an excerpt from a longer poem. Um:

"Turn around,
Every now and then, I get a little bit lonely
And you're never coming 'round
Turn around,
Every now and then, I get a little bit tired
Of listening to the sound of my tears
Turn around,
Every now and then, I get a little bit nervous
That the best of all the years have gone by
Turn around
Every now and then, I get a little bit terrified
And then I see the look in your eyes
Turn around, bright eyes
But, every now and then, I fall appart
Turn around, bright eyes
Every now and then,

I fall apart"

J: I mean... there has never been a better time to quote the lyrics to Total Eclipse of the Heart. Um, but also, I would like to remind you that you cannot again, this goes for everyone, quote the lyrics to Total Eclipse of the Heart until the next total eclipse--

H: [crosstalk] Oh my goodness... So is there..

J: --graces the United States of America.

H: Is-- It's just Bonnie Tyler... A, like-- like-- b-- What's it called? Bonnie-- So its--

J: A black out.

H: Yeah, so it's just like a Bonnie Tyler black out for--

J: [crosstalk] It's a Bonnie Tyler black out--

H: --the next 2000 days.

J:  --for the next 2000 days, that's exactly right. Hank we've gotta get to the questions from our listeners.

 

J: This first one is about, uh, the sky above us. It comes to us from Brianna, who writes:

"Dear John and Hank,
How much of the sky can I see when I'm standing in a relatively flat part of the earth. I realized the other day that my brain just assumed I had a 180 degree view, but that can't possibly be true. I went to art school and haven't done trigonometry in eight years. Can you please help me figure this out so my brain doesn't explode?
Signed, cosigned, and tangents,
Brianna."

H: Oooooh! Signed, cosigned, and-- I like that because I thought it was gonna say "Sine'd, Brianna", but instead it said "Signed, cosigned, and tange--" Okay John, do you have a good answer for this one? Because, I have an actual answer for it.

J: Uh, I mean... I...  I... You do have a good answer?

H: I have an actual answer.

J: Oh..

H: I loo-- I looked it up.

J: My assumption has always been that, um, you can see 180 degrees of the sky. Like, you can see half the earth's sky. But, I did realize while reading the question that this is not something I've thought very hard about. So, give me the actual answer.

H: Well so, the sitch is that the.. so-- so, we're going to assume that you're standing on a-- a like uh, perfectly flat spot and the-- on the earth's surface. Which would probably would be... on a... like standing on a canoe in the middle of the ocean. So that's the--

J: Or you could just go to Indiana.

H: [Laughs] Or you could just go to Indiana, um, where they're like just after the corn harvest. Um, and, yeah so what you're gonna see is... uh, what it's gonna look like, uh, fifty percent sky

and earth. If you look-- look around you. But, because the earth curves away from you, and the sky does not, there is actually more sky than there is earth. And by earth I don't mean dirt, I mean planet. 

J: [crosstalk] Wait, so you see most of the sky?

H: So you're seeing most, you're seeing, like, more than 50% of-- of your like... if you did like a, uh, you know 360 degree, uh, picture with a 360 degr-- de-- degree camera more than 50% of the picture would be sky.

J: So, does that mean, Hank, that when I look at the sky from Indiana, I am looking at literally most of the sky?

H: You are looking at most of the sky. Yes.

J: Wow!

H: Uh, I mean, pro-- prob-- like if you're really on a flat spot. If you ge-- like, the closer you get to the ground, the worse it is. So if you're like on top of like a building, you can definitely see mostly sky-- uh, or most of the sky, and also mostly sky, both of those things. Um, if you're on a plane you see, like... 53% of what you see is sky, uh, and like 47% is-- is land or ground or earth or whatever you call that.

J:  Wow.

H: So but-- but if you're just standing-- if you're like a 5'6" person, you probably see about like, gonna be like 50.04 or 50.03% of what you see is sky, but you will be-- and also-- but you will seeing most... I-- will you be seeing most of the sky? I don't know if that's actually true. I don't know if--

J: You know what Hank, I-- I think that that is metaphorically resonant so I'm going to stop you right there.

H: --that you will be seeing is most of the sky. But you will see-- will be seeing mostly sky.

J: And we're-- you can see most of the sky, Brianna. You can see-- In fact you can see almost all of the sky.

H: [Laughing]

J: If you just-- If you're just standing up high and you've got-- you've got good posture, you can see almost all of the sky. That came directly from Hank.

 

H: And now, we've got another question. It comes from Amber, who asks:

"Dear Hank and John,
While the 2016 Project For Awesome was going on, I bought a mystery pack and got

An Imperial Aflliction which I was super excited about so I just started reading it and I have noticed that the entire book except for the very last page is the same few paragraphs, but in a different order. Am I just-- uh, I'm-- I'm just wandering if this is a mistake? I love my copy and if its a mistake that's totally cool, but I was just curious what actually happens in the story. So, if it is a mistake could you please tell me?
Thank you very much,
Amber"

J: Okay, Amber, um.. I remember when I got interviewed by NPR about this. Um, like right when the book came out, the NPR guy was like, "Ha-- Uh, have you talked to Peter Van Houten about what you said about him in the book?"

H: [Laughing]

J: And it was just before we went on air, thankfully. And I was like--

H: Yeah.

J: --"Okay, well no. Because Peter Van Houten is someone I made up and An Im-- and An Imperial Affliction is a book that does not exist." Um... I really like books inside of books because--

H: Yeah.

J: --they can be better th-- than real books. I mean the great--

H: Sure, sure

J: --thing about a, um... a book that doesn't exist is that it can be infinitely good; whereas, books that do exist have all of the problems and insufficiencies of having been created by actual humans. So, when I wanted to write about like, you know, that one book that you love... or, in my case there were a couple books that I loved in high school, I decided to make the book up. And then when they were going to make a movie of it they called me one day... the producer people called me and they said "We need to make An Imperal Affliction and we're using, uh, we're working with this amazing graphics team who did work on the-- on Harry Potter stuff and they made a great cover, here's the cover" and I thought the cover was amazing and then they were like "But we need words inside the book, uh, that Hazel can highlight. So we need you include like these quotes from An Im-- uh... The Fault In Our Stars version of An Imperial Affliction, but also write at least like four or five pages that seem legible." Uh, so that's what I did. I wrote like five pages and then they just mixed and matched those five pages over and over and over again in the prop