Hello and welcome to Hankgames Without Hank. My name is John Green - in a stunning turn of events, it's raining in England! I'm the manager of the AFC Wimbledon Wimbly Womblys, coming off a tough loss - no other way to say it - uh... No, yeah, it was brutal.

(0:12) Um, we played awful and we embarrassed ourselves. And afterwards I was starting to scream at the team, when Bald John Green and Other John Green both went absolutely nuts, particularly at our defenders. And then that's a Moura was screaming back at him - and- in some ways it was bad, because you never like to see fights, um, you know, in the locker room.

(0:34) They never- they never got physical or anything, but Bald John Green and Other John Green - they've both had kind of- they've had good seasons but tough seasons... Um, you know, and um- they haven't been connecting as well as they usually do. And um, I really felt it that day, because they were kind of sniping at each other, and that's a Moura and Ozéia - the two Brazilian center backs - um, felt like they had been really hard-done by my management.

(1:00) And as you can see right there, we're tied on points with Barnsley, ahead only on goal difference. That's all that's standing between second and third. Second is an automatic promotion spot, third isn't...

(1:10) So anyway... I mean, I was discouraged by the fight, because you don't like to see guys screaming at each other. And like, I didn't know what to do as a manager. Like, in the end, I just kind of let them talk to each other. But I was encouraged by it, in a sense that it's clear- there's clearly a lot of passion. You don't have to worry about whether these guys want to win the game, you know. You don't have to worry about whether they care. They care! They care a lot! This matters to them. They desperately want to win, and they know-

(1:36) I mean look, it's really hard because we are exhausted. We're not- because we had- we played in Europe... I mean, we traveled to Rome. And we've been playing two games a week, and a lot of games- we have an unusually thin squad, even for league one, we have a thin squad. So I think that's gotta have a lot to do with our difficulties. And the truth is, it's gonna be a hard- what I said to them finally was like, listen guys, this is- the end of the season is going to be challenging. That's just a fact.

(2:06) Get it! Less Moore! Ohhhh. Golly gee! Um. I'm mad! Yeah, I think the end of the season was always going to be hard for a club - get there, get there! Oh, Bald John Green. He wanted it so bad- Bald John Green! No. Disappointment. There's ya Bamba. He doesn't get to the ball, lets it scoot out of bounds.

(2:26) It was always going to be difficult for us. Like, we were always gonna kind of need a- a few points, a few extra points going into the end of the season if we were going to be playing on world class skill level. And I knew that, because like- teams- the teams that don't play in Europe, that don't have deep Cup runs, that don't win the John Stones Paint Trophy- they just- they're more rested, you know. They're more- they have more time and energy and everything. And I knew we were going to be in for it. And yeah, now we are! Now we are!

(2:59) By the way, how'd the movie do? Because you know! I'm from the past. But you're from the future! In your world, the movie has like, come out. And it has either done well or poorly. I hope it did okay! There was- a Tom Cruise movie came out that weekend too, so I don't think it came in first, but- hopefully it came in like a nice, solid, happy second. Huh? Maybe? I don't know. Let me know! Let me know how it did! Now I'm very nervous thinking about this future in which the movie has happened.

(3:27) I was supposed to talk about fashion today! And I will get there. But maybe not till the second half. So um- the last thing I wanna say about the Wimbly Womblys situation is that ya Bamba has emerged as a real leader in the clubhouse. Particularly with the young guys. He has really taken them under his wing.

(3:47) He- you know, he's had an interesting life. He's a first generation citizen of the UK, whose family immigrated from Western Africa. And he is a really, really smart, interesting guy, and he also does not take any crap. And I think that the young players really respect that. I think that they- they kind of look to him as someone who is honest with them, and says, you know, you have potential, you are very good at this game. But this game doesn't care about potential, it cares about results. And um, I've really come to admire him.

(4:23) And he was finally the one who kind of got between the Brazilians and Bald John Green and Other John Green and said, you know, we're gonna fight for this as a club and this isn't going to be easy. It was never going to be easy. You know, we were in league two last year and three years before that, we weren't in the football league. And nine years before that, we didn't exist. Um, you know. Like, we were just being formed.

(4:48) So let's be patient. Let's be patient with ourselves and with each other, and let's go out there, you know, loving each other instead of angry at each other. And I thought that was the exact the right tone to take, and I took him aside afterwards. I said that I admired him a lot and that I was going to give him a raise, because I think he needs a new contract. So I've just tried to sign him to a new contract. I don't know how he's going to respond yet, but hopefully he'll be happy. I gave him a big raise! Triple the salary.

(5:15) Um... So, yeah. Someone asked me to talk about fashion. And you know me, I got a fantastic sense of fashion! I don't think there's anybody in the world who's gonna question me when it comes to the big issues... Like my fashion sense.

(5:30) But um- oh, my God. We're just- we're really struggling (laughs). It's like I'm- it's like our players have lead feet. Which, probably they do, 'cause you can see their- yeah. I mean, Kaz. Look, Kaz is exhausted already, it's the first half.

(5:45) Um. But uh. It was mostly- they wanted me to talk about my fashion faux pas. So I've had- you know like, I've had a number of occasions recently where I've had to wear like, a suit or whatever. And I only owned one suit until very recently. I think I've told this story before in a Wimbly Wombly video, haven't I, Meredith? About my one suit?

(6:08) So somebody posted a Tumblr post um, that showed me on like, every TV show or event that I went to, and that I was always wearing the same suit. And they called it like- like, the- um, the tagline was like "poor John Green's suit - it's been so overused". And it was like - you could slowly see the suit become kind of less and less new over the year.

(6:32) And uh, a publicist at Penguin who works with me, Elyse Marshall, who's just an amazing person, sent me that post and she was like "you really need a new suit". So I went and I bought a couple new suits, but even so, I am still- just a terribly unfashionable person.

(6:49) I once did a pretty big speech, um, to- I have a really bad habit of not buttoning my shirts the right way. Like, you know, like buttoning- for those of you who aren't- who don't wear a lot of button-down shirts, um... You can mess up the buttons so that, you know, they're off-sync or whatever. And then- and when that happens, when the buttons get off-sync - God, we are really struggling here - when the buttons get off-sync, you- it's very bad. It's very, very bad because the collar- it just doesn't line up right.

(7:23) I once gave a speech to twelve hundred people with the buttons un-synced, and then of course there was the moment, classic moment in my life, where I was giving a speech to a bunch of high-school students in maybe 2008...

(7:33) It was one of those situations- early in the kind of Nerdfighter- um, the Nerdfighter community, I would go speak at schools, and two people would be incredibly excited, because they were Nerdfighters, and they would be so, so excited that I had come to their school, and 798 people would be like "who the hell is this noodle? This grapefruit? This schmerg?" And uh, it was just... It was great to talk to those two Nerdfighters, but then the other people- I'm not very good at talking to people and convincing them to like me. I sucked at it in middle school and I suck at it now. So it would just be brutal.

(8:12) I'm gonna make some substitutions because our team is flat-legged. Especially in the mid-field. And we've gotta try to win this game, because we are good enough to win it. Kaz - it's heroic. It's heroic that you stayed out there as long as you did, but you don't get to play anymore. Now it's Hells Pells' turn.

(8:28) B Arthur, you are also coming along for the ride. I'm just gonna start calling him B Arthur. Do you think that's okay, Meredith? Meredith loves it. I love it too! Meredith and I, once again on the same page. She's such a great assistant coach!

(8:41) Alright. Three substitutions at one time, just like the pros do it, in the fifty-sixth minute. Ohhh, well it was a nice run for all three o' yas, but you don't get to play anymore. We're bringing on new people!

(8:52) Um, anyway, I gave a speech to like, 800 students in San Francisco, and they were really into it! It was so much better than my usual speeches, where the 798 people would stare blankly at me. They were constantly giggling and laughing, and they just seemed to be having a great time. And every time I made even the smallest joke, they would all burst out laughing, and I was just so pleased with myself.

(9:10) And then I'd spoke for like thirty minutes and then it was time for questions. So I said "are there any questions?" and fully- 800 hands rose at once! And I was like, "I knew it man, I knew it, I am so good at this job!" And I was really- oh, pass, pass! Just- ohhh! Anything but that!

(9:29) Um, I was so pleased with myself, and I called on someone, and they said... Meredith, do you know what they said? They said John, uh, "Mr Green, do you know that your fly is down?" But it wasn't down! I feel like that's an inaccurate description of what it was. It wasn't down. It was open. It was open. It was out. My fly was like- it was wide- it was a gaping chasm of openness. Like, you could see everything about my underwear! It was just an amazingly open fly. An impossibly- get it, get it, get it, get it- ohhhh! Are you kidding me?! Hells Pells! You're better than that! Here comes on Grimes.

(10:05) Alright. It's B Arthur with a great opportunity... She's an elderly lady! No. (pause) That was a terrible idea for a shot, but is it gonna work out?! Ooooooooooooooh! Ya ya ya ya- I started way too high! Way too high, way too high. I can do better than that.

(10:24) (sings) Ya ya ya ya ya Bamba! Ya ya ya ya ya Bamba just scored a goal, just scored a goal, just scored a goal! Yaaa yaaa Bamba! Ch-ch-ch-ch. Yaaa yaaa Bamba! Ya ya ya ya ya ya Bamba! (talks) It's a beautiful goal from a beautiful man.

(10:48) I was just talking about how he's the new- like, the newest kind of de-facto leader of our club. Obviously the John Greens are the John Greens and they always will be, but like- uh, ya Bamba has just emerged as the kind of guy you want in the clubhouse!

(11:01) Like, he's not- the funny thing is, he's a 56 skill level! Like, he's our worst player who plays regularly. But he's also our best player who plays regularly - other than the John Greens. So I'm- I'm just blown away by him. He's all courage, he's all heart. He captures everything I love about the Wimbly Womblys and he bleeds Wimbly Wombly blue, and that's really important.

(11:22) Um, so yeah. I've had some fashion faux pas, um, over the years. A lot of- you know, wrongly buttoned shirts. My best fashion faux pas though, came in third grade, I think, when I um... I wore a matching OP. You remember OP, the brand? Probably you don't, because you're- yeah, you were born after they went- after they became defunct. Unless they're still a thing, which would be great!

(11:42) Anyway. I wore this neon blue and white stripes- and then the white stripes had kind of a neon yellow squiggle running through them. And I was in third grade and I knew I was going ask Jennifer Keane to be my girlfriend that day, so I wore my very best matching OP outfit.

(12:00) And it turns out that my matching OP outfit, which was not inexpensive at J C Penny, and was like, my big one outfit that I got each year for the start of school. Um, it turns out that it wasn't- it wasn't cool. It was actually super, super nerdy and lots and lots of people made fun of me about it. 'Cause it was the first time I'd worn it, 'cause it was such a special and important day. And then I was so- I was like- I'd lost all my confidence by the time it- when it came to execute my plan to ask Jennifer Keane to be my girlfriend.

(12:29) But! She still said yes! She still said yes. She dumped me later, but she said yes initially. That's right! It was so sweet. I remember walking with her in the triangle in school. It's one of my very first truly narrative memories. And um, asking if she had a boyfriend, you know, as you do when you're talking to an eight-year-old. And um, she said no. And, you know, I made my big move and she said yes. And it was pretty magical. Pretty wonderful. Lasted for about a week.

(13:01) Unlike the memory of this victory, which will last for all time! We did it, ladies and gentlemen! We did it. One-nil up over AFC Wimbledon - nope, we ARE AFC Wimbledon. Over Bury. We buried Bury. I wonder if that pun has ever been made before in the history of their football club. Thank you for watching! Best wishes.