Hello and welcome to hankgames without Hank. My name is John Green, I'm the manager of the AFC Wimbledon Wimbly Womblys who today are taking on Watford in the FA Cup. It's very exciting. In a stunning turn of events it's raining in England.
 
Today's topic is a little bit unusual. Meredith and I had a Twitter conversation yesterday about... Well anyway, let me first bring you up to date on the FA Cup situation. We're, you know, we're playing in the FA Cup. We're playing against Watford. It's my friend Craig's favorite team. They were a Championship side for a long time, they almost went out of business, then they were bought by an Italian family that also owns Udinese. I know, my Italian so good. How good is my Italian, Meredith? She's over there, she's saying "So good". And, yeah. So who do we got... And then we got to bring you up to date on the squad, of course. But they were in the Championship for a long time, now they're in the Premier League. They're having an amazingly good season in the Premier League. They beat Liverpool, but then again who hasn't?

There's Bald John Green, JJ's daddy. Oh, he's beautiful. He's just giving some hand shakes. He's saying, he's saying "Have a good game everybody". In the back we've got Shea LaBeouf, our... He's, he's... Brilliant actor and a wonderful goalkeeper. Up top we've got T. S. Eliot, Bald John Green. We've got the Golden Child 2.0, Reevesy. There was a good name for Reeves, what was it? Hold on. Still getting used to my nicknames, I got a list here. Oh yeah, yeah. Jeanu Reeves. That was it. Jeanu Reeves, our... Another brilliant actor and player. I like to think of him as the Golden Child 2.0. For me he's everything the Gaulden Child wasn't which is to say that he lives up to expectations, but he's also small and blonde just like the Gaulden Child. We've got an incredibly thin squad, I'm not going to lie to you, but I'm going to do my best to win this game because the FA Cup is important to our future as a club.

Anyway. So yesterday Meredith tweeted "I just cleaned my dishwasher for the first time in my life". I don't know, I'm gonna be... I'm not, I'm never as good on Twitter as Meredith is, but basically it was like "I just cleaned my dishwasher for the first time ever". And I responded to this news by saying "I had no idea that you were supposed to clean your dishwasher."

That was a nice save by Shea LaBeouf in that situation. He didn't actually make the save but he scared the Watford player into missing the goal. By the way, I am very sick in case, I'm sure you can hear that. I apologize for my husky voice. On the other hand, you're welcome.

So Meredith was like "I just cleaned my dishwasher. I've never cleaned it before" and then I... I mean, I was genuinely surprised. It never even crossed my mind to clean a dishwasher because it seems to me to be one of those appliances that gets cleaner every time you use it. The same is also true, of course, of, like, a coffee maker because...

Oh no! What have we done!? Meredith, panic! What is happening!? Ah! What happened? Woah! Panic! Oh God! How did I not give up a goal in that situation? That was one of the worst things that's ever happened to me in my whole life! Forget about what's happened in FIFA, that was one of the worst things that's happened to me as a person. Oh man, I'm just so glad that's over.

And now we've got Jeanu Reeves on the ball! Jeanu Reeves! Passing it to his friend Riggsy! The Riggs Boson! A previously unknown particle! Deep to Akinfenwa! No! Oh. Oh boy, that was exciting but it didn't work out. But we do have a corner kick. Let's have Francombstein take it. He's a doctor. He's precise, he has a gift for precision. Nope. Oh! You know what I love in that situation? I love a lot about this. I love a lot ab... Oh! Take it! Take it! Reevesy! Oh. That's tough. That's tough, but I like the way the Golden Child 2.0 played in that situation. We'll call him the real Golden Child, that's who he is after all. That's good, that's good. Now cut back. Now pass. Now shoot! Reevesy! No. Alright.

Anyway. That made me think about things that get cleaner every time you use them. Like a coffee maker, for instance, because everybody knows that, like, coffee is so acidic that it cleans the coffee maker as it makes the coffee. So, like, I would argue that, like, a ten year old coffee maker that's never been cleaned is significantly cleaner than a brand new coffee maker. Then you've got... What was the other one, the other example you had, Meredith? A shower. And that's of course obvious because, you know, you're in the shower getting it clean with your body. And the soap, you know, like, there's just soap and shampoo everywhere and the shower gets cleaner over time. I'm a big believer in that.

I remember when Sarah and I started dating, she, when she came to my house for the first time, she was just, she was absolutely horrified by the overall state of affairs. She was especially horrified by, like, my, my bed, 'cause at the time I kind of, I kind of... By the way, the ground is getting a bit soggy, it's messing up my, my long distance passing. She... Anyway, she'd noticed that I had taken this gets cleaner the longer you use it approach with my comforter which probably is not one of those things that gets cleaner the longer you use it. But... And also, also with towels. I, for many years, maintained that towels only become cleaner with use due to the fact that...

Oh! Oh, that's a great, that's a great take down! Oh! We couldn't get it between the line. He's still on the ball! Oh! God! Oh, it was so close. T. S. Eliot, England's greatest lyric poet. Oh! It just couldn't get the right touch. I've got to cough, hold on. (Coughs) Oh God, it hurts. Alright. Score a goal from here, guys. Score a goal! Ah! Back! Back to them! Back to Francombstein, he's going back in the box! Mmm. Disappointing finish. Oh, I just feel terrible.

Yeah. So it made me think about, like, what are other examples of things that... How do I use set piece tactics? Run far post. Yeah, absolutely. Let's try a far post run. That's too much, too much on that, I think. A little too much on the kick right there, Francombsteiny.

So, I... Anyway, I was thinking about other things that maybe get cleaner the the longer you use them, and in general then I was thinking about, like, cleanliness and whether or not it... How much does it really matter? And the answer is a lot. Like it's probably one of the reasons I'm so sick right now is 'cause I never clean my dishwasher. I spent all this time sanitizing my hands but I haven't been sanitizing my dishes!

Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh. Panic. Panic. Raw, blind panic! Oh no! Watford in the box! Watford in the box sounds like a... I don't know, it sounds weird. Sounds like the name of a, like a psychedelic rock album or something.

Yeah. So I think, I want to, like, give a message to my 22 year old self who would, you know, periodically, you know, in the course of a romantic relationship invite people over to my, my apartment, or even, like, I remember I used to, I used to have my boss over to my apartment. She must have been horrified!

Get there! Oh! Oh. What? What happened? What was, what rule was violated? JJ's Daddy, did you break... Oh. Look at that great, look at that DFTBA image bouncing up and down on Bald John Green! Bouncity-bouncity-bouncity-bouncity! That was gold. That's GIFable, or GIFable depending on your world view.

Yeah. So now I'm thinking that, like, Meredith, Meredith has it all right with the cleaning the dishwasher and the not, not relying on appliances and towels and et cetera to self clean. Look at Bald John Green running to the corner. And then he's gonna cut back, then he's gonna get a little ball in. You... It's too deep for T. S. Eliot! Or is it!? Ah! Ah! This is frustrating. We do not need a replay with our thin, thin squad, but you've got to say, AFC Wimbledon has been winning this game and that's a surprise in and of itself. We're a League 2 squad but what we have that you can't buy is 1) heart, and 2) really good strikers which you can, I guess you can buy. I guess those are for sale. But we've got two really good strikers in the form of Bald John Green... Oh-oh. Yowzers. That's not a good cross, Watford. You're better than that. In the form of Bald John Green and Adebayo Akinfenwa, the man who needs no nickname.

Speaking of which, it's time to bring on Adebayo Akinfenwa, don't you think, Meredith? This game is screaming out for... And I know that you guys do not like it when I play our Montserratian international, Lyle Taylor, out of position but I'm going to do it and I'll explain why. We don't have any central midfielders so I don't have a choice. Do you see my choices on the bench? Do you want me to play Young MacDonald had a farm in midfield? He's a goalkeeper. Do you want me to play Adebayo Azeez? He's tired. Do you want me to play Meadesy? A) he's a left back, B) he's tired. Do you want me to play Lockyer? He's a central defender. Do you want me to play Harrison? He's terrible and he's a defender. So I don't have any choices. Speaking of which, I think I've got to play Harrison in midfield. Just kidding, I'm going to play Lockyer. He's gonna, he's gonna drift back as he is want to do. But I don't think I have any other choices. OK. Three substitutions all at once to change the game, just like the pros do.

Oh man. Aaron Carroll, the host of Healthcare Triage, youtube.com/healthcaretriage, never not promo-ing, is over recording some Healthcare Triage episodes, then he's gonna come look at my lungs, or I guess listen to them. Hopefully he won't look at them. Who's that guy on the bench with the terrible hair? He's gonna get fired. Look at... You know what I love about Lyle Taylor, Meredith? No matter how cold it is or how warm it is, he's wearing short sleeves and two gloves. By the way, I have to say this is not, it turns out, just a FIFA thing. I have seen an increasing number of actual professional footballers also wearing this ridiculous...

Don't try to, don't try to out-muscle Adebayo Akinfenwa! It will not work! Oh! Bald John Green! You just needed better positioning in that situation! So, I have seen an increasing number of actual professional footballers also doing this insane "I wear two gloves and short sleeves" business. John Green! Oh!

You know, Meredith, it's just occurred to me after many years of doing this but it's a little weird that I named both of the forwards after myself and then I scream my own name when I'm playing. Like, does that sound weird or at this point does it just sound normal? What a great track back by John Green! And then he tries to open space up! Oh! For Akinfenwa but Akinfenwa, despite being the strongest man in FIFA is not the paciest. Alright, here we go. I would argue that was my throw in but whatever.

But yeah. It's like, I don't know. When I think about it, it's pretty rare for somebody to shout their own name, first name and last name, on a frequent basis. Like, like in my... Outside of my FIFA playing in my whole life I've never really been in a situ... Oh no! Panic! Oh! Pass it out of the back! Nope. Alright, I hit the X-button in panic. I usually, I wanted to pass it out of the back but I didn't have the courage. Oh man, things are getting tense here for the Wimbly Womblys, there's no doubt about it. Watford is a meaningful opponent.

Oh no. Oh no. Oh no! I tried to pass it... Oh! Thank God. Way to shoot it into the side netting guy with two gloves. Is this, I wonder if this is a thing not only in football but, like, maybe in all of England, people are walking around wearing short sleeved shirts and two gloves? I don't understand it but, you know, I also don't feel like I can judge it. Who am I to judge?

Oh, get on the inside of that ball! Ah! Mmm. Mmm, not great passing. What we have here is a desperation. Oh! That's a great ball! That was, that was the Golden Child. That was the Golden Child! The Golden Child and John Green! John Green can't finish! Akinfenwa! Oh, it's saved again! It's ridiculous! The Watford keeper is made of super glue! Oh! He's like Gumby! That's a reference that nobody in, nobody in the Wimbly Wombly audience will get but, you know, that's alright. Meredith liked it.

This is bad. This is bad, guys. It's the 86th minute, we're looking, we're looking at a scoreless tie leading to a replay which would be a disaster. Oh no! Really not a good job by Shea LaBeouf in that situation. Oh! But look who's on the ball! Look who it is! It's Lockyer! You said I shouldn't start him! To Akinfenwa! Finish! Yeah! Oh! Oh! Oh! How!? God! (Coughs) Who hurt me into coughing? Alessandro Diamanti, a good example of what happens when you have Italian owners. My God, that guy has beautiful hair. I wonder if he's for sale?

Alright. That was probably, that was the chance of the game. Our central defender-cum-midfielder Lockyer opens the game up, gets the ball to Bald John Green. Bald John Green gets it beautifully, you have to say, to Akinfenwa who, who is our best, our best finisher, our most clinical striker, and yet who... Wow. We almost just gave up the game. And yet who somehow, somehow does not score.

And so it ends nil-nil. JJ's daddy wearing his DFTBA shorts. Disappointed, but look, we do get a replay, just another fixture in a very crowded fixture list. I'm starting to get stressed out about this situation. But you know what? On the other hand, at least I clean my towels now. Thanks for watching, best wishes.