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A guest appearance from our friend the Giant Squidstravaganza begins our podcast. We discuss alergies, China, and getting mugged before a smaller more intimate and very exciting show in Cleveland at The Agora theater!

 Intro (00:00)

Hank: We're in the lobby at the Detroit hotel. We're getting ready to start day, what is it, four?  Of Tour Because Awesome. And this will be our third show.  But this is the fourth day of the podcast, so I guess it's the third day of the tour, and we're headed to Cleveland, that is accurate, I'm glad I got that right.

Katherine: Are we ready to check out? Should we get the car?

Hank: We checked out?

Mike: Get the ca'.

Hank: We're gonna get the car, we're gonna go to the bank, gotta make sure we don't have a lot of cash in the car, 'cause then it'd be really bad if we got mugged.

Katherine: Don't talk about the cash on the podcast!

Mike: Don't talk about the cash!

Hank: (laughs) All the podcast listeners, they're all muggers.

Andrew: They'll know all of our whereabouts two days from now.

Hank: Yeah, and no one knew before that bands make money when they sell things, that is carried around in cash. That's why we go to the bank. That's why we go to the bank. (they laugh)

Mike: Don't tell them--

Hank: No one trusts you guys.

Mike: that we keep it in the catalytic converter.

Hank: Yeah. I can't even find the cash in the van, how could a thief? I know where it is. Yeah. It's well-hidden. It's in our van safe which is guarded by Iron Man.

Mike: Spare tire compartment. (Hank laughs)

(intro music)

Hank: Hello this is Hank Green of the Podcast Because Awesome, today we're gonna have a special guest do our intro for us. This is Giant Squidstravaganza. Can you intro the podcast?

Giant Squidstravaganza: Hello, I'm the Giant Squidstravaganza and you're listening to the Podcast Because Awesome. Four: Hank Green woke up in a hotel room. Hank Green likes to sleep with a noise machine on.  I peeked in his room and he was cuddled up in his bed like a fetus inside of a womb. Squids are born in eggs and we don't have a womb, but I imagine a womb is a lot like being inside a little egg and you're a squid, tiny little baby giant squid, soaking up nutrients from the egg plasmas and then your birth, and Hank Green was birthed out of his hotel bed. He turned off the noise machine and went out into the world to propagate his message of unity and squid justice.

 Tour-mugged (2:55)

(music plays)

Hank: I see that Paul and Joe bring the saxophones in every night

Mike: Yeah.

Hank: I just figure like--

Paul: That's just the most expensive thing I own.

Mike: Oh really?

Hank: (laughs) That's just the most expensive thing he owns. So yeah.

Katherine: The laptop?

Hank: The saxophone that I keep almost breaking.

Mike: Is there a good system for bands? Who go on tour and have a thing full of cash, and go places and feel safe?

Hank: No. That's why you gotta go to the bank.

Mike: Best case scenario is you play in bands that don't make money (all laugh) and then you don't have to worry about it.

Katherine: Go on tour and don't make money.

Hank: Have you ever been tour-mugged, Sam?

Sam: uhm, not really per-se. The first time we played in New York, me and Matt got mugged, but that had nothing to do with the band.

Hank: (laughs) Just a regular mugging.

Sam: It wasn't a regular mugging, we got mugged by a man and a woman.

Hank: Oh, it was a diverse mugging

Sam: Well we had uh-- it was our first time in New York ever and we were in Manhattan and Craig and the person we were staying with and a couple other people went back to Brooklyn and we were like "well, we're in Manhattan, we gotta hang out." We had tried to get on the bus to go South easier and they were like "well we only take exact change" well we don't have that. So this couple comes up and they're like, "hey, do you have exact, we need exact change for the bus" We're like "We got a couple quarters, that just happened to us" and this guy's like "Imma make this real easy."

Hank: Did he say "Imma make this real easy."

Sam: Yeah!

Tessa (?): Oh, that's like a classic mugging story.

Sam: I was with the woman--

Tessa: Batman comes in.

Sam: The woman, about this tall, and Matt was with this huge dude. The lady was like "gimme your wallet, gimme your wallet!" I was like "I'm not gonna give you me wallet, I'll give you my cash, though." (they laugh) Matt's over there, he's like emptying his pockets and he gives it to the guy and he gives him change with a guitar pick and he's like "can I have my guitar pick, man?" (they laugh) "Shut the f*** up!"

 Honest John's? and super late (5:12)

Hank: We are at Honest John's in Detroit, having breakfast. What is it?

Katherine: Honest John's?

Hank: Honest John's? It's got a question mark in it. And we just got our breakfast and we're visited, cuz I instagrammed the menu, so somebody saw from the nearby dental school and they came down to say hi and also to get breakfast. And when Joe found out they were from a dentist school, how did you feel?

Joe: Thrilled, it was like finding the marble in the oatmeal.

Hank: Finding the marble in the oatmeal? What is that?

Joe: Yeah, it's like winning a prize. you ever see the movie UHF?

Hank: Yeah.

Joe: And there's a bunch of children searching for a marble in a big sandbox full of oatmeal? That's what it felt like, when you find the marble. 

Hank: That was an obscure reference, Joe deGeorge.  Um, so he went out to get his dentistry zine from the van and gave it to them, and they told us a joke.  What do you call a tooth in a liter of water? It's a one molar solution. 


Hank: How did-- why did we start talking about that?

Katherine: I just traveled through time, man.

Paul: I was asking.

Katherine: Joe just asked.

Hank: Cuz we're late.

Katherine: When do we, when are we supposed to be at the... oh, we are totally late.

Hank: We're super late. But I heard doors were at six? So...

Mike: Are they?

Hank: That's what Sam said but he was not sure.

Mike: The natural law of big shows, you have to sit around and wait for two hours.

Hank: Yeah.

Katherine: I don't, I do not have that.

Hank: Small shows, I remember playing for like 50 people, you just show up and play.

Mike: And you play. and you're done.


Hank: Are we in Eastern time right now?

Katherine: Yes.

Hank: Okay well I have a phone call right now so I'm gonna be on a phone--

  Evening refresher and talking to China (7:05)

Craig: We're gonna miss our evening refresher at our hotel.

Hank: Is there an evening refresher?

Craig: There's an evening refresher. We get drink tickets and you get a free appetizer. 5:30-7.

Hank: Aww, man. we gotta play a show then!

Craig: Let's play real fast.

Hank: Okay, let's do it, let's just knock it out, "there was an evening refresher!"

Craig: Holiday Inn Express evening refresher happening, we gotta go!

Hank: Or you could bring us appetizers and drinks.


Craig: --population of...

Hank: So start at the beginning, why did you--

Craig: Well I was in the hotel with Rob and I said "I have to call Chyna" who is my fiance, Chyna, and then I said "not the country, I'm not gonna call the entire country of China." And then we realized, or we started thinking, well how long would it take to do that? And then, so  we came up with--

Hank: To talk to all of China? 'Cause usually, if I say like, I have a call with China, and I'm like an executive at a Fortune 500 company, that just means that I have a call with like, our division in China, with someone else in China. 

Craig: No, I'm talking about every individual person in China.  Yes.

Hank: So you did the math?

Craig: We did the math.  If you had to talk--our parameters were 20 seconds per person, I had 20 seconds to be able to talk to everyone in China, individually, and it would take around 1,000 years, no sleep, no breaks.  So, uh, but if you just said hi, it would be about 50 years, one second.  Just one second talking.

Hank: One second.  Hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi.

Craig: Yeah, Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Yeah.

Hank: Your v--you would die. 

Craig: Well--

Hank: Well, and the other problem is 50 years later, there'd be more Chinese people.

Craig: That's true.

Hank: A lot of the people you have said 'hi' to will have been died by then.

Craig: That's true.

Hank: They'll be gone.  There'll be a whole new bunch of people.

Craig: It would never end, would it? 

Hank: Well, I think it would--

Craig: The rate of my talking would--

Hank: Eventually, you'd only have to say hi like, 50,000 times a day.

Craig: Yeah. If we take into account population growth, it's probably much larger.

Hank: Yes.

Craig: Many more times.

Andrew: You have to say "hi" faster every time each new person is born.

Craig: Is that possible?

Hank: Yeah yeah. Well in China. I bet you could say "hi" to every newborn baby in China in a day. If their mothers like lined up.

Craig: Yeah. So all pregnant women have to go to one place and wait until a day. Figure out which ones are due, line them up. We can do this. I think we can do this.

Hank: Right. You just, you get them right as they're coming out.

Craig: Yeah like "Hi. Hi. Hi. Ooh, that's a gross one. Hi. oh, hi.

Hank: Man, I've seen a lot of... seen a lot of babies in my time.

 Party Blowers and blood transfusions (9:53)

Hank: I bought 80 party blowers.

Andrew: oooh, is that just for the show?

Hank: Just for this show, yeah. I'm gonna see if I can... I dunno, yeah. I mean, I'm not gonna--I don't wanna hold anything back.

(party blower noise)

Andrew: Yeah. 80 people should get party blowers tonight.

Hank: That one. That person will get a party blower that's been touched by the lips of Craig. Craig-lipped one.

Craig: Been there. Better put it back.

Hank: You're gonna get all Craig's Hepatitis. (Craig laughs) Let the record show that Craig does not have Hepatitis.

Craig: No. I've very sanitary and I had my shots. So.

Hank: What kind of diseases do you have?

Craig: I have asthma.

Hank: Asthma.

Craig: And I'm allergic to tree nuts, is that a disease? I don't know.

Hank: Uh yeah, sure.

Craig: And uh, I think that's it.

Hank: But neither are contagious conditions. So I don't have to worry about getting a tree nut allergy by blowing on that party blower.

Craig: As far as I know. Although there was a recent occurrence of someone getting a blood transfusion and uh--

Hank: I heard about that.

Craig: Did you hear about that from a WheezyWaiter video?

Hank: No.

Craig: Well then you need to watch more WheezyWaiter.

Hank: Yeah. I saw it on Reddit.

Craig: Yeah. That's where Matt saw it while I was shooting my video about tree nuts and he walked in and told me about it. Someone, someone got a blood transfusion and then became allergic to Brazil nuts.

Hank: Wow. Specifically Brazil nuts. Wow.

Katherine: Specific.

Craig: Interesting. I wonder if they got rid of it though. If they were able to--

Hank: fix them?

Craig: Which would be amazing, then they should fix me! Give me some blood!

Hank: Yeah, fix Craig. Hashtag!

Craig: My blood's allergic to nuts.

Hank: This episode is called Operation Fix Craig!

Craig. Yeah. Anyone out there who's not allergic to nuts who wants to give me all of their blood?

Hank: ALL OF IT.

Craig: Well, I need a whole body's worth.

Hank: I don't really think that's how it works.

Craig: Oh, okay. Well if I want to not be allergic. I don't know how it works.

Hank: I don't think that's how it works.

Craig: Oh, okay.

Hank: You can't just get rid of your blood, you're gonna keep making the same white blood cells you always been making no matter what.

Craig: Mmmm.

Hank: BUT apparently your blood-- the white blood cells you produce can be influenced by blood transfusion, which is weird.

Craig: That is weird.

Hank: I would not have guessed that.

Andrew: Allergies are weird though because I feel like... like if you're allergic to specifically a Brazil nut, the things that make up a Brazil nut also make up other...

Hank: But there are proteins that are unique to Brazil nuts.

Andrew: Oh, okay. Very very specific.

Hank: Yeah.

Andrew: Only Brazil nut.

Craig: What is the protein in tree nuts that I'm allergic to?

Hank: I don't know.

Craig: I would like to know.

Hank: I bet you could Google it.

Craig: I bet I could. I want to go into a bakery and not have to worry. You know?

Hank: I know. You can never really go to bakeries.

Craig: Not really.

Hank: I wanted to take you to a bakery in Missoula and you were like"I don't think so."

Craig: I walked in and I looked at it and I'm like "I don't think I can do this."

Hank: "This is a bad idea."

Craig: Yeah most-- pastries are probably the worst thing. Chocolate's okay sometimes but not always.

Hank: Ugh. I mean, just remember that 200 years ago everybody pooped in holes in the ground.

Craig: I often try to think about that.

Hank: They-- none of them had bakeries or chocolate.

Craig: Yeah, I'm not-- hey, I love my life, I'm very, I feel blessed.

Hank: They had to wear wool underpants.

Craig: Did they? Do you know that for sure?

Hank: Right on your junk.

Craig: Did they really?

Hank: Wool all the time.

Craig: I think you're making that up.

Andrew: We determined this at breakfast.

Craig: Oh, okay. It seems a little itchy.

Hank: I didn't-- We determined it, to be clear, we did not research it, we were just like "What else would they have worn?"

Craig: Right, that's what I was thinking. Cuz it seems itchy and full of static. You might get a lot of shocks down there.

Hank: Junk shocks.

Craig: Junk shocks, yeah.

Hank: That's my new band.

Craig: Jock Shocks.

Hank: It's now--

Andrew: I was gonna say Cock Shocks, yeah.

Hank: Hank Green and the Cock Shocks.

Craig: How explicit can we get in this?

Hank: It's E rating on iTunes, it's explicit, parental advisory.

Craig: Holy fuck, wow.

Hank: The first episode I did I was like "I do not have time to take out the swears and I'm not gonna not include that, it was funny."

Craig: Some of my old Wheezy videos have lots of swears. You've sworn in Vlogbrothers before.

Hank: Yeah, yeah, early vlogbrothers.  I should put warnings on those early ones.

Craig: Yeah, have you ever deleted a video?

Hank: No.  No.  But I got one taken down recently for a copyright claim. 

Craig: An old one?

Hank: But I got it reinstated. No, a new one. Like, a week after it went up.

Craig: Oh. What?

Hank: Yeah. 

Craig: That's ridiculous.

Hank: It was--it wasn't even a big company, it was a YouTuber, 'cause I stole from another YouTuber. I totally deserved it.

Craig: Oh, so they--so you totally just stole from another YouTuber?

Hank: Yeah.

Craig: Without crediting.

Hank: I did not realize. I didn't credit them at all. I thought I was posting a game glitch and it turned out I was posting someone's 3D animation.

Craig: Oh. Oh. Oops.

Andrew: That's hard work.

Craig: Oops. But then you worked it out with them?

Hank: I did, I got in touch with them. He was like "I just figured you would never have talked to me." and I was like "I'm also just a person."

 Missed conversation and hummus (14:45)

Hank: Aw man, we just had this really funny conversation, I was pointing my phone at people the whole time and I didn't record any of it.

Craig: Well, I'll have it in my memory so thank you for the conversation. Yeah, that was a really good conversation.

Hank: Aw, man, it was so good!


Hank: So on the way here we stopped at Guitar Center to get drumsticks and a cable.

Craig: Yeah

Hank: And as I was exiting the car, this small canister of hummus got stuck... to like me, and I like pushed it out and I like sat on it basically.

Craig: Wait, it was in the van?

Hank: It was in the van

Craig: Okay.

Hank: And as I was leaving I like sat on it and I managed to like open it with my butt.

Craig: (laughs) That's a talent.

Hank: And so it flies out of the van with me, I didn't get any on me, but I saw, and Katherine was like "gah, where did that hummus even come from?" cuz we already threw away one canister of hummus, but there was another one we didn't know about so it's open and it's lying on the ground and uh, and it's like sort of stormy and windy so I leaned down to pick up the hummus and the wind blows the van door closed on my head.

Craig: Oh my god!

Matt: I saw the Instagram picture.

Hank: And it gave me some stars.

Craig: Oh, there's an Instagram picture?

Hank: Yeah.  It gave me--it gave me the--it gave me the jiggly wigglies, and I had to lay down in the parking lot and I now I have lump, and if I touch my head, it hurts.

Craig: How are you feeling now? 

Hank: I'm okay.

Craig: You feel the same?

Hank: I got hit in the head with a van door, but that's alright.

Matt: All because of an errant hummus.

Hank: Yeah, it was all the hummus's fault!

Sam: Is there any hummus on your butt still?

Hank: No...

Sam: I've got this pita here.

Hank: Let the record show that Sam in fact does have pita.

Craig: He's eating pita.

Hank: Just wipe that on my butt please and--

Sam: It's remarkably clean!

Hank: I know, I didn't get any hummus on my butt at all. I managed to open the hummus, with my butt and not get any on me.

Sam: That's a remarkable story.

Hank: Well thank you.

 Grilled cheese and TNG (16:45)

Hank: Sam just told me that we're getting delivered grilled cheeses from a famous grilled cheese place in Cleveland. So that's exciting. Um and now I have to go to order. So that's -- apparently it's not just grilled cheeses, they have advanced grilled cheese. And I haven't even seen the merch area yet. This is a great room. I like it. This is more sort of my speed when I went to shows when I was a kid. A kid, a young person. It was more this size, than the places I've been in the last few weeks. Days I guess it's been, not weeks. Wow. Time to order me some grilled cheese. Hi!

Joe: I'll probably just go with the grilled cheese.

Hank: There's mac and cheese bites.

Craig: Oh, there's beef.

Hank: Just beef?

Rob: Yeah, but then it's just--

Joe: Beef, beef grilled cheeses.

Rob: But then it's just a sandwich.

Hank: That's what I'm saying. They're just sandwiches with butter.

Rob: (laughs) Then it's just a sandwich

Hank: Oh, there's a chicken and waffles grilled cheese.

Joe:  There you go. Best of both worlds, grilled cheese and chicken and waffles.

Hank: With Sriracha butter.


Andrew You are totally a Vulcan, you're so logical.

Hank: You are a Vulcan.  You even have kind of high eyebrows.

Tessa (?): That's also just... my shocked face right now.

(?): "I'm a Vulcan!?"

Andrew: Umm, yeah, what other famous TNG Vulcans are there?

Hank: Uh, there aren't a lot of Vulcans in TNG. Uh, what's the one from... T'pol? You're kinda like Ambassador T'pol, you got a little T'pol thing going on.

Katherine: Yeah, but she's a traitor.

Tessa: I would totally be a traitor though. If there's gonna be anyone in the band...

Andrew: She looks out for number one.

Hank: Yes, we are discussing which character from TNG everyone on the tour is. That is what we're doing. Nothing wrong with that.

 Origin of the music and the show (18:40)

Hank: Play me some podcast music. (plays music from the Cephalopodcast)

Hank: I can't take your podcast music for my podcast dangit. Give me some real--

Giant Squidstravaganza: It's my podcast music.

Hank: Give me some different podcast music. It doesn't have to be good, it just has to be not stolen from someone else.

Giant Squidstravaganza: From me! Why are you stealing my podcast Hank?

Hank: (laugh) That's exactly what I'm trying to --

Giant Squidstravaganza: Give it back! You humans, you just take everything squids.

Rob: One two three. One. Two. And three. Four. Five. Six. Alright.

Hank: Oh, it's to late. Keys it is.

Paul: Okay (piano plays)


Hank: The show has begun, obviously you can hear it. Andrew Huang's on stage right now singing about show -- where the noms are. The crowd here in Cleveland has been fantastic, I think it's gonna be a really great show, I'm really excited about it. I can't wait to get up there on stage.


Hank: Andrew Huang. Where's Andrew Huang at? We gotta go on stage, Andrew Huang.

Rob: -- are over there, by the way.

Hank: You, stop check your e-mail right now. We lost Rob. We lost Rob!

Andrew: I was downloading 8-bit sound samples.

Mike: Everybody get off tinder and go places.

Hank: (laughing) Everybody get off tinder. That's what we've been doing, swiping all up Cleveland. Swipe all those Clevelanders. Oh yes, setlists are a good idea.

Rob: Top one's mine cuz it says "Do the sax solo dammit" on it.

Hank: Do the Sax solo, don't forget.

Rob: Alright, who's got the motivational speech?

Andrew: Alright, Rob, I need you to just go out there and distract everybody so we can run this awesome play. Paul, you're good. Hank, throw really far.

Hank: That's not gonna happen.

Andrew: Joe, sax machine it up.

Joe: I thought-- I actually thought you were th -- a 'play' as in theater production.

Andrew: Oooooooooooooh.

Paul: Yeah, in which case--

Andrew: I mean I was going football and then -- (all laugh)

Rob: "why would I distract from a play? Distract everyone so you can do a play?"

(all laugh)

Andrew: Goop on three. 1, 2, 3,

All: GOOP!


[Crowd chanting "encore!"]

Hank: This never is not weird. They want an encore!

Paul: Are you ready?

Hank: They like it!

Joe: Let's give them the encore.

Paul: Before they go away.

Hank: Oh, they're going faster!

Rob: We gotta go before they tap out!

Hank: Okay, I gotta tap out. [crowd cheers]


Hank: Show is over. Andrew just confirmed, how do you feel about Cleveland?

Andrew: (mouth full) Cleveland rocks!

Hank: Cleveland rocks, I've heard that before.

Andrew: I'm eating an apple, that's why I sounded like that.

Hank: (squeaky) Cleveland rocks! uhm, I mean obviously the other crowds have all been fantastic and like -- but when musicians are like 'You were an especially great crowd', I always thought that that was just BS. 

Mike: No, this was a --

Hank: But like, there is a difference. I, like --

Mike: Cleveland was like a whole new world.

Hank: There's just way more screaming, way more dancing, like everybody was going. Which assisted in me using my voice again. But they didn't seem to mind. I can't believe we're not gonna do this forever.

Mike: Only 8 days.

Hank: It seems like my life now. Only three days in and it seems like, "This is what I do for a living. I will never do another thing."

Person: Thanks you guys!

Hank: Thanks! Great to meet you. You want to shake and hug?

Person: I had a great show. It was a lot of fun.

Hank: Good. Thanks. Good.

Person: It was nice meeting all of you.

Mike: It does feel like every week is a month.

Hank: Every week is a month, is that the tour. Uhm, I haven't done more than two weeks in a really long time so. I don't really know.

Mike: Yeah. After two weeks you're like "I have a life that I forgot about. I'm gonna go back to that life."

Sam: Are you talking about doing Pilates?

(they laugh)


Hank: This has been the Podcast Because Awesome, coming to you from Cleveland Ohio where our show was fantastic. The story of Andrew Huang, Rob Scallon, Harry and the Potters, Driftless Pony Club and Hank Green and the Perfect Strangers touring around America just a little bit. Thanks for listening, if you want to leave a rating on iTunes, apparently that's a thing. DFTBA