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In which John reveals more about Bald John Green's injury, and reveals the true nature of the John Greens' relationship. Also included is a story about Henry.
Hello and welcome to Hank Games without Hank. It’s me, your host, John Green. I have terrible news. There is no easy way to tell you about this, but, uh, amid the terrible news, as usual, is glorious news. So, uh, as you can see, Other John Green is up front, number eleven, but Bald John Green, number nine, he won’t be starting. In fact his whole season – I can hardly say the words – is in doubt. Uh, he has picked up a serious injury, he is out at least forty days and possibly more. Why forty? I don’t know. Maybe the computer recognized the biblical, almost biblical significance of this, uh, of this injury. So Bald John Green is out, possibly for the entire season. We are of course, uh, devastated for him and, uh, for his family but rest assured that Swindon Town will be paying his wages throughout his convalescence and that we are gravely concerned about him. Um, we don’t even know the kind of injury, only that it was severe and that he will be out forty days at the minimum.

Um, we’re playing Sheffield Wednesday. We are still in shock from this news, uh, but, but perhaps more importantly, from the revelations that, uh, that came out in the wake of the seriousness of Bald John Green’s injury. Um, I am referring, of course, to those of you who are, are not aware of this situation, to the first, uh, same sex marriage in the history of, uh, professional soccer. So, um, if you haven’t been watching the headlines you perhaps don’t know, hold on. Oh. Can’t count on that guy to score, he’s not a scorer. So – I should have passed it to Stone Cold Cteve with the C Austin – um, Other John Green was devastated after the game against Wigan Athletic despite scoring two goals, he was, um, he was, you know, when talking to reporters he was clearly very upset and, uh, he eventually explained why, um, which answers the long standing question of why Other John Green’s jersey says J. Bennett when we all know, and indeed the, uh, the computer knows that he is, uh, John Green. The answer to that is that, as John Green revealed, he decided to take his spouse’s name. And he decided to just score a goal. He loves it when I talk about him! It’s Other John Green née Bennett. There he is going down the side-lines, Other John Green née Bennett.

He revealed that he and Bald John Green, uh, were married two years ago, uh, they just celebrated their second anniversary a couple weeks back and that, uh, they have been, uh, uh, living together ever since – they did not live together before marriage – but they, uh, they have lived together ever since. And, um, and live very happily together and of course it’s devastating when your, when your spouse is, uh, injured in such a way as, uh, as Bald John Green was. So, uh, so Other John Green used to be J. Bennett but now he is of course J. Green. Uh, in the discussion of who was gonna take whose name, that’s of course very complicated regardless of whether you’re, uh, marriage involves people of one sex or two, but, uh, in the end J. Bennett just really wanted to, uh, to take – Oh great goal from Stone Cold Cteve with the C Austin – J. Bennett just really wanted to take, uh, John Green’s name and so he did. So he is Other John Green and Bald John Green and they are married, living together in eternal, in eternal harmony, let us hope, let us hope that there are no marital problems as that would be very bad for the Swoodilypoopers. We need both these guys on the team focused, results focused.

But it is not only the first example of, um, of, of a player, an active player in a major sport, uh, coming out as gay, but also certainly the first example of, uh, of a, of a marriage between two, uh, two players, um, but we’re really proud of, uh, Other John Green and Bald John Green for coming out, telling us who they are – great goal. Look at the, you know their just, he’s, he’s, he’s himself. He’s playing like himself. He’s playing like a man who knows who he is and, and is willing to, to share it with the world and I’m proud of him.

Hold on, I’m getting a phone call. Hi, you’re live on Hank Games. Hi. You wanna say hello to the, uh. It just came out, by the way, that John Green and John Green are married. OH MY GOSH! Other John Green with a first half hat-trick Sarah, how do you like them apples. In thirty-five minutes he’s scored a hat-trick. Can it be for any reason other than that it came out that he and Bald John Green who, by the way, has a season ending injury, are married. Isn’t that great? Like when you finally, like, reveal yourself for who you are, when you’re honest with the people in your life and the people you love, you just find that you do everything better and, and that includes playing football. So proud of these guys. Uh, can I call you back in a minute? Alright. Bye. Hold on, I had to hang up the phone, so, yeah. I want to thank, thank my wife for calling in during Hank Games.

Oh, it’s Other John Green. This is getting ridiculous. It’s almost embarrassing. Four first half goals for Other John Green. I mean I’m just so, this is just astonishing. Sheffield Wednesday are saying ‘Oh my gosh. This guy, he is a serious threat to our ability to continue playing football in the Championship.’ I love him. I love him. You’ll remember, of course, that Sheffield Wednesday beat, uh, beat the Swoodilypoopers for the Championship, for the League One title, uh, they were the winners of League One. We came in second and as such we’re, uh – I don’t even know who this is. But he’s a goal scorer. I know that. It’s Parry Parry! Parry Parry the goal scorer. Wonderful goal from Parry Parry. Congratulations to Parry Parry on his first goal as a member of the Swindon Town Swoodilypoopers, one of our recent transfer pickups. Parry Parry. He’s so Parry.

Um, just an outstanding first half performance from the Swoodilypoopers. I mean, we are up six-nil. I’m going to have to go up a skill level, I’m going to have to become professional because – I don’t want to say this team is better without Bald John Green because of course we aren’t, you know. We play with heavy hearts today and, and, and we will for the rest of the season without him. But obviously, obviously we, you know, we can overcome and, and we’ve shown that so I’m just so proud of the guys. What? What? What? That was, yeah. I mean a little bit of an unnecessary slide tackle, I wouldn’t get too upset with me there.

Coming into the end of the first half and I’m not kidding you, it’s six to nothing. Fat Lucas just had his first save and it wasn’t even difficult. Fat Lucas hasn’t even been necessary this game. In fact, I may, is it possible? I’m gonna see. I’m gonna see. I may, I may go ahead and substitute Fat Lucas. Team management. I’d like to manage my squad. Yeah, I’d like to change, I’d like to change Fat Lucas with Stone Cold Cteve with the… I cannot substitute an outfield player for a goalkeeper. Disagree. I want D. Lucas... Hmm. Can I, do I have another goalkeeper? I’m gonna put in P. Smith and then can I put, then can I D. Lucas in? No. Huh. Well I don’t want to take D. Lucas out certainly. Sorry, I know this video is going to be long anyway.

What should I tell you as a story to make you happy? Uh, Oh, I have a cute Henry story, I’ll tell you a cute Henry story. Um, boy. Just, just an amazing performance from the guys. So, uh, so here’s a Henry story. Um, first off Henry’s gotten really into the signing, not that he’s doing any of the signing himself. A lot of people have been asked me, have asked me if Henry could sign. I’m gonna need you Fat Lucas, I’m gonna need you bad. Oh Fat Lucas that was not your best work. So, um, then again Sheffield Wednesday, you are down six to one. Uh, Fat Lucas might have, might have gotten his feelings hurt because I wanted to substitute him and make him a striker. I just love the idea of Fat Lucas scoring a goal. Um, so anyway, Henry’s gotten really into the signing, like, he loves to watch me sign and he knows all the major words involved in signing including, uh, sign and he takes, he can’t, the only, the only saving grace of this entire process, for those of you who don’t know, I’m signing my name one hundred and fifty thousand times, um, right now. The only, the, the, the greatest part about this whole process has been, um, that Henry cannot open Sharpies, because if he could open Sharpies he would be a) covered in markers and b) our entire house would be covered in Sharpie marks which are permanent.

Um, uh, Other John Green. He just felt like four goals was not enough. I mean I can’t even keep track, is it four or five? I don’t know. The guy can’t be stopped. He’s just, uh. Five goals. Five goals for Other John Green. Today he plays for his husband, Bald John Green. So proud of these guys, just a dominant performance from the Swoodilypoopers. Sure Fat Lucas gave up a goal, but it was almost because he felt bad for Sheffield Wednesday. So, um, so Henry can’t open Sharpies, thank goodness, um, but somehow yesterday morning, uh, I was signing for a while and he was just playing, you know, in, in the signing room – that, that room used to have a different name but I can’t remember what it was – um, so he was just playing in the signing room and, um, and he, he looked up at me suddenly and his face was covered in adorable Sharpie marks. Like, he’d clearly, like, drawn on himself, around his nose, almost like he was trying to draw, like, cat whiskers on his bo… on his face. But, um, but, you know, really bad baby drawn cat, cat whiskers. It was just adorable. And then, um, he said, uh, ‘iPod!’ And I was just like ‘what?’ And he said ‘iPod!’ And I was like ‘What? What do you mean iPod?’ And then he, um, he reached into the trash and pulled out my iPod and I said ‘Henry, why, why was that iPod in the trash?’ and he said ‘iPod!’ Stone Cold Cteve with the C Austin just dominant, dominant performance from the Swoodilypoopers. Um, so I don’t know if Sarah threw away my iPod and then Henry rescued it, or if Henry threw away my iPod and then rescued it himself, which seems likely. What! It’s now a crime to, if I, if I want to tackle two players at once, there’s something wrong with that? Disagree. Respectful disagreement. That’s just, that’s high quality tackling right there. So, um, anyway, he saved my iPod and turned into a cat. That was my story about Henry.

Um, he’s learning lots of new words though, it’s a lot of fun to be around a kid when they’re, when they’re just learning to acquire language because, you know, they don’t know exactly what they’re saying, um, but they’re really excited to say it. So, for instance, Henry can’t really say the word ‘playground’, but he loves playgrounds so he’s developed a word for play, playground which is like ‘alapagook’ and he’ll say that word over and over and over again with great excitement. That was, that was, B. Stock trying to score a goal. Um, his first name of course is Beef. Um, So Beef Stock held up short there. Parry Parry did get a goal today. Um, we’re gonna try to get some goals for some unusual players, maybe Lalalalalalalalalana. He’s, he’s, he’s on a good run right now. Um, you can’t stop Lalalalalalalalalana. Oh he scored! French de Lalalalalalalalalana! I’ve been waiting to do that French de Lalalalalalalalalana. I’ve been wanting to get that guy a goal for, like, eight games so I could say French de Lalalalalalalalalana. Yay! Everything’s coming up Swoodilypoopers. We are at risk of scoring ten goals in this game friends. We definitely need to go up a skill level. We’re gonna have to be professionals because we are too good for semi-pro. Aww yeah. Although then again, I mean it’s hard to know if it’s really the quality of, of the team right now or if it’s just the way that Other John Green is just playing inhumanly well. In! How, oh, how did he not score there? Oh that must have been Stone Cold Cteve with the C Austin because I’ll tell you what, Other John Green puts that in the back of the net ten times out of ten.

Umm, but he is, I mean he’s learning lots of, he’s, like, he, he knows the word for airplane and he, uh, I mean, I guess it’s obvious that, like, kids here better than we do, but Henry will say airplane and I’ll be like ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about, there’s no airplane’ and like thirty seconds later an airplane will fly overhead and I’m, either he can see into the future, which is possible, he is very talented, or, um, or he has really good hearing. Probably he has really good hearing, but maybe he’s clairvoyant. I don’t know, do I, do I want a kid with such a complicated gift, perhaps not. Um, my defense have played pretty poorly in this game actually. Um, we don’t have a very good defense, we really rely on offensive output. I’d like to get that tenth goal, you know, just for, um, just for the benefit… Oh look at that great, great through pass. Stone Cold Cteve with the C Austin lays it off. Not a good layoff. Not a good layoff. I’ve seen, I, I wanted to get, I’m not gonna lie, I wanted to get Other John Green the double hat-trick. It doesn’t look like it’s gonna happen.

Looks like we’re gonna win nine to one. Not a bad performance for the Swoodilypoopers, not a bad performance at all. Proud of the guys, proud of Bald John Green and Other John Green for letting us know the truth behind their story and… Is he? Is he? No, he’s not. Um, and, uh, it’s really been a, been a pleasure to play this game against Sheffield Wednesday which we won nine to one. I promise I’ll go up… Wow! Look at that score line. John Green, Stone Cold Cteve Austin, John Green, John Green, John Green, Parry Parry, John Green, Stone Cold Cteve Austin and French the Lalalalalalalalalana. Thank you guys for watching Hank Games. Tell me what to talk about next and as always, best wishes.