Hank: Hello and welcome to Dear Hank and John!

John: Or as I prefer to think of it, Dear John and Hank.

H: It's a podcast where two brothers answer your questions, give you dubious advice, and bring you all the week's news from both Mars and AFC Wimbledon. John,

J: Yeah.

H: What was it, what was my joke, I had it before, I

J: Oh my god

H: laughing

J: I'll tell ya, little bit of behind the scenes for you all

H: I got it, I got it

J: When Hank does the intro to the podcast, about 60% of the time, I can actually hear the moment when he realizes he has not prepared a Dad joke for me

H: I have one, I just forgot it

J: I'd like to tell you, I'd like to tell you what the moment is. The moment is, he says "Hello and well Dear Hank and John, a podcast where we review different - nope that's my podcast - A podcast where we answer your questions, provide dubious advice, and bring you all the week's news from both Mars AND AFC Wimbledon." And it is in the moment before the and, every week, between Mars and AND, is the moment where's like "Oh right, a Dad joke".

H: A quarter of the time, it's like a quarter of the time. Anyway, John why does the toilet paper roll downhill?

J: Why?

H: It always rolls downhill because it just wants to get to the bottom. 

J: Mhm, I'm really glad you prepared that one in advance. 

H: I, I, I want to simplify, I feel like I've been trying too hard. I wanted to be more Dad jokey. I was just like - yeah.

J: Yeah I know what you mean., I, I, I agree that, I agree that some of the setups lately have been convoluted. I think that was an example of not trying quite hard enough, I think there's a, there's a middle somewhere where there's a joke to the joke. But it isn't -

H: Do you want - Do you want an alt? I have me, I have an alt this week, see I'm double prepared.

J: I don't - I definitely don't. What I want is for you to take that alt and have it ready next week, when we do the -

J: -intro to the podcast.

H: It's like 25% of the time that I forget. You overestimate it, I'm working very hard. 

J: And I appreciate it, I know that it is not easy to find these Dad jokes on the internet, which, the internet, to the extent that is a, is a useful tool for humans - it is mostly a way of having GPS and a repository of Dad jokes. Those are the two primary functions of the internet. 

H: It's very good at that. 

Hanks computer: Alert

H: Woah. 

J: You alright there?

H: My computer just made a loud noise.

J: I don't like that noise.

H: That's the noise that means you have a meeting in one hour, so let's get going John - you want to answer some questions from our listenerers.

J: Let's answer some questions from our listeners, beginning with this one from Samantha, who writes "Dear John and Hank, I am currently reading the New York Times bestseller The Anthropocene Reviewed by critically acclaimed author John Green" - Thank you Samantha, It's a great first sentence to a question. - "I'm on the chapter about sunsets and the question I have is: I you wanted to continuously see the sunset, how fast would you have to travel? Sunsets and salamanders, Samantha."

H: Uhhh, depnds on where you are. 

J: That's true. Because if you're at the equator

H: Yeah

J: I believe it's about a thousand miles an hour

H: Yes but the

J: But, correct me if I'm wrong here Hank, if you're at the north pole and it's the right time of year, it's zero miles per hour.

H: Yeah you just stand there. Because basically what you're talking about here is you want to be moving as fast as the Earth is going, so you're like, counteracting the spin of the Earth by walking or - hah walking - a thousand miles an hour in the opposite direction.

J: Yeah

H: Uh and uh like but the Earth spins at different speeds at different places because the Earth has different circumferences at different places. So if you imagine the widest part of the circumference of the Earth is the equator and then it's thinner as you go to the top until, functionally, mathematically, the Earth has zero circumference at the very tip. So if you are just standing there then you are just sort of spinning in place. 

J: Right 

H: Math!

J: 

John: That's, I mean, that's-

Hank: Earth Math!

John: But, if you were at the North Pole, you couldn't continuously see the sunset, right? Because at some point, like, the seasons will change and it'll start - it'll be the part of the year-

Hank: Yeah

John: -where it's dark all the time. So if you want to continuously see the sunset, I think your best bet is to go 1000 miles an hour at the equator for the rest of your life.

Hank: Right. And then, and by continuously, you mean until you die, I assume, Samantha, there's not like a-

John: Yeah.

Hank: If you wanted to see the sunset for like 6 hours, that would be a whole lot easier.

John: Yeah, but I love the idea of becoming a billionaire, you know, like working really hard to become a billionaire. And then instead of having your crazy billionaire project that doesn't help anybody but you be the ones that have been picked so far, you pick us your crazy-billionaire-project-that-doesn't-benefit-anyone-except-for-you-though project, of spending the rest of your life continuously watching a sunset. So there are all these refueling planes that have to like dock with your plane-

Hank: Yeah

John: -cuz you're on this constant 1000 mile an hour travel around the equator, they've got to like, you know like cancel all the flights that are going to like come through yours cuz you're going Mach 1.4 or whatever. Like you're in a hurry to keep this sunset going.

Hank: Yeah.

John: And that's just that's how Samantha lives out the last 40 years of her life.

Hank: I was trying to figure out if there's like a space station place where you could do this, but there's not really sunsets if you're not on Earth.

John: No.

Hank: And in fact your plane I think would have to be fairly low to sort of get the full sunset effect.

John: Yeah, you're right. You would lose the vibe if you got too high up.

Hank: Yeah

John: There is an orbital sunrise, which is actually what I wrote the last episode of the Anthropocene Reviewed about. If you want to listen to that episode of the podcast, an orbital sunrise happens every 90 minutes on the International Space Station. So every time the space station orbits Earth, the Sun rises. Or, you know, they experience - the sun is rising from behind Earth's crust, which is exceptionally beautiful.

John: And the first artwork ever made in space was made by the cosmonaut Alexei Leonov, and it was uh, it was a drawing of that experience of seeing an orbital sunrise. But I don't think it's - it doesn't look anything like a Earth sunset.

Hank: Yes, different because you don't get the clouds! That's the best part!

John: Yeah, I mean, it's the atmosphere that makes a sunset. And that makes so much else.

Hank: [laughs] All the yeah, all the oh man, that little - that just thin wisp of vapor makes everything possible.
Uh, Speaking of which, John, I want to ask you a question about mosquitoes.

John: Good. I hate them.

Hank: From Jen, from Jen and Maddox, who asked Dear Hank and John. We just got out of a car full of mosquitoes. Well, that sounds bad.

John: Yeah, I don't like it.

Hank: I wasn't too surprised when they were flying around and attacking us while we were parked, but when we got onto the highway and we were going like 70mph, they're just casually flying around the car! What's going on? Those mosquitoes find 70 miles an hour blood, Meals on Wheels. -Jenn and Maddox.

John: [laughs]

Hank: I'm a little perplexed by what Jenn thought - what Jenn and Maddox thought was gonna happen. Like were the mosquitoes just going to get pushed back against the back wall of the car and stay there? Like-

John: Yeah, like the G forces were going to be so high that they were just gonna be like thrown into the trunk.

Hank: Yeah.

John: No.

Hank: Well, so like I've been trying to figure out how to explain how to, like, communicate effectively what's actually happening here, which is that like - and uh I haven't run up against a great way yet. So John, imagine it this way. What if instead of being full of air, you imagine the car as being full of jello and your car starts going and the jello does like maybe push back a little bit? Into the back of the car, but it's Jello, so mostly it just pushes forward and then like, you know it - may be a little bit harder to get your car going 'cause it was full of this massive, uh, delicious strawberry delight.

Hank: But you're - but like you're traveling 70 miles an hour and the jello - the back wall of your car has pushed the jello forward along with the car. That's what happened except the jello isn't jello, it's air.

John: Yeah, which is why if you'd roll down the windows, the mosquitoes would have had a very different experience at 70 miles an hour, because-

Hank: Yeah, it would have been a turbulent situation for that.

John: Yeah! You would have at that point, had them interacting with air, that on some level is going 70 miles an hour now-

Hank: Yes

John: -because of the way that like cars work now, you don't necessarily feel all of that inside the cabin, but like when-

Hank: Yeah, what you need-

John: Yeah

Hank: -is to roll down the the windshield, and the back windshield-

John: Yes.

Hank: And then-

John: [laughs]

Hank: You will not have any mosquitoes in your car. 

John: That's how you solve the problem. You roll down the windshield and the back windshield. Um-

Hank: Yeah, you will not have any mosquitoes - you will have some mosquitoes in your teeth,

John: Yeah

Hank: But not in the car.

John: Yeah, yeah, you basically need to be traveling in a dune buggy-

Hank: [laughs]

John: -this is your first error - is to attempt to de-mosquito your car instead of just selling the car, covered in mosquitoes because it's over-

Hank: Yeah

John: -for that car and buying a dune buggy, which is the best way to get around town - an electric dune buggy - everybody says that's the future.

Hank: At 70 miles an hour, it's very safe.

John: Hank, since we're answering a lot of questions about physics which is certainly my area of expertise, just ask my high school physics teacher.

Hank: Uh oh

John: Umm, I want to ask this question from Elliot who writes - and I do not know the answer to this question, spoiler alert. 
Elliot writes dear John and Hank, I am 5. Well, First off, Elliott. Very impressive, just that.

Hank: [laughs]

John: Rarely do we get emails from 5 year olds that contain anything but gibberish.

Hank: Yep

John: I am 5, and I have a question.

Hank: Yeah

John: Why does the solar system spin? From, Elliot. Great sign off Elliot.

Hank: I love it.

John: That's the most underrated sign off: "From".

Hank: Yeah, you don't see [it] that much.

John: No, it had a moment, yeah.

Hank: He's just like, I just wanted you to know-

John: Because the emails generally start out like: "To: so and so", "From Elliot".

Hank: Yeah

John: Yeah

Hank: It's in there already.

John: Hank? Why does the solar system spin?

Hank: Yes, well, you said you had an idea, why don't you give me yours.

John: OK, Elliot, here's my guess: gravity.

Hank: Uh---? I mean, yeah, sure.

John: I did it, Elliot. It's gravity. It's essentially-

Hank: That's - there's two components.

John: Ah Dang it.

Hank: Gravity is one of them.

John: Is the other one like - isn't there a large black hole at the center of the Milky Way Galaxy? That the whole Milky Way is kind of rotating around.

Hank: Yeah

John: And we're kind of rotating around it because it's a big gravitational center

Hank: Mm hm

John: And, uh... but why are we spinning Elliott? Why are we - why are we rotating?

Hank: What would happen if we weren't?

John: Uh, we would get sucked into that black hole?

Hank: Yes

John: [overlapping] Would that be-

Hank: So what has happened to everything that's not spinning?

John: It already got sucked into that black hole.

Hank: There it is.

John: OK, Elliot, so we're spinning because we haven't yet been sucked into a gigantic black hole.

Hank: [laughs] No not yet! Not at all. We won't. It won't happen. We are spending so-

John: Oh, thank God.

Hank: [laughs]

John: It's great news for Elliot and for me.

Hank: So like - so there is - so back to the solar system. Analogously, the sun would be the black hole in our solar system.

Hank: Instead, if you were thinking of the galaxy, then you've got that, that sort of center of mass, the center of mass. So the sun is there, but it's not there as like a thing for us to spin around? We all as a solar system, we have uh, collect - like everything in the solar system has a shared center of mass, and that center of mass is inside of the sun. And wiggles around a little bit as the planets go by, but mostly it's the exact center of the sun. Like over a, you know a significantly long period if you average it out, it's the center of the Sun. So, umm-

John: Yeah, I mean, we're explaining this to a 5 year old, Hank-

Hank: [laughs]

John: -so you don't have to get distracted by like whether or not it's like 6 inches to the left of the exact center of this

Hank: I did that!

John: Elliot, we're all spinning around the very center of the sun.

Hank: We're yeah, and the sun is spinning around the very center of the Sun. But there were things in the solar system that were - had a direction, so they had momentum in a direction and those things, uh they did knock into each other and that would change their momentum. But a lot of that stuff just kept on going in that direction. But is - is sort of being drawn constantly toward the sun, but is also headed in a direction. So there is a direction that it's going and a direction that it's being pulled. And when those things cancel out into a nice circle, uh, then you have - or ellipse - then you have something orbiting something else. That's how basically we are constantly falling into the sun, but we're going so fast that we miss it.

John: OK, I feel like we had Elliot and then we lost him. And when I say we had Elliot, I mean we had me.

Hank: [laughs] OK, John, I will explain it like you and Elliot are both 5. Um-

John: OK

Hank: It's spinning because it's always been spinning, so there's nothing there to slow us down, uh in space, and so we keep on spinning because we were spinning when it started out and we're still spinning even today.

John: Unfortunately, Elliot, we weren't spinning when it started out.

Hank: We were!

John: But no, not at the very beginning. We - this planet was not orbiting a sun, and that sun was not part of a galaxy for quite a while, actually, and so-

Hank: [overlapping] Oh, sure. At the very, very beginning, right, yeah.
So since the beginning of the solar system, it's just been a spinning [overlapping](?) spinning stuff.

John: For a long time, for a long time we have been spinning around a center of gravity which is near the center of the sun.
And for a long time, the galaxy has been spinning around the center of the galaxy, which is near the center of the galaxy.

Hank: Well, it is the center of the Galaxy. It's near the center of a supermassive black hole.

John: It is near the center of a supermassive black hole. We did it, sort of.

Hank: [laughs]

John: Elliott, please let us know how we did, from Hank and John.

Hank: I don't feel like we did great and we did much better with the jello in the car. That, I felt like it made sense.

John: Yeah. Can we answer a question that's not about science, please?

Hank: Yes, this one's from Rosa who asks, Dear Hank and John, should Hagrid's 3 headed dog Fluffy have had three names since he had three heads. Is it a he? I've always thought Fluffy was a she for some reason. Is he three dogs or one dog? I only have one head and that one's name is Rosa.

John: Rosa, congratulations on - in the vast geography of all of human imagination, finding the one hill that I am ready to die on.

Hank: Oh wow, alright. I'm excited about this because I don't have very strong opinions. Well, I guess I do. I'm not - I'm thinking about it. But you go first.

John: 3 heads

Hank: Uh huh?

John: Three minds

Hank: Yeah!

John: Three dogs?

Hank: Yeah

John: Fluffy is not a dog. Fluffy is 1/3 of the three dogs that were protecting the philosopher's stone.

Hank: Oh~ So Hagrid only had one pet and the other two dogs was not his pet.

John: No, I'm saying that Hagrid, and I don't mean to disparage him, but Hagrid failed to acknowledge the fundamental reality that he had three pet dogs that shared one set of legs.

Hank: Yeah, and also shared one name. Or was there just one of the dogs named Fluffy? Is that what you're saying?

John: No! You gotta have three names if you have three dogs.

Hank: Oh, I agree with you. But in this like mess-up that Hagrid did, did he name one of the dogs Fluffy? Or did he accidentally-

John: No, he wrongly imagined his pet. He wrongly understood what was happening.

Hank: I agree with you. John, what are the other dogs' names?

John: I think Buffy and Ruffy.

Hank: Buffy and Ruffy? Neither of them are named Manhole? Really?

John: Stop trying to make pets named Manhole happen. It's not good! It's not good! It's not as good as you think it is.

Hank: [laughs]

John: It's not, it's not great.

Hank: What about Fluffy and Flaffy and Flooffy?

John: Nah, I like Ruffy. I've always liked Ruffy as a dog name 'cause they do make kind of a - they ruff?

Hank: They ruff a ittle bit?

John: They're like Ruff, Ruff, Ruff, Ruff.

Hank: That's one of the noises, yeah.

John: You know, I mean my all time favorite dog name is Willie - it's the name of my dog because, as the veterinarian said to me once, you call him Willie 'cause he's Willie, Willie cute.

Hank: Oh my God! [laughs] 

John: And I was like that is - that's a great name. Umm, but I'm also very fond of extremely dignified dog names, you know?

John: Like if you name your dog after, like, a Roman emperor.

Hank: Yeah, I could see that sometimes.

John: Umm

Hank: The thing about Fluffy is not only the - was Fluffy 3 dogs? Fluffy was not Fluffy! Fluffy was a, short haired - shiny, short haired dog, at least(?) in the movie. it's not Fluffy at all! It's very weird, Hagrid.

John: Yeah, for sure. But to me, like, that's a little pedantic. 

Hank: [laughs]

John: Whereas-

Hank: True. [overlapping] If you do whatever you want, yeah

John: Creature has three minds - it is 3 creatures.

Hank: Uh huh

John: Like what makes us us is a mind, and what makes a dog a dog is its mind.

Hank: I'm thinking: Fluffy, Pancake and Scooter.

John: Why didn't you mention - why didn't you say pancake before? Pancake is a phenomenally good dog name.

Hank: What about Pancake, Waffle and Fluffy? If you like that so much.

John: No, I don't want to go too heavy on breakfast and if we do go heavy on breakfast, I'd want to go. A little more obscure, like French toast.

Hank: Or like omelette.

John: Omelette is not bad, but you always want to be a little more specific, you know-

Hank: Ham and cheese omelet.

John: -so like, right, or I was thinking a little more like vegetarian. Like a, like rampant spinach omelet,

Hank: [overlapping] And it can be called Rampy.(?)

John: -fluffy pancake, and rampant spinach omelet.

Hank: Now I want this dog to have more heads!

John: [laughs]

Hank: Not enough heads!

John: Uh!

Hank: Well, I mean, I don't actually know how 3 headed dogs work, but I feel like you're right.

John: I don't want to read too much into this, Hank, but I think, I think what makes a person a person is their mind-

Hank: Agreed.

John: -not, the four legs. And so Fluffy has to be three dogs.

Hank: Fluffy is 3 dogs, I'm there with you John. Uh, do you have another question for me?

John: Yes, this is from Jesse, who writes dear John and Hank, at the start of Covid, one thing became clear to me, which is that I don't have any idea how soap works.

John: I blindly trust it, and I'm a bit of a neat freak. But what the heck is soap? Hand sanitizer, alcohol, that makes a little bit of sense to me, but I'm still not even sure what that is. Don't burst my sanitized bubble, but does soap work? Not messy, Jesse.

Hank: [laughs] Yeah, soap super works. Soap is so good.

John: Oh it's the best.

Hank: Soap is way better than hand sanitizer, even. It's great.

John: Yeah, it's incredible. What a discovery.

Hank: I mean, yeah, well and it's been around for a long time, but more than like the - this discovery, like the discovery of its own power. It's amazing how you can have a technology and not realize how powerful it is for a long, long time.

John: Yeah, yeah, like we knew that soap made things better, but we didn't necessarily have the best understanding of why, but now that we've got a pretty good idea of it, it's incredible!

Hank: So good. It's goo- it's so good!
Um, yeah, and so soap is - the basic idea is that there are two - there are things that are soluble in water, and there are things that aren't. And soap is very good - and water is good at dissolving away the things that are soluble in water, but soap is good at helping water dissolve away the things that are not soluble in water. And it also like makes water like wetter? Like it - like water - you have noticed this about water, like you pour it into a cup and then it like - it's that bubble on top? Water is really good at sticking to itself, and so that can actually make it - 'cause it's so busy sticking to itself, it can be worse at sticking to other things.
So soap actually gets in between the water molecules a little bit and it says: stop sticking to yourself so much, let's stick to other stuff.
And then - and that makes it much - like water is much more effective at washing things away. You will notice this, especially if you have something that's not water soluble on your hands, like butter or peanut butter. Um like greasy stuff that just water will not do it.

Hank: But the moment you put some soap on your hands it's like, oh there it went away.
But that is also true of lots of little things that are kind of hydrophobic, or just water soluble, and like water gets better at being wet when it has a bunch of soap in it.

John: And that, in turn, allows the water to wash away dirt and viruses and bacteria and other stuff that you don't want on your hands or other parts of your body

Hank: Mm hmm
[overlapping]
If you've written in Sharpie all over your face-

John: Yes, yeah, it speaks, in fact, to how effective soap is that it is able to-

Hank: Yeah

John: -help water remove sharpie.

Hank: [laughs] Yeah

John: Because it is not easy to remove Sharpie without soap, I can tell you.

Hank: [laughs] It's amazing

John: This like-

Hank: After project for awesome I will go - it would be like - it's like 3 in the morning, I go inside and I just like soap the Sharpie off my face so that my wife doesn't have to wake up to like Hank covered in Sharpie.[laughs]  

John: Yeah, that is scary. That would be a frightening thing to wake up to. So in summary, the soap is an extremely effective technology. It is actually better at cleaning our hands and our bodies than even hand sanitizer is. It's amazing.

Hank: Mm hmm

John: I am very thankful for it and we're not just saying that because our mom owns a goat soap-making company - she doesn't anymore, actually, she got out of the goat soap making business-

Hank: Yeah

John: -so now we are truly disinterested observers who are no longer being funded by big soap.

Hank: Which reminds me, John, that this podcast isn't brought to you by big Soap, it's brought to you by little soap. Little soap! It's like, it's like big soap, but like way more chill-

John: Yeah

Hank: -and they're really in favor of people doing it however they want to do the soap thing.

John: Little soap. That's the future. Today's podcast is also, of course, brought to you by a Nissan Sentra full of Jello. A Nissan Sentra full of Jello!

John: Uh mostly a thought experiment.

Hank: [laughing] I hope so. This podcast is also brought to you by Samantha Sunset chasing space plane. The sunset never goes down, when you are Samantha, the billionaire and a space plane.
God, when you're a billionaire, ask yourself this question.
Does this disproportionately benefit me and people like me, or does it disproportionately benefit the people who are not like me? And then use that answer to guide your choices. I just - I know that very few of the people listening to our podcast are billionaires-

Hank: [laughs] 

John: I understand that we have never done well with the billionaire demographic.
But I just - ask yourself that question, just - just ask yourself that question. Today's podcast is - I'm sorry I didn't mean to go on a rant - today's podcast is also brought to you by naming your pets manhole. It's a terrible idea.

Hank: [laughs]

John: Don't do it! I should say - I feel like we should say that that's a reference to an old podcast episode, so people don't think-

Hank: Very old

John: -that like you just invented the idea of naming your pet manhole. Umm-

Hank: They all know about manhole, John! Nobody - we have no new listeners.

John: We do!

Hank: We don't grow

John: [overlapping] We do! First off, we do. Secondly, we have new listeners all the time. I'm constantly shocked by the number of new listeners we have.

Hank: Uh [sighs]

John: And thank you new listeners for listening. I appreciate you. Hank doesn't even acknowledge your existence.

Hank: [laughs] Sorry. John, what were we doing? Oh, this is a project for awesome message. It's from Kayla (?) to Sam and Regina Rodriguez.
Thank you for accepting me when I came out to you. It means a lot to me to know that the people who have been by my side for so long and that I have always been happy to be there for, are still going to stay by me as I begin my newest journey, as I transition.
You were the best found family a trans girl could ask for. My eternal love to you. Aw, it's lovely.

John: That's very sweet Kayla. Thanks for donating to the Project for Awesome-

Hank: Yeah!

John: -and thanks for being awesome.
Hank, let's answer a couple more questions before we get to the all important news from Mars and AFC Wimbledon, beginning with this question from Martha who writes Dear John and Hank, why do speedometers on most cars go so far past, even like the Texas speed limits? What are the chances that I'll be in a situation where I will have to drive 180 mph?

Hank: [laughs] 

John: Not an old lady, Martha. 
I don't associate the name Martha with old ladies, I have to say.

Hank: Uh....? [high-pitched, like an ambulance siren]

John: I know a lot of young Martha's.

Hank: I know some young Martha's too. I feel like Martha-

John: Yeah

Hank: -maybe it's making a comeback. Uh, so here's the thing I didn't know, that I found out while researching this question.
A lot of car manufacturers use the same speedometer no matter what car it gets put into. So they have these like fancier, faster luxury cars that are like, part of the whole thing is you're not going to drive it at 180 miles an hour but you could.

John: Mm hmm

Hank: They will put that they have that in there, just in case I guess you're going down a hill and you really don't care about your own life, or the rules that you could do that. And then they put that also in the other cars that are cheaper and definitely not capable of going over 110.

John: Hmm! But do they do it so that you feel like your car is powerful and capable of great things, even though you would never call upon it? Like it must be some kind of psychological trick, right?

Hank: I - yeah, I don't know. Like, I feel like with a fancier car, you'd like, wanna feel like it.
And also there's sort of like, I feel like if I was driving at like 80 miles an hour and my speedometer was almost near the end?

John: Yeah

Hank: Of where it could go? Like that might stress me out a little bit, like I kind of want it to be up near the top when I'm going at max speed rather than all the way down to the bottom.