Dr. Lindsey Doe: I'm Dr. Lindsey Doe, and this is Sexplanations. Our episode today is sponsored by Adam&Eve.

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There's a scene in the film "The Holiday" in which Jude Law's character, a British guy named Graham, asks potential hookup Amanda, played by Cameron Diaz, what she thinks about foreplay, and she says "it's overrated. Significantly overrated."

*groans* Graham replies, "you are quickly becoming one of the most interesting girls I've ever met." Which is one of those moments in a movie when I feel like a really clever sexologist. Because good foreplay is not overrated! Which Graham knows, seeing as the Brits have the highest recorded foreplay time at 22.5 minutes. But, in order to validate her, and I think to get laid, he says "most interesting."

So how do we get to the mind-blowing foreplay, which isn't overrated, without shaming those who aren't into it, or don't think they are?

First, we talk about it. A LOT.

What is foreplay? What does it mean to you and your partners? what's idea and what do you think should be avoided and what do you think about the scene in the movie?

Many follow the coital standard that foreplay is some sort of distinct time period and set of behaviors preceding actual sex or coitus. But foreplay doesn't have to built up to something that's more important. Foreplay can be what's important. It can be the sex!

Next, collect ideas. How many foreplaying options are there?

What are other people doing in romance novels, love stories, hookup stories?

My story!

In my most recent experience, my partner was taking a shower and I hopped onto the vanity to wait. We talked a little while he was in there, and I kept my voice low and calm so he would know I was feeling sensual. When he got out of the shower I looked him up and down so he knew I liked his body. Then he smiled to acknowledge that, and pulled a razor out of the cabinet to shave. I watched him in the mirror, grooming himself which was a total turn on, and then I offered to shave the back of his neck where the hair had grown out. We both brushed our teeth as a way of saying "let's make out." Then, I was taken by the hand and asked where I'd like to play. I suggested the bedroom with clean sheets, and he walked me there, a tower still around his waist. Then, onto the bed so I could draw constellations in his freckles and run my finger over his chin to feel for missed hairs.

Foreplay researchers have found all genders want longer durations of foreplay than what they experience. Average foreplay is around 13 minutes, and the ideal is 18. My thing is that it's not about time, it's about curiosity.

My partner reached for a vibrator and set it to the lowest pulse. "Okay?" he asked. "Yes." He brushed it across my top, down my stomach, over my jeans, and when I felt the vibe hit my clit, I arched a little to say "Right there." So he stayed there for a moment, then moved further down my vulva to my vagina and anus. All still clothes on, lights on, not even under the covers yet. Jake the dog barked for help getting down the stairs, so I went to retrieve him, but kept the foreplay going in other ways like asking my partner to grab condoms, and light the candles.

Acts of service - like him improving the ambience, or me getting the dog, or doing the dishes, or putting the kids to bed are definitely foreplay... or choreplay!

It may just seem like preparation for sex, but it doesn't have to be. It can be act one of sex theater.

When I came back to the room I pulled off my shirt and slid my hands up my partner's legs to crawl into his lap. I put the vibrator on him this time - his thighs, his shaft and his scrotum. "How does that feel?" I asked. "Surprisingly good," he answered. Then, he unclipped my bra with one hand and I teased that he was still skilled after all these years.

Humor is one of the best foreplay techniques. And for that matter, is so is any good communication. I remember hearing sex educator and columnist Dan Savage say "Dirty talk is simple. Describe what you're going to do, describe what you're doing, and describe what you just did." Which is what I did, while being nibbled on the neck and massaged, while romping, laughing, negotiating, scratching and describing fantasy that  may never happen but really turned us on. All of that is foreplay!

in 1948, Dr. Alfred Kinsey published research that included the most common foreplay techniques used:

- lip kissing
- hands on breast
- hands on female genitals
- mouth on breast
- hands on male genitals
- deep kissing
- cunnilingus and fellatio

I think we gravitate towards a lot of these because it feels good. Here in the thigh is the ilioinguinal nerve that connects to the genitals. Physicians have found that caressing the waist can contract muscles in the pelvic floor. The buccal nerve around the lips, which we touch during kissing, is incredibly sensitive. And between the jaw and clavicle is one of the most erogenous zones full of nerves that go directly to the spine and the brain. Some people with spinal cord injuries can even orgasm from sensations felt here.

This doesn't mean you're limited to these locations. You're not. It's 2017: Use your imagination. Think about what feels good to you. Ask your partners what they enjoy. Come up with games together. The goal is curiosity.

In her book "Come as you Are" Dr. Emily Nagoski writes about foreplay as both craving and savoring. She also uses other words I love like "allowing", "exploring", and "noticing" to convey her idea that foreplay is "increasing activation of the accelerator and decreasing the brakes." The goal of both approaches she writes, "is to sustain curiosity."

Stay Curious.

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