(Sound Of Burp)

Good morning John, it's Friday - Valentine's Day. That one day a year when we come together to celebrate something our culture is already unhealthily obsessed with - chocolate.

Valentine's Day is third for chocolate consumption in the United States, after Halloween and Easter. On this day, more than fifty million tons of chocolate will be consumed. Wow! Not that I'm not going to partake...

Katherine and I are going to be Tim Tam-slamming some Bailey's Irish Cream while watching the Olympics. Romantic!

One of those moments when you realize, being an adult is actually pretty cool. I mean, I can suck an aromatic liqueur into a chocolate biscuit and fill it up with, and then eat the who... any time I want t...

The Olympics, though! I've been enjoying this! Some people have that thing in their mind that just lets them focus on one thing for years, so that they can become the best in the world, at that one weird thing!

It's a lot of sacrifice that you need to make for exceptionalism, and the weird thing is, why are these things valuable anyway? Like, what makes being good at skiing and then shooting stuff any more valuable than really good at Flappy Bird?

Cultural agreement, I guess, and where does that come from? Who cares! I don't care! I just... I want to watch it happen! 83 miles an hour, down a sheet of ice, with sticks tied to your feet! I am happy to watch this on a couch! While tamming Slim Slams! (laughs)

Some things, I think, are just ridiculous. Like, I, no offense, but, curling. What is happening!? This is weird! But objectively, I know that it's no more weird than ice-dancing or hockey, and shove off if you think that it's weird, those are my two favorite events.

Hockey is basically just full-contact team ice-dancing with sticks! And less awesome outfits! But for the events you don't care that much about, they have a solution to that problem - NBC just makes these mini-documentaries.

Like a week ago, did I care about who Tina Maze was? No. No, I didn't. But show me a mini-documentary about how she is both a pop star and a world-class skier and has united Slovenia under her winning smile! Yes, I will root for her.

And then, that Swiss woman who had that terrible crash and had to have nine surgeries on her knee so that she could have chance for glory - which one do I pick!? It doesn't matter, they - it was a tie for first!

I don't care about this WHY AM I CRYING!!!? Of course, my objective scientist brain is like, "There's no such thing as a tie in a timed event; if you go out to enough significant figures, someone was faster!"

Here's a fascinating thing: They actually have more significant figures than they show us! So someone knows! Somewhere. Which one of those women actually won that event. But they are not allowed - they sign a contract that says this - to tell us which one was actually faster!

And I mean, really, if you're that close, you both deserve the gold, come on!

Only problem with the Olympics - I don't watch a lot of TV, and WOW! Commercials! Wha, every second! McDonald's is like, "Hey, did you enjoy these extreme feats of athleticism? Try out our 880-calorie chocolate-covered strawberry frappé!" Yeah, you could probably eat one of those if you were an Olympic athlete. Because you burn like 8000 calories a day. The rest of us? No.

Tim Tam slamming Irish cream, though? That's okay. So Valentine's Day? Eh. Enjoy Olympic chocolate day. Play some games, read a book, hang out with the people you love, and don't let those world-class athletes make you feel bad about sitting on the couch with a plateful of chocolate.

John, I'll see you Tuesday.

(endscreen - Art Assignment trailer)

John: Sarah, I can't help but notice that we are across the street from an Arby's.

(music begins)

Artist 1: Your art assignment:

Artist 2: Find someone, draw a line between the two of you,

Artist 3: Articulate something intimate,

Artist 4: Doing something you never think to do,

Artist 5: And when it looks cool, you're done.

(back to Hank) No, my poster! Subscribe to Gunnarolla! His posters don't stick to walls! Where's my tape!? Where'd I put it? Why does this happen to me? I'm a good person!

Here's a different thing of tape. I'll just let you know how extremely organized I am. That'll do!

Tamming Slim Slams. (prolonged laughter)