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In which John tells the story of following an ex-girlfriend, code named Dave Mustaine, to Alaska, while continuing Swindon Town's march to the Premier League.
Hello and welcome to Hankgames without Hank. We are playing today in the FA Cup, which is a cup competition in which teams from different leagues can play one another as they move forward. Swindon Town Swoodilypoopers have made their way through the FA Cup and now we are playing a Premier League club, Wigan Athletic. This is nervous, exciting times for Swindon Town. There are literally millions of dollars on the line here. This is the biggest crowd we have ever played in front of and I, for one, am nervous. We've got John Green and John Green up top. Uh, we got Fat Lucas in goal. We got some other guys in the middle. And uh, we can just only hope that we're gonna be up to the challenge of Wigan Athletic.

Today some people wanted me to talk about, tell some ex-girlfriend stories. I'm happy to tell an ex-girlfriend story although of course I don't want to use any ex-girlfriends' real names because they're nice people and now they're adults and they have lives and the thought of, you know, them being discussed during uh, you know, FIFA matches is probably not something that's terribly exciting to them. So-

I am really, really out of my league right now. Literally.

Um, so I'm going to uh use, ahhh... pseudonyms. Specifically I'm going to use pseudonyms of-

Oh come on you're a better passer than that John Green.

I'm gonna use pseudonyms of uh- I'm just going to name all of my ex-girlfriends after members of 1980s heavy metal bands. So uh, today I'm going to tell you the story of Dave Mustaine, one of my college girlfriends. Dave Mustaine, nice, nice girl, dance major, very uhhh... opinionated? Very, very um, attractive, nice person, who I made the mistake of going to Alaska with. Here's a lesson from history my friends: people who go to Alaska are either running to something, or they are running from something. And in my case, the thing that Dave Mustaine was running from, was me. And unfortunately, I attended the trip with her.

Oh you can finish! Ohhhhh. It's frustrating. It's very, I mean, when you're playing a team like Wigan Athletic I mean, we're just getting, they're just a lot faster than we are. Um, you know it's just- they have pure speed that we don't have. But we have mustaches that they don't have, so everybody's got something. Um- Oh I passed too late! I'm sorry people who are good at FIFA and are watching this.

Uh, basically here's the story of Dave Mustaine and myself. I liked Dave Mustaine, I wanted to woo her, and to do that I- One day we were at dinner together and we were just friends and we were, you know in the cafeteria at dinner and she said that she'd never been to Graceland and I said that I'd never been to Graceland. And then I said uh, do you want to go? And she said what do you mean do I want to go? And I said do you want to go to Graceland? And she said well sure, eventually and I said why don't we go right now? And so ten minutes later we were in my car and we drove all night to Graceland and we got there and you know we had to like, we slept in the car for a couple hours and then we, we toured Graceland at 7 o'clock in the morning totally sleep-deprived and then on the way home, ah, you know, she was like, ok-

Oh, oh god oh god panic panic. D- Fat Lucas I need you! I need you now more than ever! Thank you Fat Lucas.

Um, and then yeah so then we were dating. Uh, you know, in college you don't go on proper dates or anything but we were-

Oh I needed to hit Y!

We were functionally dating. About two weeks after we went to Graceland, I asked Dave Mustaine if she wanted to go to Alaska with me for the summer. Uh, I had this idea in my head that I was gonna go to Alaska and it was gonna be awesome and it was gonna be life-changing because my dad- many of you don't know this- but my dad is like an outdoors guy. I know that he ended up with like two pale sons who spend their lives on the internet, but he is- he is something of an outdoorsman, and he worked on a salmon boat in Alaska. And I always thought this was pretty badass. And so I had it in my head- I knew I couldn't work on a salmon boat- but I had it in my head that I was gonna go to Alaska and I was gonna like, you know, discover my, my "man-ness" or something. Um, what actually happened is that I d-

Oh! Oh! Oh you got the b-b-b-g. B bjjj kb brrrr k ba ba ba baaaahhhh. That might have been the best chance we get against Wigan Athletic. And uh Other John Green he just couldn't finish it. Well no one should say that I don't pass enough! Um, it's still 1-nil.

So we went, so we drove to Alaska. It was a 14 day drive. Uh, it looks close on a map, but that is because maps do not reflect the actual size of the world. It was a very- Thank you Fat Lucas- it was a very, very very long drive. And by the end of the 14 days, I think it's safe to say that Dave Mustaine, did not like me. Dave Mustaine found me extremely annoying. Unfortunately, in those same 14 days, I had decided that Dave Mustaine was the most wonderful woman in the history of the universe, and that I could not live without her.

We'll talk more about that in the second half. It's 0-0, nil-nil going into the second half, here in the FA Cup. The, I think we're in the 5th or 6th round of the FA Cup and I am facing a Premier League team, I am tiny little Swindon Town. Look at that. Manchester United and Fulham are the other teams left in this, this competition. It's pretty insane right now. We've just, we've got to find a way to win. Swoodilypoopers, I believe you can do it! And by the way, Bald John Green if you disappoint me, I will bring in Stone Cold Cteve Austin; I am not afraid to substitute you out my friend. So, um... Oh no, oh no, oh no... Sorry

Ok, so we went to Alaska, by the time we got to Alaska it was already pretty clear to me that Dave Mustaine did not like me anymore. But, you know, her not liking me made me like her all the more. Um, I just thought that she was amazing and brilliant and that like she was the greatest modern dancer of all time and that she was going to be like a choreographer on the level of Martha Graham and that she was a genius and yadayadayada. Um, right, so, uhhm...

Oh no, oh no... Oh no... Ohhh no. [WIG - #20 H. Rodallega 53'] We just, we couldn't do anything about that, I don't have the talent to deal with that kind of situation. Frustrating. We've gotta, we've gotta find a way guys. We've gotta focus now. We've gotta be exactly the kind of man that I wasn't when I was dating Dave Mustaine.

Um, so uh. So what happened is that right after we got to Alaska, Dave Mustaine uh- we, we- I started working at an ice cream shop, she was working at a restaurant, we were living in a town called Moose Pass, Alaska. And pretty much immediately - no goal- Dave Mustaine starting seeing a 31-year-old divorcé short-order cook. And uh, this was particularly painful for me because Dave Mustaine and I lived in a tent with four other people, and so I would like, you know, see Dave Mustaine make out with-

Oh why don't you get that pass! Ohhh...

Make out with this 31-year-old divorced short-order cook. At the time, of course, 31 was as old as a human being could possibly be whereas now it is four years ago.

[SWI - #9 J. Green 63'] BALD JOHN GREEN!! Hero of the day, hugged by Other John Green. Oh, my gosh, Bald John Green scoring against Premier League side Wigan Athletic. Let's look at it again, Bald John Green. Finisher. 

So uh, anyway, the- here's the point of the story. I became extremely, severely depressed in Alaska. I struggled with depression various times in my life, but never more than when I was in Alaska. It was a physically beautiful place, just not well-suited to my talents.

Bald John Green has a breakaway. Bald John Green can't finish. Aww that's devastating! Oh, all of Swindon is heartbroken! Oh, nonononono, no no no no. Fat Lucas! Preserving the draw. Ok, so I think if I tie, I get to play them again, which is not something I particularly want to do, I'd really like to win. Um, don't have a ton of confidence in my ability to beat them.

So, um. So... here's what happened. I eventually had to leave Alaska, and I had to fly home. I had to spend like all of the money that I'd made at the ice cream shop over the last, over the first two months of living there. I spent 100% of that money on a single plane ticket. Um, and um, and then I went home. But before I went home, I said to Dave Mustaine, I said hey, listen, I can only pack two bags worth of stuff on the airplane, and I'm wondering if you would mind taking my toaster oven back to college at the end of the summer. And she said, sure, I wouldn't mind doing that at all. And uh, you know, I liked my toaster oven in the way that people do.

Yes, give him a card, because that was rude.

Um, I liked my toaster oven, and Dave Mustaine promised me, I wanna repeat that-

That, that was not a good free kick.

That, uh, that she would return my toaster oven to me at uh, at the beginning of college. So I flew home, you know. I got some uh, was treated for my depression, by the end of the summer I was doing a little bit better, ready to go back to college, went back to college. And then uh, I met Dave Mustaine, and I said hey! Good to see you, sorry about um, you know, that time you broke my heart and I thought I would never be ok. But, I'm doing a little bit better, still think you're beautiful and I miss you. -I didn't say that, but I thought it- and then, I said, you know, uuhhh do you have my toaster oven? And she said no, I'm really sorry actually, I uh, I ended up having to give Roy, the 31-year-old divorce of a boyfriend, a ride back to Seattle at the end of the summer. And uh, we didn't have room for his stuff, and my stuff, and your toaster oven so we left the toaster oven on the side of the road in Soldotna, Alaska. And I have held a grudge about it ever since. And, I mean, you know what, look, I'm 34 years old, I'm happily married, I have a beautiful son. I'll tell you what I don't have: I don't have that toaster oven. And in fact, I've never had a toaster oven that was as good as that toaster oven, and I continue to resent not having a good toaster oven.

Oh we had a huge opportunity to win the game! Ah, Prutton. D. Prutton had a huge opportunity to win the game but because he is not Bald John Green or Other John Green he could not finish. And here we are in the 90th minute, drawing with Wigan. Oh, oh, oh! No! Ah, ah! Ohh, I hate myself. I hate myself, I hate my-  I will never forgive my- oh, oh! Oohhhh. I don't even know what to say. I don't. I panicked. I'm sorry I let you down Swoodilypoopers. But, we will get to face Wigan Athletic again. I will not see you and you will not see me. I can't even finish the outro. The devastation.

Best wishes!