Dr. Frankenstein: Human skeletons are comprised of exactly 206 bones. Evolution has, over time, rendered them strong enough to support our upright bodies, yet flexible enough to keep us from cracking. But in the coarse of day to day life, bones break all the time. In the end our brittle structure leaves us vulnerable. A-as it did with my late friend Robert.

So. What if we could design a new skeleton, engineered for maximum strength and durability. Instead of avoiding accidents or waiting to be healed, what if we redesigned the bones themselves.

To start, all we need is an ideal specimen.

Eli: Sorry, I got lost on the way to the X-Ray department. I was going to text you, but then I realized that my phone was still in my pants. Little help?

(Intro music)

Dr. Frankenstein: Today we are going to be printing synthetic endoskeletal composites. Essentially, we are growing our own bones. 

Iggy: Sure you can save money but it's also more satisfying than just picking your bones up at the store.

Dr. Frankenstein: And we're joined by my good friend Rory Clerval who has graciously donated some much needed equipment for today's experiment. 

Rory: Sure have. 

Iggy: Hey, is that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

Rory: It's not in my pocket, it's on the table.

Iggy: Yeah. Never actually seen a real gun before and I make dumb jokes when I'm nervous.

Rory: You must be nervous a whole lot.

Iggy: Obviously. I'm the Dark Lord's lab partner.

Dr. Frankenstein: In recent years, there have been amazing advances in 3D printing technology. Today we'll demonstrate the basic process plus test how much pressure we can exert on our newly crafted artificial bones. Efforts to obtain Robert's medical records have so far come up short.

Iggy: Ah, those hospital security guys were totally watching me, man.

Dr. Frankenstein: But they remain ongoing.

Iggy: You're just not going to be happy til I get tased, are you? 

Dr. Frankenstein: As a substitute, we x-rayed a volunteer's femur which will serve as a blue print for the printer to create a new, more durable replacement. 

Rory: Who's the volunteer?

Dr. Frankenstein: Just a friend.

Rory: Eli?

Dr. Frankenstein: You don't - you don't think I have other friends?

Rory: So...Eli?

Dr. Frankenstein: Yes.

Iggy: Normal human bones are made of pliable collagen protein and a hard hydroxyapatite mineral. Our printer is loaded with a synthetic version instead. It'll fuse the two polymers to match the exact architecture of actual bones. 

Dr. Frankenstein: The new material will be nearly identical to human bone, down to the microscopic level. 

Iggy: Now we'll leave that femur baking at 350 for another hour but we've already prepped another bone before the show. 

Dr. Frankenstein: What he means is 3D printing can take a while but we have this femur we fashioned earlier utilizing the same process. 

Rory: So is that an exact replica of Eli's femur?

Iggy: What? You don't recognize his bone? Okay, gun, still nervous.

Dr. Frankenstein: Actually, Rory, replica refers to a model but this is a massive improvement. It's stronger than the original and I can prove it. 

Rory: I believe you.

Dr. Frankenstein: But - but I can prove it. 

Rory: Ah, got it. Oh hell no Victoria, there ain't no way that bone is stronger than the original bone.

Dr. Frankenstein: Well I guess we'll have to test it with our vice. Should just take a few moments for a reading. Should we put some money down on this result? 

Rory: What? No. I was just being 'humerus'. Ra-ra-ra.

Dr. Frankenstein: Closing in on 3,000 mega pascals. About 20 times stronger than real bone. It's a good thing you didn't take that bet.

Rory: Oh hallelujah. Timmy's college fund is saved. 

Dr. Frankenstein: Iggy, uh, let's prep the gun test. 

Iggy: Right.


Rory: So, how is Eli doing? 

Dr. Frankenstein: He's fine. He's been hanging out here all week trying to cheer me up I guess. 

Rory: Ah - he's not still here is he? 

Iggy: No, no, not likely. He said he was going out to dinner. 

Rory: Dinner? 

Iggy: Yeah. Dinner. With a girl or something.

Rory: Dinner with a girl? 

Iggy: Yeah, I know right. Last time I had dinner with a girl we were eating frozen microwave burritos over a sink. 

Dr. Frankenstein: Rory?

Rory: With who?

Iggy: Oh Victoria. She eats a lot of crap for a doctor. 

Rory: No, who is the girl that he said he was having dinner with? 

Iggy: Ooh, ah...

Rory: Iggy.

Dr. Frankenstein: Rory, put the gun down.

Iggy: Um, I don't know. It was Julia - Julie - uh Justine maybe.

Rory: Oh, Justine? Justine Moritz?

Iggy: Um, maybe? I - I don't know.

Rory: Maybe, as in his ex-girlfriend? Justine Moritz? 

Iggy: Yes. No, no. I, no, maybe it was a different Justine. You know what, maybe it was Justin. 

(Gun shot)

Dr. Frankenstein: Woah! It barely even chipped.

Eli: What was that noise? Is everyone okay? Rory. It's nice to see you here, unexpectedly. 

Rory: Eli. You look very nice. Got a hot date? 

Eli: Just dinner. On a Tuesday. With a friend. 

Rory: With anybody I know?

Eli: Yes. 

Rory: Maybe somebody who you used to date? Maybe somebody who still likes boy bands and wears sweatpants at inappropriate situations? 

Eli: You know Rory? I just noticed, you look really nice, like exceptional today.

Rory: Oh, go on.

Eli: And, I, uh guess there's probably some things that I should apologize for. 

Rory: Oh, I can't imagine what. 

Eli: Like, uh, not being good to you and not being there for you, being boring. Not being cool enough for your friends. and the time I ate those orange gummy bears even though you told me, I guess, that they're your favorite, even though I don't remember that but I assume happened.

Rory: Is that all?

Eli: I'm just sorry, that it wasn't enough.

Rory: Uh, still need this?

Dr. Frankenstein: Nope. 

Iggy: Nope. 

Rory: Well, that was fun. Text me. 

Iggy: A real gun went off in a lab and I didn't get shot...it's a miracle. I mean, a very scientific and logical miracle. 

Dr. Frankenstein: We need to run more tests on this bone. What else could we shoot it with? 

Iggy: Bazooka?

Dr. Frankenstein: Let's get on that.

Iggy: Sure, I'll call the US army.

Dr. Frankenstein: Great. 

Iggy: Oh you, okay, you want - you want me to call, what do I - what, 911? You think they'll know or do you think they got, like, a website or, do you - do you have the yellow pages? Is that a thing still with the internet or...? 

(Outro)