Good morning Hank, it's Tuesday; I'm talking really fast because I'm trying to be like John Green even though I'm not John Green, which is something you've probably noticed!

I'm also trying not to blink, and I'm going down in pitch right before my jump cuts! Also, Hank, I'm trying to make the puff level of my hair higher, but I don't have very much, and I'm afraid that if I keep doing this, I'll go bald permanently!

Yes, I realize John Green wears glasses, but if I put on my glasses I look exactly like Vsauce. And many of you Nerdfighters right now are saying to yourselves, "He's not Vsauce?!" No, I'm not Vsauce. So who am I?

Hi, I'm Craig Wheezywaiter. That's my real last name, according to John's previous video.
 

And Craig Wheezywaiter, which is his real last name.

[Craig] I'm the one responsible for that beard over there on the vlogbrothers channel, but in all other regards, I'm not responsible. At all. That's why I make clones do my chores.

[Craig in back] Hi.

[Craig in front] Get back to work, clone.

"So why am I here, and when do I leave?" many of you are asking. Well, you're not asking... you're not saying "I", you're saying "you". "So why am you here, and when do you leave?" Well, substitute "am" for "are".

Because, John had a baby! Well, Sarah had the baby; John helped. They brought Alice Green into the world. Well, that picture is just a random baby. That is not their baby. That might be a boy baby, I  - there, there we go.

I can also try to approximate the sound of their baby for you - [baby noises; coughs] Only gonna to do that once.

That reason that I'm so good at impersonating a baby is because of your most recent video, Hank, "How To Be a Baby Properly". I actually wrote down your list about how to be a baby, Hank, to make sure I got it right. So here's your list, if I understand it correctly:

• You're stuck in the world, get used to it.
• Cry
• Sleep 2.5 hours at a time.
• Put stuff in your mouth.
• Cry all the time, again. And,
• Try to be cute.

That is exactly what I did in college. I failed at the last one.

Anyway, Hank, and John, it is an honor to be on your channel, and once I learned I was going to be on your channel, I knew I had to step up my game, because I normally do stuff like this:
 

Here's me with my shirt off.

I'm not proud of it. I'm proud of it, but I'm ashamed to be proud of it.

So I needed some practice interacting with nerdfighters before I made this video, so therefore, I made a Nerdfighter clone. Nerdfighter clone, are you there?

[Nerdfighter clone] Yes?

[Craig in front] Why didn't you say anything?

[Nerdfighter clone] You didn't ask; I was just being polite.

[Craig in front] Just never forget to be awesome, do you?

[Nerdfighter clone] DFTBA.

[Craig in front] Oh, hey, listen, I think I saw some worldsuck in the bathroom; you think you can go decrease it, with a mop? Thank you.

[Nerdfighter clone] Yes.

[Craig in front] Anyway, Nerdfighter clone didn't help, because every time I talk to him, I just kept getting jealous by how awesome he didn't forget to be.

So I just decided to do a bunch of things that John Green does, like Question Tuesday, the day I answer fake questions that I just made up but I assume that you were wondering, but I'm not going to answer real questions because I'm not a Vlogbrother and I probably will answer inaccurately!

When's John coming back?

I'm not sure, but it's going to be a bunch of weeks, and different people are going to host in his place each week.

Why's your name Wheezywaiter?

My name is Wheezywaiter because I have asthma, and I used to be a waiter.

Do you hate Vsauce because he looks so much like you?

No! We're friends... such good friends... [maniacal face] No, for real, we are friends.

Who the eff is Hank?

Hank is a large flippered marine mammal found in the Arctic Ocean, and Hank may also refer to the movement that a Hank makes. [flaps arms together] See? I'm Hanking right now! Hank you very much. [chuckles] I'm a dork.

Will you do sharpie face?

Oh... I don't have any Sharpies... but I do have crackers, so I will smash one on my forehead. [smashes] Yeah, that'll be my thing now. And then I'll eat it too. Mmm. That was an easy target to hit, if you know what I mean. Oh... I'm balding. It's sad.

What else does John Green do? Thoughts from Places, okay. How 'bout...uh.. my office. Here goes. Often, when one thinks of an office, feelings such as confinement and separation come to mind, which is why I very deliberately located my office in this open corner, of my girlfriend's and my abode.

Notice the windows lining the periphery. One can even discover infinity in this locale. No longer is there separation, but connection... to everything.

What else? Ah, something literary. A work of Oscar Wilde often contains critique of social issues, like false manners, hypocrisy, fraudulent identities, and nowhere is it more exemplary than in this passage:

"Whiz whiz, went the Catherine wheel, as she spun round and round." Probably should have planned that out a little better.

Well, he is often in an airport. I'll go to the airport... no, I don't feel like going to the airport. Oh, you know what else, he's also not in an airport very often. I'll do that instead.

Here I am. Ah, this is one of my favorite not airports.

Hank, I'll see you on Friday. And, DFTBA.