John: Mm, neck pillow.

Hank: Good morning, John!

John: Oh, God, please!

Hank: It's Friday!

John: Ohh, God, I had four hours of sleep last night. All I want you to do is record a very quiet video, it's a simple request.

(background laughter from Hank)

[YESTERDAY]

Hank: We are now in Arizona, oh wait, we're going across a river, we are now in California.

John: We're actually still in Arizona.

Hank: We are?

John and Hank and Katherine: NOW we're in California.

[A WHILE BEFORE THAT]

Hank: We are at the Jesus Christ is Lord Travel Center.

John: You are wearing a neck pillow.

Hank: I'm wearing my neck pillow still.

[JUST AFTER THAT]

Katherine: Do I have something on my face?

Hank: Yes, there's a little something on your face, Katherine. It's the bun of sin.

[WAY BEFORE THAT]

(John signing mountains of books)

[A BIT AFTER THAT]

(long line of people)

[LIKE A DAY LATER]

Hank: You're annoying!

John: You're annoying.

Hank: Why are you still in this car?

John: (laughs)

[AND THEN, JUST NOW]

Hank: John, I'm here today with number one New York Times Best Selling author of The Fault in Our Stars, John Green.

John: Hi, Hank. I'm so tired! I don't want to do this.

Hank: (laughs) How does it feel to be number one?

John: I mean, it's ridiculous, I love Nerdfighteria so much! I mean, I would like to take credit for it, but it is, it has nothing to do with me.

Hank: It is kind of cool that you could have written like, a really horrible book and they would've pre-ordered it, and then they would have got it and been like 'OH MY GOD, this is CRAP!' but instead, you wrote an amazing book. Lev Grossman, in Time Magazine--

John: It's true, it's true.

Hank: --said that you were 'damn near genius'.

John: Near.

Hank: Well, how does that feel, 'near,' to be near to genius, how does that feel, John?

John: I don't know, you tell me.

Hank: As John says in the shows, my greatest accomplishment is being your brother.

John: That's my favorite joke in the show. I love it!

Hank: Yeah.

John: That, and the fact that almost every night, you get shocked instead of me.

Hank: You're very 'empathic,' as you said last night.

John: (laughs) I was nervous! I said empathic, but I meant empathetic. Um, I also am empathic, though.

Hank: What word am I thinking of?

John: Ahhh, um, moist.

Hank: YOU'RE RIGHT!

John: I am! Aah, I'm so good!

Hank: You were totally right!

John: Moist! He's always thinking of moist.

Hank: What do you do when you're backstage before a show to get ready?

John: Um, I mostly just sit and watch you play the same Chameleon Circuit song over and over and over again.

(clip of Hank)

Hank (singing and playing guitar): It's completely terrifying, but it's so, so exciting.

(end clip)

Hank: I'm very nervous, and that's one of the only things that makes me not nervous.

John: Well, you know what would make me less nervous is if you were practicing the songs you are going to play.

(simultaneously)
Hank: OOH!
John: AAAAAH!

John: Oh, the glory of it all.

Hank: Our interview is nearing its end because John has a hamburger.

John: Thanks for interviewing me.

Hank: Any final words for the people of my audience?

John: (laughs) I hope you guys like The Fault in Our Stars and thanks for being awesome.

Hank (thumbs up)

In Van:

Hank (whispers): John, I'll see you when you wake up.

(Chameleon Circuit music plays)

John (voice-over): In case you're wondering how we spent the moments before we go on stage--

(Katherine has her face on Hank's arm)

Katherine: I can't get any purchase on it for some reason.

(Katherine blows raspberries onto Hank's arm.)

John: That's disgusting. I want to end this... Ahh come on, this is– this is terrible.