John: Hi I'm... Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi.

I have some spittle.

Mental Floss Intro Plays

After getting his donkey drunk and watching it--you have to drop it. Wait, right now? While like, when I'm like, at the like, 'sa' in Chrysippus. I was like man, how long is this gonna las--I'm terrified of this.

I really wanna make a get laid joke in this, but I wont.

The famous an-an-ahh.

You are not allowed to throw snowbile -laughs- snobiles. Snowbiles or missals. (a mispronunciation of missiles)

Well, whatever, I'm not reading from this script. Is that an issue?

The philosopher Chrysippus gree--ah--you gotta do it again, I wasn't ready.

Your delicious new cherry red mini cooper is--huh?
Background person: Chili red
John: Marge has got a mini cooper as you can tell.

121? Is that a horsepower engine? Jesus Christ, what did you buy? Did you buy a lawnmower?

Is it Hor-an?

Is it Wodehouse, or Woodhouse?

BUT Harry the--HARRY.

Do it one more time, it doesn't hurt at all. I can't even feel it.

The episode about Michelle getting amnesia. Which was really -laughs- That's -laughs- so true. It is the best episode.

[John reaches for and opens a book]
Oh! Look what's inside! It's alcohol! -laughs- Just like always! -laughs- That was an extremely tortured joke.

The bearded dragon, native to Australia-- Wait. Did someone say dragon?!
[John holds up a book ]
I wonder what's inside my book, The Bear and the Dragon. Ohhh it's booze! It's always booze!

Rarely does André improve a drink. -laughs- This is that rare circumstance where -laughs- one wishes for more André -laughs-

Chrysippus is believed to have d--

[John tries to points at a figure of Mickey Mouse, but actually points at a hedgehog] 
--is called a Mickey. -bleep- it!

Philip Kindred Dick. Are you kidding me?
-laughter-

--created--
[John's phone rings, interrupting him.]
Oh my god. Of all the moments.

Can you hear my belly rumbling?

[Distant sound of an engine]
Thank you truck, for ruining the shot.

--Paved the way for the eventual ascension of... Argh! Prince Albert!

The 'm' in Richard -laughs- The 'm' in Richard Nixon; look for it!

[In a high squeaky voice] Ma pigeons have gone on amazing journey with me from
[In normal voice] If I'd--If I. Was that- Was that good? -laughs- No.
Background person: You lisped the 's' there
-laughter-

[Whilst paper airplanes are being thrown at John]
That was poor.
[Another plane]
Not good.
[Another plane]
Also bad.
-laughs- It wasn't a good joke, but now it's real-- -laughs-
It's supposed to go like this
[Mimes throwing at airplane at himself]
[sarcastically] Ow! Death from falling airplane! What a high quality sophisticated joke it would be, if only we could get it accomplished!

The greeting 'Hello' -laughs- 

Generations of lazy, entitled college students. Ah! Uh. I mean, eh? They are lazy and entitled.

You're -bleep- right it was your fault.

[Pointing to shelves behind him]
Why are are all those-Ugh! I'm the worst at this. I have no spacial intelligence.

The Chevy Volt is too powerful to measure in horsepower. Yeah, no. You can only measure it actually in, like, power of Camaros. It has 70 Camaros power.

So, I think we all owe that cobra a thank you -laughs-. Sorry, -laughing- I couldn't get through your joke.

What? Is that a joke? Or is that real? 

Is that too dirty?

Only Kentucky has more roadside littering, but most of it just washes into that big -bleep- cave so nobody really cares. -laughs-. 

Did that work?  Could you see the teleprompter? 
Background person: I did see it.
Alright, one more time. -laughs- . It does not hurt, Meredith! It is a tiny little Yoshi.

Cookie Monster admitted that before he got cooked on- Cooked on hookies? -laughs-

Your leftist politics are always getting in the way of this show.

The philosopher Chrysippus is believed to have done-laughs-.

[John shifts position towards right]. 
Ow.

Just call it, like, Journey to the End of the Universe and like all it would be is pictures that NASA took that are in the public domain-
Background voice: What?!
- And me being like: "Yeah, can you -bleep- believe this?! This is in space, guys! Holy -bleep-.

[John's holding a skull and opening and closing the mouth of it]
I'm not very good at ventriloquism.

I'm Hannah Hart. No I'm not, I'm John Green and, uh, I will now-Hmm, yeah. That wasn't good. I just read what's on the -bleep- teleprompter. -laughs-. Seriously Ron Burgundy. Go -bleep- yourself, San Diego. 

Mental Floss end screen and song plays.