[On the phone] You don't happen to own a cat do you? Well almost owning a cat doesn't do me any good.

[On the phone to someone else] Yeah, I have a bit of a weird question for you, do you have a cat? Oh. Alright. Do you have any like, really close friends who have cats?

Hank, I think we're going to have to wait until Thursday on the cat-licking. Good morning Hank, it's Tuesday, August 14th, the day of my punishment.

[Speaking into MacDonald's drive-through intercom] Hi, can I have a hamburger Happy Meal please, with an orange drink?
[MacDonald's guy] Boy or girl?
[John] Is it for a boy or a girl? Uh, a girl.

We have gender-specific Happy Meals now? I don't think this represents progress, Hank.

[to Sarah] How do you think this is going to go?
[S] I think it's gonna go better than the chin waxing.
[J] Okay, with like one being... a baby pinched me and 10 being I just waxed my chin, where do you think the pain is going to fall?
[S] Five.
[J] You think it's a five.

Alright Hank, welcome to cooking with John Green, I'm now going to blend a Happy Meal. I got the orange drink, something just told me it was gonna be better. I've put in some of the orange drink, I'm gonna save a little bit to wash down the rest of what I'm about to do. Open it up, french fries... oh God, it's already gross! hamburger... it's quite a lot of food, actually. 

We're ready to blend!

Oh that just looks... delicious. It's like all the best parts of food plus all the best parts of liquid. I see little bits of gristle. That's nice. 

[lifting a spoon of it] Oh, God! It just doesn't smell like something you should be eating with a spoon. 
[S - laughter]

[Tastes] I think I'm gonna puke. I only got one spoon in and I feel like puking!

[S] Eat spoonful after spoonful.

[Song plays as John eats/chokes and Sarah laughs -- Jonathan Coulton's 'Kenesaw Mountain']

Oh. [coughs] Last bite! I'm really glad I didn't say I'd eat a MacDonald's Extra Value meal because that would've killed me. I can see a little bit of pickle.

FINISHED! No more Happy Meal!

No matter how much this hurts little man, it's not gonna be as bad as the last thing. If you'd told me on January 1st, 2007, that we would be doing this, I would not have believed you onetwothree [pulls wax strip off leg] OH BOY wow, that was not five! That is not a five! 

[various sounds of pain as John waxes his legs]

I would rather wax my entire body head to toe than ever eat a blenderized Happy Meal ever again. 

Last one: one, two, three.

Hank, I have done some serious waxing and I'll see you, singing, tomorrow.