Good morning, Hank, it's Wednesday. Who am I kidding? You're not watching this; you're in Haiti!

Hank, I'm really grateful to you for being the noble brother who goes out there on the front lines to decrease World Suck because that means that I can stay in my basement.

Why am I still talking to him? He's not watching!

We are free from the tyranny of Hank!

Okay, nerdfighters. This morning I went to Your Pants and asked for some questions and now... here are some answers!

"After reading Looking for Alaska, I wonder if you've thought about what you want your last words to be before you die." Not at all. To paraphrase the great John Barrymore, "Dying is the last thing I would ever do."

"Did you have any nicknames as a teenager?" Yeah, one time I said that Christian Slater never made a bad movie and, thereafter, a lot of my friends called me "Kuffs."

"Dandy lions or dandelions?" Oh, dandy lions for sure. Do you know what happens if you wish on a dandy lion? He eats you. By the way, "The Dandy Lions"... really good band name.

"It's tax time again. Any fishing boat proceeds this year?" No. Stupid fishing boats always refusing to give me proceeds.

"When's your new book coming out?" In almost exactly one year.

"What's it about?" Uh, it's about these two teenage cancer survivors who are both obsessed with this reclusive novelist, but it's also about a bunch of other things like Swedish hip-hop and, you know, the meaning of life and stuff.

"Is it really narrated by a girl?" Yes! Hazel!

"What's the title?" I don't know! I change it, like, every day and they all suck! Do you have any good titles? If you have any good titles, please leave them in comments!

"What is the biggest obstacle, in your opinion, to getting started as a professional writer?" Um, essentially, the world contains a lot of books and not that many people who are willing to pay to read them.

"Can you say the alphabet backwards?" Z, Y, X, W... no.

"Are you friends with Libba Bray? Have you read any of her books?" Yes, I'm friends with Libba Bray, and I've read all of her books, including Beauty Queens, which isn't even out yet. 

Did you know that Libba Bray just broke both of her elbows? I realize that sounds like a euphemism for being pregnant with twins or something, but seriously, Libba Bray just broke both of her elbows. And I'm not even that surprised about it, to be honest. Like, if you told me, "John, one of your friends just broke both of her elbows," I would be, like, "I bet it was Libba!"

You never here about people like Sarah Dessen breaking both of their elbows. It just doesn't happen. Poor Libba. Anyway, her new book is amazing; you should pre-order it - link in the dooblydoo. I didn't end up writing a desert island novel because, you know, after Libba's, I don't have to.

"Will you ever walk alone?" No! And if I didn't know this was a Liverpool scarf, I might think I was dressing up as Waldo for Christmas.

[to self] You don't dress up for Christmas, Green. Get your head outta your ass.

"Hey, is your phone number secretly inserted into Looking for Alaska?" Yeah... that used to be my phone number. I mean, when I wrote Looking for Alaska, I didn't think more than about nine people would read it, you know, so yes, I did put my phone number in it.

I have a message for the person who has that phone number now: Sorry.

"Favorite old-school video game?" Pong, because I like video games that are like life and Pong just keeps getting harder until you die.

"Have you ever been arrested?" No.

"Coffee or tea?" Coffee. I'm hiding from the British people.

"If you could, would you?" Probably not. Let's face it: I'm not the kinda guy who does.

Hank, thank you for going to Haiti. We look forward to the most amazing Thoughts from Places videos ever, and I will see you on Friday when I upload the video that you already made.

But I will really see you on... I'm so bad at this... Wednesday? It seems so far away.