Good morning Hank, it's Sunday, it's news day.

I don't know if this is true for you, but for me at any one time I'm able to follow about six news stories, so right now I've got the economic crisis, I've got Iraq, I've got Pakistan, and then I've got the Craig's List Killer, and then 5th I have a pretty good handle on North Korea, and then lastly, of course, I have been closely following the breakup of Lindsey Lohan and Samantha I-don't-know-your-last-name-and-wish-I-didn't-know-your-first-name.

So admittedly Hank, six news stories isn't a lot, but I feel like a pretty well-informed citizen. But then along comes a news story like Sri Lanka, and I'm like, "Oh, there's been a civil war going on? Oh, for thirty years?"

Now Hank, I'm not here to yell at people about not paying attention to the extremely serious situation in Sri Lanka because it's not your fault for not paying attention to it because it's complicated, and no one has ever explained it to you while rubbing creamy peanut butter on his face.

Yes Hank, I know how to get people to pay attention to serious international news stories--peanut butter face!

Okay Hank, so pop quiz: What religion are the people who invented both contemporary suicide bombings and the suicide vest? That's right Hank, they're Hindus. Also, some are Christian, um, and they're not terribly religious. I am referring of course to the Tamil Tigers, the separatist group currently in Sri Lanka getting the crap bombed out of them by the Sri Lankan government. I don't know why I'm applying the peanut butter only to the places where I would shave.

So Hank, to understand the Tamil Tigers, we actually have to go back to 1956. Sri Lanka had just gained its independence a few years before, and the majority Buddhist Sinhalese ethnic group decided that Sinhalese should be the only language in all of Sri Lanka, and that Buddhism should be the official religion.

Well Hank, I'm sure I don't need to tell you how the Tamil minority felt about that happening. They didn't like it. So these tensions simmer for decades, and finally in 1983 war breaks out. A group called the Tamil Tigers is fighting for an independent Tamil state in the northern east of Sri Lanka while the Sri Lankan government is fighting to keep the island a single country.

And it's a difficult thing, Hank, because you can't have every single ethnic group that wants its own country having its own country. On the other hand, the government has never treated the Tamil people equally or fairly in Sri Lanka. Over the years, the war has killed more than 80,000 people, and there are really no good guys in this war.

The Sri Lankan government is inarguably to blame for the disappearance of many Tamils, and the Tamil Tigers, aside from being a terrorist organization according to a long list of countries, are also famous not only for their suicide bombings, but also for their recruitment of child soldiers.

In 2002, after almost twenty years of this on again-off again civil war, the Sri Lankan government and the Tamil Tigers finally signed a cease fire, and everyone was so relieved and so excited and there was some thought that eventually, like, the Tamil majority part of Sri Lanka might have some measure of autonomy. But then in the beginning of this year the war erupted again, and now the Tamil Tigers are on the run and they control very little territory, and the Sri Lankan government has them surrounded and is basically just trying to pound them into submission. But as is the nature of rebel groups, particularly like ones that are suicidally bent on independence, there's not really any "winning".

But Hank, the worst part of the story is that in the last three months, the UN estimates that more than 6,000 civilians have been killed either by the government or by the Tamil Tigers.

And Hank, when there are no obvious candidates for the evil baby orphanage, it's really easy for the international community just to get bored and stop watching. We like to follow news stories that make sense, and when news stories ask us to think hard and make difficult judgments about ambiguous situations, we tend to, y'know, only pay attention to them when someone is slathered in peanut better which, by the way, if you are wondering, is really uncomfortable. My face wants to sweat, but it can't!

So Hank, that's my peanut-butter-faced introduction to the civil war currently raging in Sri Lanka. Let's hope for an immediate cease fire so we can have these insanely complicated political discussions without killing thousands of people.

Just a few seconds, just a--aw.

Hank, when Willie sleeps, he dreams of a world in which all people have peanut butter face.