I have a complicated relationship with the distal portion
Of my large intestine, so known as the colon
I started feeling kinda shitty when I turned 23
And then the pain got worse and worse every day
And the days turned into weeks

I finally went to see the doctor and I pooped into a cup
And then a few weeks after that he shoved his camera up my butt
And the camera was in a tube, and the tube it pumped out air
So that my colon would inflate and they could look around in there

And when I woke up the doctor was looking at my chart
I called his attention to me with a fifteen minute fart
And he said "Son I hate to tell you cause you're probably not gonna like this
But they got a name for what you have and it is ulcerative colitis

And in those seven syllables there's a mess of shitty news
It's likely that you've had your last healthy-feeling poos
It's like road rash on your colon, you'll bleed, it'll hurt
And no one knows what causes it and there is no cure

And yeah your chances of cancer have gone up a bit
But colon cancer's curable if you keep your eye on it
But what's mostly gonna piss you off is how much you're gonna pay
I know you're not insured and you'll probably stay that way

See insurance companies hate to deal with sick folks like you
They don't like taking money from folks they might have to give it back to
And your pills are gonna cost you both your arms and at least one leg
I suggest you go to Canada, get on your knees and beg

Because here the costs are as high as the market can bear
And they can bear a lot compared with soiled underwear"
I sat there on that bed and thought about how I used to like to poo
I thought maybe there was a mistake, how could this be true

I asked the doctor, pleading, begging if he was sure
And if he was how could it be that there was no cure
"The only cure we have," he said, "is to take the whole thing out
And then to get your movements out we install a little spout"

I told him that I'd rather take a thousand thousand dollar pills
He agreed and sent me home with similar sounding bills
Now really all I've learned, besides the importance of fiber
Is that the health care system's more screwed up than a fifty year old Fred subscriber