Lizzie: Hi Everyone. It feels like the 2.5 WPF club is putting on a full court blitz. Full court blitz... that's-that's what that's called, right?

Anyway, to marry, settle down, and start our lives. As if my life has not started yet. My pestering, traditionally valued mother has it cast in stone that I am practically an old maid at 24. But I have done my research! The majority of marriages occur significantly after 25 and they tend to be happier and longer. And the children of those marriages tend to live happier and more stable lives. I HAVE DONE THE RESEARCH!

My mother has never been particularly interested in rational thought. She thinks ghosts cause power outages.

My name is Lizzie Bennet. I am single and that is perfectly okay.

[Intro plays]

Lizzie: As it is no surprise to any of you, my mom has been preparing me for marriage my entire life. I didn't turn out quite as she expected.

Lizzie: [as her mother] My Lizzie is quite the strange one. All that reading, writing, and studying. And that mouth of hers.

Lizzie: And when I was seven my mom dressed me as a spinster for Halloween. A spinster. Yeah, try explaining what a spinster is to your second grade classmates. Who does that?

Charlotte: Mmm, you weren't a spinster that year. You were a witch.

Lizzie: Nope, definitely a spinster.

Charlotte: Why would any mom dress her daughter up as a spinster?

Lizzie: To traumatize her into dedicating her life to finding a husband. Are you not listening?

... So anyway I-

Charlotte: No no that's not it, I was there too. You were a witch and a very loud one at that.

Lizzie: I had an old shawl, a broom, and a warty hag face as a mask.

Charlotte: Yeah, exactly. A witch.

Lizzie: Anyways so I proposed to Rick Collins just to shut her up.

Charlotte: I remember that. That was so cute.

Lizzie: Closest I've ever gotten, according to my mother. I would have married the little bugger but his kickball games conflicted with arts and crafts. I never was kickballer wife material anyway. Which was good because Rick Collins grew up to be kind of a dick. Turns out he got engaged the other day.. and guess who told me.

Lizzie: [as her mother] If Mrs. Collins' dick-headed son is off the market there's not gonna be anyone left for her to marry! (cries)

Lizzie: What she doesn't understand is that what makes me happy and what makes her happy are two very different things. All life doesn't revolve around men anymore! I can get a PhD. I can run a company. I can get one of those crappy mortgages and put myself into horrible, debilitating debt. I mean more horrible, debilitating debt. So you can chill out mom cause I don't need a husband.

Charlotte: But you are still living at home.

Lizzie: Buzzkill.

[Outro plays]