Alex: Harriet cannot be our new client, she works for us!

Emma: And she'll be our biggest success story!

Alex: Emma, we pay her, not the other way around. Don't you see how this would be a terrible business model?

Emma: Harriet is smart and resourceful, she has incredible potential and I will make sure she achieves it.

Alex: Yes. Remind me, who was it that found your smart and resourceful assistant in the first place?

Emma: Me.

Alex: [laughs] No, think harder. Maybe the only one in this office with any actual business sense?

Emma: I've got nothing.

[Title music plays]

Alex: Anyway, if Harriet is your assistant, then by definition, she cannot be your client.

Emma: Okay, I think you're missing the bigger picture here. My coaching of Harriet will only help our business! We win, she wins, the world wins!

Alex: Does the world winning affect our income in a positive way?

Emma: Absolutely! Let me spell it out for you. Harriet is a reflection of me, she represents us.

Alex: Okay...

Emma: She needs to exude the same amount of confidence and poise that I do, and I will get her there.

Alex: Harriet is fine, just the way she is.

Emma: She is a blank canvas waiting to be painted on, a beautiful ship longing for the open seas, a duckling on her way to becoming a majestic swan!

Alex: More analogies do not make it better.

Emma: Don't worry, I will still look for our next big, high-profile, money-making client. Harriet will be pro bono. Didn't you always say you wanted me to do some community service?

Alex: It's not exactly what I had in mind...

Emma: Don't worry, Mr. Knightley! It'll all work out.

[scene change]

Emma: This is all part of the grand plan. The sooner Harriet reaches her potential the sooner, I achieve lifestyle greatness! All Harriet needs is guidance. She needs confidence, direction, maybe some low-lights, a new wardrobe, and she will become the most Emma-approved of them all. Harriet, I will make your life better. But until then... will you bring me my coffee?

Harriet: Here's your coffee, Emma.

Emma: Thank you! Now sit, let's talk.

Harriet: Um, am I in trouble?

Emma: Harriet, you have to stop thinking that every time I want to speak to you, it's because you're in trouble.

Harriet: Oh, sorry. I mean good. I mean okay!

Emma: Better... Are those new shoes? I like!

Harriet: Oh thank you. They're pinchy, but confident.

Emma: That's a great start.

Harriet: A great start to what?

Emma: A better Harriet! As my assistant, I want you to think of me not just as your boss, but also as your mentor.

Harriet: Oh, I do.

Emma: Good! Because you aren't here just to answer phones and do research. You are here to grow, learn, and become the accomplished woman I know you can be. And I, Emma Woodhouse, will make sure you get there.

Harriet: Okay.

Emma: Not 'okay'...

Harriet: Hell yes?

Emma: Hell yes!

Harriet: Hell yes! I would like to know how to be more like you.

Emma: Of course you do. Why?

Harriet: You walk with purpose, and you never knock things over. You're so confident. How do you do it?

Emma: Practice and a great wardrobe. Oh, remember that one.

Harriet: Got it. So, um, are you saying my wardrobe needs more confidence?

Emma: You dress fine... for a fresh-out-of-college assistant. But you have to dress for the life you want, not the one you have. Look into some bold colors, like this one. Structured jackets. Things that say, 'look out world, here's Harriet!"

Harriet: Okay. I mean hell yes!

Emma: There's that can-do attitude I love!

Harriet: Oh, you do?

Emma: Definitely, or else you wouldn't be working here. I see the potential in you.

Harriet: Thank you. It's normally so hard for me to look people in the eye; even talking to Martin made me nervous.

Emma: Martin? Who's Martin?

Harriet: Martin, the IT guy.

Emma: We have an IT guy?

Harriet: Oh yes, he's really smart. Mr. Knightley hired him to install the new high-speed fiber. And if something's broken, he fixes it.

Emma: Have I met him?

Harriet: He's been here the last few days...

Emma: What's he like?

Harriet: He's so interesting. He knows everything about computers and technology, and I think he plays poker every Monday night.

Emma: Professionally?

Harriet: I'm not sure. But I did hear he once won a year's supply of nacho cheese.

Emma: Harriet, would you mind if I observed you for the next day or so?

Harriet: Sure.

Emma: No, not right now.

Harriet: Oh, right. Where?

Emma: Just set up one of the cameras at your desk. Do you think you can do that?

Harriet: I think so. So just leave it on?

Emma: Sure.

[Call from Alex Knightley]

Emma: Go ahead and do that now, and we'll continue this later.

Harriet: Hell yes! Oh, I mean, right away.

Emma: Who's Martin?

Alex: Our IT guy, why?

Emma: Why have I not met him?

Alex: I believe I called you.

Emma: Then please, by all means, go ahead.

Alex: I have come up with a compromise.

Emma: Great! I knew you'd come around.

Alex: You are going to take on short-term clients.

Emma: Excuse me?

Alex: You are going to start counseling people with smaller problems that are easier to fix and we will call them 'consultations.'

Emma: Why would we do that?

Alex: Because it'll open up a whole new market for us: people who can't afford weekly sessions, but they need your assistance for a few minutes.

Emma: You think I can fix people's lives in a few minutes?

Alex: Are you saying that you can't?

Emma: Of course I can. But--

Alex: Great! Then I will have your first round for you next week.

Emma: How is this a compromise again?

Alex: Well, you do what you were going to do anyways, I'll keep the lights on... you win, I win, the world wins.

Emma: Then I guess I should thank you.

Alex: Yeah, that would be nice...

[outro music]