Lizzie: The thing about my mother is that she loves a good panic, seriously I have never seen her happier than when she thought radiation was going to cross the Pacific from Japan and kill us all. Then there's my dad, who's really calm, smart and supportive of us. He likes to spend his days reading, by his bonsai collection. How these two ever got together in the first place, I will never know.

My name is Lizzie Bennet, and these are my parents.

[Intro plays]

Lizzie: What's keeping Mom happy at the moment is that she's decided we can't go over and meet Bing Lee like normal people. No, for some reason Dad has to go over and introduce the rest of us. And he hasn't done it yet. This has been going on all week.

Lizzie: [as her mother] And if you do not go visit Bing Lee tomorrow, we may as well resign ourselves to not meeting him, until Emily Lu invites us to her daughter's wedding.

Charlotte: [as Lizzie's dad] Charlotte Lu is getting married? Why would Bing Lee be at her wedding?

Lizzie: [still as her mother] Because he's the groom.

Lizzie: [as herself] So that's been fun. Oh, and Charlotte, apparently you're going to marry Bing Lee. Congratulations.

Charlotte: [as herself] You know we still don't know what he looks like.

Lizzie: Exactly! But fortunately for this odd couple marriage, there is nothing Dad enjoys more than winding Mom up. I made a chart!

Lydia: Nerd!

Lizzie: Get out!

Lizzie: So then of course when Dad actually introduces himself to Bing Lee, he doesn't, you know, tell Mom. Because that would be the normal thing to do. No, he waits until Mom is so frustrated over him not meeting Bing Lee that she yells that she's sick of the whole thing and would be happy to never hear the name 'Bing Lee' again. And that's when Dad says,

Charlotte: [as Lizzie's dad] Oh, that's too bad. I met him while he was getting his membership at the club, and he'll be at Ellen Gibson's wedding. Apparently, he's a friend of the groom. I told him all about our girls. There is no way to avoid meeting him now.

Lizzie: [as her mother] Ah-ha-ha-ha!

Lizzie: [as herself] Now, she's back on the "Bing Lee, future son-in-law" train. Choo-choo. Thanks, Dad. I do not believe he went over there and talked about us. I can just imagine that conversation. 

Charlotte: [as Lizzie's dad] Hello, I'm your new neighbor.

Lizzie: [as Bing] Hello, I'm a rich, successful medical student.

Charlotte: [as Lizzie's dad] I'm well aware of that. In fact, my wife has sent me to meet you so that you can eventually marry one of our daughters.

Lizzie: [as Bing] Are they hot?

Charlotte: [as Lizzie's dad] Attractive, accomplished, even smart. My Lizzie is getting an advanced degree in Mass Communications, which dooms her to life of unemployment, so she could use a rich husband like you.

Lizzie: [as Bing] What if I'm looking for something more in a trophy wife?

Charlotte: [as Lizzie's dad] Well, her sister Jane is quite the fashionable beauty and would be stunning on your arm. And word around campus is that my youngest, Lydia, is a bit of a slut.

Lydia: I heard that!

...

Lizzie: My sister Lydia is not a slut. Happy?

Lydia: Yes.

Lizzie: So next weekend our family friends, the Gibsons, are marrying off one of their daughters, which serves as another in-your-face reminder to my mom about how pathetically single her daughters are.

But there's hope! Because Bing Lee is a friend of the groom, so now, apparently, he's coming. Cannot wait.

So tune in next time for... Operation: Matchmaker Wedding! ... Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire Med Student? ... Survivor: My parents.

Yeah. I really got to figure out how to end these things. But for now, there's ...

[Outro plays]