Hank: Hello and welcome to Hank and John play FIFA 11.
John: Oh, look at the pitch, man.
Hank: Yeah, it's torn up.
John: It's because we're playing on a League 1 pitch. I brought Manchester United all the way to Swindon Town.
Hank: Arsenal, thank you.
John: Oh. Arsenal.
Hank: I ended up being Arsenal because I wanted to choose faster. They're first, being, starting with A. So, John is now someone who is very bad. You're a very bad team. Swindon Town.
John: Yeah, I'm playing...well, not very bad, just in a lower league. Certainly less talented than Arsenal. So I'm playing Swindon Town, Hank's playing Arsenal, because we felt like the game last time got a little out of hand.
Hank: It was a little lopsided.
John: Yeah, and today while Swindon Town plays Arsenal, Hank and I are going to debate the eternal nerd question of Star Trek vs Star Wars.

(Announcer: This is a very attractive fixture.)
John: I wouldn't say it's an attractive fixture. That's what the guy just said.
Hank: This match?
John: There's nothing attractive about this fixture.
Hank: Okay. I'm worried that it's not going to be as interesting because you're going to suck so bad. Wait, wait...
John: Oh, am I? Am I?
Hank: I thought I was, I thought I was on offense!
John: Oh! My boys, they can't shoot. They're not going to be strong shooters.
Hank: So, just to be clear, John Green is red, I am yellow, I had no idea.
(Katherine: I thought Hank was the red one too.)
Hank: I'm doing so well!
John: Oh, unnecessary slide tackle there up top, if you missed it.
Hank: Why are you so good at the game, John?
John: Oh, my boys just are not fast. So, uh, Star Trek or Star Wars, Hank?
Hank: Uh, I'm Star Trek. And stop trying to distract me! You're a wall!
John: Oh, boy!
Hank: Arsenal's supposed to be red.
John: Um, well, Swindon Town trumps them, Hank, and they're, you know, they're the red, they actually call them the Swindon Town Reds. I don't know.
Hank: Do they.
John: I don't know for sure. No, I'm not familiar with Swindon Town. Look at the crowd! Sparse.
Hank: There's like 12 people. They didn't even show up to see Arsenal.
John: Yeah, exactly. They're like, Arsenal's in town? Still not into it.
Hank: Oh, come on! Hit the...what's happening?
John: Oh, I got a foul. You fouled me.
Hank: I didn't foul you!
John: You did. You fouled Swindon Town.
Hank: So are you on a different side of this debate than I am?
John: I mean, I think that I am less passionately pro Star Trek than you are, but I...it's all, like...the problem with our debates, like people always want us to fight, like zombies vs unicorns, Star Trek vs Star Wars...but ultimately...
Hank: Oh, I was offsides anyways.
John: All of our debates are super nuanced, you know? And very respectful, and it's not like screaming at each other...
Hank: Right. Like, I totally understand people who love Star Wars, I just...
John: Uhhhh...I have to say I don't REALLY understand people who think that, like, Star Wars is, like, significantly better.
Hank: Well, it's a different experience. You are still gonna win this game!
John: I got a corner.
Hank: You know...
John: It's a very different experience, but, like, to me, the Start Trek Universe has just been...for, you know, decades, they've been building it and building it, that's part of what makes it so cool. I guess that's true for Star Wars too, with the books and everything.
Hank: Yeah, if you're into...if that's what you're into.
John: Yeah. The books are really cool. And so...
Hank: Sometimes. Sometimes the books are really cool.
John: I have to say I haven't read very many of them.
Hank: You probably haven't read very many of them.
John: No, you know what, I think I'm going to go ahead and defend Star Wars. Because a lot of the Star Trek stuff is stupid.
Hank: Oh, well thank you so much for that pass.
John: A lot of Star Trek...the problem I have with a lot of the Star Trek universe is that...
Hank: Oh come on! Shoot the ball! Shoot the ball.
John: It relies too heavily on, uh, the problem with Star Trek is that the original series was not very good.
Hank: Right, yeah. Well...
John: No, that's a fact.
Hank: Well, for its time...but yeah, I agree, I do not enjoy watching it.
John: Like, it's not, it wasn't...it was important, but it wasn't good. You know? Like, there's a lot of books like that, you know? Where you can say, well, it was an important book. I didn't enjoy reading it. You know. Like, for me, quite a bit of Edith Wharton. You know? The original Star Trek is a little bit like an Edith Wharton novel, for me. It's like the Ethan Frome of the Star Trek universe. And then you've got all the great stuff, like the Jane Austen and the Charles Dickens. I think Next Generation is very Dickens-ian in its way.
Hank: It is a little Dickens-ian. Agh!
John: I got a corner out of that.
Hank: Lieutenant Commander Worf. That seems like something Dickens may have done.
John: It does. Solid Dickens title. I am not good at corner kicks.
Hank: I am not good at soccer.
John: I don't disagree. Fortunately, I am Swindon Town.
Hank: I mean, I think what we've done, is like put together a recipe for a really uninteresting match. Because it's like, uh...
John: Well, no, no...
Hank: It's like me playing badly...
John: It's close, it's close, that's the important thing.
Hank: But, but...
John: You're not playing badly. Don't, don't go out of bounds. Why'd you go out of bounds? Why do you always go out of bounds?
Hank: I didn't, I didn't go out of bounds! That was perfect. Come on! Where are you, guys? Get to the ball.
John: Oh boy.
Hank: Oh, right off his foot. Tried to chip it over your head, maybe. Oh, come on! Gotta be a goal. Good passing, good passing.
John: Oh, it didn't work out. Um, what I...
Hank: Bad passing.
John: What I love about Star Wars is that the first three movies, well the first two movies are pretty flawless.
Hank: You think? I think...
John: OH OFF THE POST.
Hank: Yeah. I had the vibrating handset here.
John: I thought the first two movies were pretty flawless. What is my yellow card for, for being great? For being a fantastic, for playing way better than I ought to be playing with Swindon Town? Um, you know what I mean? I thought particularly, I mean, the Empire Strikes Back is, to me, one of the 10 best films of all time. But the dialogue is terrible and everything, and I get that, but it's just such a great movie. And the...
Hank: Oh, I can't get through the...
John: No! How was that a foul?
Hank: That needed to be a goal kick. Why wasn't he on the inside of that?
John: That was not a foul. Hank, showing his absolute lack of soccer knowledge.
Hank: Nope.
John: I think that was a cross.
Hank: What happened there?
John: Half time.

Hank: Oh my God, see the problem is that this is not going to be interesting, because there's not going to be a score.
John: Scoreless.
Hank: Because I am physically incapable of scoring. And you have a horrible team.
John: And we're gonna go to 72 boring penalty kicks.

(Sydney: Good night, John, good night Hank.)
John and Hank: Good night, Mom.
John: We will see you in the morning. We promise not to stay up all night, playing FIFA.
Sydney: Yeah, uh, 2 minutes.
Hank: 2 minutes. We have 2 minutes.
Sydney: Curfew is at 10:00.
Hank: Okay. Oh! Right off your face.
John: Oh! You got a corner. That's huge for you.
Hank: I'm better at corners than you.
John: I don't know how to defend against corners. Good job, Swindon Town. You know...
Hank: God, score, you gotta get that opportunity, guys.
John: That's the Swindon spirit. By the way, is Swindon a place?
Hank: Swindon? It's a town. I'm pretty sure it's a town.
John: Yeah. I mean, if it's a place, I'll tell you what, it's a place known for its courage. Because, these boys are playing, like, with the hearts of a hundred men tonight, even though they're playing Arsenal, you know, it's just, it's pure courage, Hank.
Hank: I think Arsenal maybe got really drunk last night.
John: Haha, oh unnecessary slide tackle. And that's gonna be a card. Um, I can't disagree. There was an element of unnecessary slide tackle to that slide tackle. I don't know what the buttons are, man! I'm trying to play defense.
Hank: I don't know how to intentionally do a slide tackle.
John: Well, it's because...
Hank: I hit the shot button, so that's gonna go to the goal.
John: That's okay. You notice, by the way, that the commentators know the names of all the Arsenal players but none of the Swindon Town players?
Hank: Oh, come on...
John: Oh, Jesus. Come on. Barfnoodles. Gosh.
Hank: Oh, barfnoodles...that was on goal, it was just really soft.
John: It was like a caress of the goal. Not really a shot on the goal. Ditto. Also on goal. I don't know if it would have made it there, though.
Hank: Well, good trap, goalie...
John: Had to make sure to go down. Oh, this is definitely going to extra time, which is just a disaster.
Hank: Very embarrassing. Okay, okay.
John: Oh, that was actually a necessary slide tackle. Hank...
Hank: Oh, off the back of the foot!
John: Hank, all you have to do is not, all you have to do is run to the goal and not pass. I mean, just run at the goal and you will score. Oh! I'm away.
Hank: For example. Oh, you're gonna...oh...
John: I mean, I knew I had to get close.
Hank: You forgot to kick.
John: I did, I obviously didn't have to get that close. Nice. Nice necessary slide tackle. I mean, literally, just don't go wide, and instead of going wide, just run.
Hank: I mean, there's all these guys ahead of me!
John: Just run to goal.
Hank: They're gonna stop the ball!
John: You don't, I'm just telling you...hahaha that's a good strategy. You're right, Hank. You know what, continue doing it your way. It's working like a charm. Come on Swindon Town...
Hank: Oh, why...why do you...
John OH SWINDON TOWN!
Hank: With the body. With the body.
John: I just turned off my thing. I turned off my thing. How do I turn it on? How do I turn it on? I got too excited, I turned off my remote.
Hank: Resume match.
John: Do I have my team management...what's even going on? I just, I got too excited.
(Katherine: Oh my god, stop pushing buttons.)
Hank: What are we doing?
(Katherine: Stop pushing buttons!)
John: I'm hitting B, I'm hitting B.
(Katherine: Stop pushing team management. You gotta go to resume match.)
Hank: Oh, resume...yeah. Oh, we missed the replay.
John: Can we get a replay now?
Hank: Oh, man, we need to...one person at a time.
John: You do it, you do it. Oh man. This is just brothers being brothers. This is just top notch goal scoring right here. It hit the post, and then it hit him in the belly.
Hank: I call handball.
John: If there was a hand, it was the hand of God. Alright. We're back on Swindon. Okay.
Hank: Wow. This is embarrassing. I'm losing to Swindon Town as Arsenal. And then I passed it straight into you guys!
John: Yeah, I am, I am indeed not playing, I'm not controlling Swindon Town right now, the computer is. Is there a way to fix that problem? All the buttons I push are for nothing, because the computer is in control of Swindon Town.
(Katherine: And Hank is still...)
John: I repeat, the computer is in control of Swindon Town. It was doing fine, don't get me wrong, but, like...
Hank: I don't know how you turned yourself off.
John: Uh, this is, this is a disaster. Can you...can you do something?
Hank: I don't know what to do.
John: Settings.
Hank: Match details?
John: Alright, just...
Hank: Do that thing that you did before.
John: Just finish it.
Hank: Where the thing came up.
John: Just finish it, Hank.
Hank: Yeah, there it is.
John: Where are you?
Hank: I turned off my controller to get the thing to come up. Okay. Now we're good.
Katherine: Did you just change teams?
(John laughs maniacally.)
Hank: Oh my God, we're so...no, stop doing that. Take your hand away from the thing.
Katherine: Now Hank's Swindon Town!
John: No, I'm still Swindon Town. I can tell because I'm...you just, you have to understand, Hank, this is a historic win for Swindon Town. By the way, we have not done a good job at all of talking about Star Trek vs Star Wars.
Hank: No, I don't think...
Katherine: I don't think you've said anything...except Star Trek...
John: But, like, you have to understand...yeah, I know, he's like, I'm pro-Star Trek.
Hank: I call Star Trek. And you talk now. No, I think maybe playing the game is actually interesting enough.
John: I'm so, I just, I feel so good, I'm so proud of my boys here. They took on one of the best teams in the world.
Hank: I'm gonna have to do a lot of practicing.
John: Tiny Swindon Town. You know? Up against the mighty Arsenal. You know, the boys from London. And here they are... I don't know, for all I know, Swindon's in London. But here they are and, you know, and they're up 1-nil in the 85th minute, there's only 5 minutes of time to go, oh gosh. All I have to do is not give up a goal...
Hank: What are you doing? You ran right past the ball!
John: Which should be easy!
Hank: Did you not think maybe I wanted you to kick it?
John: Oh boy. Oh...
Hank: Why can't you...
John: Get up, Swindon Town...I'm gonna call them all Doug. It's too late in the game for...oh no.
Hank: What happened?
John: Again, you don't score.
Hank: I pushed the score button!
John: I pushed the score button. I actually specifically pushed the button called goal.
Hank: Oh, I'm so bad...
John: Unnecessary slide tackle...and I got the ball back...oh, and huge gap.
Hank: I don't know why I'm so bad.
John: Brutal.
Hank: Sorry, I...
John: Nice moment for a replay.
Hank: Let's just leave.
John: That was not, that was not a good corner. I...
Hank: You're not good at corners.
John: I'm not good.
Hank: Oh my God!

John: Ah, Swindon Town with a historic victory.
Hank: I'm gonna have to do a lot of practicing.
John: I mean, it's truly, it's a great...
Hank: I think I'm pretty weak on defense.
John: Great moment in the history of Swindon Town.
Hank: I would really love to play another game but Mom's gone to bed. And her room is next door.
John: Alright, so we'll take this up again soon.
Hank: Yes.
John: And, uh, thanks for watching Hank and John play FIFA, which we may just rename 'John beats Hank at FIFA.'
Hank: I'm just gonna go cower and be sad.
John: Alright.
Hank: Goodbye.
John: Goodbye.

Swindon: Austin (74')
Arsenal: