Hank: It's a comedy podcast where two brothers answer your questions, give you dubious advice, and bring you all the week's news from both Mars and AFC Wimbledon. John, how are you doing? 

John: ten donors to the project for awesome all of whom or I think all of whom listened to Dear Hank and John so thank you very much. it was a lovely lovely 27 hours in London but I am tired and also I came home at like during Daylight Savings Time which compounded the tiredness. and also as you know Hank Daylight Savings Time makes me extremely angry because it is the stupidest thing that humans do which is really saying something. and so I'm in a bit of a mood. How are you?

Hank: Good. I never really understood how bad daylight savings time was until I had a baby.

John: I know. It's so bad. Well, it's even worse if you have a four-year-old who goes to school and every morning she's just like, why? Why are we doing this in the dark when I should be asleep?

And I'm like, I am completely sympathetic to your issue.

Hank: It's Benjamin Franklin. Take out a hundred dollar bill and. be like this guy or possibly a fifty. I'm not sure.

John: I think it's a hundred. Aren't they called Benjamins?

Hank: The Benjamins, yes. That is what they're called, and that is for that reason. I don't actually know if it was Benjamin Franklin, but I once heard that it was farmers, but I recently asked a farmer friend of mine and they were like, no, we hate it. We absolutely hate Daylight Savings Time.

It's terrible. It messes everything up, especially because we have to get our kids to school. It's not like farmers don't have kids.

John: I would like to hear somebody make a compelling argument in favor of Daylight Savings Time. It's the stupidest. It just it infuriates me. Mm hmm.

And now I'm John. I'm close to close to the breaking point, Hank.

Hank: Let's let's change topic. Do you want to talk about the the elephant in the room? 

John: I will.

Hank: Mostly I just want to know what you think the elephant in the room is right now. Just in general, at any given moment, I'd like to know which elephant you think is in the room.

John: When you say, do you want to talk about the? elephant in the room, my first thought every time is, Putin? He's listening!

Hank: Right now, he wants to know what we think!

John: Uh, yeah. I mean, you're kidding, but you're also not kidding. What is the elephant in the room?

Hank: Our six hour episode of Dear Hank and John.

John: Oh, yes, of course. We released a six hour episode of Dear Hank and John, which included one hour of new content and then five hours of heavily recycled content. I would apologize, but instead I'm just going to say you're welcome.

Hank: You're welcome. And so, yeah, I'm not sure. It seems to have happened differently for different podcast players. We don't know what the problem was, is different lengths, different content.

We did nothing different and nothing wrong and we do not know what happened. If you have some idea what may have happened, please let us know.

John: Obviously, we did something wrong for the record. I don't see it happening to a lot of other podcasts, but we are going to try to make it not happen again. And if this episode is six and a half hours long, then maybe we just need to retire. But in the. meantime Hank, can I read to you a short bit from a longer poem?

Hank: Okay, yes, please.

John: so this is a new poem and it's quite long and we'll put a link to it on the patreon at patreon.com. slash. Dear Hank and John you don't have to donate or anything to see all the content. you can just go there. It's a poem by Kaveh Akbar who's one of my very favorite poets and he lives in Indiana, which I think is just amazing. He's so good for the Indiana art scene.

It's from his poem forfeiting my mystique and this I think is just Gorgeous. I wish I was only as cruel as The first time I noticed I was cruel, waving my tiny shadow over a pond to scare the copper minnows. Oh.

Hank: God. That is good. I like that. I like it when they're real short, too.

John: I know you do.

Hank: It's easier to pay attention.

John: I wish I was only as cruel as the first time I noticed I was cruel is just so good. God. I mean he does that several times in this poem. that level of shock and wonder and anyway everybody. should Check out Kaveh Akbar. He also has a fantastic Twitter where he's constantly retweeting great poems.

So yeah, he's over at at Kaveh Akbar. That's K-A-V-E-H-A-K-B-A-R. Hank, should we answer some questions from our listeners?

Hank: Yes, John, I think that we should. I think that we should do that. I think we should do it well and humorously.

John: You don't seem ready.

Hank: I'm so ready. This question comes from David who asked Dear Hank and John, My job involves me staring at the same spot for hours on end on the chance that something of interest will happen in that spot. I'm very curious. You've made it very vague, but I get it.

Naturally, I find myself getting bored pretty quickly and I need to keep my mind occupied by reading books or listening to podcasts, which I am allowed to do. And then I get home and I see my cat lying in the same spot. for hours, much of the time awake, doing absolutely nothing and seeming content with that. So I'm curious, why do we need constant mental stimuli?

Do animals also get bored? Long live the King David!

John: That is a really interesting question and. one that I don't know the answer to. But the first question to examine is what the heck does David do for a living? I've got two theories.

Hank: Okay.

John: One. he guards the Mona Lisa like if you're a regular museum guard you move from room to room you go from object to object but if there's if you're in a museum that has like one painting that is very very famous that painting always has like a couple of guards. so that's theory one. David is in the Mona Lisa guarding business and then theory two is that David watches a security camera for a living. Right.

Hank: Potentially watches a security camera. Actually, my thought was like candy inspector. Like, like there's a there's a conveyor belt and there's just candy bars and you're just making sure that the candy bars look right.

John: But in that situation, would you really be able to read a book, you know?

Hank: No, I guess not. I guess not. Yeah. I just assumed that reading a book meant listening to one.

John: Mona Lisa Gard. That's my theory. Hank, do animals get bored?

Hank: Uh, animals definitely get bored, yes. And I assume that when. animals are sitting there and they look like they're just staring off into the distance and awake and doing nothing, that they're doing what we're doing when we do that, which is thinking about stuff.

John: Yeah. I suspect they're thinking like, you know what I wish I had? A bird. That I could eat.

Hank: Or like, or like, uh... Back when I had a bird, how could I have done that better? Like that one time I actually got one? Right.

Like I'm just like sort of replaying that, which is sort of like what I do with conversations except with bird death.

John: Yeah, when I actually think about my thoughts, like when I pause to consider what I'm thinking about in any given moment, it's so astonishingly mundane. Like almost none of my thoughts are thoughts that I would be at all surprised if you told me a cat has. Yeah. I maybe have one thought that I wouldn't expect a cat to have per day.

Hank: Yeah, I find it very enjoyable to be like, okay, where am I at now? And how did I get here? I think that it must be similar for animals where they're just. sort of like following the train of thought. But that train of thought requires stimuli in order to have things to think about.

And so if your cat did nothing ever, then it would not have good things to think about and it would be bored and it would be cruel. But your cat has had things that happened to it that day, whether they are, you know, considered by you to be of interest. um and and it's it's thinking about those things and what happened last week too or something i don't know. it's just thinking about stuff. it's thinking differently than we think doesn't have words and stuff but it's thinking about stuff. yeah and i think and the internal the internal life is is an adventurous one. i think that lots of interesting things happen on the inside of people's heads and cats.

John: oh yeah you know that great Eudora Welty quote right Of course.

Hank: Yeah, me? I know all the great Eudora Welty quotes.

John: A sheltered life can be a daring life as well, for all serious daring starts from within.

Hank: Ah, yes.

John: Oh, it's so good. By the way, if you ever want to read a great essay about writing and reading, Eudora Welty's One Writer's Beginnings is one of my all-time favorites. So, if you're looking for something to distract you while you're guarding the Mona Lisa, that is definitely one that I rec-. Alright this next question comes from Jed who writes.

Dear John and Hank, I need some advice. I have a very important guest coming over soon and I need to clean my room in the shortest amount of time possible. However, I haven't successfully cleaned my room in almost five years and it's very bad.

My room is small. It does not have a closet in which to hide things and the walls are plaster so I cannot burn it down. Also, based on my limited knowledge of quantum mechanics, I currently both do and do not have a floor.

Okay.

Hank: It's under there somewhere.

John: Schrodinger's floor. My question is, what is your preferred method of cleaning rooms? Any dubious advice is appreciated. Return of the Jed.

Hank: Um, there's so many, so many different schools of thought. Uh, but I think that it's nice that you can focus on the one room first. Yes. But the, the first thing. you do, 100%, absolutely. what you need to do first is go to Target or your box store of choice and buy containers that can fit in places in your room like under your bed containers potentially like foot of the bed trunk like things. you can get these things fairly inexpensively whether it's like the plastic like basically gigantic Tupperwares or like a piece of furniture that might just look like a piece of furniture but it's hollow and you can throw stuff that you don't want to throw away into them. 2.

Get a garbage bag and throw things away. I just cleaned my office because I have a fancy guest coming to my office for an interview soon and I needed to make this place look really great and I did it in about two hours and I did it largely with the help of a bag of trash

John: bags. Yeah, I think throwing stuff away is key. I just want to point out though, Hank, that Jed has already done the first and most important part of my strategy for cleaning rooms, which first is to wait five years.

Hank: Right. And also before you get started, ask someone who literally cannot respond to you for at least a week.

John: That is a great strategy as well. I clean rooms very rarely, but when I do, I clean them intensely. So I First, try to get all of the clothing that is on the floor off the floor and either into a washing machine or into the pile that says this is going to goodwill or into the pile that says this is going to be turned into rags. for cleaning projects I will never actually undergo. then the second thing that I try to do is get all of the other stuff off of the floor. I think your container suggestion is a good one but you don't necessarily have to go to the container store anything fancy. you can just put stuff in cardboard boxes that you mark with you know. you just write down what's in it And then if you don't open that cardboard box for like six months, that tells you that you're good to just throw that box away.

It doesn't matter what's in it. You haven't needed it for six months. You'll never need it again.

Then the last thing. that I do is vacuum because I'm assuming that you have a carpeted room, Jed, although you may not know given how you don't even know if you have a floor. The thing about vacuuming is that even if a room is not perfectly clean, if it has those vacuum marks, people think it's clean. 

Hank: Yeah, in fact, don't even turn the vacuum on. Just like run the vacuum over the carpet, make the marks.

John: Right, you just need the marks. I think actually you do have to have the vacuum on for it to really, for those marks to really show. But run that vacuum five minutes before this very special guest comes over and they're gonna walk into your room and they're gonna think, Oh wow, this is a person who values cleanliness and then eventually over time you'll disappoint them. 

Hank: They will think this person respects me and my authority. That's right. It's like rolling out the red carpet except it's just the vacuum lines. That's right.

We rolled out the vacuum lines for you. You know that you are a respected guest.

John: That's right. If any of you ever have me over to your house, I. collect vacuum lines everywhere.

Hank: On the walls.

John: Oh my gosh. Hank, I recently was in a house that had fuzzy walls and I could not get over it. What a brilliant idea. Carpeted walls.

That's the future. Oh, God.

Hank: I just feel like I like. I understand carpet. I'm surrounded by it right now in my office. It is a good and useful invention, but it does feel like it increases the surface area of my living space by... several orders of magnitude there like the in-betwe- I don't I probably shouldn't bring this up to the whole world but the in-betweens of the in-between of the carpet tufts I'm just like what's in there.

I'm never gonna know. there's just no way for me to know because it's too much surface area. this is the thing I know about lungs and intestines that if you want to hide things and To increase surface area, the material of a carpet is the best way to do it. And that just means so much more space for stuff to live on. I'm not like a germaphobe.

I'm not like freaked out too much by it, but like it does seem to. me an impossible substance to actually clean.

John: I have to say I followed a lot of what you were talking about, but I felt like the sudden unexpected arrival of lungs and large intestines was interesting.

Hank: Basically, your large intestine is a carpet. It's carpeted.

John: Yeah, there you go.

Hank: That's all I'm going to say. The body's carpet.

John: Our next question comes from Adam, who writes, Dear John and Hank, When we eventually discover life on another planet, but it's not what we would call intelligent, like it's microbial or something, then what? How do you compute a sum, Adam? That's good, Adam. That's a great name specific sign of you, Adam.

Hank: Oh, I didn't even get it until you said it out loud.

John: Adam.

Hank: I, how, what, what, first of all, that's extremely exciting. Second, it's probably what will happen.

John: Right, we're not gonna encounter aliens.

Hank: So the Earth was, yeah, the Earth was that for like half of the amount of time there has been life on Earth. So billions of years it was just, just microbes. And it was a stinky, gross, sludgy, slimy, place full of one-celled things. and uh and that's if I could go. back and look at earth back then just like my intestines as long as I had just a carpet as long as I had an environment suit and a way to get out. um yeah do it. I want to know about that weird old life and what we know from fossils is is a lot but it's certainly not anything like what we would know if we were able to examine it directly And I think that we would do our best to study it in a non-invasive way.

I don't think that it would be particularly useful. Maybe it would be. Maybe we'd find a way to like dehydrate the whole thing and be like, now you're fuel.

But probably not. And what we would? The the main thing that we would find is like unlike the other ways in which life evolves Because we won't we kind of only have the one way that life was created here on earth as far as we know. and to have you know a second data point would would be Infinitely valuable and fascinating to see the evolutionary history of another ecosystem.

John: Yeah, I agree. I would prefer any alien. life to be single-celled because If it's much more complex than just microbial life, I think it will be more complex than us. And then I think it will treat us the way that we would treat microbial life.

Hank: Well, here's something to keep in mind, John, that the vast majority of humans are killed by microbes.

John: Oh, believe me, I am aware.

Hank: So, uh, so be, be worried. about microbes. Just because they're little and don't think much of us and don't think at all doesn't mean they won't kill the heck out of our entire species if they get a chance.

John: I am very worried about microbes. Yes, that's my number four worry, I would say. It's definitely in my top ten. I spend a lot of time worrying about microbes.

They are everywhere.

Hank: Yeah, mostly they're just fine and not doing much, but I I've read a couple of books in which humans and alien ecosystems end up infected and it's it's an interesting thought process because of course like the way that microbes on earth exist is that like they have coevolved with our immune systems and so they have to figure out ways to overcome. our immune systems and most of them can't even start to try to do that which is why so many microbes are just are sort of a positive part of our bodies but On another planet. there are sort of two schools of thought. One is that like none of these microbes would have any idea how our immune system works and so they would not be able to hurt us at all. The other is it's so different. It's so deeply, deeply different that our immune system would have no idea what to do and the microbe would just consume us like food.

John: Mmm. That's always been how I wanted to go out.

Hank: This next question comes from Stephanie who asked, Dear Hank and John, my name is Stephanie and I'm a student at the University of California, Santa Cruz. The dining halls at my university only allow you to take one piece of fruit or one dessert to go. To help enforce this policy there are signs posted which say something to the effect of stealing food hurts everyone. Is this true?

Does taking snacks to go impact the cost of operations and therefore the cost of attendance? of the university? I would imagine that the answer would be yes if the food was going to waste and being taken in large quantities. But when I take something, it's most likely because I didn't have the time to sit and eat it.

However, I don't know if this is for sure the norm. Banana slugs, Stephanie.

John: Do you know why Stephanie signed off banana slugs?

Hank: Because that's the mascot of the University of Santa Cruz or California at Santa Cruz?

John: That is correct, yeah. They have an amazing seal for the university. I don't know if this is their official seal but it just says UC Santa Cruz and then there is a banana slug reading a book and the book just says Play-Doh. So I assume that it's... 

Hank: It's a good old one.

John: I mean, I assume it's the dialogues, but it's not stated outright. I think that this is a dumb rule.

Hank: I don't know, so here's my perspective, John. As with everything in life, this, as with every dumb rule that I find annoying, it exists because someone was doing the wrong thing and they knew it. So someone was taking like 80 desserts and. taking them back to their room and hoarding them or selling them or doing something like finding some way to game the system in a way that was like fine we have to start a rule now.

John: right right there was somebody with like essentially an apple store but not where they sold imax where they sold actual apples out of their dorm room. they stole from the cafeteria and then the Government of the school had to be like oh god I guess we have to make a rule. but the short answer Stephanie is in my opinion as long as you are violating the letter of this law but not the spirit of the law I think it's fine because the truth is you pay a lot of money to go to college and the reason that college is expensive is not because of apples.

Hank: No I would not say that it's the apples and I would not say that it's whatever the desserts are. And I feel a little bit slighted that I don't know what the desserts are. I can't really remember what we had at my college cafeteria, but I don't think that we had. good desserts. We did have fruits though, and I never ate those because that's ridiculous.

Who's eating fruit in college?

John: I would estimate that I ate 500 pounds of Lucky Charms in college. I ate Lucky Charms with every meal.

Hank: Two fruits, like two whole fruits.

John: No, I mean, I didn't get scurvy because I was eating Lucky Charms, which is fortified with vitamin C. I didn't need to eat fruit.

Hank: Yes, zero fruits. I probably had two fruits in college.

John: I would estimate that I hate, I mean, I'm not a person who chooses to eat fruits and vegetables, just ever. Hard stuff.

Hank: The question is, do you count the filling in the Pop-Tart. Cause? in that case, I probably ate a bunch of fruits.

John: Oh god, I ate a lot of Pop-Tarts in college. I recently had a Pop-Tart, Hank, and I used to just eat them raw, right? I wouldn't toast them. I would just eat them.

Sure, of course. I recently had a Pop-Tart. When I was finishing Turtles All the Way Down, I spent five days alone.

Not recommended. as part of that I didn't leave the little building that I was in almost the. whole time and so I had to eat kind of whatever was there and I ate a Pop-Tart and it was so and I apologize if in the future Pop-Tart sponsors this podcast because I will absolutely shill for them. but the Pop-Tart I ate in Michigan while I was finishing Turtles all the way down was so bad. it was so bad that even though there was no other food I was like I'll wait till tomorrow to eat.

Hank: I disagree with you. I still love Pop Darts.

John: Oh, God, they're awful. I mean, they taste highly processed. And this is coming from someone I like to eat food in bar form. I almost I would be very happy to eat exclusively bars for the rest of my life.

Zone bars, noted Dear Hank and John sponsor RX bars, which I do genuinely love, power bars. There's a character in the Douglas Copeland novel Microsurfs who at a certain point in the novel becomes extremely stressed out and closes his door and will only eat food that can be slid under the door. I would do very well only eating food that can be slid under a door because.

I love a good flat food from garlic naan to zone bars. I like a good But that food, I would be fine with that, but Pop-Tarts are disgusting. 

Hank: I like them. Maybe you didn't have a good flavor.

John: No, I had the strawberry frosted flavor, the kind that I ate all the time in college. Yeah, I don't know.

Hank: I don't love the frosted. It's a little bit like if you sugar coated sugar. Right. It seems unnecessary. to have turned it all the way into a sweet tart. but I do like the non-frosted strawberries still and we very occasionally will buy those. but in college I bought them so regularly that I was they and and for a year of time there was a happy face on the side of the pop-tart box just like our yellow happy face and I

John: had a

Hank: whole, my wall was covered in these yellow happy faces because like I guess I wanted to prove 

John: what

Hank: an aficionado I was. Like the level of enthusiasm I had for pop tarts.

John: I love that. That's brilliant. It's like how some people in college have huge collections of beer cans and you're like, yes, that's very impressive. I see that you've drunk a lot of beers, but it's for pop tarts.

While we're on this topic. You know one other thing that hasn't held up for me that I loved in college? Taco Bell.

Hank: Oh, wow. I mean, I guess I haven't grown up because I go to Taco Bell like once or twice a week.

John: Really?

Hank: Yeah.

John: I mean, I'm lucky if I can eat out at all once or twice a week. That's impressive to me.

Hank: I don't know that I would call Taco Bell eating out.

John: Oh, I absolutely would. I mean, any place. That is not my home where I eat dinner with my children is eating out. Absolutely.

Hank: Oh, I'd not like my children. My oren is never there. No one. I am always by myself when I go to Taco Bell.

Taco Bell is exclusively a. I am starving and on the way somewhere food, but I like it.

John: All right. I think it's great. I think it's great. Hank, that reminds me that today's podcast is brought to you by Taco Bell.

Taco Bell. Hank loves it.

Hank: It's on the way. This podcast is also brought. to you by Guarding the Mona Lisa. Your eyeballs are gonna fall out of your head, but at least you got this podcast.

John: To listen to. It's true. And of course today's podcast is also brought to you by Banana Slugs. Banana Slugs, the leading mascot slug in American universities, I believe.

Hank: Probably the leading slug in this podcast. is additionally brought to you by AFruit, the one fruit that you ate while in college. We also have a Project for Awesome message from Rebecca in the UK. Who says, to all of the wonderful people who spend their lives trying to better educate and inform my generation, thank you. I appreciate it beyond measure.

Hank and John, that includes you guys. Without the wonderful things you create on Vlogbrothers, Crash Course, etc., I wouldn't be anywhere near as well informed on current events. That's great, thank you Rebecca, and I appreciate you so much for thinking about educators and teachers. as a young person, which I did not do enough when I was that age.

John: No, God, I didn't either.

Hank: I did not appreciate what the gifts that were being given to me.

John: I was so terrible to my. teachers. I've expressed this regret to them each in person, except for the ones who died before I had a chance to. But I it's like I thought that teaching me was a privilege. like aren't you lucky that you get to spend 50 minutes every weekday with this jackass? 

Hank: that sounds about right.

John: yeah i mean i wish i could. yeah That's all I can say about my high school self. I'm not proud. This next question comes from Natalie who writes, Dear John and Hank, John, at what point did you know your novel would be translated into different languages and did you get to choose which languages you want your novels to get translated into? Hank, we'll- An absolutely remarkable thing which is available for pre-order now and comes out September 25th be translated into different languages.

Will you keep the same cover for different languages or choose different ones? I have no idea what I can use as a name specific sign-off, Natalie. This is an interesting question and it is a world I did not know much about before I became an author.

Yeah.

Hank: No, I had no idea. This was, and even this was. all very new to me as I was doing it. I did not understand, I did not understand how this works. And now I do.

John: The first thing Natalie is that I don't get to choose what languages my book comes out in. I would like it to come out in all the languages, all of the world's languages. But many languages only, you know, they only publish a certain number of books. Some have quite small publishing industries.

And so for years, my books were published in a few countries some of them successfully some of them unsuccessfully. but then when The Fault in Our Stars came out suddenly my book was in like 50 languages which was incredibly exciting and I love having all of those covers. and even though I can't read any of these books seeing all of them and I love getting great questions from my translators and I have built relationships with some of them that are more than a decade old now. so it's a really cool part of publishing and in some ways it's my favorite part because I also don't have to do any work.

Hank: Well, you know just it's I. didn't even know that you Would sort of field questions from translators to be like yes And this this is what I kind of mean here right like? obviously like you're not gonna translate this directly So like you're gonna have to get at this feeling somehow right?

John: I love those conversations. I also find that my translators are Such good readers in general to be I think to be a translator. You have to read so carefully and thoughtfully. It's a real It's a real talent and the people who are brilliant at it can in some cases I think make your books better. like I don't I don't read German or Dutch But I know from the reviews that my books must be better in German and Dutch than they are in English.

Hank: And the the different covers is also interesting. so there's different publishing companies in different countries and each publishing company kind of seems to decide what the cover is going to be. and they're Like. I sort of got an email that was like, the UK publisher would like to use the same cover as the US publisher. They like that cover. They want to. use it.

And I was like, that was maybe not going to be the thing, I guess, because sometimes UK covers are different. And so that is the decision of the publisher that they decide and the publisher decides, like always decides what the cover is. Authors oftentimes get no say over what their book cover is.

I got more say than the average, but like ultimately it's not my decision.

John: Right. It's certainly not your decision when it comes to foreign language covers, but it's also not really your decision usually when it comes to English language covers. Almost all publishing contracts have it written in that the author does not get to decide the cover because, well, from the publisher's perspective, authors are often quite bad at that. But also it can be a big fight. it is often a big fight in publishing.

Hank and I have both been really lucky in that. I think we both like Our covers but that doesn't always happen.

Hank: Yeah, yeah, definitely not and I haven't always.

John: I haven't always liked my covers. to be honest There's there's I think there's some some duds out there But I like all of. them currently and I even the foreign covers that I don't like. I'm always fascinated by And some of them I love. The Swedish covers of my books. In fact, we'll put a couple of the Swedish covers on the Patreon at patreon.com. slash Dear Hank and John.

The Swedish covers are amazing. The Swedish cover of Turtles All the Way Down might be the greatest single image I've ever seen in my entire life. I love it.

I want it. Like if I ever get a tattoo, it's just going to be the Swedish cover of Turtles All the Way Down.

Hank: And getting like and the fact that you get different covers for different editions is really exciting to me. like because I like the experience of excitement and joy I got when I was like. this is the cover of the book. I'm gonna get to have that other times not like maybe exactly the same because you know it will be less sort of like the emblematic cover in my life. but I'm gonna get to experience like basically artists creating art based on a thing that I made which is that's great. That's one of the. great feelings and also is one of the great feelings of being you know an internet creator. when people make fan art is just like so inspiring and and like humbling to be part of other people's artistic process.

John: Yeah, I totally agree. Alright Hank, we've got to answer one more question before we get to the all-important news from Mars and AFC Wimbledon. Big, big AFC Wimbledon news this week that I was there to see in real life.

Hank: Okay, our last question. I'm going to do a serious one, John. We've got to get some serious ones sometimes. This one's from Veronica.

I mean, stop. a little bit more. My boyfriend broke up with me last week. We had spent the better part of a decade together and he saw me go from an insecure high school student all the way to a kick-ass high school teacher.

Congrats, Veronica. I get that he doesn't love me anymore and that there's no use forcing anybody to be with a person they don't want to be with. However, his breakup isn't just about us.

His family practically raised me. They asked me to come over for Sunday dinners when he's. not there. Is that weird?

Can I still be afraid Veronica, yeah, that's rough, man.

John: That's rough. That's hard.

Hank: Yeah, I think that like so you're gonna want to ask yourself some questions And you may want to ask your ex some questions. you may want to ask the family some questions. I think that the like the main thing and it doesn't seem like this to me But the main thing is like you aren't hanging out with these people because you're trying to rekindle the relationship you're trying to bring it back or trying to like Like keep yourself in that person's life. So maybe they'll see you and what. like you you do want to move on and you don't want this to be a Barrier to moving on into other relationships and into it like this new part of your life. That's not gonna have this person in it romantically, but it does sound like these are People who matter a lot to you and so as long as that's it's not about that to you and they're not in some way trying to like Insert you you back into your ex-boyfriend's life which is a. thing that I've seen families do where they're like he made a bad decision so we're gonna try to make him undo it. as long as they're not trying to do that and you're not trying to do that and this is about you maintaining relationships external to that like how you're feeling about your boyfriend then I think it's okay. it's just something to be conscious of and careful with.

John: yeah I think it's hard and I think you might find yourself needing to take a few steps away for a while just to understand what the new reality is going to be and get used to this new normal. I remember when my longest term relationship that wasn't with Sarah ended. What was really, really unbearably painful to me was the thought that this family that I had really become a part of, I wasn't going to be a part of anymore. And that was it was devastating.

It was really, really difficult. And I still miss. I still miss that family and think very highly of them and you know, hold them in my thoughts.

But for me, I felt like I couldn't continue that that relationship. because I didn't want to be you know, I didn't want to be in the way in the way of their life as a family. But it was really difficult. And I think it varies from case to case.

And I think you've got to, as Hank said, kind of keep in touch with yourself more than anything and understand what you're what you're going through and what you need. Hank, one last thing before we get to the news from Mars and AFC Wimbledon. Mark wrote in with a very important correction.

Dear John and Hank, I was excited to hear my part of the world mentioned when John commented that JohnGreen.com was owned by a realtor in southern Mississippi. I decided I would go to this website, research the realtor, and appeal to him as one South Mississippian to another. I would request that he, John Green the realtor, consider relinquishing JohnGreen.com to its more appropriate owner, John Green the author.

I'm not sure that I'm actually the more appropriate owner. He is as much a John Green as I am But anyway to my surprise and chagrin John Green the realtor is not a South Mississippian, but. a God a South Tennessean.

Hank: Come on, John.

John: I mean as somebody Whose grandmother is from Tennessee. I should have known better. I should have done better. not since the The disaster of Benjamin Harrison, have I so disgraced my family. I apologize.

Thank you, Mark, for the correction. And thanks for listening from South Mississippi.

Hank: Well, what a disaster, John, you big liar. It is. So that's basically very close. Memphis is close to North Mississippi?

John: I believe that is correct, but. Not going to stake my entire future on it.

Hank: It appears that John Green, the realtor, is representing some very nice homes.

John: Oh, really?

Hank: Yeah, this one's, you know, in Collierville, Tennessee, $550,000. Single-family home, four bedrooms, two baths.

John: And that is right on the Mississippi-Tennessee border, Collierville.

Hank: It is. Wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

John: I was close. Not that close.

Hank: I mean, I do have to say, John, that I don't want to judge John Green by looks. Oh, this is a nice home. But I might think that he's probably retiring soon.

John: Oh, so I might be able to make a play.

Hank: Like, I wouldn't be surprised if that guy might not be a realtor in. five years.

John: OK, well. I mean, I don't know. He's got a thing called MyJohnGreen.com. He's got a lot of stuff going on on his site.

I don't want to get in the way of it. It used to have an animated GIF of a shamrock slowly rotating, but this website has made some huge progress in the 18 years that I've been tracking it. Hank, before you get to the news from Mars, the news from AFC Wimbledon... is great.

I went to an AFC Wimbledon game. it was so much fun. it's always so much fun to be there. I love I love that community. I am so grateful to them for including us in in the life of their football club. it was. it's always so wonderful to be there. if you go to a game and you tell anyone around you that that you're a Nerdfighter or that you listen to our podcast or anything like that they will be so welcoming. it's really really a wonderful experience. if you're in London on a Saturday I really encourage you to find a way to get to a game. it's just a really special place I was. there with 10 Nerdfighters and Rosianna and it was pretty tense because AFC Wimbledon are at this point I think it's safe to say in real danger of being relegated which is terrifying and it's been a rough season. and we were playing Oxford United a game a team that traditionally we have struggled against. however AFC Wimbledon won that game two to one.

Lyle Taylor the Messi from Montserrat the greatest I would argue forward in the history of Montserrat's national team scored a penalty and then there was a equalizer from Oxford at right before halftime and it looked. it just looked to me Like one of those games that was going to end up a draw. but then in a goalmouth scramble John Mead's the left back found a way to get the ball in the back of the net and AFC Wimbledon won that game two to one a Huge huge win. I mean if we stay up, I think we are going to look back on that win and think hmm that might have been the one that did it because we'd be in the relegation zone if we'd lost that game instead we are. in 18th place on 41 points. it's going to take 52 points to definitely stay up. so that's 11 points from our last 10 games. it's going to take maybe only 50 points to stay up if we're lucky which would be three wins from our last 10 games. so it's still very much. There's still a lot of danger.

Let's put it that way. There's still a lot to worry about But it certainly looks a heck of a lot better than it did five days ago.

Hank: When you when that goal was scored, what was it? What was the feeling? what did you? What was it like John?

John: The moment the second goal was scored it was a feeling of utter joy and excitement and lots of high-fiving. and then we settled in for 15 minutes of unmitigated terror.

Hank: Right because it's not like you scored in like minute 90.

John: You're desperately clinging to a right a lead that you kind of know you sort of have to hold on to not just for the sake of the game, but for the for a broader season long cause. And that was very stressful. And you could really feel. it in the stadium. Like the energy went from like, let's roar this team on to success to. let's try to sing, but they're probably going to hear the nerves in our voice. 

Hank: Everybody just be very quiet and cut your beards tightly.

John: Yeah. Yeah, every time George Long would go to take a goal kick, he would sort of fake jog toward the ball. And even though I knew he was fake jogging and I knew he was actually walking and trying to kill time as best he could, even then I still found myself saying, take your time, George, take your time, take your time. 

Hank: Oh, that's an intense 15 minutes, John, just of like. being like, be a slow, do some real slow soccer.

John: Well, I did at one point point out, I mean, it's a small stadium, so I genuinely believe he could hear everything I was saying. I did at one point say to him, you know, you haven't gotten a yellow card for time wasting yet, which means that in my opinion, you have not yet wasted enough time. 

Hank: Oh, man. Oh no, good sports been like, very sports been like.

John: What's the news? from Mars?

Hank: The news from Mars, I mean, I always feel like I'm just over talking about SpaceX, but Elon Musk is saying that they will have their BFR rocket headed to Mars by 2020, so they'll be testing this thing, they've just started testing this giant massive rocket, and they'll be testing it. 2019 and And then they will be sending things test missions into orbit around Mars by 2020. This is very good news for for our bet. for me It's still I would say the outsidest of chances. yeah, and I don't know what I was thinking as as a as years continue to pass I Continue to realize I'm a dummy but They are also looking at using this system to travel on Earth very quickly. Have you heard about this?

John: Yeah, for the Hyperloop?

Hank: No, no, that's a different thing.

John: Oh, this is where you can travel from like New York to Sydney, Australia in 14 minutes.

Hank: Yeah, that thing. Yeah. and uh so I guess I guess the more the more we're testing this the the more likely that that will be a thing. uh I would not travel that way I ever probably. but but it would at least need to have been around and doing the thing for as for for as long as it was before like from like the Wright brothers to the 747 before I signed up. but um I I encourage other people to enjoy it. it does seem a little bit um Irresponsibly wasteful to me, but hey, people fly private jets to Australia. And yeah, so it looks like Elon Musk's plan is to be sending a thing into Mars orbit by 2020, which that doesn't seem like outside of possibility considering that he was able to launch that Tesla Roadster out beyond the orbit of Mars. Getting it to the orbit of Mars is a Much different technological challenge, like having the amount of energy necessary to get it. there is one thing, having all the technology necessary to aim it in the right ways to basically hit a dart that is, you know, hundreds of thousands of miles away is a different thing.

John: Well, I think you're trying to hit a dart board with a dart. 

Hank: Yeah, you're throwing a dart and you're trying to hit a planet or something.

John: That doesn't seem that. hard. I want to point out one thing, Hank, which is that In the exact same interview where he talked about all of this stuff, Elon Musk also said, and I'm quoting him directly, historically, people have told me my timelines have been optimistic. So I'm not, I feel really, really good about the chances that this podcast is going to be called Dear John and Hank within a decade. 

Hank: The good news is... that I will have held on to Dear Hank and John for a long time. Maybe it was a really savvy move on my part. I also want to self-correct and say that Mars is millions of miles away, not hundreds of thousands. It is also hundreds of thousands of miles away.

But more accurately would be to say millions. And while we're talking about response corrections, here's a response we got. Dear Hank and John, I think the world being your oyster means that the world is the place you live and are created and formed and that turns you into a dope Pearl, you are welcome, says Olivia.

Sure, so I guess I am the irritating grain of sand in the world that the. world polishes into something that is a little bit nicer.

John: Or doesn't, I mean a lot of times it doesn't become a pearl.

Hank: Or yeah, I mean sometimes the oyster just dies.

John: Thanks for podding with me, Hank. It's been a pleasure as always.

Hank: What did we learn today, John?

John: Well, we learned that sometimes the oyster just dies. 

Hank: Hank still enjoys Pop-Tarts I do, but my relationship with them is less unhealthy now than it used to be. Alright, this podcast is produced by Rosianna Halse Rojas and Sheridan Gibson. It's edited by Nicholas Jenkins. Our head of community and communications is Victoria Bongiorno, who also helps to run our Patreon and is going to put up some excellent Swedish covers of John's books on that Patreon that you can see whether or not you're a Patreon supporter.

But we do appreciate our Patreon supporters because they allow us to make this podcast but also that money goes toward things like SciShow and Crash Course and all of the cool things that we make at Complexly. so thank you so much for supporting us and also if you support us you're gonna get our weekly very bad podcast This. Week in. Ryan set the $5 podcast support level over at patreon.com. slash dear Hank and John and yeah that's the. that's the whole thing. the music that you're hearing right now and at the beginning of the podcast is by the great gunnarolla and as they say in our hometown don't forget to be awesome.

Thanks for watching.