Hank: And welcome to Dear Hank and John.

John: Or as I prefer to think of it, Dear John and Hank.

Hank: It's a comedy podcast where two brothers answer your questions, give you devious advice, and bring you all the week's news from both Mars and AFC Wimbledon. John, hey, it's good to see you. Not actually. How you doing?

John: I'm doing well. I feel like we should probably just talk about the elephant in the room, though, you know?

Hank: Uh, is this the one where we're going to talk a lot about the size of dirt?

John: Yeah, that is definitely one of the elephants in the room. I've been thinking that it would be fun to play a game where you and I say we're going to talk about the elephant in the room and then we count to three and then we say what you think the elephant in the room is but unfortunately you kind of headed it off by saying what you think the elephant in the

Hank: room is. I've got another one. I've got another one if you want to do it. I've got another elephant in this room.

John: Okay, ready? One, two, three.

Hank: Putin. Avacando.

John: Yeah, the avocado thing is another issue, but I would argue that Putin is a more pressing concern, at least in my own life. To me, the elephant in the room is definitely Putin, and we need to be talking more about the DC character universe, Hank. Marvel has been absolutely usurped by DC in the last few months. The DC character universe has gone completely Bonkers between Paul Manafort and Rick Gates and Michael Cohen.

I have never seen a storyline like this in my entire life. But let's move on to the size of dirt Lots and lots and lots of people emailed us to correct us About whether sand has a size. sand definitely has a size. We're gonna post Riley's Diagram on the patreon but Riley wrote dear John and Hank.

I'm a graduate student in soils research. obviously we should have just had Riley on as a guest. and in regards to your question about infinite sand I would like to inform you that sand is the mineral fraction of soil that is between Two and point zero five millimeters in diameter when it is weathered to a size below point zero five millimeters 50 microns. it is considered silt and then below point zero zero two millimeters it is clay at least in the United States. while those are arbitrarily designated classifications to describe soil texture I would still say that no there is not an infinite amount of sand on earth. I attached a handy dandy figure for reference and this is a very handy dandy figure. it must be noted. we'll post it on the Patreon, but man, there is definitely a definition of sand and we apologize to our friends and family for failing to understand the depths of passion that people feel toward the size of sand.

Hank: Well, it's important to have classifications when you're doing this kind of science. The other thing that I did not say avocado, John, I said earlier, the last one we did together, the last episode we did together, called a home that was made out of the inside of an avocado and you lived inside the avocado, the Avacadome, because it would be a dome. But I should have said, and I apologize to everyone for not saying this, the Avacando.

John: Oh, no, see, I still think Avacadome is better.

Hank: I don't know, John. Avocado seems like the correct answer to me, and I think that everyone would agree. In fact, I'm just going to go to Twitter right now, and I'm going to ask people how they feel about this, and we're going to report about it later on in the pod. But John, let's move on to a question from our listeners.

John: Sure, Hank. While you're tweeting, I'll read you this question. It comes from Rachel. She writes, Dear John and Hank, My husband and I are going to Texas this week, and there is a Dr.

Pepper museum in Waco. Oh yeah, Rachel, I am aware that there is a Dr. Pepper museum in Waco.

One of the cities we'll be visiting. I say we should go. He says no.

How do I convince him? 23 flavors strong, Rachel. Alright, Rachel, listen up. I assume that Hank is still tweeting, so I'm going to answer this question.

Rachel, do you know what the official name of the Dr Pepper Museum in Waco, Texas is? It's called the Dr Pepper Museum and Free Enterprise Institute because its founder, a guy named Foots Clements, believed so much in the free market that on. top of the Dr Pepper Museum, he inserted this weird free enterprise institute. It is totally worth going.

It is bonkers. It is bananas and also like to understand the history of diet. Dr.

Pepper is to understand the history of the United States in the late 19th and 20th centuries. So I would argue that it is not just like a good idea to go, but it's vital and that indeed no human life is complete until it has visited the Dr. Pepper Museum and Free Enterprise Institute in Waco, Texas.

Hank: I'm right on John's trajectory here. I think that if you are going on road trips passing up things like the Museum of Dr. Pepper is a huge mistake and every time I have gone to a place like this I've been very happy that I did it. I think you don't have to buy any souvenirs or anything. you just want like have an experience. just like I don't care if you care about Dr.

Pepper somebody does and I like to see people enjoying the thing that they enjoy and also to sort of allow that to infect me a little bit. You'll be surprised by. how much you can sort of like allow yourself to just get really obsessed with and interested in something as, let's admit it, trivial and maybe uninteresting as the 23 ingredients in Dr. Pepper.

But hey, it's nice. It's nice to let that happen to you sometimes.

John: I'm not going to push back too hard. I'm just going to note that there are more than 23 ingredients in Dr. Pepper, of course. I mean, there's no way you could get a flavor like Dr.

Pepper with a mere 23 ingredients. There are 23 different flavors.

Hank: Oh, OK. And a number of, and those flavors require more than 23 different ingredients.

John: Of course, not least of all the preservatives.

Hank: Um, John, I've made a huge mistake in that I did not include, and I apologize to everyone, I did not, I included avocado and avocado, but I did not include avocado-orm, uh, so I feel like, I feel like the results are just useless now.

John: Okay, great. Let's move on to another question from our listeners, and please stop paying attention to Twitter. In fact, if I could give you sort of one overarching piece of advice. 

Hank: But I have a. whole podcast now that I need to uphold. Do you want to ask another Dr. Pepper question, John? Because there's more than one Dr.

Pepper question. Absolutely.

John: Ask the next Dr. Pepper question.

Hank: All right, this next question comes from Mary Ann who asks, Dear Hank and John, I had my husband listen to the Anthropocene Reviewed recently to show him the awesomeness that is John Green and how John can take something seemingly mundane and turn it into a beautiful statement about life. Instead, he took it as a persuasive argument for drinking Diet Dr. Pepper. and now my previously health nut husband who hadn't had a carbonated drink besides kombucha in over a decade knocks back a can of Diet Dr. Pepper every time he studies, which is every night. the one who got him hooked, so can he persuade my husband to stop drinking Diet Dr.

Pepper? Much appreciated, Mary Ann the Librarian. That seems unlikely.

John: Oh, that I'm going to try to stop Mary Ann's husband from drinking a completely healthy and delicious Diet Dr. Pepper? You're right. Mary Ann, first off, thank you for being a librarian.

I'm so grateful to all librarians everywhere for. getting books into people's hands and for answering difficult complicated questions from people and for being like one of the last places in the United States where anyone can walk in and be treated completely equally. So, thank you. Moving on.

You're completely wrong about Diet Dr. Pepper. Your husband should be drinking a Diet Dr.

Pepper a night. At least, at least one. I would recommend between two and four myself, but Here's the thing, kombucha is good for you.

It has a lot of probiotics, and I'm not telling you to stop drinking kombucha, but I am telling you that it has more sugar in it than Diet Dr. Pepper, which is a delicious zero calorie drink. 

Hank: You're allowed to have some sugar, John. So this is part of a bigger thing that I've been thinking about. And I don't want to take away from the excellent and organic mention of your new podcast. But additionally, I'm going to bring up this very organic mention of my new podcast in which people have said to me on Twitter, oh, I love Delete This so much.

It's brought me back to Twitter and I'm using Twitter again. And I'm.

John: like, no, that's the opposite of what I want. Yeah, no, but to be clear, I wrote a review of Diet Dr. Pepper for the Anthropocene Review because I want more people to drink Diet Dr. Pepper.

Hank: Right. Yeah, this is not an unintended consequence, it is the intended consequence and should be paid for by Dr. Pepper.

John: I don't know that they should be paying for it actually. I feel like my love for Diet Dr Pepper might be complicated if they were paying me. That said, I would definitely accept their money. Also, if we're throwing out brands I love in addition to La Croix Water, I love Delta.

What a great airline. Underrated. Almost every time you hear about an airline doing something horrible and stupid, it's not Delta.

Hank: That's just the best tagline for Delta ever.

John: Yeah, well they should be using that.

Hank: Like over and over again, what we find is that it's probably better to pay the extra $12 to fly Delta.

John: Alright, this next question comes from Alyssa who writes, Dear John and Hank, what should I wear to Hamilton?

Hank: Oh my!

John: Memento mori Alyssa.

Hank: What should you wear to Hamilton? I mean, do people cosplay? Because that seems like the right call.

John: Yeah, I mean you could go hard Aaron Burr. But I would go George III. I would walk in.

Hank: Oh, interesting.

John: Just wearing robes, capes, and a huge crown.

Hank: Now, I don't want to take too much away from your idea, John, but what if you cosplayed as, like, Kylo Ren? Like, just something completely unrelated.

John: Oh, that's good. That's gold.

Hank: You just walk in and you're just green from head to toe, muscle suit on, like tiny pants, and you are the Incredible Hulk.

John: I mean, it's pretty good. It's pretty good. Yeah, I think it's best. Okay, alternately, what if you cosplay as somebody from the 18th century American story who isn't featured in Hamilton?

That makes it harder to identify. You know, if you're like John Jay or something.

Hank: Yeah, which is definitely something I have no idea what that is.

John: John Jay wrote some of the Federalist Papers. He's the person who wrote Federalist Papers who isn't Alexander Hamilton or Monroe.

Hank: I also don't really know what the Federalist Papers are, but I think that that's probably okay.

John: Good God. Okay. Well, I would argue, well, okay. Well, let's move on.

Hank: This next question comes from Sarah who asks Dear Hank and John. I'm a second year university student and exam season is coming up. I'm going to be super busy studying. How do I eat healthier than Pop-Tarts, Timmies, and craft dinner with little to no time or groceries?

Any easy to make healthy recipes. Learning about the brain, Sarah Bellum. Oh, that's a great sign off.

Very good, Sarah.

John: Great sign off. Very good.

Hank: What's a Timmy? Hank, what's a Timmy? Should I Google that? Should I Google Timmies?

John: Timmies. I mean, first, it seems from the name like you'd be fine living off Timmies.

Hank: Right. uh maybe Timmy's is. uh is Tim Hortons?

John: oh is it like coffee? it's just like Canadian people refer to coffee as a Timmy because it's Tim Hortons. that can't be true. it is. it does appear to be true. oh my god.

Hank: yeah just just like. all I'm eating is a bunch of Timmy's by which I mean cups of coffee.

John: maybe Timmy's is like a donut from Tim Hortons.

Hank: Maybe I don't know. I typed in Timmy's and the first result is a band and the. second is Tim Hortons. Yeah So maybe they just mean anything from Timmy's and any Tim Hortons item which there must be something healthy at Tim Hortons, right?

John: Hank when you hear about things like people in Canada calling donuts Timmy's or possibly coffee Timmy's that we'll never know for sure. Do you ever find yourself feeling as I do a desperate urge like this desperate deep desire to just become Canadian just to like wake up tomorrow and like not have to like learn the culture and like go through the rigamarole of immigration and in my case probably extra rigamarole due to having been denied entrance to Canada in 1995. Do you ever just like want to like go to bed and wake up and be like, oh, I've lived for the last 20 years in Canada and my kids are in Canadian schools and everything is great and I have health care.

Hank: I've been Canadian the whole time!

John: It's exactly like, oh, the rest of it was a dream, that whole weird stuff about having to participate in the DC character universe, that was all a fiction and I have been Canadian this whole time.

Hank: Yeah, and. then we wouldn't have to be like, what the frick is a Timmy? And is it healthy or not? We have no idea. I when I was in college so as to actually answer your question when I was in college I would make what you call Kraft dinner Kraft macaroni and cheese and I would put other things in it like cut up ham or beans. that doesn't make it healthier that that felt like it was healthier because there was protein and not just carbohydrates and and uh skim milk.

John: well what i would recommend is a related thing called a macaroni scramble and you can put some proteins in there if you want but you can also put tons of vegetables in it. i've made it with green beans i've made it with uh green bell peppers and all you really like you genuinely can just like you don't even have to cook them. i mean you probably should cook them technically but like yeah i just throw it all in there together and i let the like you know let everything boil together. Sometimes I do it with a little bit of onion, which I know. is gross, but that's just, that's... Oh no, that's great!

Hank: Yeah, Katherine calls this dish that you are describing Fancy Mac. Fancy Mac! Where you make, in one pot, you make the Kraft Macaroni and Cheese, and in a pan, you throw a bunch of stuff, and that can be like, like fresh vegetables, or it could even be like, the, like frozen vegetable thing from the... frozen section and you just dump it in there and you put like a bunch of spices into that and then you mix the two together and you got fancy mac and it's like macaroni and cheese but there's some fresh something in it.

John: Right, I actually, I do that but I do it grosser because I do it all in one pot. I don't do the pan.

Hank: Yeah.

John: I just let it boil. Whatever. I mean, the truth is when you're in that situation and you're studying like, you know, you're studying neuroscience and Just get through it, man. Don't worry too much.

Don't worry too much about what you're eating. Just do what you need to do to get through it.

Hank: Yeah, Katherine and I would often, when we first lived. together, would just like onions, chicken, peppers, and oregano salt and mix that together with whatever boilie noodle dish you could find, whether it was Lipton meal or Kraft or whatever. And we did that for a solid year or two years of our relationship and it sustained us just fine.

John: Alright Hank, let's move on to geopolitics, our area of expertise. Having covered cooking.

Hank: How did this happen? 

John: Let's move on to the other thing that we know a lot about. This question comes from Kate who writes Dear John and Hank, Why is it that other nations like Russia and North Korea quote flex their muscles by testing huge rockets and stuff like that, but I never hear about the United States talking about testing weapons. It's not that I think we need to have the biggest toys or anything, I'm just mildly concerned that other nations are going to bomb us and we won't be able to defend ourselves. Kate.

Kate. I have good news. 

Hank: We have the biggest toys.

John: A. We have the biggest toys. B. If other nations bomb us, we will be able to defend ourselves.

C. We do flex our muscles. Quite a. bit.

Hank: You don't really hear about the US flexing our muscles because it doesn't scare us. Like, when you hear the news about the things that scares us, you don't hear the, like, if you lived in one of the places that might get bombed, you would hear a lot about the U. S. flexing its muscles. And that's, like, that's as simple as the U.

S. taking this, like, $9 billion ship and just driving it another seven miles closer. That's, like, that's the U. S. flexing its muscles.

It's basically like, oh no.

John: I know.

Hank: When the ship moves a little bit.

John: I know that now twice you've said ship, but it... Does not sound that way.

Hank: It's ship. A big boat. 

John: Yeah, I mean you have to remember that the United States has most of the world's aircraft carriers. I don't mean that we have more than any other country. We have most of them and the main way we flex our muscles is by doing Kind of war games we go through and we do these military exercises often with our allies. we do this a lot with South Korea and that it in North Korea is seen as. very threatening and very upsetting and as proof that the United States and South Korea are planning an invasion of North Korea. so I think Hank's right that the reason we don't hear about that kind of stuff we don't do. we haven't done nuclear testing in a long time but we also don't need to because we've done a lot of it. Hank is absolutely right that we don't hear about this stuff because it doesn't scare us and in general especially in a world of personalized news feeds the world that we're living in now almost all of the news that penetrates is news that feels very novel or surprising or concerning because those are the things that we respond to really deeply the stuff that we're more likely to share the stuff that we're more likely to read closely and that therefore is the stuff that advertisers want to advertise on which is therefore the stuff that you know content Producers and content packagers want to show us. so you have to remember that. it's incredible.

I have a really difficult time with this Hank like it's really hard for me to remember that the stories that. I'm seeing are Shaped by who I am and what Google and Facebook and Twitter know about me rather than being like objectively the news.

Hank: Yeah Well I mean that's always to some extent been the case like even you know when the news was a very sort of solidified thing we were talking about it from the American lens and and I think that now we have a more global view of things at least and I'm able to follow people on Twitter who are experts in international relations with China or Korea and have their take in my feed. but that is a choice that I have to consciously make. And, uh, but at least it's a choice that I am able to consciously make, whereas I don't think that it always was that way. It's easy to forget that a hundred years ago, everybody's news basically came from the people around them. So if you lived in a small town in America, like, you got your news from the, like, your preacher and your...

John: Well, or your local newspaper. I mean, there were newspapers, but I understand your point and it's a good one. And I, as. you know, my gut reaction to finding out that the thing that I believed was going to save us all is not going to save us all is to swing as far in the other direction as possible. And that is probably not the right gut reaction.

So you're right. the social internet has allowed us to hear from voices that we weren't hearing from before and that's really important and good.

Hank: Yeah, I think that we have a lot of learning to do regarding how to live in this current world.

John: Oh, is it, uh, is it understatement week?

Hank: That's it, welcome to understatement week here on Dear Hank and John. This next question comes from Moose who asks, Dear Hank and John, Moose here. My friend and I recently had a bit of a dep- a bit of a depressive episode and I'm Encouraging him as a friend to get some therapy and ask his mother to help pay for it. I've spoken to her.

This is an offer that she's made. Here's my question though. I'm so glad that many therapists offer reduced rates for students and people who can't afford more But how do they do? this?

Is there a grant system to compensate therapists? Do they write it off on their taxes? How does it possibly work that all these professional people who need to earn money can so regularly offer their extremely valuable services for rates that are less for rates that are less than what they are worth.

It's a wonderful gift horse and I want to look it in its mouth. Peace. Moose.

This is the first time I've ever seen a moose looking into the mouth of a horse, but there we go.

John: That's good stuff, Hank.

Hank: Thanks. I have an answer to this question because I wrote to my therapist friend and I asked her this question and she said that it's because they like helping people.

John: Yeah, there is occasionally some government funding for some people to get therapy or some health insurance funding for some people to get therapy and that can affect the rates but in a lot of cases it's because therapists feel strongly about their mission and so they take less money. I do think on that front it is the responsibility of those of us who can afford to pay full rate to ask. Therapists what their full rate is and to pay it.

Hank: Yeah, it is. it is a way in which People can make a decision. service providers in this case therapists can make a decision to have a sliding scale to charge more to people who can afford to pay it so that they can charge less to the people who can't. and sometimes that may even mean making less that month than they otherwise would. but But ultimately I think that people get into into that line of work not to get rich, but to make people's lives better. And also if you're in school, oftentimes there are therapists who work for or at the school who can be a little less expensive than finding someone outside of that system.

John: Yeah, or even free, depending on the school you go to. Hank, what is the Avocadome Update? Who is winning? Avocadome or Avocando?

Hank: Well, it's about 75%, 25%, John, so there's a pretty clear winner. And unsurprisingly for me, it's avocado. But Mike Rugnetta asks an important question. He says, well, is it part of a complex of many adjacent live-in avocados?

John: No.

Hank: Which is a good point.

John: No, it. is a dome-shaped home. called an Avocadome. And once again, as is sometimes the case, the majority is dead wrong. Today's podcast is brought to you by Avocadome. Avocadome, clearly the superior avocado joke.

Hank: This podcast is also brought to you by the Federalist Papers. They are a thing.

John: Oh my God. This podcast is also brought to you by Fancy Mac. Fancy Mac, just throw everything in a pot.

Hank: And finally, this podcast is brought to you by 23 flavors, but even more ingredients! It's Dr. Pepper!

John: Sorry, I was having a sip of Dr. Pepper again.

Hank: I was like, did that one just land real flat? No. But apparently it landed nice and fizzy. This next question comes from Ian, who asks, Dear Messers Green, whatever that is, Miss Ears I've been working a four day week instead of five for the past several months now and I really like it, but lately I've been obsessively wondering about one thing.

If you work a four day week instead of five, do you still get a hump day? Or is the time between the second and third days the hump? I know this kind of doesn't matter at all, but I would appreciate some insight.

John: There is no letter E in E in. Oh, it's a great point Ian. Great point.

Hank: Yeah.

John: I mean, Ian, if we only answered questions that mattered, this podcast would have ended years ago.

Hank: It would be no fun at all.

John: Do not apologize for asking your stupid question. The answer is that Wednesday is still the hump day. It's just that you wake up on Thursday morning thinking, I'm in the second half, but oh my god, I'm in the fourth quarter.

Hank: Yeah, I like that. I like that. That way you get to participate in culture as well. Like you don't get to just have your, like everybody still has a five day work week.

I know that some people don't but practically everybody does and you need to participate in the rest of the world along with the rest of the world. so you just need to call Wednesday the hump day. it is what it is. and and then yeah you get over that hump and suddenly it's freaking your Friday.

John: no except that you still have Friday as your Friday I think. so you still have to be like. TGIF because I'm not at work today. 

Hank: Friday is still Friday. good okay Yeah, I guess. You've made everything very confusing. This is why it's so hard to change things, John.

John: Yes, this is why corporations refuse to move to a four-day work week, Hank, because of the hump day issue. That is what's chaining people to their desks here in late-stage capitalism. The hump day problem.

Hank: That it's all the weight of the little things, you know, that's why we're still like in miles per hour in America.

John: That's why You know you can solve that problem. what by waking up tomorrow morning? Canadian Is wakeupcanadian.com available? because if not you Squarespace. to get it use the offer code dear John. wakeupcanadian.com You can use it to sell visas. I think actually Canada does functionally sell visas.

Hank: Uh, yeah, they've gotten more expensive though lately.

John: I mean, whatever they cost, it's a steal. 

Hank: But do I have to pay for healthcare?

John: This next question comes from Satchel. We've solved this problem, Ian. You're welcome. Satchel writes, Dear John and Hank, are books really a window into another world, as we've been told?

Or are they more of a distorted? mirror that reflects our own? Thanks, Satchel.

Hank: Satchel, I think, okay, I think we'll just ask the question and not answer it. I think that was the question asked is doing its work in all of our heads and I don't. I don't think that we need to say anything. we'll just have a five minutes of silence so we can all think about that one.

John: I mean I have an answer.

Hank: okay I feel I feel like I need to take some time with that.

John: my answer is porque no los dos?

Hank: I never speak Spanish.

John: I'm so good at it. when I speak Spanish to my son who learns in Spanish and is fluent in Spanish. when I speak Spanish to Henry he just looks at me blankly. 

Hank: Yeah, yeah, why not both? I think we can have both. It is a mirror into another world and that world is a peculiar and upsetting distortion of our own. Well, not always upsetting.

Maybe it makes us look back at our own world and see how peculiar and distorted it itself is.

John: I don't know, we're going too deep, Hank. We've got to pull out. We've got to pull. out quickly.

Hank: That's why I didn't want to talk about it.

John: Alright, next question. I thought it was a beautiful question.

Hank: Dear Hank and John, I just started a new job and when one of my coworkers asked if I was in a relationship, I said yes. I have a boyfriend. However, that is a small lie. I actually have a girlfriend.

I'm also a girl. It felt like more of a lie to say I was single and I wasn't like ready to come out at my new job. My parents don't even know and we've been a couple for over a year.

Now my co-workers keep inviting my boyfriend to come out to social events for work. How do I get out of this gracefully? pumpkins and penguins anonymous?

John: Oh God.

Hank: I have mostly wanted to ask this question because I want to highlight how it is still difficult to be different in our society.

John: Yeah, it's difficult to be different in our society and also when somebody asks you a question like that it's it. it Kind of almost forces you to share information that you might not want to share at your workplace and there's always. this tension between You know wanting your workplace to be a place where people You know feel comfortable and they can be themselves and they can talk about their lives and they can you know Become friends and have real relationships, but also, you know wanting people to be able to be private if they want to be Mm-hmm. And yeah, I I think the problem comes in when you when you ask the question rather than waiting for somebody to volunteer that information.

Hank: And I don't think that you did anything wrong here. And I don't think that there really is a graceful exit.

John: I would double down on the lie, personally, because that's always my strategy. That's what you do. Yeah. Yeah. 

Hank: Just be like, and here's my boyfriend's name.

John: We broke up.

Hank: But yeah, I broke up with my boyfriend now. I got a new, I got a girlfriend now. That's what happened.

John: You could do that, or you could just say like, Oh, yeah, no, I don't think I said I had a boyfriend. I think I said I had a girlfriend. And they could be like, no, I don't think you did. And you could. be like, yeah, I'm pretty sure I did.

That'll probably end the conversation. 

Hank: Yeah, well, let's agree to disagree.

John: Yeah, exactly. Who knows? I don't think there's a tape. The old deal.

Hank: Just take it, take it like Trump's lawyer. Just be like, really? You think? I don't know.

That's what you say? I say it everything.

John: Right. Yeah. Alternative facts. Just say, Just just just look them in the eye say Shrug and say alternative facts and move on with your life.

Hank: It's not a lie. It's an alternative fact.

John: You have your facts. I have my facts. who knows which facts are true?

Hank: This next question comes from Lou who asks dear Hank and John. I just received an email about opening a confirmation link. I'm pretty sure it's spam and may contain a virus, but It's from Ryan.

John: So should I open it?

Hank: Surely someone named Ryan wouldn't try to lead me astray. unless it's a fake Ryan? What do you think? Your help is urgently needed. Thank you, Lou.

I don't know, John, could a Ryan mislead someone? Can you be a fake Ryan? Is that even allowed?

John: I mean, first off, half the people who. write into us as Ryans are fake Ryans. So we know that fake Ryans are an epidemic problem in our social order.

Hank: I just want to pause here midway through the answer to this question and say hello welcome new listeners.

John: yeah exactly there's this long-standing inside joke that I myself no longer get about Ryan's. one time somebody wrote in and they said their name was Ryan and they they repeated the name Ryan like six times and I don't even know how it became a thing. but it's a thing and There you go, but it doesn't mean that you can trust everybody named Ryan. In fact, I can, off the top of my head, think of several people named Ryan who I don't trust a lick. 

Hank: But, but what if they all woke up Canadian tomorrow?

John: Oh, I mean, are there any famous Canadian Ryans? Oh, of course, Ryan Reynolds. What do you mean?

Hank: All the, all the famous, yeah, both, and also Ryan Gosling is Canadian.

John: Is Ryan Reynolds Canadian? or did I mix him up with Ryan Gosling for the 17 millionth time? 

Hank: Canadian.

John: Ryan Reynolds is Canadian. Thank God. Thank God. That makes me. feel much better.

Whew. I dodged a bullet there. Yeah.

Ryan Reynolds is a really good looking guy. That's slightly off topic.

Hank: You're looking at him on Google right now? You're looking at that jawline?

John: And I'm remembering when I saw him in real life and I was just dumbfounded.

Hank: It's weird when you see people that are so attractive that you're like, oh, I shouldn't be allowed.

John: Even if he weren't famous. Oh, by the way, if you Google Ryan Reynolds Canadian and you Google image search, the first picture is him between two mounties.

Hank: Oh, yeah.

John: For those who don't know, that's the Royal Canadian Mounted Police.

Hank: And I don't like why didn't they just put him in one of those outfits? He could be an honorary mountie for a day and I would accept.

John: The only problem with being Canadian is that if I change my nationality, I really want to change it to a nationality where I have a snowball's chance in hell of getting knighted. Can Canadians be knighted? Because that's my biggest dream.

Hank: Uh, I think they can, John. Look it up.

John: Alright, you answer the next question while I investigate this question. Can. Canadians- Oh my god, Hank. The first- What?

Google's first suggested search to can Canadians is be knighted. the second the second is work in the UK the third is own guns and the fourth is win Powerball.

Hank: oh Also, I want to. I want to report that if you google famous Canadians and do an image search Ryan Gosling is number 12.

John: really who's number one? Jim Carrey oh, I didn't know he was Canadian.

Hank: and then number two is join the rock Johnson which doesn't seem right Cuz he's not Canadian.

John: There's no way. There's no way. The Rock is Canadian.

Hank: The Rock is Canadian.

John: question mark Google? 

Hank: Dwayne's dad is Canadian.

John: Oh, okay. So he has like his dual citizenship.

Hank: That's yeah, he has Canadian blood in him. 

John: Oh Okay, hold on Hank Hank. I have an update. I have an update. The British government accidentally knighted two people in 2001 who were Canadian and the Canadian government freaked out.

The Prime Minister of Canada objected quote in the strongest terms and said that Canada has a long-standing policy that prevents Canadians from accepting titles. Well in that case I guess I'll just move to England.

Hank: That's. awesome and weird that that they had to be like. hey no I have a very. I have an objection to you honoring one of our citizens in this particular way. Find a different way Hank.

John: I just realized that we forgot to read our project for awesome message. somebody donated to the project for awesome to get us to say This which we are now going to say. it was Renee from Brooklyn who donated for us to say this to Kimberly. I would like you to do a shout out to Kimberly. She's been a fan of yours for a long time and she's recommended you to me and we even went to Boston to see you at NerdCon Nerdfighteria. She loves you guys and always watches your videos and it will mean a lot just for you guys to shout her out.

She's a true Nerdfighter. so thank you Kimberly. You are the bee's knees. You rock my socks.

You are awesome.

Hank: What other parts of bees can people be?

John: The eyes.

Hank: You're the bee's eyes.

John: Yeah.

Hank: I'd rather be the bee's wings. That's a nice thing to think about.

John: You're the bee's honey making parts.

Hank: Oh, I don't. I don't know if I want to be an excretory organ. 

John: I think we'll just leave that there. Can move on. Great. Hank, it's time to move on to the news from Mars and AFC Wimbledon.

Hank: OK, excellent. Exciting. John, the news from AFC Wimbledon, I think for once is good.

John: Oh, my God, Hank. I almost barfed. I did, I was so sick to my stomach. AFC Wimbledon were playing against Charlton, Hank at the exact same time that Liverpool were trying to get a place in the Champions League semi-finals against Manchester City and Liverpool had to lose by less than three and they gave up a goal in the second minute. and then I started to feel like I might barf. and then AFC Wimbledon. it's almost worse for me when AFC Wimbledon are winning than when they're not. in the last minute of the first half in stoppage time the Montserratian Messi, the Ronaldo of the Caribbean Lyle Taylor scored a goal to put Wimbledon 1-0 up which meant that for the last 45 minutes of that game I had to feel constant terror.

I've started to believe that it's bad luck for me. to watch the live stream of the games on my phone on the app that I paid a lot a lot a lot of money for. so I was listening to the radio broadcast while watching the second half of the Liverpool Man City game and oh my god I mean even though Charlton never had a shot on target I was in constant gnawing fear that at any moment Wimbledon were going to give up this lead. but they didn't. there were six endless minutes of stoppage time but Wimbledon emerged with a 1-0 victory and after their 1-1 draw against Skunthorpe which was very close to being a win and if that had been a win we'd be in great shape. but that means that now we have 46 points with five games remaining meaning that we are six points probably from having enough points to stay in league one for another season. we need to win two of our last five games to probably maybe one win and two draws would do it. maybe one win and one draw would do it. it's hard to know but we are four points clear of the relegation zone right. now however one of the teams in the relegation zone has a game in hand against us which means that potentially we're only one point clear. if they win that game it is very tight at the bottom of the league one table this season terrifyingly tight. there are still Probably eight teams that could go into those last two relegation spots. the franchise currently applying its trade in Milton Keynes was Briefly out of the relegation zone is now back in it 42 points after 41 games. We've got 46 points after 41 games. So five games to go in the season.

We need two wins two wins. We just need two wins and I think we'll be okay. Oh God, it's so scary.

Hank: At least you're not Burry or Berry or whoever that is at the very bottom with 30 points. That's very true. I don't think they're gonna make it.

John: They are probably gonna be relegated, like officially relegated next week and you want to know why. that's great news for us?

Hank: Why?

John: We play them on the last game of the season.

Hank: Okay, so do you not play them then?

John: No, we still play them, but. hopefully they'll be like, eh, we got nothing to play for, let's start a bunch of 12 year olds. 

Hank: Okay, that is great news. I don't know, I kind of felt like that should have happened with a recent game, but I don't know how it works. I guess everybody wants to be higher on the table even if they aren't going to be at the tippy tippy tippy top. But if you're definitely getting relegated, you might be like, well let's not hurt our good folk, our good boys.

John: I don't know, I'm just hoping, I don't know. This this season has been exceptionally stressful. It's it's much harder. It's much harder to be around the relegation zone for the entire season than than it is to be looking up the table.

Hank: Yeah, I mean. and the other thing is that you very recently had a game where you were up by a point for like for like 60 minutes of the game.

John: 81 minutes. 81 minutes of the game. Will Nightingale scored in the fourth minute and Skunthorpe equalized in the 85th minute. It was excruciating. Oh and that game I was actually traveling so I was in. an airport for a large part of it and I was just pacing and my kids were watching me and when Skunthorpe gave up I was just, it was heartbreaking.

So hopefully we'll stay up. I don't know what else to say. Six points from five games.

Let's go Up the Dons. Hank, what's the news from Mars?

Hank: The news from Mars, it's hard for me for the foreseeable future to not talk about the Mars Insight Lander, which will be launching very soon, but assuming that there will be other episodes of Dear Hank and John, I'm going to save that one and give a double smaller news, which is regarding one. the CEO of Boeing who has said previously that he believes strongly that they will beat SpaceX to Mars has come out with a timeline and says that he thinks that he could get that Boeing could get humans to Mars within a decade. now I don't know if that means the decade of the 2020s or if he means within a decade which would make it very close to our timeline for keeping the name of the podcast Dear Hank and John but In any case, that's great news for me. And also, I think humanity. He also says though, this is a little bit, you know, that it would require, quote, consistent, reliable funding. Which is something that, boy, big projects at NASA very rarely get.

So, that's a- Question mark but it is nice to see while we do not have at the moment that we might end up there a political space race. we've got a bit of a sort of capitalist space race going on here between Boeing and SpaceX and even some other contractors. so there Fightin' the fight, and I want them to. I want them to fight it, John. The other news is that John Krasinski, who is Jim in The Office, has become a pretty hot ticket director these days with a film that everybody liked a lot that I'm not gonna watch because it's a horror movie called A Quiet Place.

But! He's been signed on to direct a sci-fi movie called Life on Mars in which the number of people live on Mars and the plot twist is that one day a woman discovers that she can breathe the atmosphere and That's cool, and I like. Mars movies John.

John: interestingly that Screenplay was based on a short story written by Cecil Castellucci a YA writer who I admire very much. so It all comes full circle. I should add, Hank, that I've been thinking about something recently, which is that, so the first Mars rover was made basically out of Earth, right? I mean, it was made out of things that we got from Earth, and humans are kind of made out of Earth.

Hank: Yeah, yeah. Yeah, Earth and atmosphere.

John: Was the Mars rover the first time that Earth has ever gone to Mars?

Hank: Uh, no.

John: Oh, bummer.

Hank: Well, yeah, the Earth has gone to Mars in like little pieces. So in the same way that we have found Martian meteorites on Earth, there are Earth meteorites on Mars.

John: Okay, well, once we start sending people, maybe it'll be the first time that organic matter has gone from Earth to Mars. Or living matter.

Hank: Yeah, there is that panspermia theory that pieces of life get knocked off of planets and that's one way that life could get spread around the solar system or even the galaxy. The mechanism of that, whether or not that's actually possible, is very much up in the air. And it's sort of hard to imagine life taking very long interplanetary trips in the way that all of those meteorite trips would be. And then also flapping themselves through an atmosphere onto a planet and getting all hot and burned up and stuff.

John: Right. Okay. Well, I was thinking that would be cool, but it turns out that as usual, the way I imagined it is Not the way that it is. What did we learn today?

Hank: John, we learned that a hollered out avocado that you live in is only an avocado if it is part of a complex of many adjacent live-in avocados.

John: We learned that Hank does not want to be an excretory organ.

Hank: We learned that Canadians cannot be knighted and if you try you get yourself in some trouble.

John: And of course we learned that Hank does not know what the federalist papers are.

Hank: Is it that important? Doesn't feel like it could be that important.

John: It's pretty important if you, yeah, I mean it's an important part of American history and American government, but let's just move on to the outro.

Hank: Hey John, thank you for. podcasting with me. Everybody listening out there, if you want to send us questions, that's the only way we can make the podcast. We appreciate everybody who sends in questions and are sorry for the ones that we can't answer. But you can send us questions at hankandjohnatgmail.com or on Twitter.

John is JohnGreen and Hank is HankGreen. I am also Hank. I don't know why I referred to myself in the third person.

This podcast is edited by Nicholas Jenkins. It's produced by Rosianna Halse Rojas and Sheridan Gibson. Our head of community and communications is Victoria Bongiorno.

She's in charge of all the stuff that gets put up on that Patreon at patreon.com. slash dear Hank and John. It's a resource for people who give us money, but also for people who don't. There isn't very much private content on there, and we appreciate everybody who can donate to get This Week in Ryan's in their ears or just anything that they can give, which helps to fund all. 

John: Don't forget to be awesome.