Hank: Hello, and welcome to Dear Hank and John.

John: Or as I prefer to think of it, Dear John and Hank.

Hank: It's a comedy podcast where two brothers answer your questions, give you devious advice, and bring you all the week's truths from both Mars and AFC Wimbledon. John, how are you doing today?

John: Well, Hank, I've just returned from a four hour trip to IKEA, so...

Hank: So like it was like a four-hour drive to get there?

John: Oh, no. No, it's only about 30 minutes away But we spent a long time at IKEA. We there was many things that needed to be purchased. Oh It was a lot.

It was a big endeavor.

Hank: I've never been to one. What I imagine having heard about them is that it's basically like you go in and And then you have to like walk a predetermined path Like there's no like aisles like a grocery store. I don't know if this is how IKEA is, but this is how I imagine it. There's no aisles, it's just like a maze, like a labyrinth that you have to walk through and you just, and then at the end of the labyrinth is the. cashier.

John: You know, that is astonishingly accurate. That is more or less exactly what IKEA is like. The only difference from your imagination in reality is that at the end, before you get to the cashiers, there's this huge warehouse where you have to pick out everything that you want. And none of it is, of course, made.

And so it's all...

Hank: So you have to go home in flat boxes, put in 50 hours of labor with you and your very small Allen wrench. Do they have hot dogs at IKEA?

John: I don't know because the last thing I wanted to do was spend another hour there eating. I will say this though, it is a wonderful, wonderful test of where you're at with your marriage to make IKEA furniture together. It's just a great way to check in on. am I able to cooperate with this person in extremely difficult circumstances.

Hank: I feel the same way about building furniture and checking in with yourself. Like if you can build an item of furniture without a single time screaming or throwing something across the room, you basically are like six steps down the path. to enlightenment.

John: Yeah, I've never. gotten anywhere close to that. I've never finished an IKEA project without crying. And that includes just a few minutes ago when all I had to do was screw four screws into the back of a chair. Still couldn't do it.

All right, let's get to some questions from our listeners.

Hank: That was a very good poem to start us out with, John. It was really touching.

John: Okay, let's get to some questions from our listeners. This first one comes from Tyler who writes. Dear John and Hank, I recently came into the possession of a very significant amount of La Croix. I won the grand prize of their holiday giveaway.

What? which is a year's supply of La Croix. However, I don't know how much of a grasp La Croix has on how much of their product even an enthusiast such as myself consumes in a year, as I will be receiving 100 cases of 24 cans apiece, which of course comes out to 2,400 cans of La Croix. My question to you is this, what does one do with 2,400 cans of La Croix?

I could of course throw a La Croix themed party, but what Activities could? there be besides enjoying the delicious natural essence of La Croix.

Hank: any dubious advice is appreciated Tyler okay, I Wow, okay, so I guess this is like a year's supply of La Croix for a family of four.

John: Maybe?

Hank: no, I like La Croix. But but and I almost came at Tyler for being like are you a true? Enthusiast if you don't drink and then I did the math six and a half cans of La Croix a day? that seems like a lot.

John: I think I could drink six and a half cans of. Actually, if LaCroix wants to send me 2,400 cans of LaCroix, I will right now guarantee you that I will drink all 2,400 cans myself over the course of one year.

Hank: And then you'll just build an airplane with the leftover aluminum.

John: Well, I suppose there is the environment to consider, but maybe I'll just use the aluminum to build a new addition onto my house to hold all of my new IKEA furniture. 

Hank: Additional question, I didn't realize that when you got a year's supply of something, you got it all up front. Like, if you get a year's supply of Snickers, like, do you have, like, an area of your house that is now Snickers? Totally. Like, I buy, like, a week or two's worth of food at a time.

If I have a year's supply of anything, it's gonna take up more space than all the rest of the food in my house. Especially, apparently, 2,400 cans of La Croix.

John: Not only that, but I... I mean, I'm not an expert in food safety. Everyone knows that. But it seems to me that drinking a year-old LaCroix has to be not quite as good as drinking like a freshly canned LaCroix.

Hank: I feel deeply that that is not the case. I bet there is not a significant chemical difference between those two LaCroixs.

John: Tyler, you have to have a series of LaCroix parties. You have to have one every month for the entire year. and you'll become known in your community as the Lacroix boy and it'll be great. it'll be great for you. and then the craziest thing about it Tyler is that when all these parties are over and when you're having the last Lacroix party from your year's supply of Lacroix you're gonna find yourself thinking I want. this to continue just like I did at the end of the Brotherhood 2.0 project I did with my brother and you're gonna go out and you're gonna buy your own 2400 cans of La Croix so that you can continue to be the La Croix boy for the rest of your life. and I for one Celebrate that Tyler. I hope that you have a La Croix party once a month every year every month for the rest of your life And it's not that expensive.

Hank: I'm looking at bulk La Croix and you can get 24 for for just 10 bucks.

John: No, it's $1,000 a year.

Hank: Yeah, you know, you could be spending that, like you probably spend more than that on coffee. The question, no, probably not. Where's he getting his coffee? He gets his coffee at the very expensivest coffee place.

It's called Smoosh Me Coffee and it's got all the best. and there's meatballs too. I lost the podcast notes, John.

John: I'll say. Okay, I'm back. 

Hank: Question, can you turn your La Croix into profit? I don't mean resell the La Croix, but I mean like. maybe it'd be like free La Croix at the. thing that you do where you also provide a service or sell items.

John: That is such a Hank Green way to get rid of 2,400 cans of La Croix. Is there any way that you can skirt the rules in order to accidentally make money?

Hank: You could, you could Also, just save money by saying, okay everybody, I'm having a potluck once a week for you, my friends, free La Croix and I'll also have a bag of chips. You bring food. And then you're getting, you won't have to buy the food as much.

John: That's a great idea. Do you think you'd get tired of La Croix if you drank six and a half cans of it a day every day for a year? Because I don't think I would.

Hank: I assume that they also provided a variety of flavors. It's not just just pamplemousse. It's a bunch and And I think in that case no I would not. I'd be like oh But I would.

I would discover that I had a favorite and I would regret the fact that I had so much Tangerine and I don't really like it that much.

John: I you know I used. to not like tangerine Hank. I I find myself whenever I find a La Croix flavor I don't like. I get it more often as a way of trying to train my palate into understanding why the geniuses at La Croix chose to release this flavor like. obviously they know more about sparkling water than I do. they make the greatest sparkling water in the world. so if they say that tangerine tastes good I need to keep drinking it until I understand that they are right and in the case of tangerine that did actually happen. now there have been a few La Croix flavors. 

Hank: I'm very impressed by your efforts, John. We've talked a lot about LaCroix and I have several other things to say, but I'm going to move on instead. Does that seem like a good plan?

John: Yeah, sure, if you don't want to get a LaCroix sponsorship. But yeah, go ahead, move on.

Hank: This question's from Sarah who asks, Dear Hank and John, I've been watching Eons on YouTube recently and I'm absolutely loving it. It's our show at youtube.com. slash eons. In the episode, The Search for Earlier Life, Blake mentions a quote team. of Japanese scientists found some rocks and the article of their work published showed on screen. What I'm wondering is in the mention of the scientists being Japanese, is that necessary?

Is there something about their study or published work that makes it necessary to inform that the scientists were from Japan? I wonder if this is also similar in literature world to saying like a Japanese writer. Is there inherent racism when mentioning these details?

DFTBA Sarah. In general when we talk about scientific publications, we usually will say, on SciShow anyway, we'll say like a team of scientists from the university of blank because you want to give credit to the people from that university. What I suspect is the situation here, the actual situation, is that it was from multiple different Japanese universities and so we shortened it to a team of Japanese scientists.

John: Yeah, that's possible. I also you hear this a lot with artists like when artists are identified in wall labels or when they're identified in episodes of the art assignment or whatever. their nationality is usually stated and I've heard a few reasons for that in talking to curators about this. One of the reasons I've heard is that it helps people to understand that people are doing work all over the world, that people are making art all over the world. Another reason is that it helps people to understand where there might be more support for the arts.

So one reason you might say a team of Japanese researchers is if they were working across multiple universities in Japan, partly with government funding from the Japanese government. So yeah I'm definitely not an expert about this but I think it's pretty common across disciplines. and when it comes to authors I usually assume that people state nationality as a way of stating the language in which the text was originally written. but I don't know it's always. it's always felt very weird to me when I'm traveling and people introduce me as an American author. I always feel really uncomfortable with that because there's the idea of like the American writer is.

Hank: it's just a little Problematic to me and it for a few reasons, but yeah, let's move on but I yeah, I do like that You know, I think that it's good to say to Introduce that there is. other work going on in other places in the world. because if you just say a team of researchers our brain sort of default to the default and our brain is if you're an American your brain will default to it being American. And that might even be the case for a lot of places. A lot of people might assume a team of researchers means a team of American researchers just because there's an awful lot of research that gets done in America and it's good to spread that love and let people know that interesting things are happening all over the world.

John: Alright Hank, we've got a great, great question from Patrick. Usually I don't enjoy it when people email Dear Hank and John and ask us to do their homework for them, but in this particular case I did enjoy it because I liked the homework assignment. Patrick writes Dear John and Hank, In English class we are learning about fake news and propaganda and as an assessment we have to write a fake news story among other things. The only problem is I have no idea what to write it on.

Can you give me some? ideas? Patrick. He also had a very long Latin sign off but I'm not even going to try to read it because it doesn't lend itself to my talents.

But the good news here Patrick is that I am an expert in fake news. I have retweeted so much of it.

Hank: I mean, in the science world, it's so easy to create fake news and people do it all the time. All you have to do is say that something that's bad for you is actually good for you. And people will take that up like, it's like, oh, chocolate's good now? Excellent.

We're going to write a lot of stories about that. That's an excellent headline.

John: Here's the thing, Tyler. A good fake news story does exactly one thing. It confirms a belief that someone already has with a fake fact. So if you are trying to convince me to retweet fake news, tell me that somebody wearing a Make America Great Again hat did something terrible.

Yes.

Hank: Yes.

John: If you are trying to get somebody who disagrees with me to retweet fake news, tell them that, you know, the somebody who committed a heinous crime did so because. they were such huge fans of Hillary Clinton.

Hank: Or if you want to get John to retweet some fake news you got to talk about like write a story in which all of the players of AFC Wimbledon did something really great to support gun control. It's just all of his favorite things all in one.

John: Well okay that's actually a good example though Hank because one of the keys to fake news is it has to be in an area where the person who's reading it and sharing it doesn't actually know that much about it. Because if it were that, if it were that AFC Wimbledon story, I would immediately be suspicious, right? Because like I know a lot about AFC Wimbledon. There are no AFC Wimbledon press releases I don't read.

There are no like AFC Wimbledon news stories with which I am unfamiliar. So like you don't You don't play to someone's expertise, you play to their biases.

Hank: That's true, that's true. You gotta come in from an area of ignorance. And in general, it's just about helping people in a kind of way, helping people feel more comfortable in their perspective on the world. And. that is the nicest way to say it.

John: Yeah, fake news tells you, you were right all along. Even when the data said you were wrong, you were right.

Hank: And that's why you've been eating so much chocolate for your whole life.

John: Also, Patrick, I would like to apologize for having just repeatedly called you Tyler. 

Hank: Tyler was the La Croix boy.

John: Sorry, it's a fake news podcast today. I'm only calling people by wrong names. 

Hank: Is La Croix boy spelled with an O-I-X, John?

John: Of course.

Hank: I hadn't realized that, that's exciting. This next question comes from Mrs. Robinson who asks, Dear Hank and John, How does one finance baby? My husband and I really want a third member of our family to love and cuddle, but we have no idea how to pay for all the things it will need.

I can't imagine both of us working full time with a baby in the house and it doesn't, and doesn't it kind of defeat the purpose of having a baby if you hire someone else to do all the day-to-day loving and kissing and changing of poopy diapers. Will we have to come up with a budget? I? mean, yes.

I can't imagine our current strategy of just, uh, don't spend money will be applicable to having a needy baby depending on us. I haven't read any of the baby books. Do any of them cover budgets?

How did you guys and your families decide you could afford this timeless, very tiring, very expensive adventure? Your dubious advice is much appreciated. God bless you.

Please, Mrs. Robinson.

John: Great name-specific sign-off. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Really good.

Hank: Babies are expensive and forever like. they don't stop being expensive unless and until they get a job and and also probably even a time after that.

John: Yeah, I would say five years after baby gets its first job is Maybe when you can begin to think that the money that you make is yours again. 

Hank: I So there are books about this, but I did find that they were separate. They were separate kinds of books. There was the baby books about babies, and then there was the parenting books about parenting and money, which like are not, and I kind of wish, like when I had like my childbirth classes, the conversations about money were very infrequent and and uncomfortable with the. all the people in the room and of course people are in different situations and so that is kind of bound to happen to some extent. but but it is extremely important to be thinking about it now and and also to be thinking that like yes your current strategy of just not spending money will not be applicable anymore though there are lots of ways to save money and to not spend money and to avoid falling into the. oh this thing is so cute I need to buy it or you know you know just just having the things that people give you are fine having a baby shower people are gonna give you a bunch of stuff that will get you set off on the right foot. but but yes When your family gets more complicated, you should be thinking about money in a more serious way.

John: Yeah, I do think that budgeting is key. I also want to say, for the record, I remember when we were going through this because this was in 2009. I think, Hank, by the time you made the decision to have a baby, you and Katherine were in a pretty. secure financial place.

Hank: Yeah, yeah.

John: But when Sarah and I were thinking about having Henry in 2009, we did feel like, oh, maybe we should wait a few years until hopefully things are a little steadier financially. um and we got some advice from people who said you're never going to feel ready and i think that's true but i think you need to uh feel ready enough like you aren't? you aren't ever going to be ready to have a child because it's such an all at once change. it's one of the very few proper like event changes in a human life. it's really intense and it actually does happen all at once unlike most things that are sort of processes that we we try to ritualize with events. I found it very helpful to have a budget but it was still stressful and and and we were in the scheme of things extremely lucky and so but it was still very stressful. my my main advice to you is to lean into the baby shower if you can because most of the expensive stuff is upfront costs except for diapers which are Unbelievably expensive and I also. just want to say that I don't buy the argument that there's no point in having a baby if you have to have childcare.

Hank: Yeah, I agree.

John: There's plenty of poopy diapers. Yeah, there's plenty. there are plenty of poopy diapers. There are plenty of opportunities to love and to hug on your child even if you have to work. and Sarah and I both worked when we went back to work when Henry was 12 weeks old and I don't think that Henry feels any sense of loss from that. In fact, I think it was good for him in some ways to be exposed to different kinds of people and to be to feel loved and supported by a variety of people instead of just two.

So obviously every family is different. There's I don't think there's one right way to parent, but I don't think that you should feel like it's inherently a tragedy if if a kid goes to daycare.

Hank: Yeah, of course not. And and also I like absolutely feel comfortable relying on friends and family if you have those those opportunities both for child care but also for just financial support if you need. that and you know like you're like to some extent. if grandparents are around to help they might very well like that.

John: yeah They might not. I mean, it depends on the grandparent. You got to live with the family you get. But we've been very, we've been very lucky.

I have to say with lots and lots of our kids get lots and lots of love from lots of places. And that's been a real blessing for us. This next question comes from April who writes, Dear John and Hank, almost every time I get in my car, I worry that I'll be pulled over for speeding.

April. I know exactly what this is like. I spend so much time worrying about being pulled over for speeding.

I don't speed that much and have never been pulled over for speeding, but I've seen it in the movies and I know that the police officer asks, do you know how fast you were going? And what frightens me is not the speeding ticket, but how in the world am I going to answer that question? If I say yes, does it make it better? because I knew I was speeding? and take accountability or is it better to say no and feign ignorance?

Please help me so I can be prepared if this day ever comes, not February, April.

Hank: So this is a, like I have gotten the question, instead of do you know how fast you are going, it's do you know why I pulled you over?

John: That's what I get. No, not, it could be so many different things. Yeah.

Hank: I don't, are you a singing telegram? Is it a good thing? 

John: There's like, I always have this impulse. to confess every crime I've ever committed. when confronted with a police officer for him to be like, hey, do you know why I pulled you over? And me to be like, is it because I smoked cigarettes when I was 16? I did, I bought them. I bought them at Kusa Liquors where they catered to your spiritual needs.

Hank: Is it because I kissed Cheryl when I was still kind of going steady with Miranda? Like, is that why?

John: No, that's not why.

Hank: We were super separated. I promise.

John: OK, when you get that question, you answer it by saying, I don't know why you pulled me over.

Hank: That is the correct answer. I do not know why you pulled me over. A police officer once asked me, is there any reason why you're not wearing your seat belt? And I was wearing my seat belt.

It was just that my shirt was the same color as the seat belt. And I was like, I don't know.

John: This thing that I'm wearing? Help. My assumption has always been that they ask you, do you know why I'm pulling you over? on the off chance that you might say, is it because of the 800 pounds of heroin in my trunk? 

Hank: Is it because I'm the murderer? I've murdered so many people and I've just been waiting to be caught.

John: Or you just say, or you just like sigh and say yes, and then get out of the car and put your hands behind your back. No, I... April, I have not gotten a speeding ticket. This is a point of tremendous pride for me.

I have not gotten a speeding ticket since I was 22 years old. However, when I got that speeding ticket when I was 22, I... The moment I began to roll down the window. first off I was in tears.

Secondly, I immediately said to the police officer. I am so sorry. This is entirely my fault.

I did not know what the speed limit was and I am sorry and I thought you know Maybe that'll get me a war it didn't? it got me a two hundred and forty two dollar speeding ticket. Yeah, no that that's my recommendation April. just listen Make no sudden movements and everything is gonna probably be okay. But I can't completely, I share this worry so I feel like I can't completely calm you down.

Hank: Yeah, my last time I got a speeding ticket was September 22nd, 2000, what was it, seven? I think?

John: Okay.

Hank: And I know that because it's the day before I got married.

John: Oh man, you were in a right state. It was 2006 by the way. Oh shoot, it was 2006. I recently got into a car accident Hank, my first car accident in almost 15 years and it is so true that when you're in a in an emotionally overwhelmed place you become a much worse driver.

I ran into a postal service vehicle which was tremendously embarrassing but also. annoying because even though the damage was quite minor of course that car is owned by the United States federal government and so there were layers involved in getting you know to the point where I could drive away and it would never have happened except that my poor dog is dying and it's been. it's been a very stressful couple of months and then also there are a bunch of professional stresses going on at the same time and I the moment I backed into this postal vehicle I was just like oh this never would have happened if I'd been not stressed out. and that is exactly what it was like before your wedding. you were you were in a state.

Hank: I was in a state. I was. I even know that that's like the place where the cops pull people over you should always. it's like the speed limit goes from like 35 to 25 for this like four block stretch and it does. the road doesn't change at all. it's because it's by the hospital. and yeah I I did the thing, John. But it's uh, yeah.

It turned out okay. Thank you for being with. me during that stressful time. I don't know why.

That's like the most freaked out I've been in my whole life. And I was super happy about it.

John: Right. It's not about whether you're happy about it. It's just a really intense thing. And I remember my wedding as mostly being very, very intense.

I often say that like the first 12 hours of my marriage were the most difficult 12 hours so far. My wedding really, really stressed me out. So I can relate.

Hank: Yeah. I mean, once it happened, I was super, super down. It was the. it was the 24, 48 hours beforehand. That was not just events, man.

They're hard. It's hard to run an event. Then I did it for a living for 10 years.

John: You were like, you're like, I'm so good at this. I think I should make it my job.

Hank: This next question comes from Katia who asks, Dear Hank and John, I just listened to your podcast episode in which you give advice on how to befriend a crow. It just so happens that I have the opposite of that problem. For some reason, my roommate decided to become friends with. the many crows that live in our neighborhood. every time she goes out.

John: Oh boy.

Hank: Oh boy. Every time she goes out, she feeds them some walnuts in the hope that they will recognize her face and see her as an ally. I guess that'll come in handy when the apocalypse rolls around and you've got a bunch of bird friends. I told her from the start Arthur, I thought this was a bad idea.

Crows creep me out. Why would you want to befriend them? Well, a few weeks ago I woke up and got a heart attack when I saw four crows perched in a row on the balcony railing.

They were watching me sleep. I think the crows... They won't go away.

How do I unfriend the murder?

John: Oh God, I forgot that a group of crows... What's a group of crows called, Henry? Do you remember? A murder.

A murder of crows. Henry's here by the way. Henry, do you want to say hi to the podcast?

Hank: Hi Henry. 

John: Hey Henry, do you think it's a good idea or a bad idea to become friends with crows? A good idea? Why? I could fly on their. backs?

You mean like a group of crows could like hold me up and take me places? I guess but they're crows. I mean couldn't I do the same thing with like golden eagles?

Wouldn't that be cooler? All right. It would hurt more because of their beaks.

Why? Their talons. I guess that's true.

Henry's thought this through. He thinks that you should befriend crows so that you can fly places.

Hank: Well, maybe that's what your roommate is thinking of Katja. The thing is, the difference between unfriending a crow and making a crow enemy seems very fraught.

John: I agree. That's a very fine line. And as much as you don't want to be friends with these crows who are watching you sleep, the thing you really don't want, Katja, is to have a bunch of enemies, have crow enemies. That sounds very scary.

Hank: This is the exact, this is the exact same problem I have with Facebook is like, I maybe I don't like, I'm just, you know, he said you could just get a bat and hit them. No, you can't do that, Henry.

John: It's a solution, but I think it's a crime.

Hank: Yeah, it's also, they're. very fast crows. This is the, I feel like, the exact problem that I have with Facebook, which is I can't, like I feel like not being friends with someone on Facebook, once you are friends with them, is like a very active decision. and I do not want I just want to be like. I just don't like. you're just not part of my life anymore. but I don't want to say like unfriended like a like. I'm hitting them off of my Facebook stream with a bat and just be like you're out. yeah and I have and and so and thus the crow situation also must be dealt with similarly which is just ghost them.

John: yeah caught you. you're gonna have to ghost Not just the crows but definitely your roommate. I would argue that the underlying issue here is the roommate and like I. I'm not telling you to be terrified of your roommate and her crow befriending activities, but I mean do move. 

Hank: Are the crows on Facebook? Can you unfriend them that way?

John: Oh, that's a good idea. Try to make try to be as passive aggressive about it as possible or just be. like crows.

Hank: crows I'm not. I'm just not doing this anymore. I'm moving to Vero. Vero is this new social network and it's totally cool because it's not like Facebook because it's different from Facebook in ways and so if you're not going to move over to Vero we just can't be friends.

John: and the most important way it's different from Facebook is that crows aren't allowed to join.

Hank: Yeah and crows can't join Vero. I know that that's weird but it's just like for now until the the network gets bigger they can't. they can't have crows.

John: on So much of my life I didn't have a Facebook and I think on average I don't know. I don't want to talk about it. Let's move on to a different question.

Hank: This podcast is brought to you by Vero, that new social network that everyone's talking about. that is different from Facebook somehow.

John: Today's podcast is also brought to you by Singing Policemen Telegrams. Singing Policemen Telegrams, the best reason for getting pulled over.

Hank: Do you know how fast you're going? It's 37, your birthday! This podcast is also brought to you by Tyler the LaCroix Boy. Tyler, the LaCroix. boy.

Go to his potlucks. There's free LaCroix.

John: And lastly, today's podcast is brought to you by IKEA Furniture. IKEA Furniture, testing the well-being of marriages and individuals since 1971.

Hank: And also we have a Project for Awesome message from Jackie in Colorado. This message is for Maggie. It was a donation to the Project for Awesome. Thank you very much for that, Jackie.

It says, Happy 25th birthday, Maggs. As it turns out, sending 25 puppies to you in Scotland. It's a little bit impractical, but I figured a podcast announcement would be an entertaining alternative gift.

Plus, it's for charity. Have a fantastic day celebrating, and take a well-deserved study break. The Green Brothers said it, so you have to follow through.

Ta-ta-la-dee-da-dee-day, don't forget to be awesome.

John: Hank, completely messed that up, but I'm gonna crush it. Are you ready, Maggie?

Hank: Here it is. Okay.

John: Ta-ta-la-dee-dee-da-day, and don't forget to be awesome.

Hank: What is- is that a thing that I should know about?

John: No, I just- I just read it correctly and you read it wrong. 

Hank: Ta-ta-la-dee-dee-da-day.

John: No, still doesn't sound right.

Hank: Ta-ta-la-dee-da-day. Ta-ta-la-dee-da-day. Ta-ta-la-dee-da-day. Tata La Di Di Da De.

Yeah, I don't know, I feel. like. that's probably from something, right?

John: Nah, it's like when I, uh, it's probably, it probably is from Avatar The Last Airbender and we're about to get 250,000 correction notes. Whenever I try to say something in Spanish, Henry just looks at me blankly for the longest time and then eventually he'll say it back to me but correctly. and then I'll try to say it correctly and he'll just he. it's the first time I've seen him roll his eyes. he's begun to just roll his eyes and say no dad you can't do it So stop trying. It's an embarrassment. This next question comes from Amy who writes. dear John and Hank often hear life advice saying things along the lines of follow your passion and dreams.

But is it wrong to want a nine-to-five job and have your passions be side gigs? Why do so many songs have lines bragging about not having a nine-to-five job? I'm about to finish an undergrad in music, and while I love playing instruments, I'm extremely exhausted from the lack of a daily routine in my class and rehearsal schedules, and from what I can tell from talking to my teachers, that's what a career in music is.

Am I a quitter or letting down myself for my teachers if I get a nice 9-5 job in the best place on earth, a library, and be a part-time musician? Not wanting to disappoint, Amy.

Hank: Man Amy it seems like you got your stuff together. Yeah, you know exactly what you want Amy.

John: You're crushing it. don't let anybody tell you that you're not crushing it. you know what you what you want to do for a job. you want to work in a library which is awesome and you know what you want to do as a side gig which is awesome as well. i think this is great and it's also really wonderful if you understand about yourself that you're someone who benefits from routine and structure and that's where you thrive like i. that took me a long time to understand about myself and when I stopped having a job I'd always had day jobs and sort of wrote at night and on the weekends and I was very comfortable with that. but then when we had enough money for me to stop doing that and I was able. to write full-time I was like oh this is great I'm gonna be living the dream. that's the dream to write all day and within like two weeks of living the dream I was like. this is terrible like I understand that this is the dream but it turns out it's not my. my dream like my dream involves a certain amount of routine and seeing other adults during the day and lots of other things that weren't possible for me when I was ostensibly writing full time and so slowly I built more and more day jobs so that I could come to an office work nine-to-five and write at night and on the weekends because that's where I'm productive and happy.

Hank: Yeah, I've been thinking a lot about the ways that we imagine the success and how insidious that can be When when we create definitions of success that require things almost like it's almost sort of a requirement that any definition of success that really resonates with us is something that only a few people can have. and Yeah, otherwise if everybody could have it that can't be that great, right? And that is such a destructive. terrible thing not just for individuals but for society as a whole because we need to like have a society where the most people possible can be experiencing their lives as a worthwhile exciting success. and I like it's really and like I've become very sort of like apprehensive about the things that I do for a living and people seeing that as a goal that they want to have because this is definitionally like my job is definitionally something that can only be had by not very many people because you need a large audience in order to support like a YouTube show or a podcast and so not everybody can have a large audience because there's unless more time of the day gets manufactured. So I worry about that. And having gone through and watched the first season of The New Queer Eye on Netflix, I, you know, seeing those people sort of moving to a place where they are more happy with and accepting of their life as it exists. um is is really exciting though i worry that like in the examples given in that show like it requires a bunch of money to be spent. on your clothes and your hair and your house and i like. it worries me. and like i love the show don't get me wrong like i'm a super fan of of this and i wish there were more episodes i can't. i like got really sad when i found out that it was over. but i just want there to be ways for us to feel like a successful people without having to have that be based on other people and like and and sort of like maybe somewhat unrealistic expectations for what a life can be.

John: Yeah, I mean, the other thing about that, Hank, and, you know, I obviously come to this question from an extraordinarily privileged and specific perspective, but my experience has been both in having a measure of public renown and in knowing lots of people with much more public renown. it is tremendously overrated like it is overrated on on a scale that baffles me because the truth is and it's a hard truth to talk about I think but the truth is that it for lots and for most people I think it's very disorienting it's very scary it's not particularly fun. and there's a feeling at least I felt this after the success of The Fault in Our Stars and again I want to acknowledge how grateful I am for that success and how wonderful it was. but I also think that to be fair I should acknowledge that like I was not having a good time like I was not I was deeply deeply unhappy and I was sick and I was scared all the time and I was completely overwhelmed. and I realized that it was another time when I realized that like just because something is the dream just because something is is the thing that you're told to try to accomplish by the social order doesn't mean it's necessarily the thing you actually want to accomplish but it's so so hard to disentangle your interests and your passions and who you are from what the social order wants you to be or what the social order values and so one of the things I loved about this question is that you know this is someone who seems to have a pretty good handle on who she is and what she wants and I think Amy you should. celebrate that. I think you should be excited about that and I think you should pursue the life that you want to have especially because you're lucky to understand what that is. Agree.

Hank: I think it's a thing that we all would do well to think more about that stuff not just for our own sakes but for everybody's. Because we're maybe headed into a world where it gets harder and harder to lead the kind of life that people can imagine as a success. And that leads to a much less happy society, which has a lot of negative impacts. I got another question, John.

It's from Anna, and it's about sand. Dear Hank and John, how much sand is there? 

John: This is a great question. I know the answer.

Hank: You know the answer to how much sand there is? Yeah, I do. How much sand is there?

John: Who asked the question again? Is her name Anna?

Hank: Yeah.

John: Anna, I'm about to blow your mind. Okay. You probably already know this, Anna, but I still think it's amazing. There are more stars in the universe than there are grains of sand on Earth.

Hank: Or something like that.

John: No, it's. not even close.

Hank: Okay, I believe you.

John: That's it.

Hank: I believe... There's a Carl Sagan quote that says there are more stars, I think, in the galaxy than there are grains of sand on every beach in the world. The thing to be really specific about, though, John, is we don't know how many grains of sand there are in the universe. And that's what Anna asked about.

John: Oh.

Hank: How much sand is there?

John: Oh, yeah. Like, in the universe, there is a lot of sand, Anna. I mean, there's a ton. Like, well, actually way more than a ton.

There's a lot of sand in the universe.

Hank: There's a lot. The question of whether, my guess is that there is more sand in the universe than there are stars in the universe. But I don't know that for certain. But that's my guess.

Because I bet there's a lot of good Rocky planets with water running around making sand.

John: And Mars seems to be like mostly sand.

Hank: There's a lot of sand on Mars. Or dust, I guess. Whatever the difference is between those things. So yeah, I think there's probably a lot of sand.

John: You want to know. something else weird that I learned from the same thing where I learned this about the sand? If you took 10 drops of water regular drops of water and you counted the number of molecules of H2O in those 10 drops of water, you would get a number approximately equal to all the stars in the universe. 

Hank: Okay, but what about sand though, John?

John: Well, I already told you there are more stars in the universe than there are grains of sand on Earth. So this is the answer. to, okay, if you assume a grain of sand has an average size and you calculate how many grains are in a teaspoon and then multiply by all the beaches and deserts in the world, the earth has roughly, and we're speaking very roughly here, 7.5 times 10 to the 18th grains of sand or 7 quintillion 500 quadrillion grains of sand. Whereas the universe has just an absolute crap ton of stars. 

Hank: The number is nonspecific, but it's more than 10 to the 18. It's bigger than that, which I believe.

John: No, I'm pretty sure that, isn't that the current, wait, hold on, isn't that the current thought about how? many stars there are in the universe?

Hank: An absolute crap ton?

John: Yeah.

Hank: Oh yeah, no, absolutely.

John: Not a relative crap ton, but an absolute.

Hank: Absolute crap ton. Anna's question actually goes on to say, Since sand is made from rocks getting crumbled up into pieces, there's more and more sand being made all the time, right? Is that balanced out by the creation of new sedimentary rock? Is the amount of so-? is the amount of sand increasing or decreasing?

If it's increasing, does that mean that there's infinite sand, bun-ana, banana, banana?

John: That's a great name specific sign off. So it's important to understand something here, Anna, which is that Even if the amount of grains of sand is increasing, there's a finite amount of matter on Earth, so the number of grains of sand will never be infinite.

Hank: So that's good, because it means that even- But in the universe, there might be infinite sand in the universe, unfortunately.

John: Possibly?

Hank: Just to confuse matters further.

John: That's true, it could, it's possible, but it's hard to know for sure. There are seven times ten to the twenty second stars in the known universe.

Hank: That's way more than we got. sans.

John: To this website. So that is actually the scientific definition of an absolute crap ton is seven times ten to the twenty second.

Hank: Yeah, like the systems, the plate tectonics that is currently sort of, that is converting the geological processes generally that is converting sand into sedimentary rock is going on and will continue going on. Whether or not those things are in balance at the moment, I don't know. I don't know if there's like more sand being made by crumbling than there is sedimentary rock being made, but you are quite correct and intelligent to identify the fact that sand eventually becomes rock again, which is pretty cool.

John: Alright Hank, so We know that there is a finite amount of sand on Earth and that that situation will continue.

Hank: Yeah, do you want to give me the news from AFC Wimbledon, John?

John: I mean, part of me does, part of me doesn't. Okay, here's the news from AFC Wimbledon, Hank. We played Peterborough in League One, the third tier of English football. It was a good game.

Lyle Taylor scored a fantastic goal and it looked like AFC Wimbledon were going to get three points which. would have been very very useful but then Peterborough scored an equalizer which is extremely frustrating and disheartening and so it was a 1-1 draw. AFC Wimbledon got one point which moved them from 37 points to 38 points. they remain in 18th place but they are only two points away right now from a relegation spot. 36 points is what the team in 21st have. 21st, 22nd, 23rd and 24th will all spend next season in the fourth tier of English football. So Wimbledon are two points clear of the drop zone right now with 12 games to play.

From those 12 games we need about 14 points to guarantee our place in league or close to guarantee our place in league one next season. Hank, how many points per game is that?

Hank: I don't know.

John: While you're thinking about it I'm gonna go on and give you an update but in all likelihood we actually need 14 points from 11 games because our next game is against Blackburn and they are at the top of League One and are just amazing this year. I mean as third tier English football teams go and will very likely beat AFC. Wimbledon. I think even yeah. so then we need 14 points from 11 games.

Basically, we still need to win five games, but now we only have 11 games in which to do it. So I am officially very nervous.

Hank: Well, you need 1.27 points per game to get a lot of points in those. Yeah, to get the 14 points out of the 11 games.

John: It's nerve wracking.

Hank: Oh, gosh, that is scary. 

John: There's nothing obviously that I can do about it from the United States. but it is oh god it's it's a worry. I just. I just really hope the Dons find a way to stay up. I think that they've got some great young talent.

I think things could look really good next year and then hopefully the year after that will be in the new stadium and that will be a huge huge deal for the future and the security of the club. so Ah yeah if we could stay in League One for another two seasons it would be great but obviously it's going to be tough this year. I will say Simon Bassey who's been with the club since they were formed, he. participated in the tryouts on Wimbledon Common back in 2002 and was part of the team for a few years before joining the coaching staff. Simon Bassey had a great series of kind of come to Jesus moments with the fans where he was like look we used to have the smallest stadium in league two. now we have the smallest stadium in league one. the odds have always been stacked against us and I know that it's really frustrating to watch your team go out and struggle week after week but we need to be in this together. you know the great thing about having a fan-owned club is that we really are in it together. all of us who are members of the Don's Trust own the club just as much as Simon Bassey or any other fan does.

And so that was really heartening and inspiring to me the way he talked about all of us being in this together and how the team was going to need the fans just as the fans were going to need the team. So I am worried, but I am also feeling that resolve that he has instilled in me.

Hank: Great. Great. And it's not. and you'll go back and have the biggest Stadium in the fourth or the small stadium the fourth tier until that stadium gets finished. and you know That'll still be impressive that you're that you've come so far.

John: I'd really rather not suffer Wimbledon's first relegation since being reformed in 2002, but Obviously, yeah, the universe that time is is infinite John. It will have to happen eventually Mmm, not that that is not true. Oh That is not true. It is very possible that the world will end before Wimbledon ever get relegated.

And may that be the case. 

Hank: I mean, no. Yes. Yes.

John: What's the news from Mars?

Hank: In news from Mars, the Trace gas orbiter, which is part of the ExoMars exploration program, which is two missions, one of which crashed into Mars. But this one did not. The European led mission has just finished its very long term aerobraking maneuver to get into the orbit that it needs to be in to to do its science. So when you go to Mars, you are going very fast because you have to get there.

You have to get out of the Earth's. gravity. You have to be accelerating out of, you know, away from the sun to get further away from the sun. And then you get there.

You're going very fast. You have to slow down. There's two ways to do that, really.

One is you have rockets that have fuel and you use those rockets to slow down and go into orbit around around the planet and that then you have to carry all that fuel with you which is bad. but sometimes missions will just Crash into the atmosphere going as like just crazy fast burn off some ablative plates and have parachutes to slow down and rockets to slow down And they use mostly but though they use the atmosphere to slow down. But when you're an orbiter you can't just crash into the planet and slam into the atmosphere like that. So instead you like they have this very long period of time where I think over 900 times the orbiter went around the planet and on one of the orbits it skims the back or on one side of the orbit it skims the planet's atmosphere and then it goes way out in this long looping. orbit and then it comes again it skims the atmosphere again and each time it slows down a little bit because it crashes into the the atoms in the very, very top layer of the very thin Martian atmosphere.

And that's what ExoMars has been doing for over a year. It's been slamming into those atoms, slowing down, and now it is in its final orbit. And that means it can start soon doing its actual science mission, which will be mostly figuring out this mystery that we've got on Mars right now, or at least part of this mystery, which is methane.

We have detected methane on the surface of Mars several times. There's debate about whether that methane was actually on Mars or whether it was somehow trapped on the lander that landed on Mars. We've seen methane several times, but we need a more sensitive instrument and this trace gas orbiter is going to be is to have those instruments.

They'll be able to tell how much methane there is in the Martian atmosphere, where that methane maybe is coming from. And that's very important, not just because it's interesting, but because methane on Earth is mostly. produced by life. And if there was some tiny trace amount of weird life on Mars, it might be producing methane.

It might also be consuming methane. And so understanding the methane cycle on Mars could be a really important part of understanding what Weird trace life might actually be happening on the surface of that planet or beneath the surface.

John: Wow, that's pretty cool. You know what else is news from Mars this week?

Hank: What?

John: Noted Mars fanatic Elon Musk revealed that his global broadband Starlink network, this constellation that he is building to try to bring global broadband to people, especially people who are currently left behind by so much of the technological revolution, that the name for it was inspired by The Fault in Our Stars, my book, or more likely the movie.

Hank: You don't think, I mean, Who knows? So apparently Elon's a John Green fan. Does Leon Musk have any feelings about this, Sitch?

John: No, Leon Musk has gone quiet recently. I'm not sure what's going on with him. I know you said that that was only going to be like a thing that lasted for a few weeks, but I'm committed to making sure. it lasts for the entire 12 years of this stupid Mars bet. However, right now I'm...

Like I don't enjoy Twitter enough at the moment to be completely honest with you to have a novelty account. It's the only fun way to be on Twitter. I just barely enjoy it enough to tweet my new Vlogbrothers video every week.

But yeah, I was really excited about that. I thought that was pretty cool. So thank you Elon Musk for including me, making me a footnote in the incredible story of global broadband Mars, Falcon Heavy Rockets, et cetera.

And thank you, Hank, for being the reason that I care enough about this stuff to follow Elon Musk on Twitter in the first place.

Hank: All right, John, what did we learn today?

John: Well, we learned that IKEA furniture is just waiting at my house to be made.

Hank: Oh, yeah. Can't you get like a task rabbit to come help you out with that stitch?

John: No, I'm going to do it by myself. Well, with Sarah.

Hank: And we learned that 7 times 10 to the 22 is the technical definition of an absolute crap ton.

John: We learned that workin' 9 to 5. is just fine if you like workin' 9 to 5.

Hank: And finally we learned that there is no such thing as too much LaCroix.

John: Or at least I'd like to find out if there's such a thing as too much LaCroix. 

Hank: Alright, John. Thank you for podcasting with me, it's been a joy. And thank everybody for listening, and if you leave ratings on iTunes, that's really great too. Or whatever podcast machine you use to get podcasts into your podcast ears.

Podcast is edited by Nicholas Jenkins. It's produced by Rosianna Halse Rojas and Sheridan Gibson. Our head of community and communications is Victoria Bongiorno.

The music you're hearing now and at the beginning of the podcast is by the great Gunnarolla. And as they say in our hometown, don't forget to be awesome.