Hank: Hello and welcome to Dear Hank and John.

Greg: And more appropriately, Dear Greg and Hank.

Hank: It's a comedy podcast for me and my brother John and sometimes special guests. Answer your questions, give you dubious advice, and we give you all the week's news from both Mars and AFC Wimbledon. Today we have Greg, Game Over Greg-y of Kinda Funny. That's right.

All of the things that you do. Welcome.

Greg: I do a lot of things on the internet. I do stuff like that in podcasts and whatnot.

Hank: I mean the thing that I was sort of amazed like I was like. I wonder if Greg would want to be a guest. John. on Dear Hank and John and you responded in like 13 seconds and I know you got the Twitter beams right to my brain.

Greg: Twitter beams right to my brain.

Hank: I can't miss anything. you have a lot that you do and you do it every day and I'm always very impressed and I kind of want to because I also feel that people feel this way about me and I always want to talk to other people about how they manage their very busy lives and. not destroy their Brain or bodies?

Greg: Sure, okay. What would you like to know?

Hank: Just that.

Greg: Just how I manage it all? I don't really well. I, you know, I always tell this story right before we left our old jobs. I was talking to old co-workers before vacation or before Christmas vacation, which would be, you know, us quitting.

And they were like, man, like, you got to be looking forward to this. I'm like, dude, it's going to be the best. I go home from work now and I get these tension headaches right around my temples.

And I've noticed I'm starting to go gray there. But when I go out and I do this, we start our own business. We'll set our own schedule.

It'll be so relaxing. And I am so all over gray now. Three years into this business.

It just sucks it out of you. You know what I mean?

Hank: I know what you mean. I've managed to dodge the gray hair bullet so far as a 37 year old. I have like six of them. But I I'm keeping keeping an eye on it I do have. this is what I have is. my eyebrow hairs are starting to be old man eyebrow hairs and they're like I'm gonna be Like I want to come down into your eyes.

I want to be down there. This is yeah. I'm sitting at the boot and Katherine my wife is like not having a moment of it.

She just I'll be sitting there watching TV, and it's just like what just happened to my face. She's plucking my eyebrows.

Greg: I was gonna say, she on Pluck Patrol? That's great. That's a great wife. You need that.

You need that. You need to keep, you know, your youthful vigor for all this YouTube and podcast.

Hank: That's right. That's right. It's all about, like, really no one thinks about the importance of eyebrow size in the appearance of youth. I'm still getting carded, but only because Katherine's plucking my eyebrows.

Greg: Exactly. It's one of those things you take for granted. It's not until you see a really bad set of eyebrows where you're like, oh man, that's a thing people need to pay attention to.

Hank: It's like going all Eugene Levy on you. It's interesting to watch my body change as I get older. I also just. had a baby and I was in an airport last night eating food and when I should clearly like my fifth meal of the day. and I google just having a baby make men gain weight? and Yes, it does. There's a fair amount of research done on this. if you have a baby Even if you don't live with the baby, just having a baby makes you gain weight.

Greg: Just having that responsibility out there on the internet makes you gain weight.

Hank: Yeah, it's just, it's too much, it's on your mind, you're probably not sleeping as well as you used to. It also changes your body hormones. Like, things change when you have a baby, even for guys. Certainly not on the level- That's a great excuse.

Not on the- yeah, of course. Not on the level of-.

Greg: From now on, when people are like, why are you overweight? I'm just gonna be like, well, I had a bunch of babies. That's so many. There's like a bunch of little Greg Millers running around out there.

Hank: Um.

Greg: So yeah, you should count your lucky stars that you don't have that many gray hairs cuz yeah like running kind. of funny this YouTube twitch podcast empire we have here. It's yeah, we do spin plates. at any point one of these plates could fall down But hopefully we have enough other ones spinning on Patreon or adsense or something to keep it going.

Hank: Yeah, that is that is the trick. you're diversified as they say in business.

Greg: Yeah, we have that tripod business approach. You know what I mean? Take one leg out the other legs will support.

Hank: Yeah You gotta have like a 55 legged stool is really the way you want it to work.

Greg: Exactly, you know what I mean? I think it was more like one of those wobbly tables you get at a restaurant when you go in and somebody folds a coaster and puts it under one of the legs. That's awesome.

Hank: There's a lot of that happening. And for every leg of the stool you get a new gray hair, which is, you know, I think you're doing pretty well then.

Greg: Thank you, yeah. My gray hair would definitely establish that as us running this video game comedy podcast troupe out here.

Hank: So, I heard that you were able to scrounge together a. short poem for us.

Greg: I was. I looked around the internet and I know there's a long history of poems here. John brings good stuff to the table usually. But I figured if I'm coming in here I had to find something that really spoke to who I am and gave your listeners a great window into who Greg Miller from Kinda Funny is.

So this one is from JustMells. He posted it online June 2014. It's titled Superman vs Batman.

Like Superman to your Batman, I actually got power. Power with ink. Power with flow.

Don't even blink, I'll make your mind blow. 

Hank: What's happening?

Greg: Just letting you know where I'm coming from everybody, it's me Greg Miller.

Hank: Where did you find that? Welcome to the show, strap in.

Greg: I googled Superman Poems and I found hellopoetry.com. slash word slash Superman and this one's at the top and I was like you know what just melt, you nailed it. I love it.

Hank: You crushed it. I mean, it's HelloPoetry.com?

Greg: Hello. Hello. Like we're saying hello.

Hank: I don't know why our podcast isn't the HelloPoetry.com podcast.

Greg: I'll tell you, they seem to have a lot of stuff because it's like. at the top of it, it says words. Superman's highlighted obviously, but on the other side, it's clearly showing all the other words they can pull from. You have superior, superiority, Superman, supermarket, supernatural.

Hank: Wow. You said supermarket poems?

Greg: Yeah, you know what? I'm clicking on it right now. We'll see what we got. Here we go.

The first one I'm going to read to you. D. J.

Goodwin. July 2013.

Hank: Supermarket. Retail hunter.

Greg: Oh, sorry. Retail hunter gatherers pick clean processed bones digging graves with their shiny teeth studious in their reveries as they drone. Past worlds dumped. in the thresher, the truck in fields of film wrapped. I mean they're deep on it.

You'd think Hello Poetry might not have it. They got it.

Hank: They got it. I mean that poem goes on for a while. It keeps going. I think we got the gist though.

Greg: The Vegemite, Dyspora, and the Arctic wastelands cased in sliding glass fields of perfect steady storms as wraiths Baked in halogen asks silent questions of the silver beat.

Hank: Oh, man. I tell you what, like, I was just at the grocery store and I didn't feel any of those feelings. I was like, I would like a sandwich, and he was like, that'll be a couple minutes. And then I- Yeah, no, he's painting a picture here.

I also bought, like, some mango slices for my baby. Uh, pre- Nice. Mango's so annoying and it's amazing that somebody cut this mango up for me so I don't have to do it.

There are so many Superman poems!

Greg: Well, I mean, come on now. He should be the world's most popular superhero.

Hank: I mean, he's a good metaphor at the very least. Anyway, in the future we will do the Hello Poetry podcast, but that's not what we are here to do today. Do you want to ask and answer some questions from our listeners, Greg?

Greg: I would love to.

Hank: All right. Well, I'll hit us with our first one. Um, and then you can do the second one. I really want to get to this, and so I'm just gonna start with it.

It's from Andrea who asks, uh, Dear Hank and Greg, I am currently trying to study, but I keep getting distracted by the no food sign in the library. I know this question doesn't lend itself to a podcast, but it is. I know this question doesn't lend itself well to a podcast, but is the middle piece of food in the attached picture a slab of raw ham?

Perhaps an oddly sliced beet? I need to know, Andrea. We'll put this picture up on the Patreon, you don't have to be a patron to look at it.

Just so that everybody can see what we're talking about, there's clearly three items of what has been labeled food. There's an apple, there's a piece of bread, And Greg, what is that middle thing?

Greg: Maybe a whole loaf, maybe a whole loaf of bread.

Hank: Right, right, right. More like a roll, maybe. A roll of bread. Exactly.

But a giant dinner roll. It's like a rustic bread. It's like a rustic loaf of bread.

Greg: Somebody made this in their Dutch oven and put it out there. And then, yeah, there is clearly a slice of what appears to be some kind of meat, but with a giant white center indicating there's a bone that has been cut.

Hank: Yeah, it is maybe just the leg of a cow. it looks maybe like a steak. it also maybe looks like a piece of. bread that it's been dyed red and maybe it's got like the egg in a whole thing going where they cut that and they put it in. They cut like the middle out of the bread and crack an egg into it and that but it's yeah.

Greg: Have you ever seen it on the internet? the internet when they'll do the whole thing of like the random to grab people like alright cool draw Barney for a memory draw Pikachu for a memory. It strikes me as somebody grabs somebody was like I know you've watched a Looney Tunes episode before where they're eating meat, cut, what do you think, draw on a piece of meat right now and they took like when you have the giant turkey bone or ham bone and then rather than, because it looks like the end of that where you see the bone and then surrounded by pink, but then someone took like a circular saw and

Hank: sewed on through the bone

Greg: to then put it down.

Hank: Right, treated it as if it were a loaf of bread. It just took a slice of exactly right down the middle of that turkey leg. I, yeah. Yeah, I think that it's probably intended to be raw steak, like raw red meat, which does seem like an, like I agree you should not eat raw red meat in the library.

Greg: That's a good tip for life.

Hank: Yeah.

Greg: I don't know, if you get this, if anybody, I like good steak tartare, but if somebody cut this and dropped it on a plate to me, I'd be like, no sir, this is not correct.

Hank: Also, it clearly in the photo is touching both the rustic bread and the apple, and so both of those, cross contamination, cross contamination. Yeah, you can't have either of them anymore.

Greg: No, yeah, no. Which is a shame, because that bread and apple look great.

Hank: That would be good, just a couple slices of apple on that rustic bread and I'm down. So, I think that it is perfectly natural for you, Andrea, to have been distracted by this very peculiar slice of beet bread. 

Greg: What happened with Oreos that this school had to pay them in the library?

Hank: Yeah, other cookies are fine, but the entire institution of the- like Numinos, all right, no problem. You want to bring a Chips.

Greg: Ahoy in here? We were fine with you. 

Hank: Yeah, there must have been an Oreo fight.

Greg: You'd think so, you'd think it was maybe a scavenger hunt where people were hiding Oreos all over the library.

Hank: Right, and now they're like still there forever, and because you didn't find all the Oreos and there's ants now. I'll tell you who it is. I'll tell you who it is.

Greg: I'll tell you who it is. I'll tell you who it is. I'll tell you who it is. I'll tell you who it is.

I'll tell you who it is. ultra best bros friends. My mom didn't like her saying that she was a bad influence and such and we had a lot of fights about it. But we remained almost sisters.

My friend has severe depression and anxiety. I've always been there for her and she's relied a lot on me. However, a few months ago she moved away and we stopped talking and seeing each other as much.

During this time I have come to notice that I didn't really miss her. My mental health improved incredibly and so was my relationship with my mother. Now, I have the opportunity. to talk to her again, but I don't really want to, and my friends keep talking to me like I'm her other half, which is really uncomfortable now.

If I tell her what's happened, I know it will affect her greatly and not in a good way. What do I do? Yours isn't worried, Nicole.

Hank: Nicole that is a super hard situation to be in and I will start out by recognizing that and and also Commending you for recognizing the the complexity of the situation that you're in right now. Which is that there there is you and you want to take care of you But you also care about your friend and you want to also care about her and not hurt that person. But it does seem that you are aware that you like who is you know if you know you need to be taking care of yourself first. so if you are in a place where you feel like you can take care of yourself and also lend a little bit of support to this other person then there is an opportunity there to do that if you don't feel like you have that if. you don't feel like you're able to help that person without dragging yourself down without pulling yourself into a place you don't want to be anymore then that is not your obligation.

Greg: yeah she doesn't feel like she has to be What?

Hank: Ooh, teaser.

Greg: Yeah, teaser. Yeah, teaser.

Hank: We're not really teasing anything. You know, somebody's sort of asking, hey, I have never had a friend that I feel like is going to be my friend forever. And asking us, like, who are our oldest friends and how long have we had those friends? I'm curious, what's your answer to that question?

What's your oldest friend?

Greg: Sure, I mean, my oldest friend is a name. Wait, no, that's not right. My oldest friend isn't a name. It's a person.

It's a boy named Pope who I've known. I've known him since I guess first grade and I'm 34 right now. I wouldn't say we became best friends until probably right before high school, so like seventh or eighth grade, somewhere in there.

But ever since then, yeah, we've been those kind of friends that, you know, we went to high school together, then went off to different colleges, me and. Missouri, him up in Minnesota. When we pick back up, we pick back up like nothing changed.

We knew each other that well. We are brothers to that extent, where I think we went through so much together that we don't need to check in with each other every week, but when we do every few months to catch up on what's happening or when I come back together, it's like nothing changed.

Hank: Yeah, that's really wonderful. It's funny that you said that he was a boy, because, you know, he's not anymore. He's 34 years old. But isn't that how we think of our friends?

Like your childhood friends?

Greg: You still jump back to, remember that time you peeked in the car? Yeah, dude, I was five. I don't know what you want me to do next time.

Hank: Yeah, I didn't, I don't have that as much with any of my friends from like elementary age. I don't know any of those folks anymore. I do, I am still very close with all the people I hung out with when I was like 16, 17, 18, like late high school times and still hang out with them hopefully once. a year, once every two years and you know, always am in touch with those folks. and you know, like This person is 17 years old and doesn't feel like There. this is Tiffany now. How has any friends that that Tiffany's gonna be friends with, you know until she's 30 like we are now And that's okay.

Like that's fine. Oh 100% and you like I feel like sorry friends come in and out and there is an amount of like loyalty that can kind like that that maybe is sometimes expected to friends. that maybe is a little bit too much. Like if it's something that is important to you and that you want to keep that going and you want to find ways to make those relationships productive and long term, absolutely do that.

It's like one of the great things in life. But it is energy and upkeep, so you want to make sure that you're spending that energy on the people that you want to keep in your life forever, for a long time.

Greg: exactly and you figure in my case right pose the outlier like I have a bunch of other friends that I. do in junior high and high school but I don't talk to them anymore. and like when you get to college. that's where I made a bunch of what I would consider like adult friends right friends that I'm still close to or talk to but even then we're talking three people. yeah for my you know five and a half years in Missouri that I keep in touch with actively and want to you know spend time with or come back and visit or hear about their kids or whatever and not just Cursatory Facebook contact. I still think you have the chance to make those friendships, to make those connections. It doesn't reflect on you. It isn't a bad thing that you already haven't done that at 17.

Hank: Yeah, absolutely. We just answered two questions at once.

Greg: Look at us. We're not going to stop the clock. Hank, what you said though is great about expected loyalty and what best friends means. That's different for every person.

If you're meeting people that you like and you're friends with, but You don't want to be invested on that level and that's totally fine.

Hank: Yeah, but I do like I. think it's important to recognize. It's been important for me to recognize I should say that a great deal of joy and like stability is brought into my life by my friends and and and sometimes I will be like I sort of take that for granted or I'll be like well yeah but I've got so much other stuff going on and a baby and I've got my marriage and I've got my family and I've got my business and like. it's just hard to do that. but to put to dedicate some time and think like I think of everything as projects now because I've broken my brain and to dedicate time to that to the management of the project of friendships is really important. It has been really important for me for my like mental health and my happiness Even though it never seems like. well my top priority is never hanging out with my butts Because I have a child so that's always gonna be the top priority. This thing it just pooped in its pants again, and that is the. that is the thing that I need to be taking care of right now but. the but it is.

I think it is. you know it's not something when I was younger it would. it just took care of itself like it just happened because I was always available to hang out and you know and that. but like trying to keep those relationships maintained is more than just like a Facebook thing where I'm reading about them on whatever they're posting. it is it's an active project and it's something that that pays dividends for me and and I think that it's easy for those things to sort of fall apart when you don't like sort of inactively like it's one thing to be like I think probably it's not healthy like I'm not in a place where I can help this person out anymore versus like I love this person but like I don't need to maintain the relationship because like they like it's all going pretty well but then it all falls apart and you haven't talked in five years. so that's just something I've been thinking about generally with regards to friends and how thankful I am to have good good friends.

Greg: Yeah, I think for you, I'm assuming for you, but I know for me for sure like having the friends I have that are the friends who have been around for a while or knew me before I moved to San Francisco or stuff to that effect like they help keep me grounded, right? Because I think it's so easy to get caught up in my day-to-day. Yeah, well this video game code didn't come in or oh this embargo is happening or we have to go. I gotta go to LA tomorrow to go speak to a bunch of

Hank: fans and

Greg: I'm stressed out about hacking and I talk to people who lead normal lives and they're like well yeah I'm you know I'm a professor and I'm a doctor and I had to do this and it's like oh right you have they're talking about their children. you're like right there. there's a bigger world happening here than me wanting to talk about comic books.

Hank: yeah I forget. yep that is that is very that is very good for for maybe us in particular.

Greg: exactly that's what friends are there to do right. it's to ground you and remind you what's real and what's important.

Hank: Yeah, yeah, and provide a diversity of worldview and also just relaxation, if you can get it from them, which is great. This next question comes from Radica, who asks, Dear Hank and Greg, my Recently my friends have been arguing about whether or not water is wet. They say that water is obviously wet and that wetness is an inherent property of water. I, however, think that wetness is what happens when previously dry objects are covered by water.

Any dubious advice on the topic would be super helpful. Like Radical, without the L, Radica. Thank you for the pronunciation, guys.

I was gonna say Radica's a great name. It's a good name. Radical name.

What do you think?

Greg: Is water wet? Yeah, water's wet. Of course it's wet. I think it's so wet that it's gone beyond the definition of wet.

What Raph is saying, I understand the argument. I'm with her. But I think that, okay, is it wet?

I don't know. Touch it and find out. Oh, it's wet.

That's what it goes down to. It's actually going to be wet.

Hank: But what got wet? 

Greg: The molecules. 

Hank: I don't want to say it without laughing to myself. Of.

Greg: course it was the molecules. Hank, you're saying it's not wet?

Hank: Well, I think that there's there's two ways to look at it and but but I definitely. First of all, I think that technically water is not wet. I think that if you look at the definition of what wetness is it is sure where it is when something got Wet and water didn't get wet. But it is but it's just but it's so wet.

Greg: It's so wet. It doesn't need to get wet. 

Hank: I'm gonna stick firm and say that you have to be something that isn't water with water on you in order for you to be that.

Greg: You're correct, I mean, the definition here on the internet, the state of condition of being covered or saturated with water or another liquid, dampness.

Hank: But to me- But isn't water saturated with water? Isn't it the most saturated with water thing that you can have?

Greg: See, you just flip-flopped, now you're on my side, welcome to the thing, question answered, done. I was going to say, you can't trust these definitions. This is like as a hot dog sandwich and you read the definition of a sandwich. and you're like, I don't know, it kind of could be. It's not.

Hot dog's not a sandwich. We got it. I don't want to get into the definitions of it.

Hank: Water's wet. Next question, Radka. It kind of upsets me. It kind of upsets me that we could actually live in a world in which like, it feels like water needs to be wet for like the world to make sense.

But I think that it's not wet. I think it's not wet. It's really weird to me.

So I'm gonna go off on a tangent here. It is weird to me.

Greg: Here we go. Everybody get in the car. We're going on a tangent.

Hank: Wait, you could wet ice. So you could get a piece of ice that's really, really cold and thus dry. Sure. It's not wet.

And then put water on it. So you could wet water in that way. But this isn't the tangent.

The tangent is, so all the stuff we eat, all the stuff we put into our bodies is like mostly like Life stuff, like plants and animals. And yes, there's portions of those plants and animals that are inorganic things, like. potassium and vitamins or whatever, I don't know. So there's definitely inorganic stuff that you're eating and that are important to your body that you need in order to function.

But water is really weird in that it's a mineral. It is not a living thing. It's not an organic compound.

It is a mineral. Ice is just another rock, basically. But we need to drink this mineral all day long in order to not die immediately.

You're right. Because we have to fill up our weird meat sacks with wetness in order to be alive.

Greg: Yeah, we have to make our insides wet for sure. With water, that's also wet. 

Hank: It is important to keep the insides wet. 

Greg: Would you say water's dry? 

Hank: How far do you want to take it? Alright, I think water is dry is definitely the new controversial opinion. that doesn't matter and that I will defend with my life.

Greg: That's the hill you want to die on. Water is dry.

Hank: By definition, water is dry. Boom! Take that. I'm just gonna tweet it.

No context. Water is dry. Yeah, exactly.

See how that one goes. Alright, what else do we got? You got another. question for me?

I feel like we covered this one.

Greg: We got. we got another one here But it's the same idea where it's gonna be us arguing and scratching heads unless we want to actually get into it. Brooke writes it and says Hank and John. Again, I feel Hank. He didn't promote me enough that I was coming on the show.

Are there oranges named oranges because they are orange? or is the color orange called orange because oranges are orange? The word orange has lost all meaning to be fruity frenzy Brooke.

Hank: I mean, yeah, you definitely did that to all of our brains. that is it was a very Well it's like that. it's like Buffalo Buffalo Buffalo Buffalo Buffalo Buffalo Buffalo Buffalo. um except except there were like some words that weren't orange in that sentence. uh i actually looked this up. do you want to know the real answer? 

Greg: hold on yeah i do but before we do it i want to take a guess.

Hank: i gotta take a stab at it.

Greg: okay the real answer so are oranges named oranges because they are orange? or is the color orange called orange because oranges? are orange I'm gonna say wait what if like?

Hank: because there is there is a third option here that the word orange and the color like the fruit orange and the color orange are not linguistically related. that happens sometimes. there are situations where and in fact there is this there are some Places called orange like town names and those. actually. well that Orange County comes from from oranges, but in England I think there's like a town named orange and that actually comes from a different name a different linguistic root than the color orange and the fruit orange. But they are linked. The color and the fruit are linked. That is not the answer.

Greg: Okay, my guess is going to be the color came first. And then, because I also know that human beings just aren't that imaginative. So if somebody saw an orange and was like, oh, it's like the sky or the color orange or the sunset orange. So we're just going to name that fruit orange.

You are incorrect!

Hank: Damn it. We actually named the colors relatively late considering how we treat really. so we like colors when we're teaching children like it's one. of the first things they learn is like you were trying to be like this is a blue fish and this is an orange fish and like Teaching that relationship is part of cognitive development and like that you can apply labels to something and it is still a fish but it is a different colored fish or it's a big fish or a small fish or whatever. So we use colors in that way a lot and so it seems to us in the today world that colors are a very basic property. but I Listen to a podcast once in which they hit me with the very slow and like not all at once inclusion of different colors into vocabularies and it happened quite slowly and orange the color was drawn out of orange the fruit and orange interestingly the word that we you know the sort of root of the word orange is really old because apparently we've had oranges for a long time and it's one of the not very many words in English that is actually from Sanskrit and yeah and it sounds pretty similar to more similar to like the Spanish word for orange. than our word for orange which is like naranja or naranj and then we some and I think the French took it and made it into something more like orange and then we turned it into oranges. So that's the situation with oranges.

Also, maybe because of its weird root is why there are not very many words that rhyme with it. Or none. Depending on how you count.

I did a bunch of research on the word orange.

Greg: This is how you spend your nights. When you're not trying to keep this baby alive, you're on Wikipedia, tracing the root origin of orange.

Hank: Well, Brooke needed an answer, Greg.

Greg: And God bless you for being that firm.

Hank: Um, yeah. Yep. This next question, Greg, comes from Megan, and I've just been pasting your name in because you're here.

Greg: Do I know you're trying to make it look like you planned this at all, rather than just grabbing me off the streets? I drop my bagel here, I'm in a podcast room.

Hank: Well, it is what you do. I mean, uh, it comes from Megan who asks Dear Hank and Greg One, people named Megan Johnson at my college. Do.

Greg: you go to Megan Johnson College?

Hank: Three of which have my same middle initial. My question is, how can I become the ruler of the Megan Johnsons and differentiate myself as the best Megan Johnson among those at my university? Duplicates and dragonfruits, Megan. 

Greg: Megan, this is a question that has plagued mankind for a long time. Not the Megan Johnson part. But how do you differentiate yourself from people who have the same name as you?

Hank: Well first of all, I gotta say if your last name is Johnson, you gotta name your kid. something weird. Like you just got to, you can't name your kid John or Steve, well probably Steve would be okay these days, but certainly not Megan, and not any, like you gotta look at the roles and be like anything in the top hundred is out. Cause you know you're setting your child up for this situation.

Greg: Sure. Yeah.

Hank: I mean, I'm a Miller, right? You're a Miller. So many Greg Millers out there. So what are you gonna, you gotta name your offspring something that isn't, isn't common.

You gotta...

Greg: I think orange.

Hank: It can't rhyme with anything, so I like that. It's. very similar to my son's name. Weirdly enough. What's your son's name?

His name is Orin. And his last, and his initial of his last name is G, so he's like Orin G. Oh, that's good though.

I mean it was not on purpose just to be very clear. I'm sure it wasn't.

Greg: I'm sure it wasn't, yeah. You know, you're among friends and family here. You don't have to hide it. You can be honest with why you named your son that because you're a big Warren G fan and you thought this would be kind of a twist on it.

Hank: Yeah, sure.

Greg: So I feel like for this question, there's two ways to go with it. There's, for Greg Miller at least. There's a college way. I differentiated myself and then my post college way.

Because obviously I graduate college, I want to go into the world of video game journalism, I'm going to be online. There's a million Greg Millers and I need to get to the top of Google search results. But above me was number one, Greg Miller lock picker for beginner, lock picker, lock picking for beginners, which was just a book about lock. picking.

Okay. Number two was Greg Miller, Elvis impersonator in Vegas. Number three was Greg Miller who had gregmiller.com. for Greg Miller Photography.

And I thought I would never be able to usurp. But on the internet it was simple, Megan. Just take your shirt off a lot and talk about video games for a long time and there you go.

You eventually get to the top. A bunch of people follow you on Twitter and you beat it that way. Now, in college, when I went to college, I wasn't worried so much about how do I differentiate myself from Greg Miller.

It was just like, who do I want to be at college? And now, it would give you a little bit of a prologue to this, Hank. I went to Catholic school so I wore uniforms from kindergarten to 12th grade until I graduated high school.

So I graduate high school feeling liberated. I'm going to college now, I can wear whatever I want, I can be whoever I want Hank. The man I decide to be is this.

I walk in to my dormitory at the University of Missouri. It's a hot day in the end. of August here getting ready to start a new school year. I walk in and from Foot to head it goes like this.

I'm wearing red Converse high tops. I am wearing tube socks up to the middle of my shin. I am wearing jean shorts.

And no jean shorts were not in style back then, I just wore them. I am then wearing a wrestling t-shirt. Probably the WCW invasion angle, I was a big fan of that.

However, over the wrestling t-shirt Hank, I am wearing a Hawaiian shirt. Of which I bought seven. And you might say, why would you buy seven Hawaiian shirts?

Because Hank, I said when I was finally out from underneath this uniform oppression, I said, I'm going to go to college and every day, every day Hank, I'm going to wear a Hawaiian shirt over my wrestling shirts, my superhero shirts, whatever shirts I'm wearing. And you may say, Hank, Greg, why would you make this choice? And the choice was based on an episode of The Simpsons.

Where Homer says to Marge when Bart is wearing a Hawaiian shirt, Marge, only two kinds of people wear Hawaiian shirts, big fat party. animals and gay guys. And I said, I want to go to college and be a big fat party animal. Now you might think that's the coup de grace, that's the top of the story.

Hank: No, let's go up a little bit higher.

Greg: I'm wearing then the black rimmed glasses I still wear to this day because they just look awesome. But then my hair is bright blue, Millhouse blue. I graduated high school, I said no more uniforms, I can do whatever I want, I bleached my hair, I dyed it blue, and I wore it that way for a year and a half on the University of Missouri campus. And Meghan, I'm not saying you need to do this to differentiate yourself, but I'll let you know.

I was very different.

Hank: I mean, I will tell you that I did not that. But similarly, I went to regular public school so I got to wear whatever I wanted in high school. But I also, even in high school, were like intentionally attention-grabbing items of terrible clothing. And you know, I think to some extent, please look at me.

Which obviously, if you become fairly popular on the internet, it's possible that you have a little bit of a please look at me. desire. So so do you do? one question to ask yourself Megan is do you want to be the leader of the Megan Johnson's? So if you're sure you want that I think it will start being the leader of the Megan Johnson's. would that have your same middle initial? and then and then they become your sort of like brain trust? and Then yeah, that small group can go and take over all the rest of the Megan Johnson's. but the good news Is that like taking over?

Taking over 21 people, it's not that hard. I mean, people take over whole nations. So you gotta start somewhere.

Greg: Invite all the Megan Johnsons together on the quad or whatever, then knock out the tallest one. Just like in prison. And that will assert your dominance over the Megan Johnsons, and they'll all worship.

Hank: I was worried that this was gonna go like Red Wedding on us, and I was like, nope, stop. 

Greg: Advocating murder, just fighting people for no reason.

Hank: Just punching a stranger because she has your name.

Greg: Or you know the other thing. too Megan just say you're the Rock's daughter and then everybody's gonna be like oh my gosh That's Dwayne Johnson's daughter like we have to befriend her. She's the Megan Johnson. 

Hank: Yes, oh That's it. Can you kid? is that? is that a passable lie like like? it is a pretty information dense world these days. I feel like people can figure it out But I feel like there's got to be something you can say.

Greg: your finagle on prove it.

Hank: You know yeah, yeah exactly Just like edit that Wikipedia page every single morning. Yeah, just get a screen grab of it.

Greg: This is what happened before TMZ took it down or whatever. 

Hank: All right. You ready for another one? No, I'm gonna hit you with our sponsors, Greg, because this podcast is brought to you by Megan Johnson, daughter of Dwayne The Rock Johnson, available at university, leading all Megan Johnsons there and everywhere.

Greg: It's also brought to you by water. It's wet.

Hank: It's dry.

Greg: It's wet! God damn it! You know what I mean? They bought this space to tell you and settle it once and for all.

It's wet. Touch it. Is it wet?

Hank: It's wet. This podcast is also brought to you by Eugene Levy's eyebrows. Slowly trying to crawl upon my own face.

Greg: Wow. They're gonna get you if you let them. I think your final sponsor, if I'm correct, is Airport Restaurants. They're Airport Restaurants.

They're to feed you when you've had a baby.

Hank: Hahaha, God, yes. I did not remember that reference. That had left me. I was like, what are you talking about?

But yeah.

Greg: Well, my favorite, when you were telling the story, I, you know, like, the podcast moves so fast, I won't interrupt, but when you're telling the story, you're like, I was sitting there eating food.

Hank: I was like, well, what else would you be eating? Other babies, I don't think. I could be eating, I could be eating ice, just this weird mineral that we just eat in order to not be Dry on the inside. So weird.

Greg: But you can put water on that to make it wet.

Hank: I could wet my eyes. Alright. Let's hit like one or two more questions. I don't know how long we've been recording because my recording is set to measures, so we've been recording for 1432 measures at. 120 beats per minute, so...

Greg: I believe that equates to about 46 minutes.

Hank: Okay, thank you for doing the conversion for me.

Greg: You're welcome.

Hank: Alright, we've got one or two more questions before we get to the news from Mars and AFC Wimbledon. This one comes from Jackie who asks, Dear Hank and Greg, whenever it rains, snails start appearing all over the country. 

Greg: Man, you guys write in about weird stuff in this podcast. Weird, weird stuff.

Hank: I mean, snails are a garden pest? Like, they're the thing that eats your plants.

Greg: That's horrible! Well, but like- Yeah, but they do it really slowly. Caterpillars, those are the ones you gotta look out for.

Hank: Depends on what you're- If you got, like, cabbage, ah man, snails and slugs are the worst. You open up your cabbage and you're like, I thought I was gonna have this beautiful cabbage and instead I have, like, a weird slug ball. And it's mostly slug. And that's not what- that's not what I worked all year watering this thing for.

Good point. I- I guess that the snails are trying to stay dry. Because the rain is wet.

Greg: Yeah, the rain makes the. ground wet.

Hank: And the snails. Yeah, it's weird to me. It appears, when I lived in Florida, this is not the case in Montana, because it barely rains ever here. When it would rain they would just be like where did these things come from?

Where were they like? did were they just like born by their? did they fall out of the sky and then you have to worry about them dying or getting stepped on or just they're everywhere and It actually sometimes I feel like I can. I could smell the smell of all the snails that died after a big rainstorm. Terrible sure awful weird snot smell.

Greg: Yeah, that's the thing about snails and slugs. Yeah, you don't think they're out there and then when it does rain and they come out That's really like where have you all been hiding? What were you up to? What are you plotting?

Hank: What is that? Where is the? where is the magical like snail wonderland where you all hang out when it's dry and that gets flooded every time it rains?

Greg: And I like Jackie worries about you. are they trying to flee the rain? are they suffers? I'm always whenever I see a snail out in the rain on the sidewalk of the street. I just. it's one of those like I like. It's one of those rare occurrences where I can see it in the future.

You're gonna get smooshed. It's not by me, but someone's gonna step on you, you're gonna get hit by a car, you should've just stayed wherever you were. I know you're worried about drowning, you know, they breathe through their skin most of the time so they need to get away from it, but like, you're in trouble, buddy.

Hank: You're in trouble, buddy. I do, like, Jackie, I will commend you on your sympathy for protecting snails from the natural processes in which they will die, but Do remember, they'll die no matter what. And so will everything. 

Greg: It's true. That's part of life. Death is part of life. I can't believe you're letting caterpillars off.

It's so easy, though. I guess it's because my mom had these big rhubarb plants. And the caterpillars would get on those leaves and eat those.

And I always wanted the rhubarb cobbler. So I was always anti-caterpillar way more than anti-snail.

Hank: I feel. ya. I feel ya. I guess we have both of those problems here in Montana. I don't know.

Slugs are just way grosser, you know? Like you cut... Yo, no, they're definitely grosser.

Oh, they're so sluggy. But no I agree if you're trying to feed humans with plants Those those organisms are not your friends. and Yeah, so that's that's why I just let somebody else grow all my food now. I don't try.

I don't try to do that anymore. It's too much.

Greg: Well, it's just so much work. You gotta monitor it. You gotta look for these guys. I'll tell you I'll take a tangent for you here.

So one time I was out at the Kankakee River, Kankakee, Illinois We caught a bunch of snails. I thought I would bring them home and put them into the aquarium of my aquatic turtle, Pokey 2. I brought them in, I put them into Pokey 2's aquarium, went to bed, woke up the next day, he had eaten all the snails.

Hank: That's great!

Greg: Shells and all. It was crazy. Pokey 2 was a pretty chill turtle that I also got from the Kankakee River. So you thought these. guys would have some kind of Kankakee River communal agreement that they're all gonna just chill out, they'd remember each other.

That was not the case. And at first I thought maybe the snails had escaped. I was looking for slime trails out of the aquarium, and then it just became clear, no, no, he ate them.

Hank: Well, that's great. You can keep going getting Kankakee snails or whatever that word was and bringing them back. You don't have to buy turtle food anymore. He's got snails.

Greg: Yeah, that's a good point, I guess.

Hank: I mean, what do you think? Mother Earth she gives. What do you think Poke Turtle was eating when he was in the river?

Greg: Yeah, we never talked about it. He was a baby. I mean, to be clear, we kidnapped him. He was a very small turtle when we got him.

I kind of feel bad looking back on that. But then again, I don't know how turtles really roll if they have a family thing. And I know what your listeners are thinking.

I'm talking about Pokey 2. Was the original Pokey his brother in the river? No.

Original Pokey was a box turtle. who lived in an aquarium next to Pokey 2. So they were brothers that I had brought together, but not brothers by blood.

Hank: Right, they weren't even species brothers. Correct, yeah. And Pokey One was just like a store turtle? Yeah, oh yeah.

He was just chillin'.

Greg: She liked to eat carrots. One time we put her in the backyard, my dad fenced her in with chicken wires so she could be out in the grass. Nice. And we, you know, went about our day and then we came back and she'd escaped.

No! And like there was a moment of panic. But then we remembered that all Pokey ever wanted to do was hibernate.

So we just went to the darkest corner that we could find in the yard and sure enough there she was sleeping. 

Hank: Back in the year, endless nightmare of the sun always being on. Oh yeah, I had to escape so that I could relax. I had to rest. Jailbreak so that I can sleep.

It's good.

Greg: A very slow jailbreak to the side of the house to point my head against the foundation.

Hank: Alright, Greg, did you bring us news from AFC Wimbledon?

Greg: I? have breaking news from AFC Wimbledon. Are you ready?

Hank: Yeah!

Greg: Alright, the headline is. Neil sums up his disappointment after a defeat at Yeoville.

Hank: Oh no.

Greg: This is by Chris Slavin, of course. Neil Ardley concluded that it was a poor team performance from Wimbledon's much-charged lineup at Yeoville Town after last night's Check a Trade trophy exit. Speaking during an interview for iFollow after last night's 2-0 loss, Neil said, the best team won! They were much more at it than us in every way, both physically and mentally.

Hank: It was a poor performance.

Greg: Too many players who had not played at first team level for a while seemed to be a bit rusty. We played players out of position, which was hard because of the lack of players we had, but that's no excuse. There is loads to learn from it, lots of development for the younger boys, but the best team won. Ouch.

It's a rough one. You know what I mean? If you can't get a W in Yoville, you got problems.

Hank: That's right. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, I know nothing about that at all. But I yeah.

Greg: No, none of this made sense to me at. all.

Hank: I know I'm acting like I understood. Well, the good news is that AFC Wimbledon is getting a bunch of a bunch of money coming up soon because they've they've pulled a very good draw in the FA Cup. So they're gonna play in a very big stadium against a very big team. so they get half the money and so instead of the normal like 4,000 tickets they're gonna sell like 80,000 or something ridiculous so good that that will hopefully allow them to invest in in some players. I think John's gonna talk more about that next week on the podcast if they come out in the order that I believe they're going to come out in In Mars News, Greg, do you want to know about the Mars News that I found?

It's really weird. I should just search for Mars on Hello Poetry and see what happens.

Greg: There's gonna be a lot of Mars bars poetry and then a few on the planet.

Hank: Baby kiss me like we're on Mars and the only breath we have is from each other's lungs.

Greg: Oh! Leo!

Hank: Whoo! Plus 23 with with two point three thousand likes or something. on whatever platform this is. Whatever that icon is, it's got two point three thousand. Sorry, I got distracted from my actual Mars news, which is that you know Buzz Aldrin, right?

Greg: I do know Buzz Aldrin personally.

Hank: So he he went to the moon and he's doing a brand deal right now. Which I love that he's Buzz Aldrin, he's doing a brand deal. He's doing a brand deal with Spray...

Greg: Hey man, 2017, get paid.

Hank: Yeah, he's doing it with Sprayground, a New York based accessories label. So that second human step on the moon is doing his first and only fashion collaboration, a Mission to Mars themed capsule line. And when they say capsule, I think they mean back... Paa- well I don't know actually what a capsule line is.

So there's a backpack with solar panels on it, a duffel bag, a baseball cap, and gloves, all emblazoned with a colorful assortment of patches, including one featuring Aldrin's face in the words, Moon, Mars, and Beyond. And I've gone to Sprayground's collaborations page, sprayground.com slash collaboration slash bud- Buzz-Aldrin-Mission-2-Mars.html. Which we'll link to on the Patreon because oh my god it's so cool!

He's in like. a freaking hovercar! And these hot ladies have guns and some clear cybernetic armor and they're all wearing this very, very cool but also pretty nerdy backpack that I almost definitely am going to buy. There's also a Mission to Mars- Yeah, look at this stuff too.

Greg: It's easy to make fun of it, but yeah, this stuff actually looks pretty cool.

Hank: The Mission to Mars Shark Patches parka Buzz Aldrin collab, also very cool. The solar powered backpack is coming soon. The non-solar powered backpack is available now for $80. And the gloves are only $20. and oh, they're really frickin' cool.

Oh man, I didn't expect to like this as much as I do. I know, right? It feels weird.

Greg: It sounds so goofy when you look at it like that.

Hank: This is definitely something that like Greg Miller would totally have worn freshman year of college.

Greg: Oh my God!

Hank: Greg Miller right now in 2018 is thinking about wearing it. All right, well, this was a bad brand deal that we didn't get paid for, but Sprayground is doing a very cool Mission to Mars, Mission to Mars fashion collab with Buzz Aldrin, who's sitting in his. amazing Space Chair, however that got made. Oh man, the world, the universe is such a wonderful place. I'm gonna have a fun time shopping.

It's such a weird mass show.

Greg: It's Buzz Aldrin, and it's Mass Effect, and it's Star Wars, and it's Division. It's like a million, it's all these, and it's sharks. The sharks don't make any sense.

Hank: Yeah the shark, there's like shark bites all over the place. I'm upset that I'm going to have to wait until this podcast comes out to tweet about this. Yeah, right. But wonderful.

So that's the news from Mars. Greg, can you tell me what exactly we learned today on this podcast, if anything?

Greg: Water is definitively wet.

Hank: Alright.

Greg: You can't say water is dry, so that's the thing you learn.

Hank: I'm pretty sure that water is dry. I did tweet about water being dried during this podcast and I kind of want to see what the responses to that have been. My friend Taha looks like he's maybe a little bit frustrated with me and what else have we got? It's non-alcoholic so it's dry in the sense like a dry county.

That's good. David says the earth. is a triangle. just to come back at me and I have to say it's maybe not my best performing tweet I feel like it's really like coming in significantly under the bar with 300 likes. usually I'm Doing better than here.

Greg: Here's the thing. You know, I love you. I respect you. You built an empire.

You're amazing. You're a coward. If you were a man, you would have made this a hole, but you knew you'd get trumped, so you didn't put a hole in there.

There's no easy way to get to that.

Hank: My friend Greg Miller just responded to this tweet with just two characters in a punctuation. It's N-O period. So...

Greg: Somebody's gotta say it.

Hank: Water's dry. I think water might be dry. I'm really excited to defend this terrible opinion for years and years to come. I'm ready to have some different arguments on the internet right now.

I'm done. I'm done with the Okay. And we also learned. we also learned that uh that you shouldn't touch your rustic bread with raw meat in a library.

Greg: Great point. We also learned about a great site called hellopoetry.com.

Hank: Oh, we learned all about hellopoetry.com. I feel really weird. I didn't know more about Hello Poetry until now.

Greg: And finally, I mean, I changed the game for you guys.

Hank: Finally, we learned that Buzz Aldrin is still working it right now. Fashion model, space astronaut Buzz Aldrin. Thank you for potting with me, Greg Miller. This was an absolute joy and very fun.

Greg: It's been a pleasure. Thank you so much for having me.

Hank: All right. This podcast. is produced by Rosianna Halse Rojas and Sheridan Gibson. It's edited by Nicholas Jenkins. Our head of community and communications is Victoria Bongiorno.

You can find out more about Dear Hank and John at patreon.com. slash dearhankandjohn where you can also support us and get our occasional five to ten minute very bad podcast that is only for patrons called This Week in Ryans. You can also send us questions at hankandjohnatgmail.com. I am Hank Green on Twitter.

John is John Green. Greg is I think Game Over Gregi on Twitter if you want to get some of that going on. And you can find out all about Kinda Funny all over the place.

They make hilarious stuff that's really fun. And one more thing. The theme. music that you're hearing right now is from The Great Gunnarolla and also the music at the beginning.

And as they say on our hometown, don't forget to be us.