Hank: Hello and welcome to Dear Hank and John.

John: Or as I prefer to think of it, Dear John and Hank.

Hank: It's a podcast about comedy and death where two brothers give you dubious advice and answer your questions and bring you all the week's news from both Mars and AFC Wimbledon. I forgot to look up Mars news I just realized now. 

John: You usually ask me how I'm doing. How are you doing, John? I'm just going to keep giving you prompts the whole time. I am well.

We are home from our tour. It was a whirlwind month together on the bus. It was magical.

It was long. It was wonderful. I am glad to be sleeping in the same bed every night and back together with my family.

So Hank, you know what I've been doing the last few days? I've been clearing honeysuckle from my backyard. Honeysuckle is an invasive bush and I have been clearing it. with an axe and a machete and it feels great Hank. the good news is there is so much honeysuckle in central Indiana.

I might become the like Johnny Appleseed of destroying honeysuckle like the reverse Johnny honeysuckle Johnny honeysuckle. that's what they're gonna call me. This may be what I devote my life to because I have found the last four or five days to be so magnificently clarifying. I have no desire to do anything other than clear honeysuckle from the world.

Hank: You may be unsurprised to hear that I have been in a lot of meetings over the last four days. instead of doing what you're doing. Talking to people about all the things that I missed while I was out of town and doing a bunch of SciShow videos and uh... doing an Eons shoot today, and Dear Hank and John today, did our Foundation to Decrease World Suck board meeting this morning, talking about the Project for Awesome and how that's gonna go, we're talking about Pizzamas, we're talking about DFTBA, we're talking about Vidcon, we're talking about PodCon, all the things. I feel like if I had a honeysuckle problem in my yard, it would be the worst honeysuckle problem any yard has ever had.

John: Well good news Hank you have a brother who is more than happy to fly to Missoula and take care of that honeysuckle. I won't go to any of. those meetings. that all sounds horrible. I am so glad when I hear you say that I'm just so glad that you demoted me. I'm so glad to be reporting to you and no longer to be co-boss with you As my boss. by the way I need to ask for another week off so I can clear some more honeysuckle. 

Hank: You know you take you take all the time you need John.

John: That's what I needed to hear and also what I required to hear otherwise I would have quit. Hank let's answer some questions from our listeners by the way. I enjoyed doing this on the phone with you. it real life is fun. It's a little intense though especially when there's Hank, this first question comes from Alice, who writes.

Dear John and Hank, My brother-in-law and I have been puzzling over a question for a while now, and I would be very grateful if you could give us an answer. What is the smallest part of the body you can be a doctor in? Tempus edax rerum, Alice.

Hank: That's good Hank. What's the largest part of the body you can be a doctor in? Let's start. there.

John: Well, the way the question was phrased made me think about the movie Innerspace where people like shrunk down into being tiny people so they could be a doctor inside of someone's body.

Hank: What's the smallest doctor you can be in? a body? part would be Innerspace. That's a separate question.

John: Right, the answer to that is Innerspace. I think the biggest part of the body you can be a doctor in has to be dermatology, right? Like isn't the skin the largest human organ?

Hank: Uh, yeah. Yeah, well, I probably I don't know. There's also like bones. There's a lot of bones, but I think Cuz cuz like bones don't really count as an organ, but you can be like a bone doctor.

You can also just be a doctor of like everything like it. just a general practitioner is just a doctor of the whole body Theoretically. and then when you have like a more specific problem, they're like, oh go see my friend Jeremiah, he just looks at toes. Right.

John: Or I would also argue that perhaps the largest part of the body you can be a doctor in is psychiatry because of course, like, you. know, the mind contains infinite vastnesses.

Hank: Mm-hmm.

John: Right. That might have been too much.

Hank: No, that's very good. That's good. No, I'm there with you, John.

John: Okay, the smallest part of a body you can be a doctor in and bear in mind that Hank and I are both MDs. before all of this YouTube stuff we Pursued our medical degrees. We passed our boards and everything and then we just gave it all up to read teleprompters. The smallest part of the body you can be a doctor and I believe has to be a gland right like maybe the pituitary gland.

Hank: Yeah, how big is the pituitary?

John: I believe it is the size of a walnut.

Hank: The pituitary gland size of space fish is the first autocomplete.

John: Well that is incorrect. It is an endocrine gland about the size of a pea that weighs 0.5 grams in humans.

Hank: That's very small and I bet you can be a doctor of the pituitary gland. Do you think you can be like a doctor of just pores? Like I'm a doctor of pores. Pores are very small.

John: Well, but you'd have to be a doctor of one individual pore, which. would be weird. Like, I'm the doctor of the pore right, like the one that you always get a zit on right at the edge of your nostril. I'm the doctor of that pore.

Hank: Please, I need that doctor. It's always right in like the crease, in the crease. between my nose where my nose meets my face part which is weird because your nose is part of your face but you know what I mean and it's like right in there and I don't know why it's like extra irritating there to have a zit there.

John: I know what you mean mostly because I have noticed over the years that you often get astonishingly huge zits right there where you're talking about.

Hank: Well thank you so much. I'm glad at least to know that you're looking at my face a lot. so that's nice.

John: You're welcome. Let's include that entire pause Nick. So people will be like, wait, is my podcast app working? It's your turn, Hank.

You answer, ask a question.

Hank: I just, I feel like there must be something smaller that you could be a doctor in.

John: No, it's the pituitary gland. It's the size of a. pea, Hank.

Hank: It's smaller than a toe. In any case, I'm frustrated that you got to the right answer too fast.

John: Well, the good news is that means we can answer more questions. If you don't ask one, I will.

Hank: This next question, it comes from Jojo, who asks, Dear Hank and John, Why do we rub our eyes when we are tired? Wake me up before you, Jojo.

John: Oh, that's a great name-specific sign-off.

Hank: It's also a question-specific sign-off because they need us to wake them up. Because they're tired.

John: So, I mean, that might be the greatest sign off in the history of Dear Hank and John, which is really saying something. Hank, why do we rub our eyes when we're tired? Do you know?

Hank: Here's what I will say, that my view on this has changed dramatically since having a child, because one of the first signals of, like, a state that my baby was in, like, there was crying and I knew that that was, like, the baby was in a bad State and but one of the first ones that wasn't crying was eye rubbing and I was like, oh you're tired You're rubbing your. eyes and yawning because you're tired and like. what a useful signal. Thank you very much for letting me know. I had always assumed that that was like a blanket thing that we learned from cartoons was like oh you rub your eyes when you get tired like how tweety birds fly around your head when you get hit by a 2x4. No, this is a thing that is ingrained in humans, and I had no idea until I had a baby.

John: For the record, I think Tweety birds do kind of fly around your head when you get hit by a two-by-four, but I read about this. I actually did some research on like some people.

Hank: Oh, well, I bet your research is gonna be wrong, so I'll go ahead.

John: It's gonna be really good, Hank, because it comes from Susan Blackmore, psychology professor, so there you go. Tired eyes get dry and rubbing stimulates the lacrimal glands to produce more fluid. That's it. That's the reason.

When you're tired, your eyes get dry and you press them because it makes a gland release fluid.

Hank: Do you think that there's any doctors of the lacrimal gland? Because I bet. the lacrimal gland is smaller than the pituitary gland.

John: The lacrimal...lac...lac... The lacrimal gland are paired exocrine glands, one for each eye, that are about the size of an almond.

Hank: Oh, that's bigger than a pea.

John: Nope, I'm wrong. I'm wrong. I'm wrong. They're shaped like an almond.

They're smaller than an almond.

Hank: I was wondering how I had a whole almond in there. There's not a lot of space in your face. No, you don't.

John: You don't.

Hank: I bet, I bet there's somebody who just studies the lacrimal gland, like Dr. Ricardo A. Mead, MD.

John: Well sure, but there's no doc, like you don't, oh you've got a lacrimal gland problem, let me send you the lacrimal gland expert, you just go to an eye doctor, or a, I, I don't know. This is, this is, I don't, is this a good bit? This might be stupid.

Hank: Uh, I, I, yeah, I, in general I feel like it's because there's like itchiness and irritation, and that might be because of the dryness, it might be because you just like. Yeah, it would probably be because of the dryness. And you're just sort of like scratching an itch when you. rub your eyes. Because when you get tired, your eyes get itchy.

John: There you go. Alright, we answered the question.

Hank: And that happens to babies. And it's so cute!

John: It is really cute. And babies don't know how cliched they look when they're doing it.

Hank: No, right? Yeah.

John: And that's part of what makes it so cute. I find whenever little kids do things that are super cliche but they're unaware of like the larger narrative arcs of the social order I find it completely adorable.

Hank: And then once they learn that like this is the thing I'm supposed to do it's like oh my god stop.

John: Yeah no totally. That's called adolescence. This next question comes from Alice who writes. Dear John and Hank, I'm a primary care provider working in Canada.

Oh, you should talk to the other Alice. She had a question you might know the answer to and I see so many new babies for their first visits and subsequent visits. most of these visits include vaccinations against an assortment of diseases. I've had some difficulty with some parents who don't want to vaccinate their children for various reasons.

I haven't yet had any success in. convincing any of them that vaccinating is the way to go. Here's the thing, Alice.

Hank: I don't.

John: Neither do I, Alice.

Hank: So I did make a video on SciShow called the Science of Anti-Vaccination which is one of my favorite SciShows we've ever done. that goes into the psychology of how people get stuck in those thought processes and how and like the biases that lead us to make decisions that are not ultimately in the best interests of. you know the people that we love the most in the world and also the entire social order and that's a really like. this is a really hard one and it's worrying and I don't like. what we find over and over again is kind of engaging people with these ideas sets them more. it like it puts them on the defensive and they they start to tie it to their identity and once it's part of their identity fighting against it is like is like literally fighting with them. it's a battle that they are being that they are that they are fighting to preserve themselves and that's no good.

John: So there was this study done recently that took a. group of people who believed that tax cuts lead to higher overall federal revenue. This is a common misconception that because tax cuts spur growth, that growth will lead to more economic production, which will be taxable, and then the tax revenue will go up even though the tax rates have gone down. It's a compelling idea. Unfortunately, it's just not true.

Hank: But if we could take the tax rate all the way down to zero, the government would have infinite money.

John: Well, I mean that is one of the ways of pointing out that it's not true. Another way is by looking at all of the tax cuts in American history. So we've seen again and again in US history that when we cut tax rates, it does lead to increased economic activity. People debate how much, but it does, which is taxable.

But nonetheless, overall federal tax revenue goes down. And so that's a really consistent story in the history of taxation in the US. And in this study, they showed people this documentation and then at the end of the study people on average were more convinced than they had been before that lowering taxes leads to. more overall government revenue and I do not know what to do about this problem.

I don't think, by the way, it is a problem unique to people who have that particular misconception. There are probably a lot of misconceptions that I have that I also struggle to let go of in the face of evidence. And I don't know how to solve this problem, Alice.

I think it is a big problem. That's why I wanted to read your question. And I have no solutions.

Hank: Yeah, the other thing that I it's almost as if as soon as it becomes a point on which you can have an opinion people will become divided on it and that is a thing. I know that we've been talking about this some on tour and on vlogbrothers. that is part of the thing that like worries me about the call to always have an opinion on everything that that the social internet I think in particular makes us feel because as soon as we sort of like establish an opinion it becomes part of our identity and it becomes a point of division. and it and like you know a thing that. used to be. just like you know vaccines like fewer babies die. these things are good becomes something that is a sudden political piece of contention that you know can. that devalues our opinion of the expertise of Doctors but also Phrase the fabric of like not just like the social order but like the the tools that we use to prevent us from getting sick. And we do now see a lot more people you know Children getting whooping cough and measles and all these diseases that we just shouldn't have to deal with because we have ways of preventing them.

John: Slightly off topic Hank. Did you know that I had whooping cough?

Hank: No, really?

John: Yeah when I was in college Uh-huh.

Hank: No. Yeah. I do remember that now.

John: Yeah, I got I did get vaccinated for it But the vaccine sometimes wears off and there was a very small outbreak of whooping cough at my tiny little college. I think it was like six people and I was one of the six and I can tell you whooping cough blows like I Mean. it's terrible. I would cough until I threw up almost every day for like a. month and a half. And I would be like, this is so stupid.

And I also, I had a hundred degree fever for like a month and a half. I was like, this is the stupidest disease I have ever had. And I've had some stupid diseases over the years.

So anyway, yeah, I'm opposed to whooping cough. I just wanted to put that out there. 

Hank: One of John's opinions that he's holding onto.

John: I'm holding onto that opinion. I am opposed to whooping cough. I think it is a dumb disease and I think it should be eliminated from humans. Hard stop.

Hank: This next question comes from NJ who asks, Dear Hank and John, Hank, where do you find your Mars news? How can I find out more about Mars? What websites, books, or magazines should I read? I love your podcast, but mostly the Mars news.

Where's sunblock NJ? Well, thanks for your question NJ. You'll love my new podcast is just all Mars news.

No. I find my Mars news in the same places that you find regular news. I got a new phone recently and it's disturbingly good at knowing what my interests are.

So for example, just because my brother is John Green, it's always showing me the scores of the AFC Wimbledon games. And and there's always always somewhere on that front page Sometimes there's stories about shirts because I run it. I run a merchandise company So like it knows that I'm into shirts.

So recently I started getting started getting news articles about shirt companies or Like shirt science or soon.

John: It's gonna be reporting to you. Like what? what are the cotton prices for today?

Hank: Totally Which would be great. I'd be into that. But yeah, it's also always throwing Mars news at me. So since I got this phone, if I've sort of had an easier time finding the Mars news, it just sort of comes to me when I'm tired of looking at Twitter and I swipe to the left and suddenly I'm confronted with, you know, bummers.

Some bummers, but also usually some Mars news. But yeah, there's a few great science websites out there. Universe Today is one that I go to a lot.

Scientific American has always been my favorite. 

John: Hank, your disturbingly intelligent phone reminded me of something, which is that there is a a pretty widespread conspiracy theory that maybe isn't a conspiracy theory about how our phones are listening to us even when we are not aware of the fact that they're listening to us and we think of them as being off and that maybe it's using stuff that we say to target our advertising. so I just want to take this opportunity to say to everyone who's listening to Dear Hank and John I am really struggling with the question of whether Tide detergent is worth it. Is it really different from generic brands? Are there other forms of laundry detergent like awl or cheer that might be better for my family than Tide detergent? I'm just going to see if anything happens as a result of that.

Hank: Everybody just play that part of the podcast out loud so that your phone is hearing John talk. and report back to us if you get a lot of laundry detergent ads.

John: Let us know what Alexa slash Facebook slash Google slash Twitter slash. some company that you don't even know exists and that you didn't put on your phone but it's still there thinks of that.

Hank: I just, I'm just thinking about. whether or not I'm gonna start using a different detergent. I think it's time for me to consider changing my detergent to a different laundry detergent. There.

John: I think we've got it, Hank. I mean, if it can be done, we did it. It's like that time that I accidentally, on purpose, ordered many copies of The Fault in Our Stars by saying on the podcast, Hey Alexa, I'm not gonna say the rest of it. Because people got so actually and justifiably mad at me.

Hank: This is not, you're using your power for bad, John.

John: Alright Hank, this next question comes from Libby, who asks, Dear John and Hank, peeing in the shower, fine? Thank you Libby.

Hank: I mean, it's your shower.

John: Well, or is it?

Hank: Well if it isn't, it's not fine. Don't pee on anyone else's anything except Toilet water.

John: Hank, this is one of many questions I don't have to look at in my own personal life because of baths. Thank God for baths which have solved so many problems for me Including the problem of whether it's okay to pee in the shower because one thing is for certain. It's not okay to pee in.

Hank: the bath I Mean but that is a problem then because you can't pee while you're bathing the way that shower people can. Yeah, it's not a problem.

John: I mean, you act like my bathtub and my toilet are in different zip codes, when in fact they are perhaps four feet from each other.

Hank: So I'm not a shower-peer, but I do, like, when I get into the shower, I will often be like, oh, now I have to pee. And I think that this is kind of why there's so much shower peeing. that happens, because, like, as soon as you, like, get all nice and warm, your stinkters relax, and it's like, hey, you know what I could do right now? I could really go for a whiz and so yeah and also like it's all going to the same place like you don't have to worry about that it's.

John: there is something about when people bring up peeing that makes you need to pee. in fact it's I know because it's happening to me right now like I was fine 45 seconds ago and now I'm like. I don't know if I can make it to the. end of the pod without peeing uh-huh. so we've inserted a bit of a ticking time bomb into the podcast because This week in Ryan's is going to be real rushed. It's going to be very short this week because and this week's Ryan is going to be like Niagara Falls.

Hank: It's a terrible idea. Oh goodness. This week's Ryan is the Atacama Desert. Everything is fine.

There's no water at all.

John: Today's podcast is brought to you by needing to pee. Needing to pee. An ongoing issue since 45 seconds ago.

Hank: This podcast is also brought to you by Laundry detergent. 

John: Hank Green, DFTBA, Been.

Hank: since the beginning of us doing that some various ways to get media to include Legally in those videos and it has always been very either very hard or very expensive and often that leads us to doing things that are maybe a little bit like shouldn't be doing them like taking pictures that maybe we shouldn't be using. and it is so wonderful to now have a Storyblocks subscription which I learned about from a different podcast and have been able to include you know for a price that I can afford and. that isn't a big deal for for me include great video, great audio, great pictures in my videos and you know I like. I've been doing this for years now using Storyblocks and it's a wonderful service that works really well and much better than the services I was using before.

John: Yeah you can get an ongoing membership to Storyblocks which is what Hank and I do but you can. they also have a library of paid clips where you can like sort of pay per clip or per image and it works really well. and as Hank said it solves a huge problem in the world of online media which is that we all want to be making sure that we're using other people's content appropriately and that they're being compensated for it properly and appropriately and that has been very difficult for the first. you know many years of internet creation and Storyblocks really is a wonderful solution to this problem. You go to storyblocks.com slash Dear Hank and John to learn more about Storyblocks and also you can sign up through there.

Hank: The thing I use, I pay $149 per year for Storyblocks and that gives me. access to like 400,000 images, 150,000 videos, 100,000 audio clips. Those things are in like. the things there are increasing like. the number of things are always going up and that's like. it's nice to know it as a yearly price instead of as a monthly price because I am going to use it all the time and I like to just be able to sort of jump over there and grab stuff when I'm making a video. It's really nice to be able to talk about a product that I use personally and that makes my content better and makes my life easier.

John: Yeah, and also we have to say makes Crash Course and SciShow and other stuff that we do better as well By offering this huge content library. It's it's made things a lot easier for us in all of our educational content Making. so we are grateful to story blocks for sponsoring this podcast But also for creating a service that we really use in like.

Hank: yeah. And the nice thing is the people who are making those like vectorized images or taking the photographs or the video. The people who are doing that are getting. paid. so those creators are also getting supported through Storyblocks. It's a good marketplace that connects creators together to help make better content exist in the world.

John: Thank you, Storyblocks. Alright Hank, let's get to another question from our listeners. This one comes from Bailey who writes, Dear John and Hank, I've recently met a guy and we've gone on a few dates. Because I am in high school, he asked me to his homecoming dance and I accepted, expecting a night of food and fun. 

Hank: I said yes because I thought there would be food and if there's not gonna be food I'm going to resend my yes.

John: That's a great reason to say yes to a homecoming dance like. I've been told that there will be light snacks and punch and I'm in. When I went to get ready with some of his friends, one of them introduced me to her parents as his girlfriend. This took me aback because I did not realize that I was already in a relationship with this guy because we'd never spoken about it.

Now I've heard that he has told people we are dating and I don't know how I feel. about the guy, so what should I do? I am very busy with school and work and the college process. I'm unsure if I'm able to have a relationship right now.

Any dubious advice is appreciated. High school drama and horseradish, Bailey.

Hank: I mean Bailey, so I'm just gonna like first of all. the words have various meanings But I am gonna take you back to the first sentence of your email where you said I recently met a guy and we've gone on a few dates. You are dating him.

John: Well, you've gone on a few dates with him. That's not exactly the same thing as being being someone's boyfriend or girlfriend.

Hank: No, but I will say that you are dating Like. that's what's happening.

John: Hank, but if Bailey doesn't feel comfortable being called this guy's girlfriend that's probably like an issue because in all likelihood that means that this person did not say hey are you my girlfriend or do you want to be my girlfriend? or should we like identify this relationship as a girlfriend boyfriend thing and then instead just started telling his pals this is my girlfriend? I kind of I see Bailey's point like. I feel like Bailey this is probably a moment to take a step back and say just from your email you may not be that psyched about this relationship.

Hank: It seems like you're mostly in it for the food and fun.

John: Which is great by the way. I think that is a pretty good reason when you're in high school and also in adulthood to go on dates. Frankly when Sarah and I go on dates it's mostly for the food and fun. 

Hank: Bailey I will say that like I don't know when you like are supposed to have the talk and figure out what the relationship is. Like, is that a thing that happens? Because for me, it was always like, hey, by the way, I am so into you and I want this to be forever. And then girls running away from me.

John: No, for me, I always would have that talk or I felt like that talk was. it should be like an ongoing thing. I don't know. I do remember when Sarah and I admittedly we were not in high school we did not go to the homecoming dance together or anything but I do remember. when I said to Sarah like hey um are we gonna be like? uh like a Like an item like are we gonna be whatever? however you want to phrase it? Are we gonna be boyfriend girlfriend?

Are we gonna be in an exclusive relationship? Whatever whatever the like constructs that you want to use around it You need to like have that conversation with the other person before you have it with your buds.

Hank: agreed agreed and I actually like. I do remember being sort of new to this whole game and thinking I was someone's boyfriend when I was in fact just Seeing them and bringing it up and then being like, oh, oh no, oh no, no, no, no, no, no, Hank, no. And I was like, oh, okay. 

John: Well, it's, I mean, yeah, it's inherently uncomfortable, and like, these are difficult conversations to have, but I also think that's like part of what makes them so important.

Hank: Agreed. This next question comes from Kyla, who asks Dear Hank and John, late at night when I'm trying to sleep, All I can seem to do is come up with unrealistic fantasies that keep me up. I'll be. laying in bed trying to sleep when all of a sudden I think about myself in a world that literally cannot exist. How does one turn off their imagination for long enough to sleep for eight hours?

Extremely sleep-deprived, Kyla.

John: Wait, what's the world?

Hank: I don't know, I feel really like- Why can't it exist? Why wouldn't that have been brought up by Kyla in this very short question that obviously had space to give us some information about these fantasy worlds that I'm now very curious about.

John: Kyla, I'm not going to be able to sleep tonight worrying about what these fantasy worlds might or might not be. That's on you.

Hank: I mean, your name is Kyla.

John: You've just made less sleep in the world, Kyla. I don't want to criticize our listeners.

Hank: It sounds like, come on, you could be an excellent protagonist in any number of these fantasy stories if you just maybe write them down. So, John, I do have sleep tips. I'm like, I've become informed on sleep tips because one I make science videos for a living and two people are always asking me how I sleep. One tip is that I have a. medication that makes me sleepy.

So that's don't necessarily do that. Go get ulcerative colitis and take that one too. It's all like. it's really all about like like Structuring your day so that sleep happens, it starts at the same time, it ends at the same time, and it happens in a place that is devoted to sleep.

And so you are not spending time in your bed doing things that aren't sleep so that your mind knows that like this is the sleep place, not the place for fantasy imaginings. And if you are having those fantasy imaginings and it's not gonna happen, like leave the sleep place and go somewhere else until you feel sleepy.

John: Kyla, I would talk to a doctor not Hank about this.

Hank: This is literally advice that I was given by a doctor.

John: Well, sure, but not by Kyla's doctor. Each individual is different. I think that's good advice. I just think like if it's become an issue in your life like don't don't turn to advice podcasts. and I do think that if it's something you're really concerned about it's probably time to talk to your doctor about it because While Hank's. tips are great.

Nothing stands in for actual medical advice quite like actual medical professionals. 

Hank: John do you ever feel like that that those times in your life when you couldn't get to sleep? We're actually like really useful and wonderful. like like like when you got excited about an idea or Or we're creating you know a world or a character or something like that. you just laying in bed And you just can't stop stop working on a problem very occasionally.

John: what would almost always happen or what does almost always happen in my experience is that I finally am like okay I've got to get up and write this down because this stuff is great. this is this is fascinating. I've finally found my way through to a solution and then I write it down and I'm like what is this? this makes no sense. it's almost like this was developed by a tired person who wasn't thinking at all rationally.

Hank: Yeah it's almost as if this person was having a dream about solving a problem.

John: than actually solving a problem. On a few occasions, because I always hear about writers who like come up with great. solutions to problems in their books and dreams or else come up with great premises for new books and dreams. And so on a few occasions I have woken up and thought like it happened. It finally happened for me.

And I write down the dream and I'm like, okay, here's how I'm going to solve a problem in turtles all the way down. There's a baseball game and they're in the dugout. It's the visitor's dugout and it's the seventh. and I keep writing and I'm like holy crap like how did I think how did I ever think that this was going to solve a problem when it's it's obvious that like this is all happening inside of a magical world where none of the rules of narrative or physics apply.

Hank: yeah yeah yeah I mean I have. I have. I would say that I have had experiences a handful of times where Like, I had too much coffee at six o'clock at night and it was two in the morning and I still couldn't get to sleep and I came up with something pretty amazing. But in general, I think that is just as likely to happen. any time that I'm not occupying myself with something like I tend to always do these days where I'm always on the phone or I'm listening to a podcast or I'm reading a book or I'm like driving the car and listening to music or something.

John: In those moments when I'm like Hank, let me encourage you to explore the possibility of clearing honeysuckle out of your backyard. I've spent about 60 hours doing it so far. I'm gonna report back next week. But so far what I found is that when my brain has quiet time mostly it wants to be quiet.

I am expecting that at some point my brain will be like. I'd like to start having some thoughts again now, but right now my brain's just like Get it out of the ground. make sure that. did you get that? did you get the stump? make sure to get the stump. 

Hank: That's good, John. Yeah, I don't think that's the experience I would have. But I also don't have a bunch of honeysuckle in my yard.

John: Yeah, spoken like somebody who hasn't tried it yet. The other thing I've been doing is creating this brick path. I blazed a trail through my backyard and then now I'm slowly bricking the path one brick at a time using bricks from this this abandoned building long long long ago ruin from the early 20th century on our property and Just the act of doing that Hank. Oh my god.

It's so much better. It's so much better than going to VidCon meetings. I don't want to gloat but I feel like I've found like a glitch in the matrix and At least for one week.

This was the perfect solution. I don't think I could do it forever, but I intend to find out.

Hank: Alright, this next question is from Natalie who asked Dear Hank and John, I was recently listening to an NPR interview where the guest explained that his high school experience and his life as an Episcopalian. I was thinking John Green and this guy would probably be really great friends and then the host said it was John Green.

John: Why do you sound so much different?

Hank: It's crazy. Anyway, how the heck does NPR work? Are there local stations for counties? Is there some headquarters?

Congrats on the new book, guys!

John: Yeah, well, so. I was on fresh air, that might have been the interview that you heard with Terry Gross, which was the most nervous I've ever been. Hank knows this because he was with me right before.

Hank: Yeah, he was freaking out.

John: First off, Natalie, I don't know why I sounded different in that interview that you heard, but I listened to it as well, and I also thought that I sounded different. I was listening to my voice and I was like, that's weird. And I don't know why. Maybe it was because I was so incredibly nervous about the prospect of speaking to Terry Gross, who's one of my, like, long time heroes.

But it was. it was cool. It was a very cool experience being on fresh air by far. the best part was the very beginning when Terry Gross came on the line and she said um are there two lines in your book that you got from our radio show? and I was like Yeah, and she was like that's cool. And I was like, yeah, thanks.

Thanks for reading it. And she was like, yeah, I liked it. And that was the best part.

The interview. part was good, but like her noticing the two fresh air moments in Turtles All the Way Down was pretty amazing.

Hank: I thought you were going to say that the best moment for you was when Terry Gross called us the V-Log brothers.

John: Well, I didn't actually hear her say that. She recorded that intro later and it was pretty epic to be called the V-Log brothers. Oh, man, it's not her fault, you know.

Hank: It's not her fault. It's my fault for naming the YouTube channel a bad name.

John: It's true. That's on us, Hank. Ultimately, that's on us. As for how NPR works, that's not really my area of expertise.

In this particular case, I think I was in Nashville and I went to the Nashville NPR station and they had a little studio set aside for me for that hour and a half and I listened to Terry Gross talk to me on my headphones. the same way I'm listening to Hank talk to me now, only it was kind of a much fancier version of the setup that we currently have.

Hank: I also don't. I don't know how NPR works. I'm much more familiar with PBS. because we actually work with them, but NPR is, as far as I can tell, funded by mostly its listeners according to every pledge drive.

John: That's right. Donate to your local NPR station if you enjoy fresh air as much as I do. Okay Hank, let's answer one more question before we get to the all important news from Mars and AFC Wimbledon. This question comes from Magdalen who writes.

Dear John and Hank, As someone who frequents the coffee shop across the street from my school, I've been presented with an issue that only grows over time. Having been diagnosed with anxiety means that I have trouble doing some ordinary tasks, one of them being paying the cashier. I check and recheck that I have the right amount in just a few bills so as not to hold up the line, but this leaves me with multiple coins and change which over time have built up to an insurmountable amount.

Should I continue paying with just bills? What if I hold up the people behind me by using the change? Please help.

I don't know how I could possibly do a name-specific sign-off, Magdalen. I mean, obviously you have. a name-specific sign-off. It's Mary, Magdalen. 

Hank: Okay, good. I'll allow it. This is not... I don't understand how paying with coins holds up the line, especially if you have time to get them sorted and ready to go.

John: Also, you know in advance, Magdalen, how much your coffee order is going to cost, right? You've probably ordered the same thing. You've done this before.

Hank: Yeah, tax hasn't changed.

John: Right, so you know it's going to be $2.58, so what I would do... Totally sympathetic to your concern about holding up the line. It's something that I worry about too. But what I would do is just get those eight quarters, five dimes, one nickel, and three inexplicable pennies out.

Have them in your hand. Try to organize them as much as you can by shape and size. Actually, you know what?

Don't use the pennies, Magdalene. Just get 260. Just get eight quarters and six dimes. and hand it over and say that's two dollars and sixty cents.

I do not need change. Thank you.

Hank: Well, and then you leave your tip of the tip jar additionally. And if they give you the two cents, you could put that there, too, which is what I do with every penny I ever receive.

John: That's actually a better solution, Hank. Over time, Magdalen, the way to get rid of your change is a dollar at a time. Put it in the tip jar.

Hank: Yeah, that is also a great way to do it. There's also places that will take your change and turn it into dollars for you. They're called banks. Don't use the Coinstar machine, that's a racket, take a big percentage and the bank will do it.

You just have to. My favorite thing, I do, so John, I have a secret, I have a secret embarrassing secret and people didn't get to hear my other embarrassing secret and they never will. so I want to tell you this embarrassing secret because it's pretty embarrassing and I don't think anybody knows about it.

John: Okay.

Hank: So Coinstar machines. they have this little tray that you dump all your change into and it's got a slot. then there's little holes in it and in America the hole is just smaller than a dime. so a dime can't fall through it but other stuff can. so like that stuff doesn't end up in. the machine and one of my secret joys in life is to put my head into a coin star machine and see what has fallen through the dime holes and just put my head in there and I'm like

John: whoo And that is not even within 12 orders of magnitude of the most embarrassing thing about you. I agree.

Hank: But it's something, right? Just Hank Green sticking his head into the Coinstar machine because you got to get your head in there. You can't like see it from outside. You have to like get put and it's like the whole grocery stores around and I like I can't help myself.

I'm going to put my head in the Coinstar machine now.

John: I think it's fine. I actually have a bigger concern. than the coin star head issue which is that I think that you just referred to yourself in the third person and that can never happen again.

Hank: I was being the people around talking about me.

John: Right, but that's also rather presumptuous. They wouldn't be like oh look it's Hank Green with his head in the coin star machine. They would be like oh look at that random middle. aged dude with his head in the coin star machine.

Hank: Well then I take my head out and then there's like one of the people is a Crash Course fan and they're like wow okay I thought that was just a random middle aged dude with his head in the coin star machine but it's that guy who taught me anatomy and physiology.

John: Instead they're like oh my gosh that's John Green's brother. I mean, I only made that comment, Hank, to try to give you some real well-defined consequences for referring to yourself in the third person.

Hank: Are we helping Magdalen out with her problem at all? Oh, John, I also have a new phone that I mentioned earlier today. I might like it a lot. I can put a credit card number into it and then I just hold the phone up to a thing and put my finger on the fingerprint reader and it just pays.

Not everywhere, but if, Magdalen, if your place has one of these, it is so much faster than paying with cash. It's faster than a credit card, it's faster than the chip thing, it's faster than everything, it's immediate. And also, not a lot of people use it yet, so everybody's sort of like, what did you just do?

And then you can be like, it's me, Hank Green. I pay with my finger and put my hand in the Coinstar machine.

John: I knew it was coming. God, I can smell it coming. That's not a good bit. I don't like it as a joke.

What's the week's news from Mars?

Hank: So John, the thing that keeps popping up in my Mars news at the top of my phone for like three days now is very frustrating to me. But I'm going to tell you this story. I'm going to read you the headline.

John: in the hopes that your phone will hear you read it and then be like, okay, he knows that one. Time to move on.

Hank: Yeah. Russian prodigy who claims he lived on Mars before being reborn on Earth baffles scientists in parentheses video. 

John: I mean...

Hank: I was just like, why is this here?

John: That headline might be peak 2017. 

Hank: I don't know how to tell my phone that I don't want fake Mars news.

John: I just want actual Mars news.

Hank: Experts are reportedly baffled by the testimony. of Beriska, a young Russian prodigy from the city of Volgograd who claims that he lived on a war-ravaged planet Mars long ago before being reborn on Earth. So apparently scientists are baffled. They are baffled.

John: Why is that baffling?

Hank: Because he has detailed knowledge of space and the conditions on other planets. There's no way of... 

John: No way to acquire that on the internet.

Hank: Nope. And there's all the things he knows. There's no way he could know it about the places. Except that if he was making up, I guess, would be one way.

My favorite

John: part about his idea is that when he was a martian he was seven feet tall and and he was 35 years old because martians had mastered the prevention of aging and all martians stopped aging and became semi-immortal at 35 years of age which i i guess is like a fairly good time to become semi-immortal. but like if i could pick i'd probably pick like 27. you know like i feel like at 35 my like my peak physical fitness was already behind me all actually in my case it was ahead of me but only because I'd set such. a low bar earlier in life. yeah well I think I'm very excited about that news from Mars and congratulations on the discovery of life on Mars at last in the form of semi-immortal 35 year olds.

Hank: so Boriska says Human life will change when the Sphinx is opened. It has an opening mechanism somewhere behind the ear. I do not remember exactly. 

John: But he has an incredibly specific memory. Well Hank, the news from AFC Wimbledon is that in really an encouraging sign AFC Wimbledon have just signed a 20 year old prodigy from Russia named Baryskaya. 

Hank: Is he 20 or is he infinity?

John: Oh, I mean, we could really stand to have a striker who doesn't age. That would be a real gift. 35 is probably a little too old. if we could set it I think we'd set it a little younger. AFC Wimbledon Hank were in the first round of the FA Cup. you might remember the FA Cup Hank because a few years ago AFC Wimbledon made it to the third round of the FA Cup where they played Liverpool Football Club in one of the most exciting and weird days of my life and. this year in the first round of the FA Cup they played Lincoln City which is a team I think from the seventh tier and they won the game. 

Hank: Hey, alright, who scored that goal, John? Oh, does that mean that his leg is feeling better? 

John: Oh, yay. AFC Wimbledon are now headed to the second round of the FA Cup where they're going to take on a significantly more challenging opponent in the form of Charlton Athletic. if they were to win that game which given the current run of form I would say is not super likely but if they were to win that game they would move on to the third round of the FA Cup which is when you can get teams like Manchester United and Liverpool and Chelsea and potentially a huge payday. so It would be great to win that second round game. but the arc of history is long and right now a little troubling.

Hank: Right, right. Sorry to hear about the troubles but I'm glad. So was that team from your league? Did you tell me that and I didn't listen?

John: Correct, yes. I told you that and you didn't listen. I. believe that Lincoln City is currently in the seventh tier. Oh, okay.

Hank: Wow, so you won by one goal over a seventh tier team.

John: Well, let me go ahead and confirm that for you Hank, because it might, for all I know, no, they're in League 2. They're in the fourth tier of English football. It's barely even an upset. Yeah, alright, that makes me feel much better.

We beat a fourth tier English soccer team. The kind of soccer team we might be next year if we don't watch out.

Hank: Alright, I'm sorry about the situation at AFC Wimbledon. It does make me legitimately nervous.

John: Yeah, no, me too. It's the first thing I think about every single morning. I think, what can I do to ensure that AFC Wimbledon remain a third tier English soccer team? And then I turn over to Sarah and I open my mouth as if to speak and she says, absolutely not.

Hank: Well, um, I agree with her deeply. Thank you for potting with me, John.

John: Thank you for potting. We're going to go make our patron only podcast this week in Ryans right now over at Patreon.com. slash Dear Hank and John. If you want to listen to the worst 10 minutes of audio available on the Internet each week. Subscribe over there to This Week in Ryans.

But thank you for potting with me, Hank, and thanks to everybody for listening.

Hank: This podcast is produced by Rosianna Halse Rojas and Sheridan Gibson. It's edited by Nicholas Jenkins. Victoria Bongiorno is our head of community and communications. The theme music that you're hearing right now and at the beginning of the podcast is from the great gunnarolla, and as they say in our hometown, don't forget to be awesome.