John:

Hank: Dear John and Hank, It's a comedy podcast where two brothers answer your question, give you dubious advice, and bring you all the week's news from both Mars and AFC Wimbledon. How are you, John?

John: I'm doing well, Hank. As you know, it's Olympic season, which can only mean one thing in our family.

Hank: It's the Marblelympics season!

John: That is actually correct. Right now in our house we spend 12 hours a day watching the proper Olympics and 12 hours a day watching the Marblelympics.

Hank: To be clear, I love the Olympics. I think the Olympics is great and I love these times when this sort of feels a little bit more like we're living in a globally productive society. We're connected by things that we like rather than things that we hate. And yes, but also the Marblelympics, John.

John: Oh, the Marblelympics, it's just fantastic. Every year Henry and I go all in on the Savage Speeders and every year the O'Rangers break our hearts.

Hank: So for the people who don't know what's happening, there's a YouTube channel called, do you know how to pronounce this John?

John: Yella?

Hank: Yella's Marble Runs? Yeah. And they are, it is a channel. of marble races and other marble competitions. And this happens all year round.

But then during Olympic seasons, both summer and winter, there is a marblelympics where marbles compete against each other in various events like high jump and speed, downhill speed runs and other... And it's just that they have a lot. There's a bunch of teams.

Yeah, there's marble curling. There's marble curling which apparently this year got they. they they cancelled the marble curling because it was too boring and they're really He's recreating it a second time.

John: Yeah well I for one found every I find every moment of the MarbleLympics absolutely engrossing and I just it. it is Outlandishly entertaining it impossibly entertaining and it just goes to show you that. well Times are dark on parts of YouTube. On other parts of YouTube, the MarbleLympics are showing us all how we can come together and hate everyone who roots for the arrangers. 

Hank: I've been rooting for Team Galactic and that's not going super well. So my backup team, which is a new team this year, the Midnight Wisps, have been my team and they're actually doing quite well.

John: Yeah, our backup team is the. Oceanics.

Hank: Oh, that's Katherine's team and they are not doing well.

John: They have not had a good Olympics so far, but the arc of history is long and it bends toward the Savage Speeders. 

Hank: Well, I'm really excited. I'm really excited to see how the Marvel Olympics goes this year. It's fun. It's especially good viewing for commercial times because when you're watching the Olympics, you can't skip the commercials because it's live.

And also it's the same commercials over and over again. And like, yes, I'm aware that you want me to buy an exercise bike.

John: Yeah. Or whatever. There's a lot of a lot of Chevrolet commercials, man.

Hank: Yeah. Yeah, they would like me to know that Chevrolet has won a lot of awards. And look, good on ya, GM. Thanks for making cars that people use.

John: Hank, I'm not going to say that until and unless GM comes and sponsors this podcast. I do want to say something else, though, of great importance. You may remember the amazing, amazing tiger poem I read written by a six-year-old last week here on the pod. mm-hmm that poem is published in a book and you can buy the book. the book is called you will be able to say a thousand words and you can buy it and it will support 826 DC which is an awesome organization that brings free writing programs for students between the ages of 6 and 18. so we're gonna put a link in the show notes to that book so that you can buy it. I have bought a copy. if that uh tiger poem is any indication the book will bring me so much joy and consolation. 

Hank: cool all right um sweet excellent. and uh do you have a poem for us today john? also you can. you can find the marblelympics by just googling marblelympics or marble olympics. it's not difficult to discover. if you would like to enjoy this this piece of pure joy in which you can see marbles competing against each other. uh Completely free of any of the human story that goes into the Olympics.

John: Right, both the great thing and the problem with the Olympics is that it's full of human stories. The great thing about the Marblelympics is that you get to impose human stories upon marbles. In general, for whatever reason, it just works. much better. I don't have a poem for today, Hank.

We're going to skip right into the questions. This first question comes from Ellen who writes, Dear John and Hank, I have two dogs and two cats. If my dog, Winston, brings me a ball to throw, I throw it.

And both Winston and one of the cats chase it, and the cat gets there first. But Winston is ultimately the one who returns the ball to me. In this situation, whose ball is it?

I purchased the ball. Winston is keeping the activity going, but the cat is the one on the other end of my throw. So who is actually in possession of the ball?

If a fight should break out between the three of us, which one of us has the right to keep the ball? Not Jellent like a felon. Ellen.

Hank: Well, Ellen, I have heard it said, and I don't know what this means, that possession is nine tenths of the law. So, I guess there's a 90% chance that whoever is holding the ball owns the ball.

John: Well, whoever is holding the ball in a moment probably owns the ball in that moment. The. question is legally who like who has the right to sell the ball?

Hank: Ah, well, I see. So the situation, Ellen, is that you own both your dog and your cat.

John: That would be my argument. My argument would be that Even when the dog owns the ball you own the ball because you decide like when you say Winston drop it and he's like no and then you say Winston drop it again and he gets that sad-eyed look on his face. uh-huh that's because he knows he's gonna drop it right or or else you're gonna sell Winston. oh god Hank don't take it.

Hank: oh god don't sell Winston just because he won't give you a ball John. the thing that It interests me most about this question is the idea that can a ball be owned by no one?

John: I mean, I almost think that it has to be owned by no one in this case. It's a bit of a Schrodinger's ball situation, really. 

Hank: Okay, I think the ball is definitely not alive. But also kind of not dead, I suppose.

John: No, it's just that the ball is in more than one state at the same. time. Like the ball is both Winston's and the cat's. P. S.

Did the cat not get a name?

Hank: I don't think the cat was named. I think it seemed to be that it was one of the cats and there's multiple cats and we're not like. maybe it's a different cat each time. It's unclear.

John: That's pretty brutal, Elvin. You know, to have one named pet in your home and just refer to your other pet as the cat. That's brutal. Yeah.

Hank: Can we, can we name the cat? Can we name it like Sharpie is the first thing that I saw on my desk.

John: That's great. I love it. Yeah. So I think the cat belongs to all of you together and you have to make votes about its future and it's a majority rule situation.

Hank: The ball or the cat?

John: Is it the cat that everybody owns or is it the ball? No, Winston owns the cat. The ball owns the cat and Ellen owns the cat. And all three of them have to vote about the cat's future.

That's what I'm sticking with.

Hank: It's a democracy now, it's a co-ownership situation and everybody has to own exactly. one third so that nobody has a voting majority there. That's right. Though I guess if you get two out of three then you would decide what to do with the ball. I recently wanted to, John, do a Project for Awesome perk where I gather river rocks and I paint them and put hanklerfish on them and then I realized that I didn't own those rocks and that actually someone did?

That being the United States government.

John: Oh, boy.

Hank: Because they own everything. They own the land. You can't just take stuff. It's very strange that everything it's kind of like everything is owned by someone. and there are these times when like suddenly objects transfer ownership from you and like sort of implicitly but also maybe legally like when you put an item in a trash can that item becomes owned by the garbage company? it's not yours anymore kind of actually. and if you take if like a stranger takes something out of that trash can they're actually are they stealing from the garbage company or is that owned by? no i think that they're technically stealing from the garbage company.

John: can i ask you a follow-up? question.

Hank: hank yes please.

John: if for instance uh there are Two to three hundred thousand aluminum cans full back doors Rubber tires that appear to have once belonged to four-wheelers Etc. in in the White River at any given moment.

Hank: Uh-huh.

John: Does all of that belong to the government?

Hank: I think so.

John: I feel like it might belong. I feel like it might be my problem. I was kayaking. It got briefly warm enough for me to kayak here and when I say briefly I mean for like 12 minutes.

I was kayaking upriver and I literally passed a door Going down river. it had a doorknob in it.

Hank: Wait, but John, did you try to open the door? Because maybe if you'd gotten the right angle and you could just like open it up, there'd be like a Narnia situation?

John: Yeah, that is exactly why I didn't open the door. I like my life. I'm not trying to fall into some other dimension. I saw Outlander.

I don't want to be removed from my family. No, no, I did not open the door. I did immediately think if I open this door, I'm gonna lead a completely different life. and go to a different dimension and live in a world probably where like I don't know, snicker bars are sentient or something, but I didn't open the door.

Let's move on to another question from our listeners. We've gone too far down the rabbit hole.

Hank: Okay, I've also just googled who owns trash, so I definitely feel like we need to turn into what did we call it last week? Hard Normal or something?

John: Hard Normal. This next question, oh, it's you. You ask it, you ask it.

Hank: It's my turn. This next question comes from Des who asks, Hey, Hank and John. That's not the name of the podcast, Des, jeez.

John: That was a little aggressive, Des.

Hank: Hey! When you go somewhere and you accidentally take some ants with you at home... When you go somewhere and you accidentally take some ants with you, do they just fit right in to the ant colony wherever you end up? Or are they put in a constant state of anxiety because their loved ones are nowhere to be found?

Worried about ants? Deaths? Okay, first of all, Hank, Hank, Hank, Hank, Hank, Hank, Hank, this note has a PS and.

John: you chose not to read the PS and that I cannot believe that you chose not to read the PS.

Hank: Holy Snood I'm just bad at this, John.

John: God, the P. S. is can't wait to read an absolutely remarkable thing, which is Hank's book. It comes out in September and it's available for preorder now. And Hank just blatantly refused to read the P.

S. about his own book and how somebody is excited to read it. OK, now go on. Do ants experience ant anxiety when put into a colony that is not their home colony?

Hank: Well, I also. it seems that deaths frequently accidentally takes ants somewhere.

John: Well, that's true for any of us.

Hank: Do I?

John: Oh, yeah, sure. Picnic baskets. That seems like the major way.

Hank: Okay. It's just like hitchhikers on the cuffs of your pants.

John: Yeah. Just answer the question. You're the science person.

Hank: So usually these ants die.

John: Oh, that's nice.

Hank: Well, to be clear, every ant dies and That's just how it works. Ants have, there are no immortal ants. We've determined this. Ants have a, basically, I don't know, I think they call it like a passport pheromone, maybe is what they call. it?

And for some ant species, the passport pheromone is species specific. So any ant can go to another ant colony and they'll just like, hey, what's up, Steve? How's it going?

You're... An ant with us now. but many and in fact I think most ant species have colony specific passport pheromones and if they show up at a new colony they will be killed as an invader. I think. but sometimes ants with this actually happens. sometimes ants with passport specific colony specific pheromones get incorporated into a Colony even though they probably shouldn't. the answer just sort of like oh I get it.

I see what this is. It's not an attack. It's just Steve Who you know got here on the picnic basket from the lake? but it this all does depend on the ant finding a colony of the same species to Integrate into. they don't find a colony they will die Because they need the support of the colony to survive.

And if they find a colony of a different species of ants, they will definitely get killed.

John: Okay. All right. So you're saying there's a chance.

Hank: I'm saying there's a chance. Sometimes even. two colonies will come together and form a single colony, which is pretty unusual because usually colonies consider each other antagonistic.

John: Wow. That's interesting. I mean, I don't want to get too deep into comparing ants to humans. Dot dot dot.

Let's move on to the next question.

Hank: Before we do that, let's plug the YouTube channel AntsCanada, because if you're looking for weird YouTube channels that are about very specific but amazing things, AntsCanada is a really great one as well. And there are different clans of ants that are taken care of by this ant guy, and he's really excited and just, it's one of my favorite ways to spend fifteen minutes.

John: You plugged AntsCanada last week.

Hank: Did I?

John: Okay. Well, now you know what I care about, John. You've now officially plugged AntsCanada more than you've plugged your own book. This next question comes from Beth who writes, Dear John and Hank, My name is Beth and I'm an optical dispenser.

My job is to help people choose new glasses. And many people- Wait, wait, wait.

Hank: Optical dispenser definitely sounds like a machine.

John: No, it doesn't. It sounds like a person. She dispenses the opticals. 

Hank: Like, is. that a phrase from another country? To me you dispense, like. there's two situations in which you dispense something. One, you are a vending machine. Two, it's marijuana. 

John: No, I think three, it's glasses. My job is to help choose new glasses and many people I help get a huge amount of anxiety when selecting new glasses. Yeah, no joke, Beth, me too. Many people want to change their look but don't know what to look for.

Whereas other people very much don't want to change their look and get upset when we don't have the exact same glasses. So I come to you, Brothers Green, as Hank really hasn't changed the look of his glasses much and John has changed multiple times. I'm a big fan of your current pair, John.

They do good things for your jawline. Thank you, Beth. I feel like you may have some excellent dubious advice.

How do I get people to feel more at ease when choosing their glasses? Oh, it's not easy. I mean, it's funny. you should mention that Beth because I'm reading your question through lenses that I can just barely see out of because I like these glasses but.

I am nervous to even try to get new lenses into them because what if they break and then I have to get new glasses and it would be such a nightmare.

Hank: Yeah, I'm looking at your glasses right now, John, because I could not call them to bind. And they do look nice. I think that they do look nice and they do do nice things for your jawline. And I don't think that your neck is disappearing at all the way that some people in vlogbrothers comments for some reason are saying.

John: Well, it's fine. It's good because the nice thing about people criticizing my appearance is that I don't actually worry much about my appearance, but I do worry about like what horrible diseases I might have that are resulting in these changes to my appearance. So I spent a lot of time googling what might be wrong with my neck. Anyway, moving on. 

Hank: I worry that my teeth have changed shape over the years and that they're moving around. It's really actually pretty amazing to have like at least one video of me talking every week for the last 11 years. So I can go and. be like, was my tooth like that before or is that new? And it turns out it's been that way for at least 11 years.

So I think I'm okay. Yeah.

John: Yeah. No, it is a very weird thing to look at your face for several hours a week while editing.

Hank: Yeah.

John: one's videos and I don't think that it is particularly good for one's overall quality of health but I like making vlogbrothers videos and I'm grateful for the opportunity. but to get to Beth's question Hank okay let's do it. what in your experience? what have been things that people have said that have helped you pick out glasses?

Hank: well I think it helps to have somebody who you trust a lot. so In general, like, establishing yourself as an authority is actually something that can go a long way. And ways to do that are to say like, hi, I'm Beth. This is what I do. And my clients include Nicolas Cage.

John: No. No, that's terrible advice. 

Hank: Lindsay Lohan. No. The famous glasses wearer Lindsay Lohan.

John: The last time Hank meaningfully engaged with popular culture was apparently 2007. Anyway, that is terrible advice. It is good advice. to establish your authority. But the way you do that, I think, is saying, hi, I'm Beth and I am an optical dispenser.

And for the last X number of years, I've worked with people to get them glasses that fit well and that they like the look of. And that's what I want to do with you and it may take a while but we'll be patient and we'll get something that you're really happy with and I think encouraging people in that way. and then I really like the specificity you used even when talking about my glasses where you think you know what the glasses bring out, what they help with, what the downsides might be, you know, if the lenses are really small, it might affect your field of vision, etc. Just showing your expertise through calm, generous, kind readings of the situation.

I don't think that's going to make it an un-anxious experience for a lot of people because it's a big choice. you know, the one thing that I wear every single day for years at a time. So it is a big important choice in someone's life.

Hank: Yeah, and it's on your face, man. It makes your face look different. And when I take my glasses off, people are like, okay, who is that man?

John: Yeah, I don't look like myself without my glasses. So, I mean, I think one thing I like about your question, Beth, is that you obviously understand why your job's important and why it helps people and I think if you just bring that attitude to it that you're there to try to help people and try to be a calm presence in a difficult situation. I think that's the right track to me.

Hank: Absolutely. And then, you know, what helps me honestly is having Katherine there because Katherine I feel like is the one who has to look at me all the time. And so ultimately it's more her decision than mine.

John: Sure.

Hank: This next question comes from Niv who asks. Dear Hank and John, I'm a 17 year old girl and my parents, at least my mom, is hell-bent on making me study math for my undergrad while my dad is a bit more cool, note only a bit, with me doing economics, the love of my life. I feel like I'm letting my parents down. by not being enthusiastic about getting a degree in maths. I love the subject but the syllabi for a good math course is cover all the topics I utterly despise.

How do I break the news to my parents that I might not in fact be doing math and that I will be doing economics to go on to become like the president of a country or a successful business person with no regrets? Live long and prosper, Niv.

John: Isn't economics and math the same thing?

Hank: What I gotta say to Niv's parents is come on!

John: Yeah, I mean, your child could be studying 12th century French Poetics. by the way, I know there are people in our audience who are studying 12th century French poetics And I thank you. that is a good and noble work. But I mean from the perspective of parents who are worried about Your whatever they're worried about.

Hank: Yeah in business.

John: You're going to be fine, Niv. Just study economics.

Hank: Is this like a long history? Do you have like generations of mathematicians in your family? Like is your great great great grandfather like Gauss or like some other famous old mathematician, Blaise Pascal?

John: Yeah. I mean even Pascal though wasn't just a mathematician. Can't you make the case to your parents that you're going to learn a lot of math along the way to your economics degree? And also it seems to me that economics majors are very employable.

Can you just promise your parents you're going to do a math-focused economics study?

Hank: It's clearly not the concern. If you're trying to get a job, economics is definitely better than pure maths. Though and and often if you have a math degree you're gonna end up working in something related to economics like finance. but In terms of like like put aside job training I'm not interested in that argument because it seems like your parents probably just want you to continue the line of the hundreds or possibly thousands of years of mathematicians in your family. and and what? What you say to that is, I want to do the thing I want to do.

And you didn't have a child because you wanted the child to become one particular thing. You had the child because you wanted the child to be able to decide and make good things happen that they. wanted to do. That level of control either is sort of outsized in your own mind, Niv. 

John: Alternately, I don't know if there's a double major in your country. I know a lot of places there aren't double majors, but it seems like it'd be easy to do a double major in math and economics because half the classes are the dang same. like i took an economics class in college and it was all flippin math i mean i maybe i don't understand what math is but it felt like math to me. there were a lot of numbers and i had to use those numbers to create a lot of geometrical curve shapes so i don't know. it felt very mathematical. anyway we wish you luck niv. i'm sorry that you're going through this difficult time. i hope that you get to pursue all of your passions in life. i want to get to another question though hank. this one comes from heather. yep all right She writes, Dear John and Hank, My name is Hella, and I grew up on a farm that my family has owned for over 300 years.

Hank: Wait, is this like the mathematician? question except with farms instead?

John: Yes. I am the second of four children, all of whom are now adults. According to Oldersret, my older brother has first dibs on the farm, then me, and then our younger sisters. Oldersret, by the way, which I'm Very sure I'm mispronouncing is the ancient Scandinavian Thing where that decides how land gets passed down through families Oh my goodness, and it has its own Wikipedia page.

It does that. my older brother has first dibs on the farm then me and then our younger sisters. It has always been expected that one of us should take over the farm as it is the norm But all of us have moved away and I'm pretty sure none of us actually want to be farmers. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with being a farmer. it's just not really for me. our father brought it up a few years ago that we should decide who gets to take over the farm. and Well, is it wrong to want to sell a farm that has been in our family for several hundred years?

Do we owe our forefathers to sacrifice enough to keep this farm in? our family? There's no guarantee that we would be able to find a buyer that would keep the farm a farm, but I know that I really do not want to be a farmer. Ever since I was a little girl, I've been quite squeamish around a lot of the stuff that happens on a farm, and I really have not grown out of it.

But have you seen how many movies there are where the people who want to sell the family Farm are the villains, no silent Es, hella. 

Hank: And it is a fascinating law and it is the actual existing law in Norway and if somebody Who isn't in the family buys the farm the family members have the right to get it back Which is currently about 10 years. so they can just buy it for the additional price plus the cost of any improvements. If if you sell if you like get rid of the farm you could get it back. potentially though there are also rules about Making that not a thing But I bet we have different opinions about this. Well, I mean ever since I came to to Montana I have had. a different sort of feeling about farms and families and and like the the seriousness of this. Not that like.

I think that this shouldn't be like. this is how you know, should it impact you? It's just like my understanding of This has changed a lot having known farmers been friends with generational farmers and also new farmers and seen the kind of like the difficulty of that job. it is a very difficult and not particularly thankful job in which you have to live far away from population centers and that is pretty isolating. and it is. it is a difficult difficult thing to do for a living and and also the strife and difficulty that it creates within families when you have this extraordinarily valuable thing. um but you don't like the way of turning that you know. that huge amount of land you know compared to what most people own in terms of land into money is is a really stressful difficult thing because you're always taking out loans to buy the seed and to work the land and then at the end of the season hopefully you can pay those loans off and that happens. every year and it's just really intense um but also like that responsibility that people feel to their to their ancestors to and to the institution that they have been raised in and part of for their whole lives, but also for like their entire sort of like imagined cultural history, which is a very real thing. It's the intensity of that is, you know, like, I wouldn't have understood it if I hadn't seen it.

You know, I certainly haven't experienced it firsthand, but I've seen it secondhand.

John: Yeah, I mean, my feeling is that you should wait. You shouldn't make the decision now if you don't have to. Maybe your father's saying, I want to know what the future holds, but I think you can say, well, you know, right now you have the farm and we're so grateful that you do. And we love we love it and we want to support you in any way that we can and when it comes time to make a decision we will make a decision because I also don't think that you can really know how you'll not only how you'll feel but how your at least three siblings. will feel when the time comes to really make the decision about you know if there comes a time when your father feels like he can't do the work or can't oversee the work then you have to have that hard hard conversation. but I think you have to have it with all of your siblings because it is it is so complicated.

Hank as you say I mean there is something very powerful about knowing that this is the place where your ancestors bones are in many cases literally and and certainly that you know your doing the same work in the same place that they were. there's something there's something powerful about that and something comforting about that but at the same time it's very easy to romanticize that and hella having grown up on a farm knows that in fact the actual work is utterly unromantic.

Hank: yes can confirm having our farmer friends.

John: yeah i mean uh yeah yeah you you have to slaughter exactly one animal before you Completely lose the sense of romance.

Hank: Yeah, I agree with you, and it doesn't sound to me like you've had a ton of conversations with your siblings about. this especially, and I would suggest definitely having those conversations sooner rather than later.

John: Which reminds me that today's podcast is brought to you by Conversations With Your Siblings.

Hank: Conversations With Your Siblings. It's the whole podcast. This podcast is also brought to you by generations of mathematicians. It stretches back deep, deep into your family history and you can't go into economics because of it, I guess, maybe.

John: And today's podcast is also brought to you by AntsCanada. AntsCanada, Hank won't stop promo-ing it.

Hank: And of course this podcast is brought to you by the MarbleLympics. MarbleLympics available at Yella's Marble Runs on YouTube, where you can spend your commercial time while watching the Olympics watching Non-human competitors made of glass. This next question comes from Crystal who asks, Dear Hank and John, Why should I pre-order Hank's upcoming book? An Absolutely Remarkable Thing comes out September 25th available for pre-order now?

Seven months in advance! I could pre-order the book in early September and in the meantime use that $20 to like, I don't know, invest in the stock market. Put it in the bank for small interest or dig a hole to bury it in the ground.

P. S. It comes out September 25th and is available for pre-order now.

Thanks for doing the hard work for me.

John: All right, Crystal, I want to offer you a couple of futures in which you're going to be very grateful that you ordered Hank's book seven months in advance. Future number one, the entire world economy has collapsed. Everything. The stock market has collapsed, but not only that, all of the savings accounts people. there was a bank run and people tried to get their cash out and it turned out the FDIC couldn't ensure all of the deposits. and suddenly the money that you had in the bank is worth pennies on the dollar. but you know what you have Crystal. you have a physical a really beautiful physical object a hardcover book that you can use not only for reading and consolation but also when it becomes necessary to beat off the invaders that are attacking you because the social fabric has completely disintegrated or if it's an absolute emergency to start a fire

Hank: or or or barter because everyone knows that this book is worth the amount that it was when you purchased it. so it was. when you bought it it was worth you know twenty dollars or whatever and then now it's still worth twenty dollars actual money even though twenty dollar bill might be only able to buy you like a stick of gum. so this thing is the new currency of the future.

John: That's right. In the future, people are just going to be handing around hardcover books in exchange for eggs and tomatoes.

Hank: Not hardcover books, John. Just the one book. It's basically Bitcoin. My book is a cryptocurrency as well as a book.

John: Crystal, get in on the ground floor of this exciting new cryptocurrency that comes with a physical book. It is in no way a pyramid scheme, Crystal, but if you don't get in at the very beginning, you will lose all of your money. Crystal, the real reason to... Crystal the real reason to order Hank's book now is so that you don't forget to do it later and also because it helps the publisher measure enthusiasm and excitement about the book and it is very helpful to both the future of the book and the book's author when the publisher believes that there are lots of people. who are excited about it. so really if you have been considering pre-ordering Hank's book please do please do it now. really it's it is and I'm not just saying this I wouldn't just say this.

I would find ways to talk about it that weren't dishonest but I wouldn't be as effusive as I'm about to be. it is a really really wonderful book and it explores what now feels like so fascinatingly. and it explores what fame feels like and the way that it distorts your worldview and the way that our general worship of fame has distorted the wider culture in really fascinating, moving, brilliant ways. a special special novel. so you will also be grateful to have been in on the ground floor of the story of an absolutely remarkable thing. but the biggest thing that you can do is help the book and its author by communicating to the publisher that people are excited about it.

Hank: yeah and and that has happened and and so the you know the people I'm working with are At Penguin are have been so supportive and excited and so I really appreciate everybody who has pre-ordered it really does. help and Whether you do that online or whether you go to your bookstore And if you're wondering how you pre-order something in a bookstore You go in and you say I would like to pre-order this book and they will say okay I'll call you when it's in. and that's that And it works.

John: Alright Hank, we've got a question from MP who writes, Dear John and Hank, When you're on the phone with someone and the call drops, who's in charge of calling back? The originator of the first call since they started it? Or should you think of it as taking turns? I often panic and quickly try to decide if I'm the more adult person in the conversation, and if so, I should take the reins and call back.

But even I know that's not a great method. Please help me to adult better. Bad at avoiding social awkwardness.

MP.

Hank: What happens when we drop a call? It's usually like we both do it, right?

John: We both call back at the same time and then sometimes we both get busy signals and then a lot of times I'll be on your voicemail and I'll be like, why don't you pick up your phone? We were talking 30 seconds and I'll see you. And I'll be like, oh right, he's trying to get to me too, okay.

Hank: Yeah, yep.

John: We need a system for this, Hank. It is an inefficiency. But, like, what system?

Hank: Is it, like, the younger person? Because you have to have some, like, objective thing. Because the call drops for both of you at the same time, so it's not something to do with the context of the phone call. Let's be something beyond that.

So, like, whose name comes first in the alphabet? kind of thing.

John: I like that. It's whose the name that you usually use to refer to that person. so not necessarily their given first name. whatever. you know if you call them shrimp then shrimp. you know if you call them apple then apple whatever. it is the the first letter of that name that you use to talk to the person. the person whose name is closest to the beginning of the alphabet is the person who who does the callback caveat. if more than five seconds pass then it's a complete free-for-all because then you start. to worry like well did they hang up on me on purpose? or did they get in some kind of horrible accident like are they? is there an emergency? that's what my. that's where my head goes immediately right. is there an emergency? so don't like Don't say oh, well, you know Apple hasn't called me back. I guess that Apple just thought the phone call was over. do call them back because for all you know They might be at that, you know, like out of the bottom of a crevasse. I once called Sarah after badly injuring my knee while trying to walk up the hill after kayaking and if Sarah hadn't answered the phone I probably would have just stayed down there for 127 hours.

Hank: John what if the phone call is between our cousin Mike and our Uncle Mike. 

John: That's something I hadn't thought of and that's a great point Hank.

Hank: What if they have the exact same name? Yeah, not only they have the same last name too.

John: I think it goes to the middle.

Hank: Goes to the middle name?

John: I think it goes to the middle name. Now in the case of our cousin Mike and our Uncle Mike, unfortunately that is not a tiebreaker. So then I think you've got to go to junior or senior and since comes before. so in the alphabet I think our cousin Mike calls back our uncle Mike.

Hank: in that situation I think that that also would happen just by virtue of the fact that our uncle Mike would be like Mike's gonna call me back.

John: oh yeah no I can't see our uncle Mike really rushing to do anything. phone call. yeah just I love my Uncle Mike so much. He is an amazing, amazing person. I really, I just, I admire so much about him. He is the coolest.

He is such a cool guy. However, if there is a disconnected call, the chances that he's going to call me back are well below zero.

Hank: It's just negative. Negative chances that you're going to get the call back from Uncle Mike.

John: Speaking of negative chances, Hank, can I share with you the news from AFC Wimbledon?

Hank: Oh no. Oh no. Oh, I'm sorry. I've been following and I feel like I shouldn't be.

Am I, am I bad luck?

John: I don't know. So good in. January. So very, very, very bad in February.

AFC Wimbledon have slipped back into the dreaded relegation zone.

Hank: No!

John: Currently in 21st place, just ahead of the franchise currently plying its trade in Milton Keynes. Hank, I am not a professional scriptwriter of third tier English football. But if I were, if I were writing the narrative of the 2017-2018 season, I think we all know where it goes from here. It comes down to the last game of the season on May 5th and either the franchise is going down or the dons are going down and the pressure is unbelievable. and I vomit 35 times that morning having flown from the United States to England the night before and I'm completely unable to enjoy myself. and really regardless of the outcome I don't know if I'm going to be able to be happy that that is where the narrative of the season is headed. there are still 14 games to try to avoid that narrative. but yeah I mean it's been a very very bad February.

That's really the only thing that can be said about it. It might change, hopefully it will change, but the Dons lost. 4-2 to Plymouth Argyle, 3-1 to Northampton Town, and that was after a 2-1 loss to Barry. So it's been a difficult week.

We've got a game against Bristol Rovers coming up, and then Peterborough? I don't know. It's just been a bad month, man.

Hank: Yeah, yeah, I mean you're scoring goals too, like none of these are nil numbers.

John: Yeah.

Hank: It's like the most recent was like 2-4 and it's like two would have been good enough in the first half of the season to win like every game.

John: Yeah, I know, I know. It's just been, it's just weird.

Hank: Are they pushing the defense up to try and increase scoring opportunities?

John: I watched. I watched all three of these games that we've lost so maybe I'm bad luck actually although we also lost to Rotherham, Rotherham, Rotorham. I know everybody's criticizing my pronunciation of it but I'm not gonna back down anyway. I watched all three of these games and they just like they don't look. they just look like behind the game. like they don't look like they're running at the at the speed that the opponents are running at they They just look kind of confused. at the back.

I don't know. It's frustrating and pretty scary, but we'll see where it goes from here. I mean, I just really have to hope that the Dawns find a way to stay up.

Hank: Yeah. Well, I don't know. I feel like I feel like you're just having a run of bad luck and it's going to come back.

John: I hope you're right. I hope you're right. What's the news from Mars?

Hank: John, so you know the Mars 2020 rover getting ready to go to Mars. You also know that sometimes Pieces of Mars actually end up on Earth and this is one of the ways that we've actually been able to study a little bit more about how Mars What Mars is like because we haven't ever been able to like Bring a piece of Mars back

John: for us to hold

Hank: but because of you know asteroid impacts And you know various times in the history of the solar system pieces of Mars have actually been blasted into space and then Occasionally one of those pieces of Mars will land on Earth and we will find one. Now we've done that a number of times and these. Martian meteorites are extremely prized and all of them are all of them are You know in scientific institutions and being studied a piece one of those Martian meteorites Piece of it is actually going to be sent back to Mars on the Mars 2020 rover. And this is not like, this is not just a reunification to say, hey, Mars, you lost this.

We found it and we wanted to bring it back to you, because, you know, possession is nine tenths of the law, so we're not saying that this is yours, but, you know, it's not exactly ours either, so, but... Because there's this instrument, it's called the Scanning Habitable Environments with Raman and Luminescence for Organics and Chemicals, which if that sounds like a really awkward acronym, it's because it is. It's an acronym for SHERLOCK.

That comes out in the end. It needs a calibration target to like basically to know exactly a bunch of things about this rock. and thus it can like calibrate on the rock and then it can like get better more precise data about the rocks that it's measuring on the surface of Mars and they wanted to use a. rock that was Mars-like and so instead of like picking a rock that on Earth that had a lot of Martian like Mars-like properties they are using a piece of Mars that we found on Earth.

John: Wow. Wow.

Hank: This is pretty freaking cool.

John: That is pretty freaking cool, man. That is... Yeah. Science.

Hank: So yeah, only about 200 Martian meteorites have been confirmed to be from Mars. So this is a pretty next level thing to do, but it's very cool.

John: That is cool. That is cool. Well, congratulations on your forthcoming Mars reunification project. I can only hope that in 2020, when that happens, AFC Wimbledon will be playing in the third tier of English football in their new home at Plough Lane.

But time will tell. In the meantime, Hank, what did we learn today?

Hank: John, we learned that ants have special passport pheromones that allow them to know whether or not an ant should be friends or you kill them.

John: We learned that the MarbleLympics is arguably the best Olympics, but definitely in the top two.

Hank: And we learned that my new book, An Absolutely Remarkable Thing, comes out September 25th and is going to be the. next big thing in cryptocurrency. 

John: And lastly, we learned several ways not to pronounce oldest threat.

Hank: Oldest threat.

John: All right, Hank, thank you for potting with me. Thanks everybody for listening. We're gonna go record our patrons only podcast this week and Ryan's right now over and you'll find out more patreon.com slash. dear Hank and John But thank you again for potting with me. and to everybody who listens and sends in your questions I'm sorry. We don't answer more of them.

They are an absolute delight to read and it brings us so much joy to be able to do this every week.

Hank: And thank you, John. This podcast is produced by Rosianna Halse Rojas and Sheridan Gibson. It's edited by Nicholas Jenkins. Our head of community and communications is Victoria Bongiorno.

Our music in the beginning and the end and for this week at Ryan's is by the great Gunnarolla. And as they say in our hometown, don't forget to be awesome.