Lizzie: Hi everyone! Jane and I are having a bit of a disagreement. She says that I keep instigating arguments with Darcy, when he's trying to be "nice".

Jane: Nice is not the word I used.

Lizzie: I'm paraphrasing, and it doesn't matter, because you are wrong, wrong, wrong. 

Jane: You promised you would keep this civil! 

Lizzie: I am always civil. Are you sure that you want to talk about this in front of tens of thousands of viewers?  

Jane: She's the one who insisted on turning on the camera. Lizzie: Yeah, cause I thought it would make you leave me alone. 

Jane: You cannot use the internet as a safety blanket, Lizzie. 

Lizzie: I can try! Alright, fine. My name is Lizzie Bennet, and William Darcy does not like me. At all. Not at all. Nope.

[intro plays] 

Jane: I understand what you're saying, but he's trying, and I think that he genuinely likes you as a person.

Lizzie: What? What?! Darcy? Genuine? Like people? [As DarcyBot]: Does not compute. [as herself] Darcy doesn't like anything, except himself, and wearing scarves, in the middle of the summer.

Jane: Well you tend to be a little confrontational.

Lizzie: I am very agreeable. 

Jane: How about when he asked you to dance the other night?

Lizzie: He did no such thing!

Jane: He so did! 

Lizzie: At what point were the words "Lizzie do you wanna get your groove thing on" uttered by Darcy? 

Jane: Never, I would hope. 

Lizzie: Yeah, no! Oh god, forget - strike that. Um - but you know what I meant. 

Jane: Here you go! [Hands Lizzie piece of paper]

Lizzie: Really? We're doing this? 

Jane: Come on! I'm getting really good at it.

Lizzie: Internet fame is going to your head!

Jane: [imitating Darcy] Hey. You're kind of into audio visual stuff. How do you like these speakers? They have a 270 degree delivery system providing true stereo-scopic sound. I put them in myself.

Lizzie: See! There you go - he's patting himself on the back. GREAT conversation opener.

Jane: That is not what you said.

[Lizzie clears throat]

Lizzie: [reading from script as herself] The sound quality is mediocre at best.

Jane: [as Darcy] Oh. Yeah. Yeah. Um. My personal preference is for a vintage gramophone type of sound. They provide a more authentic and rustic feel but - 

Lizzie: just get to the point!

Jane: [as Darcy] So! Uhm, this song is really catchy, I hear it's popular and really good for dancing. You like this kind of music, right? I mean, that's what Caroline said - not that we talk about you but yeah - uh - uh - dance music.

Jane: And this is the part where she ignores him!

Jane: [as Darcy] I said this music is really good for dancing, yeah?

Lizzie: See! That is by no means an invitation to dance.

Jane: Lizzie!

Lizzie: How do you get from "good for dancing" to "let's dance"?

Jane: It's implied. He wanted to dance.

Lizzie: The only thing he wanted was for me to say that I like popular music, so that he could mock me with his mocking words, and his mocking face, and his beady little mocking eyes.

Jane: I know, you told him as much.

Lizzie: I didn't say exactly that.

Jane: You might as well have. Oh wait! Didn't something else happen, after that? 

Lizzie: [from script] I know you're only saying this so you can make fun of my tastes, I'd rather not give you the pleasure so just go ahead and hate me anyway.

Jane: [as Darcy] Hate you? I would never dare hate you.

[Lizzie mimes vomiting]

Lizzie: He just wanted to prove that he was morally superior. Have you not been following his MO? Vanity. Pride.

Jane: And you're sure your interpretations are always correct?

Lizzie: I trust my gut. And my gut is always right. Almost.

Jane: You were wrong about Bing.

Lizzie: I hadn't met the guy yet!

Jane: Well what about Caroline?

Lizzie: Okay, I'll admit, Caroline is great. I missed on that one. I was duped.

Jane: Well, I'm going to go to dinner with Bing, are you going to be okay here, do you wanna - 

Lizzie: Is that an invitation? Do you LIKE me third wheeling? 

Jane: No, I was just being - 

Lizzie: Nice. Waaaah. Have fun.

Jane: Bye! 

[Jane exits]

Lizzie: Well that was fun! Jane is getting kind of pushy, am I right? This whole being in a loving, caring relationship, with a decent guy, is really warping her personality. And it's really good for her. Or it could just be that we've been here for so long...

"Nice"? Darcy? I mean, it's like every time you say those words together, an angel loses its wings. So let's stop saying it.

I bet some of you are going to jump on this "Darcy train" and go off and write fanfiction about us having epic adventures together! And I am not one to squash creativity, so I say epic fanfiction, go nuts. But with Darcy? Well you are nuts.

[outro plays]