Hello and welcome to Hankgames without Hank, my name is John Green. As you can see, we are talking on the MK Dons again, the franchise. They're wearing white, to symbolize cowardliness and- cowardice. Probably not cowardliness, probably cowardice. Cowardice and surrender. We are wearing blue, um... The color of victory, strength and femininity.

Alright, there's Other John Green. Look at his beautiful ginger hair! So mad that we have to play the MK Dons again. Have I mentioned how pissed off I am? Amankwaa Amankwaa starting in goal today, by the way. Um... AFC Wimbledon- oh, gosh.

Anyway, it's the FA Cup, basically the rules here are we win or we go home. We already tied the MK Dons once, and now we're taking them on again, as I hear- as I hear from the stands (sings) you know who you are, you know who you are, you franchise bastards, you know who you are! (talks) Wow, a lot of- quite a lot of feeling. Uh, for those of you who don't know, the team that currently plays in Milton Keynes but could play anywhere in the future, because they're a franchise, not a real football club, um... Exists because uh, Wimbledon's club was stolen away from them and moved to Milton Keynes.

In its ashes, um... AFC Wimbledon was formed, worked its way up - seven promotions in nine years - worked its way up back into the football league. We were in league two, then we were in league one. Now we're in the championship. MK Dons meanwhile, languishing in league one! Um... And not as good as us, plus we've got the spirit that they don't have, so we should win this game! That's the basic update.

What's today's topic? The topic is winning. Um, specifically, winning this game against the MK Dons. That's a nice pass. That's a nice pass to ya Bamba! (sings) Ya ya ya- (talks) Nope. Yep. Nope. Alright. I am like, super anxious. I never thought that I would have to play these douche-nozzles again. Meredith, can I say douche-nozzles? She said no. Are you sure? Too late now, she says. It is just that I should have um, is it just gross, or inappropriate or is it misogynistic? Oh, she doesn't know. All she knows is, she doesn't like it.

Um... Anyway, I don't like these people, they don't like me, um... Our s- I don't like the fact that our fans have had to go to their dirty, nasty stolen stadium, um, but I will say that we're sure out-singing them! As we sing (sings) who were you, who were you, who were you when you were us? (talks) Oh no! Amankwaa! Amankwaa! It's a beautiful save from Amankwaa Amankwaa! Oh, man. This is nervous. This is nervous! What is going on? Amankwaa! Ohhhh, Amankwaa Amankwaa - he always wears pants. You noticed that, Meredith? He's not a shorts-wearer. He's a man who loves his pants, even in warm weather! It is a little creepy. I find that people who wear unseasonable pants... There is usually a reason to be suspicious of them!

Look at this unnec- look at that beautiful unnecessary slide tackle! That's some violence and anger, and we know- I like to see that against the MK Dons! Get 'em! Get 'em, ya Bamba! Show 'em who's boss. Oh, I liked it! I loved every- it was not a foul! It was a little leg-hug. Get over yourself, wimps. Alright. Sorry. Sorry! It's brings out the worst in me, I know it does. I know it does. I shouldn't be like this.

Oh no. Why are they better than us?! I don't understand! Alright, there we go. We've got the ball out of the box... That's a nice ball - that's what we call a searching pass! Get it before you go out of bou-ohhh, it just ran past me. Are you really gonna bring that back for a yellow card? Really?! Oh, really? I get a yellow card for that? Do they get a yellow card for being easily... Easily the least-likeable football club in the history of professional soccer? No? They don't get a yellow card for that?

Anyway, that was a great- what I loved about that tackle from ya Bamba - if I could see it again, it would be great - is that he basically... Not only did he tackle the guy, he then proceeded to- oh, John Green! John Green on the ball! John Green on the baaaaall! Oooo-ooooooooooh! (sings) He's big, he's tough, he has a ginger puff! Other John Green! Other John Green! (talks) Do you think this matters to him? He begged to start over Dicko and Deeney. He said "please! Please let hubby and I start... I want little JJ to see us beat the holy living crap out of the Milton Keynes franchise!"

That was a fantastic tackle as well. Um... This is wonderful! Everything is working out better than expected. One-nil in the 26th minute... John Green with an am- first off, he just takes the MK throw-in and then just proceeds to absolutely demolish the goal! I mean, he hit that ball... He's just- he's a finisher! That's who he is as a person.

Alright, let's get the ball out of the box, please. That's nice. I like that! No! Ya Bamba, you're better than that! Alright, there to ya Bamba, and now to Callum Kennedy with his hideous hair, rampaging down the sidelines as he likes to do! Callum horrible hair Kennedy to Bald John Green! Oh, it's saved. But John Green's on the ball! Mmm... I think that was- I think that was touch, so I think it's gonna be... Yes, it is a corner kick. Come on, boys! Francombstein, into the box! Ohhh, it wasn't a very good corner.

Urgh, thought that was gonna work! I think that might have been the Gaulden child. No, it was Mose Vestergaard! He's only 17 years old. He would be our youngest player if the Gaulden child weren't 12. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOH! (sings) Bald John Green, John Green, he gives it all for the team... Upon his moustache, we're keen. Bald John Green, John Green!

(talks) Now some people would say "maybe it's time to calm down, up two-nil in the first half, maybe it's time to make some substitutions, rest some of your players..." Maybe it's time to humiliate our opponents and make them regret ever existing! Sorry. It's not- this isn't like me! I'm not like this as a person, usually. It's just this one rivalry that really gets to me.

Was I ever like this with Swindon Town? No, I was nice and calm, even when we would play clubs that I greatly disliked, like Manchester United, Chelsea football club... Uh, Manchester City. Um, all of these clubs, by the way, built on the blood of oil peasants. Um... Uh, even when we would play those, I would be nice and calm and very reasonable. Occasionally, I would mention the blood of the peasants, but only occasionally! Um, but boy. Against- against the- Milton Keynes do-dickies, I just...

Oh, God! Amankwaa! Everything worked out better than expected. We really struggle- I find- I think our defense is lacking, right now. I'm just gonna say it - I think we need another player before the end of the transfer deadline - before the end of the transfer window. A central defender who can really anchor the club and also maybe score some goals on corners, because that's something we've struggled with. Nice offside trap there, though! Okay. Everything's gonna be fine. That was a good offside trap.

There's Leonardo Moura... Okay. Can we get a third goal in the first half? I'd really like to win six-nothing. I really wanna break their hearts. Ohhh, yes. Yeah. To your husband? Yes. Yes! YES! I love this game! Ahhh, suck it, Milton Keynes! Suck it! (sings) Bald John Gree- (talks) actually, that was- that was a John Green and John Green. (sings) John Greens, John Greens, Bald and Other John Greens... They're the best forwards that Wimbledon has ever seen. (talks) What a great ball that was, too. He just drew it back and then humiliation for our opponents! Sorry. Reminds me of the Melian dialogue Meredith; "the strong do as they will, and the weak suffer what they must".

Get 'em! Maybe we can get four by half time. That's a fantastic tackle! What?! Is it half time? Alright, it's half time. That was a legal tackle though. Goals from John Green, John Green and John Green in the first half. Should I let Deeney and Dicko- should I allow them to be unleashed? Do you have an opinion? Meredith thinks that I should- that I should unleash the Dicko. Um... I don't know why you had to phrase it that way, Meredith. (laughing) It's so weird when you say it that way! It's just like... I mean, really... Out of context, that sounds super weird.

We're gonna go ahead and make uh, make our full compliment of three half-time substitutions here... Um... Moore is tired, but life is hard and full of disappointments. It's funny 'cause he was just begging me to play. Uh, Deeney and then I guess... Well, I can't- hmm. This is a difficult moment for me, because the right substitution is Moura, but the substitution in my heart is uh, is this one, and I think in this situation, I've gotta listen to my heart.

Bringing on the Gaulden child, putting Francombstein out on the wing, Gaulden child in the dead middle of- there we go. This is gonna be great! Three half-time substitutions, just like the pros do it. Up three-nil against the MK Dons and uh, here comes the Gaulden child. Look at his- look at his boy face! Do you know- Meredith, do you know that he's not going to have to shave for ten more years?! It's true, he's only four. Um... It's amazing.

My son is four and he's not a professional footballer at all! Not even close! Not even particularly good. He can- he's learning how to dribble recently, which is super adorable. They're gonna say that was offside, but it was onside in my heart! Um... Yeah, so his dribbling is really, really cute. And he just learned about nutmegging. He just nutmegged me for the first time. I've really- I mean, to be frank with you, I could prevent the nutmeg if I wanted to, but I decide not to, out of abundant love for my child. And he just thinks it's amazing to dribble the ball through my legs, and um... And he's just like, "Daddy, you're so bad at soccer!" And I wanna be like "Well, I'm obviously not trying!" but I don't say that because you know, can't hurt his feelings that way.

Oh, you needed to get there! Oh, that was Hells Pells with an amazing opportunity! Amazing! But he didn't get there. It's full of- I have to confess to being disappointed a little bit in Hells Pells there, because I really- what I want to see is not only an AFC Wimbledon victory, but a full-scale at-home humiliation, an immolation, if you will, of the team that plays in Milton Keynes, but could in the future play anywhere, because they're a franchise and don't even really exist.

It's like saying- I mean, is McDonald's a restaurant? Kind of! You know? Can't say it's not a restaurant, but at the same time, you know... It's not a football club. Like, it's just- there's no community there. There's no "there" there! You can't um, you can't fake it, you know what I mean? You can't fake a football club.

That's a- that's a nice pass. That's a pass to Deeney! Get it back. Get it back to Dicko! Dicko? Dicko?! Oh, that's amazing run! Dicko with an amazing run! O-oooooh! Dicko! (sings) Dicko, Dicko, Dicko, Dicko! Dicko, Dicko, Dicko, Dicko! Dicko, Dicko, Dicko, Dicko! Dick-o just scored a goal! (talks) That was beautiful. Wasn't that beautiful, Meredith? It was like a thirty-yard run. I thought like, surely Dicko isn't gonna get past them... but he did! He did. It was an amazing, beautiful run.

There we go! How about another one? Ohhh, that was almost open for the Gaulden child. The Gaulden child, not- not really developing as a speedster, the way I was hoping, but I'm not giving up hope on him yet, 'cause I like him as a person, and you know... I feel like that's not a bad reason to keep playing someone. Come on! Come on, Hells Pells, don't run away from the ball. You- Hells Pells, always been a little scared of the ball.

Okay, come on guys! It's four-nil, I know that's exciting, but you know what would even better? Is six-nil! It's really my dream scoreline against the MK Dons, to win by six. That's- that's- that's full-on humiliation, you know? Oh, oh! Deeney! Deeney was in! And then a totally unnecessary slide-tackle there, and then another one. Ohhh, it's just vintage- vintage Wimbly Wombly football. There we go! There's a tackle. Oh, we're back on the ball! You know who's open? I hate to say it, but it's Dicko! Oh, he's not heavy, he's my Dicko! Oh-hhhh!

Come on, guys. No! Obviously I didn't want you to pass to the cowards in white! Geez. In what world do you think would be a good plan? Oh, I know who we'll pass to! The franchise. Alright. Here we go. Here we go. We're gonna get the ball back, we're gonna score a fifth goal. I don't know if we're gonna score a sixth, but I'm fully committed to scoring five! Five is really- like, it's- four goals is embarrassing- is an embarrassing loss. Five goals is like full-on humiliation!

Come on, Gaulden child! Be strong. Be big! Arghhhh. I really- I don't know if you can tell, but I passionately- passionately want that fifth goal, 'cause I wanna see- I wanna see their faces when we win five-nil. I really- I love- I love when they squat in shame after a five-nil loss. Come on!

Look at Dicko - 17 goals in all competitions. It's just a fantastic scoring record. Ohhh, and then you can already see, it's just dejected substitutions. I think they might be trying to kill time with their substitutions actually, because they know they've lost the game and they don't wanna suffer further humiliation. It's beautiful. Beautiful! That's a nice ball. Yep. Yep! Yep. Go, Mose Vestergaard, go! Gahhh, oh God, he's slow. He's only 17 but man, he just cannot run yet. He'll grow into it. He'll grow- see how they're trying to kill time? The goalie just held on to the ball for a long time because they don't wanna give up a fifth goal because they know that it would go from horrible to unbearable.

Ohhh, Dicko! Dicko. Mose Vestergaard from way outside! No, I think that went off Dicko too, so I don't even think it's gonna be a corner kick. Look at that- look at how slowly they're doing the walk-through. Look how slowly they're doing their substitutions - they know it's over! Oh, I love to see- your tears make me so joyful!

Alright, Dicko with a cross into the box! Ohhh, no. Yep. Yep. Yep! What?! I just scored! I just put the ball in the back of the net, it's five-nil in my heart! I think you and I know that that was actually a five-nil scoreline with the Gaulden child scoring a beautiful 90th minute goal, despite the MK Dons constantly trying to kill time!

Heroes, heroes, victory! Ginger goalie, you can suck it! I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I don't mean to say that about gingers. That wasn't nice. That wasn't nice. I love gingers. I apologize to all my ginger supporters, all the ginger supporters of the Wimbly Womblys, I wanna apologize to Other John Green, uh, I wanna apologize to Ginger McShane, Ginger Rampage, but what a beautiful win for Amankwaa Amankwaa, Callum Kennedy's hideous hair... John- goals from John Green, John Green, John Green, and he's not heavy, he's my Dicko.

Thank you for watching! Ah, suck it, franchise! Best wishes.