Hank: And now one of my very favorite YouTube creators in the world. I’ve had the opportunity to collaborate with him on a number of occasions and I’m just a humongous fan. One of the most innovative guys in online video, this is Wheezy Waiter!

John: Wheezy Waiteeerrrrr! Yeah!

Hank: I mean…

John: Craig!? Craig!? Uhhhhh…

Hank: Uhhhh… OK

John: Hold on.

Hank: Uh, I mean he was j… we all just talked right?

John: Yeah, I mean he was here. I don’t…

Hank: He’s he…

John: He might, uhhh…

Hank: We’re, we’re gonna go get Craig.

(John and Hank run off stage)

(Intro)

Hank: Wow, you changed really fast!

John: Yeah, I had to suit up.

Hank: Craig!

John: Craig! You have to be on stage like…

Hank: It is now… now is…

John: Right now!

Craig: The coffee’s done and as you know I love it when the coffee’s done.

John: That is totally unacceptable! Actually I would like some coffee

Hank: If I could also have some coffee.

Craig: Oh, OK great. Oh man, I really want to thank you for having me at this video conference. There’s a giant shark over there and did you see the Thrift Shop performance? That was, that was really good (grabs rat poison). Creamer?

John: Oh yeah please.

Craig: Cool.

John: It’s always a little bit stressful, but it’s mostly fun you know.

Craig: Yeah I mean, I think I’m probably the best performance, I think everyone else is really waiting for…

Hank: I do not… Well, you…

John: I’m going to go a strong Jack and Finn on that one but you’re top, you’re top twenty.

Craig: OK

Hank: Thank you.

Craig: Good is it?

John: Yeah, it’s very good, but we gotta… let’s go, go get on stage.

Hank: This guy. He loves it when the coffee’s done.

John: Ladies and gentlemen, Wheezy Waiter!

Craig: Hi!

Hank: This coffee tastes weird man.

Craig: It’s good. I drink it black. I really, I think it’s good.

(Hank and John collapse)

Craig: What’s happening? What, what happened? Oh god!

Audience member: You killed them!

Craig: Wait.

Freddie: Oh man.

Craig: He’s, I think he’s dead.

Freddie: I haven’t vlogged in a while. Here we are at VidCon main… Oh look.

Craig: John’s dead.

Freddie: It’s Wheezy Waiter!

Craig: Freddie!

Freddie: And he’s killed two nerds.

Craig: Turn that camera off! Turn that camera off! I don’t want anyone to see this. It’s not like we’re in a room full of people or anything.

Freddie: Ah, hmm. What have you done!

Craig: I don’t know. I may have killed John and Hank.

Freddie: Oh boy. Oh that’s bad. Shoot. Oh, I put a deposit down for next year. Is it cancelled? Can I get a refund? Is there somebody here…

Craig: Freddie! This is serious!

Freddie: What do you want me to do?

Craig: I don’t know, what do we do?

Freddie: You know what. Hold on, hold on. I gotta guy, we can chop these up we can bury them…

Craig: No, no, no, no, no, no. No. This isn’t Breaking Bad.

Freddie: What are you worried about. Look at you. You’re, you’re flipping out man. How many times have I died in my videos?

Craig: Countless.

Freddie: 83. Every single time I come back. I come back, it’s fine. Our kind can come back as long as we get a group of people to sing to us. The power of music can bring us back.

Craig: Really. I was not aware of this.

Freddie: Yeah, it’s an Asian thing. No, it’s a YouTube thing.

Craig: Oh, OK.

Freddie: It’s a YouTube personality thing. What are you doing! You know that the bodies are decomposing! Go get the people! Go! Go! What are you doing? Get out of here!

Craig: Oh, OK. I gotta go. I gotta go get people to sing.

(Runs out)

Craig: Oh rat poison. (Starts to drink) No, no. Jack and Finn! I accidentally killed John and Hank. Can you help me revive them on stage please? Thanks.

Finn: Who was that?

Jack: I don’t know.

Craig: What are you eating?

Jack: What?

Craig: Is that candy?

Jack: Yeah.

(Craig steals some)

Jack: No, that’s mine!

Finn: It’s maoams.

Jack: Dude! Who is that guy?

Finn: I have no idea.

Jack: What a weirdo.

(Craig runs into another room with music where Mitchell Davis is dancing)

Craig: Mitchell Davis?

Mitchell: Huh? Hay! Wheezmeister.

Craig: I need your help.

Mitchell: What? Do you need my help dude? I am so good at helping. Seriously, you should look at my suitcase. It’s lined with, like, books on how to help, books on how to read, because I’m not exactly, I’m still, like, a little sketchy and then I also have like a tiny little gun. I’m not sure if it works, but it’s small enough that we could penetrate the skin.

(Craig runs off)

Mitchell: Where are you going?

(Mitchell starts to dance again. Craig runs to a different building)

Craig: Oh, this is Shay’s new house.

(Knocks on door)

Shay: It’s open.

Craig: Shay, I need your help, I’ve got to revive John and Hank.

Shay: Craig, I can’t. I have too many kids.

(Craig leaves)

Shay: You know what! (Throws Rocktard on bed) I don’t like that one anyways. I’m coming Wheezy!

(Craig runs up stairs)

Craig: Oh, Charlie. (Knocks on door) Charlie! I accidentally killed John and Hank by putting rat poison in their coffee.

Charlie: See, that’s why I don’t drink coffee. I drink tea!

Craig: Pretty sure it was the rat poison, not the coffee.

Charlie: Was it? (Pours rat poison in tea) Scrumptious.

Craig: But are, are you going to help me?

Charlie: I’m sorry, I can’t. I have too many kids.

(Craig runs off)

Corey: We meet again, Wheezy!

Craig: Really? We’re gonna fight again? Don’t you think we’ve jumped the shark at this point.

Corey: Jumped the shark? It’s a little too big for that, eh?

Craig: Oh is it? Huh, huh. (Jumps at shark) Yep, it is. It is, it is. It is.

Corey: I hate you so much.

Craig: I don’t have time for this.

Corey: I’m sorry.

(Craig picks up pan and Corey picks up umbrella and fight while running)

Corey: I hate you so much. I fell.

(Run into screaming crowd)

Corey: I hate you!

Craig: I hate you! Picture, picture, picture. (Has picture taken then starts to fight again. Run outside and see Jacuzzi and then sit in it)

Craig: I gotta go. Hank and John are dead.

Corey: Hank and John are dead?

Sam: Hey!

Corey: Hello.

Sam: I’m Sam. It’s easier to eat when it’s wet. You want some?

(Corey runs away. Craig runs to a corridor)

Craig: Olga! I accidentally killed Hank and John. Can you help me revive them?

Olga: Yes!

Craig: Wow, that didn’t take any convincing at all.

Olga: No.

Craig: Aren’t you wondering why I’m not wearing a shirt and am holding a frying pan?

Olga: No.

Craig: Great! There you go (Gives Olga frying pan and runs off)

Olga: Oh wow. Awesome. I can finally make some eggs.

(Craig runs into room)

Craig: Tessa!

Tessa: Craig! Hey! (Slaps Craig)

Craig: Why, why’d you slap me?

Tessa: A fly.

Craig: I accidentally killed John and Hank. Can… (Tessa slaps him again) Can you help me?

Tessa: No. (Slaps him again)

Craig: Oh, OK.

(Runs back on stage)

Craig: Oh. I kind of failed at getting people. Where did Freddie go? Oh no, oh no.

Corey: Craig. I may hate you but I've used my Canadian powers 'cause I love John and Hank. So I brought some people here to help.

Craig: Oh, thank goodness! Oh! Everybody. Listen guys, I kinda accidentally killed John and Hank. Uh, we have to sing and, uh, I uh, uh, uh, thought of a song we could sing that we all know the words to, I’m pretty sure. Um, I’ll just start and everyone join in, OK?

'Never gonna give you up,
Never gonna let you down
Never gonna run around and desert you
Never gonna make you cry,
Never gonna say goodbye (you're alive!)
Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you’

And we’re pelvic thrusting. Whoo! They’re alive everybody! Hooray! Whoo!

John: We love you VidCon, thank you so much!

Hank: Thank you VidCon!

John: Thank you for saving our lives!

(Never gonna give you up plays while people dance and Craig mimes)