[pleasant music underscore]

Lindsey: I'm Dr. Lindsey Doe, this is Sexplanations and my friend, Santi.

Santiago: Hi, I'm Santiago Grimaldi.

L: This episode is sponsored by adamandeve.com; check out their amazing promotion at the end of this video. [to S] Ready?

S: Ready. Let's go.

[into]

L: We are in Baja, California Sur, which is the peninsula of Mexico to the west, and I live here, and Santi lives with me right now. And you're eighteen years-old [S chuckles] and you're sexually active... sometimes. [chuckles]

S: Sometimes, but not right now. [they chuckle]

L: We kite together -

S: Yeah, we do.

L:  - and we eat together. So, he's gonna help me with an "Ask Lindsey" video. Questions from your friends.

S: Yeah, I did, and some are mine, but most of them are my friend's questions.

L: Okay, I'm ready. [showing rainbow dildo] Do you want me to hold this? Is this -

S: Yeah, okay, I can hold it.

L: This is [they laugh] like my security blanket.

S: I'll hold it; I need something. [reads phone] "Why do you think girls explore their bodies?" Or start with masturbation and watching porn later than men?

L: So, my theory, because I don't know the research on it, but I can look it up and put it in the description if I find it, is that people you are calling "boys" - we'll call people who have their genitals more external - they have these little contraptions on the outside of their body that get bumped up against things or they notice that they're hard and it feels good to touch them, and so that positively reinforces them to explore.

Whereas, people with vulvas are taught that their bodies are posession of other people, that they're supposed to guard them - not touch them, keep them tucked away- we're not really even taught how to clean them. And so, that reinforcement doesn't happen as early as usual. In fact, sometimes it doesn't happen until they're given permission by their peers - as late as high school and college - to explore themselves by a masturbation.

S: So, you think girls should start masturbating at a younger age than one...

L: "Should?" Yeah. I don't like the language "should," but do I want everyone to be masturbating? Absolutely.

L: Absolutely. Because it's great for them to learn about themselves just so they know their own pleasure, but also so that they can share that with other people if they choose, and it's awesome for hygiene. 

I made a whole video about the evolution of masturbation because I think that the reason why we evolved to masturbate is for hygiene purposes.

S: That's interesting.

L: You know when you go like, this or like this [gestures], you're moving things around and excavating smegma.

S: There you go, people. [they laugh] Okay, should we go with the second question, or...?

L: Yup, yup. No, let's answer it, but - 

S: Okay.

L: This question is sponsored by the "Vibrating Climaxer." [opens box] Can we play with it?

S: Yeah, yeah. [holds product] This is the mm-[gestures towards product box].

L: Okay. [laughs at S' reaction, imitating] "Mm."

S: The thing? [they chuckle] And you put this on your dick - on your dick or on HIS dick, and it's to, you know - mm [touches product] - with the clit.

L: [laughs] Okay.

S: This - [attaching product to dildo]

L: I think it's gonna-, do you need two hands?

S: Yeah.

L: Do you need four hands?

S: Four hands. Yeah, four hands.

L: Okay. 

S: But if there's only three or maybe six? Who knows. 

L: Yeah, that's true. [they struggle to attach it] This looks like a very painful endeavor for an actual phallus.

S: Yeah, that's why you should do-, that's why you should do it when it's not hard. Or use some lube.

L: That's not what she said. Yeah, you could use lube. I also think that... I'm just feeling -

S: Speechless?

L: - bad for this dildo. [they laugh] Okay, there we go.

S: Get it down, get it down.

L: This feels like -

S: Okay, there we go.

L: [showing completed assembly] I think these two work well together.

S: They do.

L: I really want to get this off.

S: I'll get it off, you -

L: Or we can - [moves background curtain, sticks dildo on glass windowpane, S chuckles]. [to dildo] Stay there.

S: Should we unbox -

L: Do you want to do another toy? [S chuckles, L shows item] We played with this earlier to make sure that we knew what we were doing, and I think we were successful in figuring it out.

S: Yeah.

L: Okay. So, we'll demonstrate.

S: [frame zooms in on S] On the arm. [zoom out]

L: On the arm.

S: Yeah. [they chuckle]

L: So, what we've figured out is it comes like this [shows product], and you screw these-, there's an episode that I do with Amp from Watt's the Safeword about nipple suckers, and this is similar, except that these have a vibrator on the end of them. Am I doing correctly?

S: No, that's electrical stimulation - it doesn't vibrate, it tingles.

L: What he said. Yeah, why does it have two inputs here?

S: To... have a threesome. I mean, you don't have four nipples, do you? [they chuckle] No.

L: Okay. [they attach products on S' arm] You got it?

S: Wait, not yet.

L: I think we should make this one a little tighter.

S: No! It hurts, it's starting to hurt.

L: Okay, okay, okay.

S: I'm gonna get a hickey. [adjusts] Okay, there we go.

L: All right, so how-, [presses buttons] Okay, it's on "weak." "Power." Should we have a safeword?

S: Yeah, "Stop. Stop!" [they laugh]

L: Okay. Your options are "tap, vibrating, massage," and "auto."

S: Tap.

L: Tell me when you can feel it.

S: I can't feel it now. I mean, it hurts, it's suctioning my arm. ... Yeah, I can start to feel that

L: What does it feel like?

S: It's-, it's, um...

L: Vibrating?

S: I can't feel anything, I can't - ooh! Oh! [they laugh] That's too much! That is too much. [removes products] Yup, it works.

L: Okay, we're good, we're good., we're doing it.

S: So what should someone do if your partner is pressuring you to have sex, or that's like, his goal? Not his "goal," he's like really, you know? Like, sex is an important part of it, and they didn't have the conversation; what should you do if the guy or the girl is pressuring the other to -

L: Absolutely have the conversation. So, when I was working with clients, what I would have them do is I would have them take whatever sexual issue they were struggling with and move it out of sex and put it in a different model. So, for example, you are WAY into kite-boarding  [S chuckles] - this is a language you know, so I'm going to try this with you.

L: If somebody was pressuring you to kite on a day that had really bad wind or to do a trick that wasn't safe, like earlier I said, "Can you just take you kites and have them go like this [gestures] and then spin in the air?" And you said, "No, that would be really dangerous!" [S chuckles] Right? And if I kept saying, "No, Santi. There's gotta be a way to do this; I'm sure we can figure it out! I'll just find a person-, or I'll do it myself - a very beginner kiter - and we'll just cut, and I'll just spin the bar and we'll just do it." And if I kept telling you that this needed to happen, you would say -

S: No! [they laugh]

L: Right. And you wouldn't feel any guilt or shame?

S: No, not at all.

L: Would you feel like you were gonna lose me as a friend?

S: No [chuckles, no. Because it's something quite dangerous if you try, so no.

L: Because you know your boundaries -

S: Uh-huh.

L: - and you feel comfortable in your knowledge of kiting, right?

S: Yeah.

L: To assert yourself and say that those boundaries are valid, right?

S: Yeah.

L: So, then I would take that and put it back into the sexual issue, right? We have a metaphor that you've worked all the way thorough; put it back into the sexual example. Apply it - so, the person needs to know what their boundaries are, and they would want to feel comfortable with those boundaries by knowing about sexuality.

So, watching something like Sexplanations, reading books about sexuality, really understanding why they would or wouldn't want to have sex, what's important to them, what needs to be in place for them to be comfortable; that helps them be more confident in saying "yes" or saying "no" or having the full conversation about the pressure that they feel from their partner to prioritized sex.

S: Yeah.

L: Yeah!

S: [reads] "Is it bad to jerk off every day?"

L: [they laugh] I so badly want to know if you asked these questions; they're such good questions! Okay, "Is it bad -

L: Okay, "Is it bad to jerk off everyday?" What would make it bad?

S: I don't know, it's not my question.

L: Okay, do you have any ideas?

S: What would make it bad to ejaculate every day? And not letting your body have more than a day to, you know, just... settle?

L: Mm-hmm?

S: Just too much if you're not using lube or saliva, the friction between your dic and your hand, and if you have calluses and it could be even worse.

L: I don't think that masturbating every day is intrinsically bad - meaning that it's just automatically bad, right? It's about your intentions and the context of it. So, if the person is masturbating to avoid doing work or school or getting out of bed, etc., that might not be a positive thing for the other aspects of their health. But masturbating everyday - or multiple times a day - I don't think is bad.

S: So, it's normal.

L: It's about the context. Yeah, it's healthy! Where it becomes a problem is when it affects the other aspects of their lives. So sometimes, that is a person's relationship, and they might be partnered with somebody who believes that if they're masturbating, they must not like them as much. "Why are you masturbating and not having sex with me?" or "Why do you need to masturbate when we're having sex?" or "Why can't I own your sexuality and control it all?"

People can have their individual pleasure AND shared pleasure; that they're not mutually exclusive.

S: Hm. So, it's good.

L: It can be.

S: It's not bad.

L: Yeah, it's not bad. And it's also not bad if people choose to never masturbate.

S: Why do you think girls find having losing their big heart more important? Like, maybe the guys because-, well, most of my friends and the people I know, it's like for the guys, it's like, "Yeah, I'll have sex; I don't care with who, I'll have sex." But girls are more exclusive with that, and they, of course, picky with who they choose to have sex. So, why do you think girls -

S: - seem to care more?

L: Your body produces sperm in the millions, everyday, all day long. People who have bodies like mine produce an egg-, will release an egg or two or three - but very small numbers. And those are very valuable for a short amount of time. So, just biologically, the way we're driven is for me to be very selective about who that offspring becomes.

And then, you have historical reasons, like women being second-class citizens who were sold and traded as property. And so, we have always been taught that our vaginas - the hymen in particular -  is part of how we hold value. And so, if we just give that away, then suddenly, we are no longer valuable.

I should say that's not just history, that's what's going on right now in the world: there are people being killed if they have had sex, there are people who can't get jobs or go to school, etc., if their hymen is not intact, because the belief is that if the hymen is intact, then they have not had sex, and they still have value.

S: Wow, that's... I didn't know that.

L: It's intense.

S: Yeah. It is.

L: I'm gonna make you a playlist of videos that answered each one of your questions, and it could just be the "Santi's Sexplanations Playlist." Want to do one more toy?

S: Yeah, that's the last one, and this-, I mean, it seems pretty fancy to me.

L: Will you explain the whole thing in Spanish, because I really want you to just speak Spanish; that's what I want to have happen.

S: So, this is the -

L: That's English! [laughs]

S: This is the vibrator with a suction thing that sucks your clit - oh, that's English!

L: Ohmigosh! [they laugh]

(?~11:53 Transcriber Note: The following Spanish is approximated; fluent proofreader needed.)

S: Es un vibrador. Esta parte que y esto es... chupa? El -

L: "Chupa?" Que es "chupa?"

S: "Chupa" is "suck." 

L: Oh!

S: El clitoris asi que poses es doble palaseri los dos quienen differentes se muove differente, chupa differente, y a parte viene con - [switches to English] it comes with another suction thing, so - oh, and this fancy-ass bag. I don't think you guys can see it [Spanish], no corroque pue un verlo - but [shows product options]  one is bigger than the other one. So, if you have a big clit -. [showcases vibration through mic]

Yeah, it's great, and it's sponsored by - 

L: Adamandeve.com! You can put all of these things in your shopping cart, and then you can get 50% off an eligible item plus free shipping in the U.S. and Canada.

S: That was a nice segue, wasn't it?

L: That was, well done! Impressive. [they high-five]

Both: Stay curious!

[outro]