...not by who wrote it. Oh! Yes! Oh, it's John Green to John Green!
"John Green, John Green,
Bald and Other John Greens,
They love each other and they love our team."

Oh! It has to be! It's off the post! It's in!

It has to be! And it is!

One congressional district but not all of them. Oh! Bald John Green! Go dance!

Leroy Williamson! Yes!

I meant to hit the go to the fricking goal button.

Speaking of the goal. Bald John Green to Other John Green! It's a beautiful goal! Show me a dance!

...distraction for me. Oh, it has to be! Finally it is!

Ooh! Off the post! And in! And in! Ooh!

But it does bother them. Yes! Other John Green! He's a hero!

The silliness of this hat, it seems to me, is momentous and ought to be front page news in all of the newspapers in the United States.

And neither is Bal-oh. Yes! And now there's Bald John Green!

Oh! D. McGoldrilocks!
"He's big, he's red,
He's found the perfect bed,
D. McGoldrilocks. D. McGoldrilocks.
He's big, he's red,
He's found the perfect bed,
I'm off key, D. McGoldrilocks."

Leroy Williamson! Bald John Green! Oh! It's tied!

Good looking corner! Doh! It's a goal! It's a goal! Go do a funny dance!

I'm hoarse from all the goals I've been scoring lately.

...the sort of centrally defining thing. Oh! There it is at long last!

S. Holden Goalfield! And is! And is!

So much more interesting. It has to be! And it is! From Leroy Williamson to Other John Green! Oh!

He doesn't give up. He has no quit in him. Oh, he had a little bit of quit in him there at the end actually. I take it back.

...like leave us for brighter pastures. Oh!

...husband's making a far post run! The Swindon Town Swoodilypoopers are going to win the League Cup! Ooooh!

Woop. Could it be? Finally! Bald John Green! Go do something fancy. Oh, oh, oh yeah! It's the robot!

So there's a ship of mine. Jesus Ángel! Oh! Just send me an angel!

This is F.A. Cup football at its best. Complete with me passing to the other team.

He's like a Lucas. Oh! D. McGoldrilocks! It's two-nil!

...I would like. It's got to be. I waited perfectly! D. McGoldrilocks!

I want it! I want it for you! And you got it! Your first hat-trick of your entire career!

...or even if, no matter how good your book is - Bas... Oh! It's D. McGoldrilocks!

I'm gonna talk about, uh, haters. Um, I always feel weird saying that word 'cause it's such a silly word.

Pretty aware of their... Oh it has to be. Oh, Bald John Green.

And, um, and then I got f... Oh! D. McGoldrilocks, the F.A. Cup monster!

How do you manage, um, to do the... Ohohoho! In slow motion.

Yes! Oh! It's S. Holden Goalfield! He does score occasionally!

So here we go. Oh! Oh! Bald John Green opens the scoring and he gets hugged by his husband.

I wish to congratulate both John Green and John Green on heroic performances. Also not bad by manger John Green.