Do you see this vest? 500 or more condoms were used in the making of it! And it has a hood!

[Intro]

Cave wall drawings dating back twelve to fifteen thousand years show something on the head of penises that historians call condoms. We don't know what the function of condoms were thousands of years ago, but now we use them for keeping guns barrel clean. This is not a penis metaphor. It just keeps out the sand. Keeping cell phones and microphones dry. Survivor kits as fire starters and water bottles. They are also quite popular in preventing pregnancy and infections and the leaching of chemicals into your body from sex toys. 

So you wanna know how to use them correctly! First, you take the condom and make sure it's not expired. Slide it over to the side, use your other hand to tear the packaging so that it doesn't go through the actual condom itself. Push. Grab with your fingertips, not your fingernails. Test it out by rolling it down on two of them. Grab the loose end and stick it on the head of the penis. Retract the foreskin if you have one. And then slight it all the way down. Leaving this receptacle at the end to collect any fluid. 

This is a very carefully manufactured, meticulously tested, quality-assured invention. To make one of these sex shields, phallic glass forms are dipped in one of three materials. Latex, polyurethane, and polyisoprene. Latex. Polyurethane. Polyisoprene. 

There's also a lambskin condom which is made a little differently. For starters, in a sheep's body, its intestines. On the positive side, it's biodegradable. On the negative "this condom does not protect against HIV infection and other sexually transmitted infections." 

These are the effective ones.

Doctor Doe puppet show!

Even more so when there's less this, this, this. And more talking. 

Next, they are cleaned, powder dusted, and inspected for imperfections. Electronically. With volts of electricity, stretching machines, inflation, even microscopic scans that are looking for sterility.