The hidden moon is rising over Forks, Washington
And suddenly you shy away from my body's warmth
My muscles are hard as I can make 'em
But that's not enough for you
You want me to be cold and hard
Like a moving marble statue

The only thing that you think you need
Is the one thing that I can never be

You don't love me cause I'm not Edward Cullen
I can wear sparkly make-up and act all brave and sullen
But you can't help but realize these are golden contacts in my eyes
So you think you can't be the one and only girl for me

Only one man can protect me from harm
Plus a hundred years of investment made him richer than God
For a century he saved his virginity for me
But I know all about that girl you scored with in 2003

He's the only man that I can't resist
And you can't convince me he does not exist

I can't love you cause you're not Edward Cullen
You can wear sparkly make-up and act all brave and sullen
But I can't help but realize these are golden contacts in your eyes
So you can never be the one and only boy for me

It's so superficial that you love his fancy cars
But Edward Cullen also never ever has to fart
I hope some day his child will rip its way out of your womb
Give up now and we can still be friends
I'll never fall in love with you

The only thing that you think you need
(The only thing that I really need)
Is the one thing that I can never be
(Is the one thing that you can never be)

You don't love me cause I'm not Edward Cullen
(I can't love you cause you're not Edward Cullen)
I can wear sparkly makeup and act all brave and sullen
(You can wear sparkly makeup and act all brave and sullen)
But you can't help but realize these are golden contacts in my eyes
(But I can't help but realize these are golden contacts in your eyes)
So you think you can't be the one and only girl for me
(So you can never be the one and only boy for me)

(Hank laughing)