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Last sync:2024-03-26 07:00
In which Hank and John move on to overtime...and then penalty kicks...and hilarity ensues.

 Introduction (0:00)

Hank: Hello and welcome to Hank and John play FIFA. Uh, turns out, there's overtime.
(John laughs obnoxiously)
Hank: Uh, so, we are continuing the game that we played last time in overtime.
John: Uh, it's a 1-1 tie, Liverpool vs Arsenal. I brought on a couple players, Hank brought on a couple subs. Maxi Rodriguez is gonna play for me, uh, our mom and dad are now watching, along with Katherine, so the...
Hank: Katherine is also here.

 First Half (0:27)

Hank: Mom is not watching, she's on Facebook.
(muffled voice: How do you know I was on Facebook (?))
Hank: Cuz you're talking about how what your Facebook friend...your friend on Facebook's status was.
John (simultaneously): Cuz he's just made a joke about Facebook. God. How weird is it that that's something that adults do now.
Hank: Uh oh, uh oh, uh oh, wow. Well done sir. That was bad. That was a pass.
John: Oh! I hit the wrong button! Buttons.
Hank: I know. They're so annoying. I hate buttons.
John: Yeah, that's pretty much...
Hank: WOW! That was...that...I thought there would be a little more power behind that one. Gotta be honest. Wow. Wow. Well done sir.
John: Wow. I shoulda done a little bit better with that.
Hank: And then that happened.
John: Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Alright, I'm...
Hank: So, let's start concentrating more, because embarrassing.
John: Oh, that was not a good pass.
Hank: Get it up there. That was perfect! Exactly what you wanted to do. Oh, dude. Yes. Oh, you were going so slow! Why were you going so slow?
John: Cuz you haven't let go of the, uh...
Hank: I wasn't actually holding the trigger button. That's why he was going so slow. Woooowwww.
John: This is sloppy stuff, right here.
Hank: It is. We've had, like, three turnovers in the last 14 seconds. Okay. Okay. Wow, I have the goalie on...
Hank: I love my goalie. I love my goalie.
John: Oh my God. That's not realistic. Steven Gerrard scores 10 times out of 10 in that situation. Sorry.
Hank: Yes...when he's not being controlled by some schmuck with...
(John laughs)

 Half Time (2:05)

John: How do you miss??
(Announcer: it will be penalties)
John: I hope it's not penalties.
Hank: Do we have another half of this?
John: We have another half of this. I mean, that's just...this one is the unreasonable one. Alright. Let's keep playing.
Hank: Alright. Alright. That was fast.
John: This is tense. This is tense stuff.

 Second Half (2:22)

Hank: Okay. Let's go. Let's play this soccer game. Well done, everybody.
John: Unnecessary slide tackle. That doesn't bode well.
Hank: What happened? That was weird. Did I...did I bend it like Beckham?
John: It's possible.
Hank: It was an accident...
John: Accidental, accidental Beckham bend.
Hank: Uh oh, uh oh, ah...touch you on the back. Okay, this is bad.
John (laughing): Not my best work.
Hank: I was really worried that I was about to shoot on myself.
John: Yeah, that would be the appropriate way for this game to end. It's really the only fair ending.
(Hank laughs)
Hank: Oh, well done keeping a hold of that. Until then.
(John groans)
Hank: Oh, yeah. Everybody's behind me. Let's move this up. Let's move it on up. That was...
John: This is gonna go to penalties. And it's gonna be hilarious, because...
Hank: We have never done that.
John: We are not qualified...oh no, oh...YES!
Hank: What happened? Oh, and I passed it right to you. I just spat on myself, I was so angry. Oh no!
John: That's got to be a foul.
Hank: Nope. It was a great tackle. The dude said so.
John: Alright, here we go. This is it. This is it.
Hank: Oh, come on. Oh, yes!
John and Hank: Oh, hand ball!
John: Beautiful hand ball, though.
Hank: What are you talking about, that was totally a hand ball.
John: Little bit, little bit late. I was a little bit late on that one.
Hank: Oh God...

 End Over Time (4:04)

John: It's penalties.
Hank: Oh man...
John: It's penalties. You know, it's always...
Hank: We had some good chances there.
John: It's always a shame when it goes to penalties, but, uh I intend to win.
(Hank laughs)

 Penalties (4:30)

John: I just, I have to remember to hit B. That's the number one rule of penalties. DO NOT HIT A.
Hank: I've never attempted to control my goalie. So I don't know what's going to happen.
John: Me neither. I mean, I think it's gonna be, I think potentially this is going to go to, like, 10-10.
Hank: Oh, that's really close. What color am I? I'm the guy in goal.
John: You're the guy in goal, so you can move left and right. Keep moving. I'm gonna pick which way I go based on which way you're going.
(All around laughter as John misses.)
John: So, that's pretty much how it's gone so far.
Hank: I'm gonna kick it straight up in the air. Is that okay?
John: Oh, we're not even talking, we're just laughing.
(More laughing as Hank shoots straight into John's keeper's arms.)
Hank: I thought...mostly I just wanted to figure out how to do it.
John: You're talking a big game.
Hank: Oh no, not even gonna have to do anything for that...
John: Come on, Dirk Kuyt, you're my favorite player! I've got a funny story about Dirk Kuyt and penalties, actually. The reason Dirk Kuyt is my favorite player.
(Laughter: Hank shoots straight again)
Hank: What?? How do I control this? I thought that was the...okay. Never mind.
John: Wait, what thing?
Hank: Nothing. Nothing you need to know about.
John: OHHHHHHHH. There's a THING!
(Katherine: Nothing!)
John: There's a thing...I did horribly.
(More laughing)
John: They're booing us. Our fans are booing us. Does Pepe Reina have a thing?
Hank: What? Is B the right button?
John: That wasn't particularly good.
Hank: Oh! It looked like I hit you in the face.
John: Yeah, but you didn't score. Importantly.
Hank: I don't know how to control the direction.
(John misses - his player is on the ground)
John: Oh, the humiliation. This is...this is beautiful!
Hank: We're gonna be doing this forever!
John: This is just, this is just fantastic. I mean, I'll tell you where I'm going.
Hank: Okay.
John: Straight. I'm sticking right in the middle.
(Laughter sounds more like cackling now - notably John and Katherine. Some Hank.)
Hank: Weee!
John: Alright, Torres. Torres? Torres, left Liverpool for Chelsea; redeem yourself right here. Not good.
Hank: How do you even control the direction?
John: I'm certainly not going to tell you. Are they... do eventually, do they just agree that it's a draw?
Hank: OH MY GOD.
(Mike: It's a field goal!)
John: My controller started to shake. Is that normal?
Hank: Mine too. I don't know what that's all about.
John: I think my controller is mad at me. It's like...I am disappointed in you.
Hank: How 'bout you score??
John: Alright.
Hank: Okay. I haven't actually even been able to control the goalie, either.
(Announcer: And the goalkeeper's a hero again!)
Hank: It seems as if...
John: Well, that was a least that was a save.
Hank: Yeah.
John: It's still happening, though. I mean, this is still...this is a thing that is still occurring, is my review.
Hank: Oh, mine's vibrating again.
John: Yeah, mine is too. I mean, maybe it's like, oh, now it's going to be REALLY hard.
(Announcer: And the keeper's a hero here!)
Hank: Oh, everybody's so excited. They're like "Good job catching the lob!"
John: I mean, Hank, I can't believe you haven't figured out a strategy for not shooting it down the middle.
Hank: Well, you haven't told me!
(Various chuckling)
Hank: That was bad. Maybe that meant that it was like, that was sudden death.
John (simultaneously): Only, only, no, that was something. You get it. You had it. This is sudden death. You have to make this.
Hank: How do I change the direction?
John: You use the direction-ey thing.
Hank: I've been trying that!
John: Well, that's how I, that's how that happened.
Hank: Okay.
John: Mom, it's okay. Just a lot of pressure right now.
Hank: What? WHAT?
John: Liverpool win a huge hist...
(Announcer: Thatwas a cruel end)
John: It was a cruel end. After a mere nine missed penalties.
Hank: I don't understand.
John: We will endeavor to improve. And we will see you next time.
Hank: Goodbye.
John: Goodbye.

 Penalty results

Liv: xxxxxo (Rodriguez)
Arsenal: xxxxxx