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In which John continues Swindon Town's triumphant march to the Premier League while telling the story of his first date with his now wife, the Yeti.
Hello, and welcome to Hank Games, sans Hank. It's all the fun of Hank Games, without any of the Hank. Also, I'm not as good as Hank is at either video games or commentary. Today, we are of course the Swindon Town Swoodilypoopers! Or Skoodilypoopers, I haven't decided yet.

But one of those two, Swoodilypoopers or Skoodilypoopers. We are decked out in our usual Swindon Town red on our inexorable march to the Premier League, and today I am going to tell you about how I met and courted... That was some great work by mustachioed John Green, I just wanted you guys to get a look at that moustache. I'm going to tell you how I met and courted my lovely wife the Yeti. So... but first, let me bring you up to date on the life of Swindon Town here.

We had some injuries... oh God. Oh God. Oh God. PANIC! Great goalkeeping. So we had some injuries, but John Green and John Green are still up front for us, Bald John Green and Other John Green. Look at that; look at that play between John Green and John Green.

They're still doing great together. And we have had... we've had some hard times, Swindon Town; we've lost a couple of games. But we're still near the top of League One, and hoping for promotion into the Championship. So, I... Sarah and I attended the same high school, but we did not know each other in high school; we were not high school sweethearts by any stretch of the imagination. Years later, we were living in Chicago; we were both adults in the technical sense of the term.

Sarah was working at an art gallery - a contemporary art gallery - and I was working at a book review journal called Booklist - I was a production editor there at the time. And I was dating a girl. And the girl I was dating, her name was Jordana; she was very nice Italian girl, but she was planning on moving back to Italy, so there was something of an expiration date to our relationship.

We knew that she was moving to Italy, and that therefore probably wasn't going to work out long-term. That's really important, because otherwise, this story makes me look like a jerk and we don't want that. So anyway, Jordana, in addition to being Italian, was a boxer; she liked to box. And she was part of a boxing gym, where they would box. And because she was short, she was paired with the other short girl, who happened to be Sarah.

And one day, Sarah and Jordana were talking after boxing class, and Jordana was talking about how she had just gone to this crazy Southern wedding, and Sarah said, "I am from the South", and then Jordana said, "Well, my boyfriend's from Birmingham, Alabama", and then Sarah said, "I'm from Birmingham, Alabama!" And it turned out that we'd gone to high school together.

So, then Jordana moved to Italy, and we broke up. I want to make it very clear that she'd moved to Italy already, and it was not even until after Jordana moved to Italy that I met, like properly met, Sarah. We went out to brunch somewhere to discuss - I don't know - being from Alabama.

And I was like completely taken with her; she was, like, so smart and so sophisticated, and she had this great website where she had all this cool graphic design work, and some of her paintings, and she is an artist. And I was just - I just - she was gorgeous, she was, like, clearly the smartest person I'd ever...

What are you doing! Bald John Green, you're better than that! You know, she really is like a huge... just, so intelligent. Blisteringly intelligent. And that was a big part of the charm for me. She was, you know, was completely not taken with me. I think that she thought I was kind of smart, but - oh God. That's - that could be a penalty. Somehow, somehow, we avoided the penalty there. Thank you, referee, for the generous call; I appreciate it. Let's get this ball up to- what are you doing? Clearly I wanted to pass to Bald John Green!

With the moustache, over there in the corner! Oh, it's a frustrating game so far for the Swindon Town Swoodilypoopers! We just haven't - we haven't been able to put anything together. So, Sarah did not want to date me, to be completely frank with you. I think there were a number of reasons for this, but the biggest reason was that I was, you know, like a pretty awkward guy, and I was super-uncomfortable at the time - like, you know, Jordie and I had broken up not too long before, and I think that was part of it. But anyway, she just wasn't super-interested in me.

But, I developed a plan, and I will tell you about that plan in the second half. And the plan only sort of worked, but I'm still quite enamored of it as a plan. So I should tell you that, like around the time that Sarah and I started dating was when I sold Looking for Alaska, which factors into the story a little bit.

So I had just found out that I was going to become a real novelist, like that my book was going to be published by a real publisher and stuff, and I was really excited about that, and I think that in some ways that gave me the confidence to, you know, to really kind of be a little more charming. One of the deeply problematic things about confidence is that until you have it, it's hard to be charming, and it's really hard to be confident when no one likes you.

But anyway, is that the end of the first half? So it's nil-nil going into the second half, and I mean, I think the Swindon Town Swoodilypoopers are right to hang their heads low, including mustachioed John Green shaking his head there in the back, and of course, Colchester is perfectly happy with the nil-nil tie, because we have just - that could have easily been - there are few times - we could be behind in this game!

Against Colchester! For all I know, Colchester's a great team, but... Alright, so, I developed a plan. At the time, Sarah and I were both huge fans of the movie "Rushmore", it's one of our favorite movies, and Bill Murray has a memorable role in that film. And because we had both become big, big Bill Murray fans, I wanted to see this movie called "Lost in Translation", which was a Sofia Coppola movie that was just coming out at the time.

So, I sent an email to seven of my friends, including Sarah, and I said, "Does anyone want to go see Lost in Translation tonight?". And then I sent an email immediately afterwards to the six of my friends that weren't Sarah, and I said, "Not you". And so Sarah emailed me, and she was like, "I'd love to go see Lost in Translation!".

And then she was like, "I love your friends, they're so fun to hang out with"... Could John Green do it? He's a finisher! [SWI - #11 J. Green 54'] John Green, Other John Green, hero of the day! Yes! Oh, Other John Green, that was gorgeous. That was as suave and smooth as the way I asked out my wife for the first time.

So, uh, so proud of Other John Green. Sometimes Bald John Green overshadows him with his big sexy mustache, but Other John Green, he's a hero in his own right. So yeah, so Sarah was like, "I love your friends, I'd love to come hang out with them and go see Lost in Translation", and then I emailed her back, and I was like, "Oh, bummer. None of my friends can come, you wanna get dinner beforehand?".

And so we went out to dinner, and then we went and saw Lost in Translation, which we both really liked. I mean, it was the perfect, it was kinda the perfect movie at the perfect time in our lives, for us, I think.

We were both...I mean, obviously, neither of us has anything in common with Scarlett Johansson as a person, but we were both sort of in a Scarlett Johansson phase of life. Albeit, not without the bad... Oh! Ugh, how did you not finish there, John Green? Albeit, without the miserable marriage.

But anyway, so, and then I think, I think we kissed that night for the first time. But it didn't really take, you know? It was like a - it didn't really take, to be honest with you. So, like a month later, we were still not dating, and it didn't really look like it was gonna go anywhere. I mean, I think we really-I think we both really liked each other, but it's almost intimidating when you've never liked someone that much. Not even romantically, but just liked them.

I valued Sarah, I enjoyed being Sarah's friend so much that it was a little scary to really think about dating her. I couldn't imagine not being able to hang out with her any more if we had, you know, broke up after two weeks, or whatever. So, I was kinda thinking that it wasn't gonna happen, and we were just gonna be friends. And we were emailing back and forth lots and lots, and that was really fun, because, you know, she's just a great writer. I didn't want to lose that- I can see Bald John Green getting set up...Bald John Green, finisher!

He is a finisher! [SWI - #9 J. Green 72'] Show me the mustache, show me the mustache. Go, run to him, run to him, he wants you to run to him, and he's doing the slide. Please turn around and show me your mustache. Please show me your mustache. Ohh, you didn't show it to me.

That's the only disappointing thing about that goal, was that that I didn't get to see enough of his beautiful mustache... But then eventually, I was like, you know what? I'm gonna pursue this. And so, I asked Sarah if she had a digital camera. These were in the days, by the way, when like, most people did not have digital cameras. Like, it was something that, like, artists and graphic designers had that regular people didn't.

So, I asked Sarah if she had a digital camera, and she said that she did, and I asked her if I could come over so that she could take my picture. Penguin needed a picture of me, for like a presentation that they were making about Looking for Alaska and- I've never scored on one of these, so I'm sure I won't score here. I think I might have been crossing it, actually.

I might have hit the wrong button there. Let's see if we can slide tackle that, we can't. Definitely hit the wrong button, but it worked out okay. And...forward...and...and goal? No, no. Premature. Premature goal announcement. So, I went over there and she took my picture. We still have the picture, I was wearing, like, a Carhartt hoodie. Et cetera. And you can picture it, I was like, 23 or 24., I guess I was a little older? I don't know. I'm not good at keeping track of time. So, she took the picture, and then we went upstairs. She was like, "Do you want to get a cup of coffee?" and I was like, "Yeah, yeah, I'll get a cup of coffee".

And we went back to her apartment, and we were having a conversation- Oh no. OH NO. Oh no, I'm gonna give up a goal. No I'm not, because of my heroic goalkeeper, Fat Lucas. I love you, Fat Lucas. So, I had kinda thought that she might still be dating someone, or, like, I was trying not to be involved in her relationship status at all. So, we were just talking, and she said something about how she was really, you know, that it was fun to be single.

That it was, you know, fun to be single in Chicago, and not have to worry about boys all the time, and be able to, you know, go out with her, with her best friends and stuff. And I said, "Oh, you're single?" and she said, "Yeah", and I said, "Does that mean I can pursue you now?". And she said yes, and then I walked across the room and kissed her.

And then we were together, forever thereafter. And now it's been, like, ten years since then, or something. So that is the story of how I met Sarah. Congratulations to John Green and John Green. Both Bald John Green and Other John Green got great goals, here, for the Swindon Town Swoodilypoopers. Very proud of the team and their performance against Colchester after a disappointing first half. And we are again well on our way toward, hopefully, the top of League One. Thank you for joining me, here.

You will not see me and I will not see you and I am not good at this outro, but there will be another episode of FIFA Whatever soon. Tell me what to talk about in comments. I will pick the thing that you guys like the most. DFTBA and as always, my friends, best wishes. [vs. Colchester: W 2-0 SWI - "Other" John Green 54', "Bald" John Green 72']