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In which England kicks England's buttocks.

 Introduction (0:00)

Hank: Hello and welcome to Hank and John play FIFA. We are playing England vs England.

 First Half (0:05)

John: My England is in white, Hank's England is in red, and this will be a true match up...
Hank: Oh my goodness...and a bad start for red England! Ooh!
Hank: Is that you again?
John: Yes, that's me.
Hank: Oh gosh...
John: Um, yes, England vs England. A true test of skills.
Hank: Because we're the exact same team.
John: It's impressive, too, by the, for the players, to be playing both sides at once.
Hank: Yes, to be...
John: To be on both offense and defense.
Hank: To be occasionally slide-tackling themselves.
John: Yes, it's beautiful. It really is. It's quite beautiful.
Hank: Oh man. I am playing badly. Oh, that's gotta be a goal!
Hank: Wow. Missed a...Mistah Peepah
John: (chuckling) Mister Peeper?
Hank: What's his name? I don't know. Teach me the words, John.
John: HOW DID IT NOT GO IN?? What am I doing wrong? Oh man, this is brutal.
Hank: Apparently his name is Hart.
John: We're six minutes and four seconds in and already, my England has missed multiple chances.
Hank: But your England is doing very well. Much better than your Holland was doing last time. Oh that's gotta be a goal.
John: COME ON! Oh man.
Hank: Mr. Hart is getting a lot of experience this game. Oh, interesting choice.
John: I did it by accident, thank you for noticing. And I'm offsides.
Hank: What? How could you be offsides?
John: Oh, that little guy, he came, he was late, whatever.
Hank: Oh, back there.
John: I just, I shouldn't have passed, I should have, whatever. Stupid.
Hank: Whatever, stupid game. Man, man...
John: I mean, are you...
Hank: I am playing horribly. What the frick? Oh, there it is!
John: FINALLY! Wayne Rooney. I love Wayne Rooney. I don't know if I've mentioned it.
Hank: Oh man. I have gotta get my act together. What's going on?
John: I don't know.
Hank: Are you using A?
John: No, I promise. I'm not using A.'s like all of a sudden I can see the pitch differently. Ah, it's a beautiful thing. I hope I win by 12.
(Unidentified voice in room: England V England?)
John: Yeah, it's England V England. Um...
Hank: Oh man!
John: I didn't hit A, I promise!
Hank: Oh come on! The passing, the passing!
(Announcer: Wayne Rooney.)
Hank: Wayne Rooney.
John: Oh, that was Wayne Rooney not at his best.
Hank: To Wayne Rooney. Wayne Rooney intercepting.
John: Tackled by Wayne Rooney. Agh.
Hank: That's bad. That's bad.
John: That's an unfortunate thing when you think about it. I mean I make a lot of fun of Wayne Rooney because he's a big fat bald person...
Hank: I didn't know that about him.
John: But, um, he's like the most successful...
Hank: I can' keeps changing guys on me!
John: He is by far the most successful bald fat professional football player.
Hank: Which is saying something...?
John: Well no, not really, because he's also the only one. But it's sort of a miracle that he's as good as he is, because he's just a chubby person. But then again so was the great Ronaldo. They used to sing, about Ronaldo they used to sing, "He's big, he's round, he's worth a million pounds, Ronaldo..."
Hank: Oh my god...I'm so bad!
John: Oh, if I'd gotten that pass through instead of singing, I'd be up 2-nil. Um, do you want me to sing you some other football songs?
Hank: Yeah, sing me other football songs!
John: Can I sing you the one we sing about Stevie Gerrard?
Hank: Stevie Gerrard.
John: The, uh, captain of Liverpool.
Hank: Was long and hard. He ate the captain's...
John: No. It's better than that.
"Steve Gerrard, Gerrard.
He's big and he's fucking hard.
He'll pass the ball 40 yards,
Steve Gerrard, Gerrard."
Hank: I don't like it when you say bad words, because it takes forever to bleep them. I have to find them.
John: (louder) "Steve Gerrard, Gerrard." You want me to go on?
Hank: Whatever will be...Oh man.
John: Oh. Wayne Rooney just got knocked off a ball there. Come on.
Hank: What, I gotta get the ball, the people who can take the ball. You know? I'm not gonna charge headfirst into you do, and always succeed.
John: Oh, I almost made it. One step away. Um, well there aren't a lot of English soccer songs, Hank, that don't have cursing. So I apologize, but I'm not able to sing, you know, clean. Um...
Hank: Oh, come on.
(Announcer: Wayne Rooney.)
Hank: You gotta play soccer, guys.
John: I like...
John: I like that advice. I like that...that's what they're missing.
Hank: Yes, it's totally...
John: Oh, come on! Obviously I wanted to pass to the guy who was running in on goal. Yes, it's true, Hank, they're not playing soccer. That's the big problem. Failure to play soccer.
Hank: Ugh. They haven't...we haven't had a single handball. I wonder if that actually happens.
John: It doesn't happen very much in actual soccer.
Hank: Oh man. You're gonna score again. It's gonna be embarrassing. Oh, I carried it right out of bounds.
John: Oh, man. I really wanted to score there.
Hank: Yeah, I know. I really want to have a shot on goal.
John: Well, I bet that feels bad for you.
(Announcer: Not a good corner.)
John: Oh really? Cuz it almost led to a goal!
Hank: Why did he say it was not a good corner, I don't understand.
John: I don't know. Well, cuz it really wasn't.
(Unidentified voice mumbles)
John: Right, well it's not supposed to land in front...pretty much, the ball isn't supposed to land. It's supposed to hit somebody's head and go in the goal.
Hank: I don't understand. Seems like if you get the ball in there, it's good news. Oh, that was my chance!
John: Ah, that was my chance.
Hank: Get, get...oh, you gotta keep running, dude.
John: Well, he passed.
Hank: Well, he passed because he wasn't running. Because I didn't have a choice. I do not like how they change guys without me knowing!
John: Ohhh, I was trying to be too fancy.
Hank: That was pretty fancy.
John: I just did an unnecessary slide tackle because I was angry with myself.
Hank: No, wonder I'm losing.
John: WAYNE ROONEY! Ugh. Wayne Rooney.
Hank: Wow, I'm surprised that's not a penalty shot, because I really took him out. I was you don't, sir.
John: Yeah, how is that not a penalty? Oh my goodness! That's a red card, easily.
Hank: Woah, you just tripped me!
John: Yeah, well, I'm mad! Apparently, by the way, the referee isn't calling fouls in this game. It's just not his thing. I mean, I've never seen you...oh no.
Hank: Oh yes!
John: Please not his first shot on goal is a goal.
Hank: Why are you so slow why are you so slow why are you so slow? Oh my god! He was like 12x slower than your guys, it's the same team!
John: You can't, you can't...I was gonna say, you can't blame your personnel. Because it's identical to mine.
Hank: You're in, you're onside. You are onside. You're also really slow! What's going on?
John: Oh, here we go.
Hank: Why is my center so slow?
John: My center.
Hank: What is he called?
John: Well, yeah. Just take him out.
Hank: No I'm not going to take him out! That's complicated.
(John laughs)
Hank: Geez! Don't you understand?
John: Alright. Come on. Get it to Wayne Rooney. Oh, that was not smart.
Hank: Ah, ehh...not smart. Not smart. Not smart...ugh! Come on! It's like, they don't play as a team unless I'm controlling. It's really annoying!
John: I think you're...I think your complaints are really...that was just...that was flagrantly just an attempt to get a shot. You had no intention of scoring there.
Hank: You said I should take more shots from the outside!
John: I believe that.

 Half Time (7:41)

John: Oh come on, why does the half end then, with me in a breakaway?
Hank: Ohh...yeah, I mean, that should have been a goal.
John: Should have been a goal. Let's see some other things that should have been goals. This should have been a goal.
Hank: That was a goal.
John: That was a goal.
Hank: That was a good ball.
John: That was my big moment. That was your big moment on offense.
Hank: I got, I did get one...oh, you've had 9 shots, I've had...
John: Just the one.
Hank: Just the one.
John: Just the one. Zero on goal. Just the one. Uh, should we stop the game?
Hank: Oh, no, we can keep going.

 Second Half (8:15)

John: It's okay that it's going to be, like 25 minutes long?
Hank: I guess.
John: Okay. I love it. Thank you for spending all your time with HankGames.
Hank: I'll be honest, I thought I was you, just now.
John: So did I, look, my guy's off the screen. He wasn't even playing on the field.
Hank: AHHHH Save that!
John: Okay, I'll save it. Um...
Hank: I've got that...that Steve Gerrard song stuck in my head now.
John: Isn't it a great song?
Hank: But I can't sing it, because...
John: They've got some other great songs. There's one about Jamie Carragher's dad that's one of my favorites. Jamie Carragher's dad has a drinking problem and he's been banned from every football ground in England.
Hank: Why were you out of bounds? Why were you standing out of bounds? Soccer players don't...
John: Oh no. It happened. The thing happened.
Hank: I thought we'd fixed it.
John: Because it's similar in tune to the Ronaldo song. It goes: "He's Scouse, he's sound, he's bound from every ground. Carra's dad, Carra's dad."
Hank: The problem with these songs is that you're singing them.
John: I know! Well, you know, I can't help it. Anyway, it's adding to the enjoyment factor, not only do you have to watch a 30 minute video to see who wins this HankGames FIFA challenge, you also have to listen to me sing.
Hank: Oh man! I mean, I don't understand, I did really well last game. And now I'm just really sucking it up.
John: Yeah, you are really sucking it up. I don't know what it is either. I can't account for it. Although, again, you are just one goal away from a complete tie that will lead to a penalty kick shootout, which you will win. So, so take comfort in knowing that you are very very close to winning this game. Uh, oh no.
John: That's a great pass. That's a great ball.
Hank: Not a great ball!
John: I don't know what your problem is with that.
Hank: I had all sorts of much better...
John: That could hardly have gone better.
Hank: Oh, that was good. You're right.
John: That was a brilliant play.
Hank: You're right. But I had a better line open. I thought I had a better line open.
John: I'm dubious. Alright.
Hank: Oh, well that was way too short. Way too short. Oh man, oh man. You're just letting them take it right out of the box, come on.
(John groans.)
Hank: Oh, that wasn't a penalty?
John: No. Haha, you got mad.
Hank: What about...what about this?
John: OH! THANK YOU! Oh, what a mistake!
Hank: One bad slide tackle away.
John: What a mistake! I believe that was Theo Walcott.
Hank: Oh, man, how do you do those breakaways?
John: The under-appreciation of Theo Walcott. I don't even think he's on the squad lately...he should be, though. Handsome lad, too.
Hank: Oh, man. I was trying to be fancy, too. Like, trying to, like, spend time. Well done, well done. Not well done. That was difficult. What? Okay...
John: Wow.
Hank: How about next
John: There you go. There you go. Here comes my guy.
(Announcer: He's gonna shoot!)
Hank: I guess I should have passed again.
John: Yeah, you gotta, gotta give him, in that situation you gotta give him time to, like, settle it in.
Hank: Well, they're professional soccer players!
John: Well, I'm just telling you. There are things that even professional soccer players can't do.
Hank: Well, they should be able to because they're professional soccer players.
John: I like that. This is, you seem to leave in a world where, like, the average soccer score of an actual game is, like, 17-9.
Hank: Well, I'm not playing an actual game, I'm playing a video game!
John: Well, but this is very realistic. Like, these scores are perfect.
Hank: Oh, well done, well done sir.
John: Off the post. Go! Score! Yes!
Hank: That has to be a goal. Oh man. 3-nil.
John: Wayne Rooney. Wayne, don't celebrate, it's embarrassing now, because we're beating ourselves. Okay? So there's no joy in that.
Hank: Oh, you gotta control that, man. Just bounced right off his foot onto Wayne Rooney's foot.
John: This reminds me of the game that we played with Barcelona vs Real Madrid, where it was just, you know, wasn't close.
Hank: It's just all you. It's, oh, you gotta cut that.
John: Oh, unnecessary slide tackle.
Hank: Oh, come on.
John: See, I think you gotta settle it, there.
Hank: Well I wasn't, I never got control of it.
John: I know, but you were smashing B like a madman.
Hank: I was, I was. You're right. I may have actually been mashing X, which is even worse. I really needed to get the cross in once I got in front of the goal.
John: Oh no! I thought that was gonna work. I would like this to be, I would like...
Hank: This to be a 4-0 game.
John: At least 4-nil.
Hank: Okay. Oh...yeah, that's what I thought.
John: I disagree. Am I gonna get a yellow card for that? Really?
Hank: That's what I thought.
John: No, no.
Hank: Well, you were just trying to hurt my player.
John: Theo Walcott. He's hurt. He'll get over it.
Hank: Oh, that was the wrong button. Way wrong button. That's not what I meant. Oh! That's a penalty kick.
John: Unnecessary!
Hank: And I make, like, one out of every 12 of these. So we're in good shape here.
John: That's intense. I don't agree with that yellow card for John Terry. But you know what, John Terry, don't make too big a deal out of it...
Hank: John Terry really, he could have seriously hurt John Terry. I don't know who that was...
John: It was Wayne Rooney.
Hank: Oh. Alright, how does this work? Yeah, that's a goal.
John: Oh, Frank Lampard.
Hank: I scored in the easiest way possible.
John: And its, you have 14, you have 12 minutes to, uh, to score two more and get to a penalty shootout where you will definitely win. With all your penalty shootout skills.
Hank: I can't believe that that, ugh. I've been playing a horrible game of soccer.
John: Yeah, well, I, uh, that wasn't my best moment, fouling you in the box with John Terry.
Hank: Well, I mean, that's frankly quite interesting. I have no problem...
John: Okay, I see how you think that makes for good viewing, I bet. Oh no, come on!
Hank: Wow. Bad soccer.
John: That's like the first game we played. That's returning to our lowest possible level of skill.
Hank: Oh, I thought that was my player there. I was wrong.
John: Well, it kind of was your player. Again...
Hank: They're all kind of my player.
John: They're all kind of yours. Good job, John Terry.
Hank: Wow, you really hurt him.
John: John Terry, by the way, slept with the wife of one of his, or the girlfriend of one of his co-teammates there on England.
Hank: I don't know how that wasn't a penalty, okay, just making sure.
John: Alright, should I shoot from here? Probably not.
Hank: No, definitely not. You gotta cross it like a corner. Where's my player?
John: Why did you stop running at the ball?
Hank: I don't know, sometimes they do that, it's pretty annoying. Wow, I have got quite a tail.
John: Wow, how was that a penalty?
Hank: What do you mean, how was that a penalty? You were behind me and you kicked my legs out from under me.
John: Well, I was doing a little...alright, alright.
(Announcer: Gerrard.)
Hank: Yeah, you read that wrong.
John: He's the greatest player in the world. I can't even root against Steven Gerrard when he is my opponent. Even though he is also my teammate.
Hank: You, ah, that was the weakest pass. I guess I control how hard I pass...
John: I was gonna say...I would not, again, don't blame the players.
Hank: Wow. What the frick just happened?
John: Unnecessary penalty kick. I mean unnecessary slide tackle. Bit unnecessary.
Hank: Bit unnecessary.
John: See, but...
Hank: That was great.
John: It's all about how you time it.
Hank: Thank you, for that.
John: Oh, I thought I had a guy up there.
Hank: Oh man, I am not gonna make it.
John: Doesn't look good. Um, we're in the 89th minute and we're down by two. And you never score. So, I would say...
Hank: Come on!
John: Yeah, finally a game that ends.
Hank: Yeah, seriously. You gotta go, buddy, you just gotta go. You gotta not care about any of the other players. You gotta score right now. It's your only choice. Go take some risks. This is not turning out well.
John: I was gonna say, risks taken. Oh, unnecessary slide tackle. That was a desperate...oh no.
Hank: Ah, my hand is hand is off the thing...
John: Slide tackle.
(Announcer: Good tackle by Steven Gerrard.)
Hank: Everybody slide tackle! Everybody slide tackle.
John: Oh it's a goal!
Hank: 4-1! Oh man.
John: Wayne Rooney gets his hat trick. Wayne Rooney gets his hat trick. You gotta...I'm proud of him. I'm...
Hank: I'm gonna play a much better game next game. I promise.
John: He's one of my least favorite players, but I'm proud of him for his performance today.
Hank: Did you see how my guy just stood there and looked at him? Like, oh, I'll watch that happen.
John: Yeah. That's gonna be, this is gonna be beautiful. That's what he was thinking.
Hank: Oh, can we have it end now please?
John: Probably it'll end very very shortly. Cuz it's...
Hank: Kick the...oh, it's me?
John: It's you. It's you. You have the ball. That's how it works.
Hank: Makes sense. That they would give me the ball after such a terrible display. Not sure what happened. Ooh, I should have kept running straight, apparently. Oh, come on! You're gonna do the wussy soccer thing when you're boring?

 Full Time (18:03)

John: Where I kill time? That's exactly what I did. And I'm the proud winner.
Hank: Thank you for watching this episode of John and Hank play FIFA 11. It was embarrassing.
John: This episode of John and Hank, or...
Hank: This episode of John kicks Hank's ass at FIFA 11?
John: Yeah. Yeah. And, uh, we promise that next time will be shorter.
Hank: Okay.
John: We'll see you...well, you won't see us.
Hank: But you will hear us.
John: Best wishes!
Hank: Good bye.

 Final Score

Red England: Lampard (78' PEN)
White England: Rooney (10'), Walcott (61'), Rooney (69'), Rooney (90')