I believe in my abilities to complete this song in one take.

It is now take seventeen, but I will do it! I will! Starting now.

Take eighteen!

Nineteen.

Take twenty!

Take twenty-one! (sigh)

Take twenty-two. Here we go.

Take twenty-three!

[Song: Crime Dramas Suck by Hank Green] (0:21)

There's a place where you don't wanna be
Where people die constantly
And they never die in normal ways,
It's preposterous but still cliché (0:35)

When your drug dealer's aunt kills your mom in a duel by
Chopping off her head with a scythe in the pool.
Well, they're not saying it makes sense,
They're just interpreting the evidence! (0:44)

This is the plot to every television crime show from CSI to Columbo
And I think you know what's in store
That guy we met in the first fifteen minutes will come back 'cause you know he did it
I don't think they're trying anymore
And I'm getting bored (1:02)

Well, there's semen all over the crime scene
So they used this super-fancy semen testing machine
And the DNA database gets a hit,
But it looks like he might still get away with it (1:13)

But the final piece of evidence totally stumps the bad guy's defense
And he breaks down in front of everyone and tells them exactly how it was done (1:22)

This is the plot to every television crime show from CSI to Columbo
And I think you know what's in store
That guy we met in the first fifteen minutes will come back 'cause you know he did it
They're not even trying anymore
And I'm getting bored (1:41)

And by the middle of the first season
Murder is eclipsed by sexual tension
And I guess that probably happens a lot
Since crime-solving people are always so hot (1:51)

But then a serial killer kidnaps the girl
And they promise to save her if it costs them the world
And they find her two seconds before she dies
And they hug and they laugh and they screw and they cry (2:01)

This is the plot to every television crime show from CSI to Columbo
And I think you know what's in store
That guy we met in the first fifteen minutes will come back 'cause you know he did it
They're not even trying anymore
And I'm getting bored (2:22)

[Song finishes]

So bored! (2:27)

I could be like David Caruso now and be, like, "That was a one-taker. Take one-er. One... one-ifier."

It doesn't matter what he says as long as he takes off his glasses first, it's like, "Oooh, David Caruso took off his glasses and said something dumb!"

You know what's better than television crime shows? John Green's books -- actually, all books. Little anti-smoking Korean baby keychains, low-fat home style canned chicken soup, fake hands, video games, aaaand, also YouTube. YouTube is a pretty big- pretty big pwner. Pretty big pwner. That's like what this guitar is, right now. It's my pwner. [*laughing*] I find that to be a very funny joke.

You know how Woodie Guthrie's guitar killed fascists? My guitar's a pwner. [*laughing*]

Can I use that joke? Is that OK? There's no way I could... not use that joke.

Remember, down there in the comments, if you leave John Green's favorite ten-word comment of the day, you will receive a free copy of the paperback of Paper Towns. And I know you want it!

Oh, and by the way, I recently had an idea. I'm thinking it would be really cool if people submitted clips of themselves doing this: [*shotgun noises*]. And that's all and we can use that to end the show. You don't even have to make the noise, because I'll put the noise in, but just like [*shotgun noises*]. And you can send those to our new address: (Burp) hankandjohn@gmail.com.

[Shotgun outro]