Lizzie: Do you ever get that blindsided feeling? You know when you go to a fancy dinner as prepared as can be and then get figuratively smacked by a semi truck. And it’s not that Catherine de Bourgh didn’t like me. Although to be fair I’m really not sure if she did like me. But let me jump straight ahead to the blindsided semi truck part of the evening. Any guesses? Anyone? 

My name is Lizzie Bennet and Catherine de Bourgh’s nephew is... William Darcy. What the f-

(Intro)

So clearly Darcy will not get out of my life. Is he connected to everyone I know? First Jane, and then George, and, and then now Charlotte! If Lydia ends up in any way involved with someone who traces back to Darcy, I swear I am going to steal a plane and crash land on a desert island. I can totally survive on coconut and crabs. Assuming there’s Wi-Fi. 

But enough of that. Back to dinner with de Bourgh. And though dinner was tasty the experience was-

[cut to Lizzie holding stuffed dog and wearing glasses]

Lizzie as Catherine De Bourgh: Liz. Can I call you Liz? I’m going to call you Liz. Collins over here has told me so much about you. ‘Course that was before you turned down a rather generous offer to come work for me. Though I admire your desire to finish your education, I understand your family is quite poor. I hope you’re not jealous of people with money, we do work so much harder than you. 

You know, ruffles on a woman’s clothing is considered a sign of infertility in some cultures, one of my charities would be an excellent home for that top. Life must be pretty good if you’re willing to turn down a real job with career growth potential. I prefer getting out there in the world and getting my hands dirty, but that wouldn’t concern someone like you, sitting at home with your little computer and your camera now, hmmmm? 

Lizzie: Next she went through every possible life skill to quiz me on whether or not I was capable of it. Cooking, painting, fencing, US history. At least I used to play tennis. And then she asked me if Jane and Lydia are better prepared for life than I am. What does that mean? I guess she just wants the best possible company for her new super star employee, right? And speaking of super star employee.

[leaves frame and returns with Charlotte]

Charlotte: What’s going on?

Lizzie: Okay, I’m trying to be more with the nice and less with the snark, but I’ve gotta ask. What is up with Catherine’s dog?

Charlotte: They kinda go hand in hand.

Lizzie: Well, that I get. But the dog itself, kinda creepy, right?

Charlotte: Um, a little strange.

Lizzie: And you have to admit it was unnerving how she kept telling it how perfect it was. Like-

Lizzie as Catherine De Bourgh: Oh Anniekins, you’re just the best most beautiful poochie in the whole world, yes you are. Mmm.

Lizzie: Gah. Like if dogs could have egos...

[makes explosion noise]

Lizzie: I guess that makes that hairless snaggletooth a perfect match for Darcy! The dog. Not Catherine. And speaking of Darcy, and weird, why didn’t you tell me they were related?

Charlotte: I was as blindsided by that as you were. 

Lizzie: And how ‘bout how she brought up Caroline every time she mention Darcy. 

Charlotte: Those two are thick as thieves. 

Lizzie: Yeah, but she kept comparing their personal and professional accomplishments. It’s like she has a chart. 

Charlotte: She’s definitely a member of team Caroline.

Lizzie: You know I've barely heard from Caroline since she left. And neither has Jane. I though we were friends, but I guess we’re not. She can never compare to you anyway. 

Collins from out of frame: Oh, Miss. Lu, the editors with Better Living of Collins and Collins would like to speak with you!

Charlotte: Be right back. Uh, play nice. 

Lizzie: I always do.

[Charlotte leaves frame, Mr. Collins enters frame.]

Mr. Collins: Hello again Miss. Bennet. I hope you found dinner last night as thoroughly delightful as I did. Oh, I’m sure you must have. Ms. De Bourgh is quite an impressive woman.

Lizzie: Impressive. Yes, she is.

Mr. Collins: Oh, do you need any help with any re-enactments for your video?

Lizzie: Oh, no, that’s okay. Thank you for asking, though. 

Mr. Collins: Of course, well I'll leave you to your work then. 

Lizzie: Uh, Ricky. Um, Mr. Collins. Thank you for inviting me to dinner with Ms. de Bourgh. I know how important she is to you and Charlotte, and I appreciate you including me in that.

Mr. Collins: Oh, my pleasure Miss Bennet. As I’ve said previously, as you are my business partner’s dearest and closest friend, you are forever welcome here. My work is my life, so you are both part of that now. Good day Miss Bennet.

Lizzie: Good day Mr. Collins.

[Mr. Collins leaves]

Lizzie. I guess that wasn’t so difficult. Being nice, right? Be nice. Ignore the rest.

[Charlotte walks into frame]

Charlotte: Hey, sorry about that. Had to put out some fires. Um, but I think I’m done for the rest of the day. What else d’you want to talk about?

Lizzie: Uh, no. You know what, let’s wrap this up, otherwise I’m just going to end up talking about Darcy and de Bourgh and contrary to popular belief, they do not consume my life.

Charlotte: Well, they do, kinda...

Lizzie: No. No more talking. Let’s go do something.

Charlotte: Oh, okay, what would you like to do?

Lizzie: I dunno. I don’t care. Anything, you chose!

Charlotte: There is this documentary playing at the theater down the street, it’s about women who abandoned their families to ride the rails in the Great Depression era. I know, that’s not really your thing. 

Lizzie. Well, according to some people I do need a greater knowledge of US history. Maybe afterwards we can go fencing.