Lindsey Doe: This episode of Sexplanations is sponsored by Coral, it's an app where you can invite your friends, partners, people, to have intimate conversations with you.  

(Voice over intro, clears throat)

Lindsey Doe:  I'm Lindsey Doe, host of the sex curious show Sexplanations for one more month! And this is my friend, and colleague Reid Mihalko who does Read About Sex .Com and a hundred other mirco-things under that umbrella.  

Reid Mihalko: I get around.

LD: You're a living encyclopedia of  sexuality, so now you do something where I open a book and I say "okay, tell me about squirting, and give me all the information", but like, you are the practicum.  

RM: [whispering] People don't use encyclopedias anymore.

LD: You're right. 

RM: It's a. . .It's a wiki?

LD: It's a. . . You are. . . Sex Wiki Live?

RM: Oh, I don't know. . . That doesn't. . .  I don't know it's a long hashtag.  

LD: (Laughs) You're a sexual savant in, in like, every topic I can think of, Reid has, application.  

RM: So, as a geek, as a clearly labeled Geek,

LD: Mhmm.

RM: And as somebody who actually has a lot of insecurities, like, I'm actually very insecure.  I'm just really secure - about how insecure I am.  And when I started, like, becoming sexually active, I wanted to really be good at sex, it was, like, so confusing.  You know, so like, the encyclopedia knowledge, or wiki, or whatever it is, is me trying to figure out, in sexual situations.  What do i need to understand, and then what skills do I need to learn, so that I can be good at sex?  And so I got good at trying to understand all of the different kinds of sex, and how they all fit together.  And I used to be a martial artist a long, long time ago, and teach martial arts.  So there was a kind of, like, "these are how bodies work", and "this is how you do a wrist throw" and "these are how you do nerve things to people to cause pain", and for me, when I became sexually active, I was like "ooh, what do you do to cause pleasure?".  "How does a wrist work" also applies to, like, knees, and legs, and hips, and all kinds of other things.

LD: Mouths.

RM: And Mouths! Exactly. And, like, Judo throws, and like, Ikedo things, and like, understanding how to move bodies through space became a lot of, like, that's how you listen to people's bodies, and tension, and movement, and then that became really useful to be like "oh, wait a minute. . . So, rather than hit you with my fist I want to  hit you with my mouth." And like, how do we dance that way? Now - I'm a horrible dancer and like, listening to people's bodies - like, have you ever kissed somebody who was a bad kisser?

LD: Yes.

RM: Did it - 

LD: He ate my face.

RM: Did it feel like they were listening to your body?

LD: No!

RM: So, one of the things in, like, learning how to be a good kisser, has to do with like, how do we listen to people's bodies.  And how do you also receive pleasure because that's a whole other thing.  Like you can be good at sex, but not good at receiving and understanding that when you receive well and you get into the moment, that's usually really hot for the person - or persons - who are playing with you.  Rather than just - 

LD: I, uh yeah, I, I'm seeing a lot of you in this. We had this conversation after dinner yesterday.  Where, part of our curiosity about being sex educators is if we're kind of teaching people how to fuck us better. So if - when you say, you're trying to help people be better receivers, maybe you - 

RM: Oh, that was something I had  to learn too.

LD: Oh.  Are you any better at receiving?

RM: Oh yeah, yeah, one of my lovers was like "You're kind of like fucking a ninja, like you make no sound.", and I was like "really?" and she was like "yeah, it would be really helpful if you let me know when things felt good." And that wsa a really big beginning for me, and this was when - this was before I became a sex geek, this was like when I was just starting to have sex with people, and then. like, all these years later, looking back "uuuuuuhhhh" lik "letting out souuuuuuuunnnnnd and mooooooaaaning", does a whole bunch of things to your vagus nerve, your ogenous tissue, there's a lot of feedback loops that happen.  You're shifting your body from it's parasym- er - or sympathetic nervous system to its parasympathetic nervous system, which is rest and relaxation., which is when your sphincters start to dilate,

             

RM: and you have a lot of sphincters in your body in your body and I know you know these things - 

LD: Mmmhum.

RM: - so it's not just your pupils, but it's your throat so like....

LD: I was like, "I wasn't thinking pupils at all but okay!" [chuckles]

RM: Well that's a sphincter! There's so many cool things to learn! Letting out sound during sound during sex also encourages your partner (hopefully) that it's okay for them to make sound. 

RM: Like, if you're trying to deep throat something "uuuuuuuuhhhh" getting in your body and, like, relaxing your sphincter muscles, like, that helps. If you're trying to get something in other holes - so, like, make more sound when it's appropriate, 'cause it can also be really hot [whispers] to be quiet - 

LD: Mmmhum. 

RM: - [whispers] so that no one knows that things are happening. [regular volume] But generally speaking making sound. And that's, like, something that I needed to learn to make more sound in bed and that helped me feel more pleasure, and it also helped my partner feel more turned on because what they were doing to my genitals or whatever, was, like, working. 

LD: But you are - like - this is -

RM: This is who I am.

LD: who Reid is. Is that we could have a conversation about anything, but if you specifically go into sexuality, you've got those topics up. 

RM: I've had the pleasure of getting to hang with heros who are now friends of mine and nerd out even more. Like, having the brain sex and the Vulcan mind melds. 

LD: Yeah.

RM: I'm very promiscuous, that's not a secret. So, like, I've also gotten the pleasure and also the honor of practicing and "dancing with" a lot of people. Like, for me as a nerd that's interesting, 'cause it's, like, oh, how are bodies different? How are people's arousal arcs different? Like, what works and what doesn't? 

LD: Yeah, you're a nice, well adjusted Kinsey. 

RM: A Kinsey? 

LD: Yeah, a Kinsey. Kinsey did all the sci- he did all the research and all the reading -

RM: Oh!

LD: - and, like, all the geeking out and had sex with as many people as he could in his circle - 

RM: Mmhum.

LD: - to understand the application. 

RM: That's very sweet of you to say. 

LD: Reid, when you say a lot, what's a lot? How many people have you slept with? 

RM: [amused exhale]

LD: Do you have a tally? 

RM: I don't have a number, number. Before I became a sex geek, when I couldn't remember everybody in order I started having a lot of shame. And this is another thing that's really interesting is

RM: I have a lot of sexual shame I'm just - I just know that about myself. And, I have lovely friends who are very generous with their genetals. 

LD: [laughs]

RM: Like, I ask I'm like, "Hey, I am ashamed about this thing." and they're like, "Oh! Would you like to try it now?" and I'm like, "It requires seven people." and they're like, "I can make seven phone calls." 

RM: And so, like, my friends will get together to help me work through my shames about certain things, because I have a fear that people that people can't love me or won't love me for what I desire. And having worked with thousands of people around sexuality, like, that's common for a lot of us. 

RM: For me, I have exercised my courage muscles that when I feel shame, I tell people close to me about what I'm feeling ashamed about, which is also a useful skill, like, if it's around money or whatever. And then I have friends who are also sex geeks and sex nerds who are like, "Do you wanna do it?" 

LD: "Let's do it!" 

RM: like, "We can love you for this". And sometimes I try things and then I'm like, "Ooo, I didn't like that." like I don't think -

LD: But then it's a choice. 

RM: Yeah, and, like, "I don't wanna do that again. Like, I don't think I liked it". And then there are other things where I'm like, "I'm not sure if I like it yet. I don't know if it's because I don't feel like I'm competent at it so the competency/confidence loop isn't there, or maybe my body just doesn't like it? Or maybe it doesn't like it with you." 

RM: Or, like, all these other things that make sense to me where I can, like, navigate and kind of sift through all these things, and just be like, "Huh. Yeah. I dunno, let me try it again or not". 

LD: I think we can relate to you in the having sex shame - I think it's a little bit trickier for people to relate to you in the, "I have friends who can make phone calls to seven people to have an orgy that, uh, heals my wiener". 

RM: What kind of friends do you have, folks, like, this is - maybe they're on the app [chuckles]

LD: Maybe they are [laughs]

RM: [cackles]

LD: Before I met you, I heard about some of your proclivities - 

RM: Like, what were they - 

LD: Your slut magic.

RM: My slut magic? 

LD: Uhm, yeah -

RM: [whispers] hashtag "slut magic". 

LD: - I think it was - I was at a conference and you were in a cube

LD: - with people where people could watch in the box. 

RM: Oh yeah! 

LD: Like, watch from the outside what was going on in the box in the inside and you were - 

RM: Yup. 

LD: - different things. And then I was at a show where they were talking about you in third person and said you have this reputation for having slept with everyone at the conference. 

RM: That's not true.

LD: You're right, because I was at the conference. 

RM: Wuh - 

LD: I am so proud! I'm like - 

RM: Can I talk about - it's not reverse slut shaming we haven't found a name for this yet - 

LD: Okay, yeah.

RM: - but there is a really interesting thing as somebody who identifies as a slut -

LD: Mmhum. 

RM - I also identify as queer and polyamorous, and my ego things it's lovely and my humorous side thinks it's funny that everyone says, "Reid has slept with everybody."

RM: The darker side of it is some people don't understand why I haven't slept with them yet, and they think something's broken with them because if, "Reid sleeps with everybody" why won't he sleep with me? 

RM: But, there are other people that are very confused when I go to a play party and if I'm playing with a lot of people - 

LD: Mmhum.

RM: - there can be people that are like, "You know, I've known Reid for a long time, and he's never -"

LD: (?~9:01)propositioned you? 

RM: " - played with me, like what's wrong?" And so, like, just as a Megaslut or Megasexual - which is a term some people use for folks like us - there is this thing that I have to remind people. Like, "Listen, I actually don't sleep with everybody." 

RM: I sleep with who I wanna sleep with. It's not like I don't want to sleep with somebody but somebody has, like, "Hey I wanna do this thing. I wanna dress up like Captain America and have everyone dress up as the Avengers and have a gang bang." and I'm like, "That sounds amazing." 

LD: [chuckles]

RM: I would wanna participate and help - 

LD: Mmhum. 

RM: - even if I didn't wanna have sex with that person because acts of service are one of my love languages and how cool to help, like, being a lube caddy or - 

LD: Mmhum.

RM: - a person who's a helper. There's a lot of layers there when you start talking about being "slutty" and what that means and what other people make it mean. It's cute that everyone says, "Reid slept with everybody at the conference." but there's an undercurrent there that can really fuck with people. 

LD: So, how can we do it better?

RM: Well, I mean, we can do it better by practicing

RM: creating spaces where it's safe to talk about things that we're afraid to talk about. I mean, there's also a lot of stereotypes and assumptions about men and being promiscuous. 

LD: I don't wanna take your language away from you but is it possible that you're not promiscuous and you are a slut? 

RM: Well wh-

LD: Doesn't promiscuity imply that you don't descriminate? 

RM: I don't know. I - what's the Latin? That - that's a Lindsey question. 

LD: Coral, do you have this information? 'cause I think that - I mean, I think that promiscuity is awesome, but I also think part of it is that you don't descriminate. 

RM: I don't take my casual sex casually. I have a little mantra of, "Leave the campsite better than you found it."  

RM: Part of my journey in figuring out who I am and oh my goodness, like, I'm really not monogamous, and deconstructing those pieces.

RM: Like, part of my journey was trying to figure out, like, well, how do you have casual sex but leave people feeling great about it and not take it for granted; and try to have all the conversations and set the expectations so that we can have a fun time and not have it have to mean anything we didn't agree on. 

RM: Then there's a lot of complexities around attachment styles, and how we imprint and start to fall in love. Like, what happens when we haven't dated anybody in a long time, we haven't gotten touched in a long time - then you have really good sex with somebody? 

RM: Or a date? That you haven't had a date in a long time goes, like, those three day weekend dates with sleepovers, and then all the sudden it's Monday and you're like, "[whispers] You're my soul mate."

RM: How do you delay that kind of imprinting so the two of you or the more of you can figure out, like, what do we actually want to do? That was great and I'm starting to kind of clingy. And do those things with some sort of savvy. 

RM: And so figuring those things out for me, I have a thing that's called the "Causal Sex Protocols", and that's just a checklist of, like, "These are things that if you do them, people tend to fall in love if you're having really good sex." 

LD: You have a thing for all of the things - 

RM: I have things - 

LD: - this is what I want I want them to take away from this. Aside from all of the wonderful things you're saying, Reid is a resource for you on all the things sex. 

LD: So, if you wanna learn how to do relationships, - Reid. If you wanna learn how to come back into human contact post COVID - Reid. Is there ever going to be a post COVID - Reid. Like, all of that - 

RM: Yeah. 

LD: You are capable of guiding people through. 

RM: Well and it's - and again - like, a lot of the things that I created, the "Difficult Conversation Formula", the "Embracing the Awkward Formula" the "Casual Sex Protocols", the "Eight Armed Octupus of Jealousy", like all these things -

LD: Wait and designing play parties. 

RM: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, throwing the welcome circle for a particular kind of play party 'cause there's so many different kinds of orgies you could throw. I have very particular views on the ones and how I like to throw my play parties.

RM:  All of these ideas and principals and tools, I had to create them to solve the problems that I was running into. And that's what geeks and nerds do!

LD: Yeah!

RM: And, like, to develop the skills so you can identify what your challenges are and then how to think your way through them or borrow other people's tools, like, that's the whole thing. That's the prize. 

RM: And then, you get to be the awkward eighth grader at the school dance who knows everybody else is awkward and then you roll in with the "Embrace the Awkward Formula" and then you get to be the change you wanna see in the bedroom. Nerds.

LD: It's good. 

RM: Sex Avengers, assemble. 

LD: Were you Captain America in this orgy? 

RM: I was not. I was.... guess who - 

LD: You were Thor. You were Thor!

RM: I was Thor. 

LD: You were Thor.  

RM: With my mighty hammer. 

LD: Oh that's so good!

RM: Yeah, that's my part. Allison was Hawkeye. Author of Girl Sex 101 

LD: And? 

RM: Uh, Getting It.

LD: And? 

RM: Bad Dyke and then also - most people don't know this - a lesbian werewolf series. 

LD: So, my Sex Avengers story is that on Pateron, every time the amount increased by 50 dollars

LD: I would write a little synopsis of what it would be like for me to date one of the Avengers. So, there's this manuscript that has me dating Thor, and me dating Hawkeye - 

RM: Wow. 

LD: And a threesome with Thor and Loki because - 

RM: Well, yeah. 

LD: - I mean, like - 

RM: Brothers. 

LD: - if we're gonna do the - yeah. Wanna play this app with me? 

RM: Yes. I'm in the place where it says "Players" and then "Quickies" and then "Exercise Series". That's Kink 101 with Midori , there. Then there's Sexual Health Month. 

LD: Sexy Couples Wishlist. Your Sexual Schedule. 

RM: "Sex Tips and How-tos". 

LD: Post Pandemic Toolkit -

RM: Wooow.

LD: - you have one of those too. 

RM: Yeah. Netflix and Chill. 

LD: Okay tell me what you wanna do [chuckles]. 

RM: Uhm... I want.....

LD: Hacks for better pleasure?

RM: Yes. Now, do I have to click on it too? 

LD: I think - Oh my gosh it lets us -

RM: Are you a Morning Sex person" or an Afternoon Delight person?

LD: Yes. 

RM: I should've seen that one coming. 

LD: [chuckles]

RM: There's audio guides too. 

LD: Where do we - but where do we get the questions? Where do they ask - I want them to ask us both questions that we answer together. 

RM: I know where that is. Oh wait, "By Players". So, if I select Partners, maybe that's it. I can do things solo or I can do - 

LD: Breast massage. Vulva massage - 

RM: Oh, this -

LD: - Penis massage.

RM: Sharing Fantasies. How to Look at Your Partner Differently. When the Kids Go To Sleep. Ask an Expert. 

LD: Ooo! Ask an Expert! Who are their experts? 

RM: Dr. Kristen Mark. Zoë Kors. 

LD: Who do you know? I feel like you're way more connected with -

RM: "Submit a Question". We could be like, "Have you slept with Reid Mihalko?"

LD: [chuckles]

RM: Low hanging fruit, everyone. 

LD: Guided Scrotum Play. "Most partners of people with testicles are familiar about the sensitivity they may feel about them." That's really great language! 

RM: It is!

LD: I'm a fan. But I was hoping that it was gonna, like, ask - 

RM: Ask you questions?

LD: Ask you questions - 

RM: Should we just do rapid quetions? 

LD: How did you learn about sex? 

RM: My mom and dad had the, um, what is it? The Joy of Sex - 

LD: Mmhum.

RM: - in their nightstand. My dad had a prolific collection of Penthouse. Started reading Forum. 

LD: For him? 

RM: Forum. F-O - That. That's very funny. 

LD: [chuckles]

RM: Uhm - that was good - I started reading Forum even before I knew what the word "masturbate" meant and before I was masturbating.

RM: That's a good an-I like that answer. "How do you communicate your sexual wants and dislikes?"
LD: My sexual wants and dislikes? Probably with noises like, "nuh-uh."
RM: "Maah"
LD: "Mee"
RM: "Eh"
LD: "Let's do this instead."
RM: "Ahoogah, ahoogah, meh-meh"
LD: [chuckles] Those sound like good sounds.
RM: [chuckles] I mean, that's how we know it's like, "You're doin' it right." "Do you feel comfortable expressing your needs in the bedroom, and why do you think that is?"
LD: Yes, but I'm very calculated about it. So it's not like a, "I'm gonna give 'em to you all at once, we're going to do like a round or seven of we-we'll just see if like, what you ha-what you do and how we get to know each other and na-na-na, and as it goes on and like, "Okay, I'm gonna need this."
RM: So it's not a Christmas list, all at once.
LD: No.
RM: Yeah, okay.
LD: