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In which Hank, Katherine, Paul, Joe, Andrew, and Rob gather for the -1th day of Tour Because Awesome and Hank attempts to figure out what a podcast is.

 Digging through the trash


(vehicle noises)

Hank: Hello. It's Hank.

Katherine: And Katherine.

Hank: We're -- just arrived at the rehearsal space for the Tour Because Awesome.

Katherine: Part Deux: the Quickening.

Hank: We, uh, think we're in the right place 'cause we've seen some people walk by with amplifiers and other sound-y looking equipment. And we're waiting for the Potters and Rob Scallon and Andrew Huang to arrive so that we can start figuring out what our show's going to be like. We haven't played together in 4 or 5 months now, and we're playing a show tomorrow, so we gotta make sure we know what we're doing. The order of the day is --

Katherine: -- Poopsmith.

Hank: Poopsmith. This is Operation Poopsmith. Uh, so this is Tour Because Awesome, Day -1, Operation Poopsmith.

Katherine: The Quickening.

Hank: The Quickening.

(Intro music)

Hank: I don't know what this thing is or how we're going to distribute, but it is Podcast Because Awesome, a daily diary of the Tour Because Awesome 2.0. We're starting with Day -1, Operation Poopsmith: The Quickening.

Basically, I can also tell that it's kind of a place where people might record music frequently because it's covered in broken glass, so we've got -- it's just sparkly. Like, like, glitter all over the ground.

And there's a giant dumpster here. It's got some energy drinks in it, and we found also in the dumpster a Yankee Candle Sparkling Cinnamon Electric Home Fragrance unit that is in the shape of a reindeer. It says "Contents: One air freshener, one fragrance bottle. It lights up and glows. Sparkling cinnamon."

I don't know what--how something could smell sparkling, but I do understand how it could smell cinnamon, and I definitely do not want to plug it in, but I found it in the dumpster outside of this weird back alley lookin' dingy gross warehouse, and I felt like that's just a weird thing.

There's also a Christmas -- a bag of, of, you know, one of those like bags that people use instead of wrapping presents 'cause they're lazy? So I think maybe it was part of that. And inside there's some shot glasses and definitely some broken glass, so I'm not putting my hand inside of it, but this uh is uh -- Gamago DIY tattoo... kit, there are 132 tattoos, but it seems to have been used, but it's like uh, magnetic poetry, except with temporary tattoos, so you can like, put on--on it, you can say "And I lost laughter but have burrito" for example, you could have tattooed on yourself.

I kinda want to dump this whole bag out and see what's inside. Oh, well, I'm glad I did that. (grunts) Don't fall in the dumpster, Hank! There's a mini man cave antler ornament and also (grunts) a megaphone. (projected doubled voice) Hello? Does this work? It does! I'm so glad I did this! This is the best -- this is the best possible outcome! I'm so pleased. This is definitely going to be used for the entire tour. Oh my God, that's why you should always go inside of dumpsters.

Katherine: The moral of the story.

Hank: (lower projected doubled voice) It has other settings. I am a robot now. (normal projected voice) What about now? Oh, it's going lower. That's just more normal.  

Katherine: They're over there.  We're just in the dumpster!

Hank: (amplified voice) Hey, guys, how's it going? I found this thing! This! This device for the amplification of my voice.  It is powered by one 9 volt battery it's going to be with us for the entire tour and I'm so happy.

Rob: That's awesome. I see you guys found it to this strange alleyway.

Katherine: Is this where we're supposed to be? This is just there the Uber driver dropped us off.

Andrew Huang: Did you get my text?

Rob: Yeah, this is it.

Katherine: Oh really? Okay!

Hank: Yeah, it came from an email address, not a phone number.

Andrew: Yeah, it's cause I'm on a low budget carrier which does that, so.

Hank: (amplified unintelligible words)

Rob: Where did you get that?

Katherine: In the dumpster!

Andrew: In the dumpster? How many settings -- does it have (unintelligible) too?

Hank: (lower projected doubled voice) What about this one?

Rob: That's just, like, an angry robot setting.

Hank: (lower projected doubled voice) What. Whaaooaaooaaoo.

Katherine: I think your mouth is a little too close to that.

Hank: Maybe I probably shouldn't put my mouth on it cause I found it in a dumpster.

(all laugh)

Andrew: Was that one not packaged?

Hank: (projected voice) We found, we got presents for everyone, there's this Yankee Candle tattoo, and this man cave ornament. Uh, and this thing.

Voice 1 (?): That's not everyone.

(all laugh)

Hank: (normal voice) So Paul doesn't get anything. He's not technically in the band.

Rob: Sorry, Paul.

Katherine: It's actually, built, a little man cave.

Andrew: It is a man cave, entirely.

Rob: But that one's yours though.

Hank: Well, I don't know. It seems -- that seems like it's Joe's. I'm recording right now our tour podcast on my phone, that's why I keep shoving my phone up close to you.

Rob: oh, OK. I was wondering.

Hank: So we have arrived at the back alley rehearsal space, which I'm sure is what it's called, with Rob Scallon and Andrew Huang.

Rob: Just Weird Back Alley Rehearsal Space. Incorporated. No it's not.

Katherine: Undisclosed location. Somewhere in Chicago.

Rob: Yes, it's very secret.

Katherine: Operation Poopsmith.

Hank: That's what we're calling the first day of tour. -1 day of tour.

Rob: I didn't know you had a podcast.

Hank: We don't.

Rob: Oh.

Hank: This is going to be the tour podcast, which is a totally new thing that I don't actually know how to make work but

Rob: Oh, awesome.

(laughs) That's the plan right now.

Katherine: Just record it, otherwise none of this would be recorded.

Hank: (projected voice) I would have totally missed this whole thing with the -- this doesn't, this just sounds normal now. Or like, the cops. Pssht. This is Car 19 calling dispatch. We have a bunch of weird assholes in an alley talking to their phone.

Andrew: Exactly like the cops.

(static noises)

 Testosterone Zone (6:55)


Hank: This one has the no guns sign too, which is really encouraging to me, cause --

Rob: That's like all the Midwest right now, I frankly don't know what this law is, but like now it's any stores in the Midwest have that on them.

Hank: This has a trigger.

Rob: Yes, I don't know if it's allowed.

Hank: This is a weird place.

Rob: Yeah, so if you find the weird alleyway and you go into the weird door...in some of the old, rundown buildings, some people have just bought them and then allowed bands to be really loud there. And I gotta figure out the --

Andrew: Are these all rehearsal spaces?

Rob: Yeah, everything, the whole building is rehearsal spaces. Matt said this thing is hard to open, gotta get the sound effects in there.

(keys jingling)

Katherine: I'm good at opening doors.

Rob: I'm very bad at opening doors.

Hank: Yeah, Katherine successfully -- which one was that, that one went in and twisted a little.

(keys jingling and clanging)

Katherine: Well, that's definitely the right door.

Hank: That went.

Rob: Enter the testosterone zone. I'm reading the box they gave me for the podcast. It's not just something I say.

(all laugh)

Andrew: Enter the testosterone zone!

~~~

Hank: I feel like I should be This American Life narrating this. We're walking down this green, long hallway. The ground is plywood, just varnished plywood that looks like it hasn't been refinished in over 45 years.

There's band pictures on a door here, it's a band, they look like they probably -- oh no, it says right here, they're called Ebony Brown Live: The Band. Also, Javon and Baratone are playing at that show. And this girl's butt is out in that picture. They're still working on the door as I walk back to them. We've got the knob unlocked, now we're working on the deadbolt.

Rob: Also I told them, so you're aware, Driftless Pony Club are not the only people that practice here, so, it's weird in there, too.

Hank: Oh it's weird in there? So this is a room that DPC uses regularly?

Voice 1(?): Yes.

Hank: Hey! The door is open.

Andrew: Welcome to the testosterone zone!

Hank: Oh, wow, this is a strange --

Andrew: It actually is a testosterone zone.

Hank: It smells like cigarettes.

Andrew: Yeah.

Hank: (distorted projected voice) Oh my.

Rob: And we got the --

Hank: (coughs) Oh my god. I haven't smelled a room like this since 1998. Are there any other lights in here?

Rob: I don't... know. (they laugh)

Hank: Cause this is dark. This is a lamp. For those of you who can't see or smell what we've walked into right now --

Rob: Yeah, are, all of these empty beer cans.

Hank: -- it's a lot of empty beer cans.

Rob: Like I said, it isn't DPC, what you see, I'm just throwing that out there.

Hank: Right, it's used by a lot of -- this is --

Katherine: Just a pair of shoes in there.

Hank: I can't imagine what the rent of this place is.

Katherine: Not high!

Rob: No, not very high. But I think that's like -- I don't know, some company bought out a ton of old houses.

Hank: Yeah, well I like that, like, it's obviously like a permanent space, it's not just like a place that you come into and then leave, you can leave your stuff here which is nice. There's a ukulele.

(ukulele strum)

Hank: ...and it didn't even fix the problem.

Katherine: Really?

Hank: No, all my work.

Rob: (projected distorted voice) All my hopes and dream, gone.

Hank: Drunk? I'm surprised.

Katherine: That's nice.

Hank: OK, well you have power if the fan works, that's good.

Voice 1 (?): Oh yeah, I mean --

Hank: Maybe that, maybe this plug is not good?

(glass breaks)

Hank: Oh shit.

Katherine: Hank just broke a thing.

Hank: I definitely did break a thing.

Katherine: He broke it so hard.

Hank: It's broken now.

Rob: (projected distorted voice) We have a broken light bulb.

Singing voice on Video: (music in background) Give me back that filet o' fish, give me that fish! Give me back that filet o' fish, give me that fish! What if it were you hanging up on this wall? If it were you in that sandwich, you wouldn't be laughing at all! So give me back that filet o' fish, give me that fish. Give me back that filet o' fish, give me that fish!

Hank: (laughs) It's called Frankie the Fish. I like him.



Andrew: It's catchy.

Hank: That was a thing that people did for a while. Yeah. That sounds high quality.

Katherine: ...refrigerator.

Hank: Oh.

Voice 1(?): Oooooh.

Katherine: I'm afraid to open it.

Andrew: I don't know.

Hank: Oh, Hamm's!

Katherine: Alright, Hamm's.

Rob: Not that much...

Hank: There's even some Micky's.

Rob: The beer, for the podcast listeners, not "hams."

 Enter Harry and the Potters (11:50)


Hank: ...it turned off when I answered the phone, but Joe and Paul are here. I'm going to try and get them. Hello! I see them, they are far away. I cannot let this door close because I cannot open it.

Joe: You can't open it?

Hank: Well not once it's closed.

Joe: It's one of them doors that -- it's one way?

Hank: Yeah it's got like, it's like a fob.

Joe: Good, great, good.

Hank: Careful.

(vehicle noises)

Hank: How've I been? Good. Hi!

Paul: Hey.

Hank: You guys, your hair even matches.

Joe: Yeah, we're matching.

Hank: Come in, it's really really weird. We're -- we're sort of struggling with the lack of light in the room. I broke a light bulb.

Paul: A light bulb, oh really? Were you too tall or something.

Hank: No, I was trying to move a lamp from one place to another and --

Paul: Do we need to go get a light bulb?

Hank: I think we need a whole lamp.

Paul: I've got some Christmas lights in the back of my guitar case.

Hank: That might actually help...

Paul: ...what are you doing, are you --

Hank: I'm recording our podcast.

Paul: We have a podcast now?

Hank: Yeah

(all laugh)

Joe: Nice.

Hank: It's just for the tour. I don't know how it works. But you do.

Paul: Yeah.

Joe: It'll have a lot of fan noise in it.

Hank: Yeah, that's an important part. Wait, you guys haven't seen the best thing! (high, distorted voice) 1, 2, 1,2. Hey, hello. Are you listening to the podcast?

Paul: So you're going to put out different episodes throughout the tour, or just --

Hank: That's the idea.

Paul: Sweet.

Hank: I have no idea how podcasts work, though. So I'm going to have learn how they work.

Andrew: I think it's like YouTube--

Joe: I think it's like YouTube.

Paul: (laughs) It's like YouTube without the video.

Hank: (laughs) So I'll just upload the audio to YouTube?

(all laugh)

Joe: You don't have to look good.

Paul: That's all you need to do. "Here's our podcast on YouTube."

Hank: So far I feel like this is like, if I was listening to this it would be my favorite podcast. But it is my life, so.

Paul: Well then you're doing it right, Hank!

Paul: My life is my favorite podcast.

Joe: You may want to help us carry --

Hank: How'd that fish's song go? (high distorted voice to the fish tune) me-me-meep me-me-me-meep me-me-me-meep.

Voice 1 (?): Give me back that filet o' fish, give me that fish.

Katherine: Should I stay here or...?

 Special Guest, Giant Squidstravaganza (14:05)


Hank: So we have on this Tour Because Awesome podcast, we have a special guest who is a recent entrant into the podcasting world.

(ukulele note)

Hank: Re-entrant I should say.

Giant Squidstravaganza (Joe using a gruff voice): I was here first.

Hank: Everyone, this is Giant Squidstravaganza.

Giant Squidstravaganza: Nice to meet you.

Hank: Tell us about your podcast.

(ukulele note)

Giant Squidstravaganza: Well, it's me podcasting. It's like this but better.

Hank: And tell us about yourself, why would we be interested in just you podcasting?

Giant Squidstravaganza: That's the -- actually the real question is why not? You know, why not be interested? You should learn, I think, part of the reason I'm podcasting is do people know more about giant squids, you know? We're underrepresented in the mainstream media. So, you know, take the power back. Squid power.

Hank: Who took the power from you?

(ukulele note)

Giant Squidstravaganza: Well, humans polluting the world, and the oceans, and, um, you know it's tough to make it in a world...

(all laugh)

Paul: It's getting really sad.

Hank: Giant Squidstravaganza, tell me how do you imagine your audience?

Giant Squidstravaganza: Well, complexly.

Hank: If you want to make like really great content for people, you have to think about their needs, so how do you think about them?

Giant Squidstravaganza: I think about what they need to know about squids, and I tell them. You know, like did you know that giant squids have three hearts?

Hank: I actually did not know that.

Giant Squidstravaganza: Well, you learn something new every day Hank.

Hank: Everybody, that's Giant Squidstravaganza. Not actually in our band, but occasionally follows us around.

(clapping)

Hank: Two people are clapping.

 A song about Quarks and more rehearsal (16:10)


(ukulele strums)

Hank: Agggh I broke the string!

('Psycho'-like string music)

Paul: Oh god, sorry. Thought that was just in my head.

(all laugh)

Hank: So I've broken a ukulele that I don't own now. And a light bulb. I should stop touching things.

Andrew: So rock and roll now!

Hank: (yells) I should just like throw the ukulele on the ground, stomp on it. Alright everybody, they're giving me the saxophone, so this is happening.

(saxophone plays)

(guitar, bass, and drums join in)

Hank: (sings) A quark is a fundamental constituent of matter / Observed in 1968 through deep elastic scatter / We found that protons aren't as simple as we thought / We thought they were solid particles, but they are not / Protons, in fact, are made up of three separate pieces / It just gets more confusing as our knowledge increases / But that is what a quark is, it's a piece of a proton / And they also make up other things, including the neutron / Oh, up, down, strange charm, top, bottom / If you don't know what a quark is, it don't matter, you still got'em / And with leptons and bosons, unless somethings amiss  They make up everything that we can see and that we know exists / Quarks can join together in two diff -- / Oh, shoot, that's not the right line, that's a completely different one (stammers) This is surprisingly confusing, I've done this a hundred times. Ughh.

(instruments continue playing)

Hank: (sings) Ohhhhh Up, down, strange charm, top, bottom / If you don't know what a quark is, it don't matter, you still got'em /And with leptons and bosons, unless somethings amiss / They make up everything that we can see and that we know exists

(instruments continue playing)

(keyboard plays)

(saxophone plays)

Hank: Andrew Huang!

(guitar plays)

Hank: Quarks can join together in two different ways / Baryons and mesons, but most instantly decay / If a particle has three quarks, then it's a baryon / And if there's one quark and an anti-quark, then it is a meson / These tiny bits of matter are a part of almost everything / And there is no unified theory to make it less confusing / But the fact that we've identified that they exist at all / Is so god damn remarkable that I just sit in awe / Oh, up, down, strange charm, top, bottom / If you don't know what a quark is, it don't matter, you still got'em / And with leptons and bosons, unless somethings amiss / They make up everything that we can see and that we know exists!

Rob: Was that shorter?

Paul: A little bit.

Joe: Yeah

Hank: Yeah that was shorter, sorry. But you guys picked up on my cue! That was fantastic!

(all talking)

Joe: You sound great on the sax, man!

Hank: I can play two notes now!

Paul: I think we can teach you the two right notes, and it would actually sounds pretty good.

(saxophone plays two notes)

Joe: No, no, no, they don't even -- what do you mean they weren't right, there are no wrong notes!

Paul: There are no wrong notes.

Hank: I mean, teach me more notes, though. I want to be able to play high notes.

(saxophone squeaks out high note)

(all laugh)

Paul: No, that's the only one you need.

Hank: You liked that one?

(lower saxophone note)

Joe: We can give you a smaller saxophone.

(note continues)

Hank: I don't -- how do you play a fucking higher note? I should be able to do that...

 Family Matters and elevators (19:50)


Hank: Urkel's from Full House, which takes place in San Francisco.

Joe: No, Urkel's not in Full House.

Paul: Urkel's from --

Hank: Oh, Family Matters, yeahhhh. Well, they were the same show.

Joe: It's a spin-off of Perfect Strangers!

Paul: It's a Perfect Strangers spin-off.

Hank: Right, cause Carl was the elevator operator.

Joe: And then he became a Chicago cop.

Hank: Better job.

Paul: Definitely a better job.

Hank: Well, not as safe.

Joe: I don't know, you ever been stuck in an elevator?

(all laugh)

Hank: Nope, thank goodness. Although I did recently find out that no one has ever died in an elevator free fall.

Rob: Really? Is that true?

Hank: Yeah. Except for possibly when whole buildings fell down. But, one person has been in an elevator free fall and they lived.

Paul: Huh.

Joe: Only one person has been in an elevator free fall?

Hank: Yeah. So people have fallen down elevator shafts, but the actual elevator car falling has only happened, like, two times in recorded history, and only once was there a person in the car.

Several people: Wow.

Giant Squidstravaganza: And that's a fact.

Hank: And it was because a plane crashed into the Empire State Building.

Voice 2 (?): Oh geez. So --

Paul: I don't remember that.

Hank: Well, it was in the '40s. You were dead. I mean, not alive. What's the thing called when you're not alive? Dead.

(all laugh)

Joe: What's that thing when you're not alive? You're dead. You're dead then.

(saxophone plays)

Rob: I'm surprised, you'd think that that would at least happen once, you know?

Hank: Well it's just like, it's kind of impossible. Like you have to sever a lot of cables. Like, you can't just -- elevators are designed to hold, like, six times the weight that could ever be inside of them.

Joe: Cool design.

Hank: And then they have like side clamps, too. That are like emergency brakes over here, that aren't even cables.

Joe: So an elevator's like the safest thing?

Hank: Elevators are, according to the Elevator Association of America, 10 times safer than escalators.

Joe: How about automobiles?

Hank: Way, way, way, way -- per like mile traveled, way safer that automobiles.

Joe: 10 times safer than escalators?

Paul: (laughs) Per mile traveled?

Hank: You go a lot of miles in an elevator! Like, or an elevator goes a lot of miles in service of it's people.

Paul: I'm only traveling by elevator from now on.

(all laugh)

Joe: Only going up -- so how about the space elevator?

Hank: So far, no one has died on a space elevator.

(keyboard notes play)

Katherine: (laughs) Punctuation.

Hank: This is -- did I start recording, cause this has all been really good podcast -- I did!

Voice 1 (?): Got it.

 Should we get rid of it? And a song about an Anglerfish (22:05)


Hank: We're having a band argument about whether to include a song or not. I'm being largely voted out. I thought we'd cut a song because it's less popular and has a different vibe than the rest of the show, but I've been told that it's --

Joe: That's a good reason to keep it in.

Paul: Yeah, very good.

Hank: Okay. And also it's Katherine's favorite.

Paul: Don't you need a little chill time, too?

Hank: It has good sax solos in it. Can I play the sax solo? That's just what I want to know.

Joe: That's why Hank cut it, cause he wanted to play the sax. He was jealous.

(all laugh)

Hank: Yeah, okay, let's keep it in.

Paul: Well, I think we should at least have it ready to go. If you want to cut it out --

Rob: We can cut another song if you're worried about time.

Paul: There's no reason to worry about time. Our set's like 40 minutes.

Hank: Is that a short set?

Paul: That's short, yeah.

Hank: I don't know how sports work.

Paul: Yeah, sports? That's a good game.

Joe: Good game.

Hank: Good game.

(keyboard playing)

Hank: (speaking over instruments) In the deep sea, there's a fish.

(guitar joins in)

Hank: There's actually lots of fish in the deep sea, but this particular fish is one that I want to talk about today.

(drums join in)

Hank: It's an anglerfish. Down in the deep sea where there aren't a lot of fish, they have a hard time finding other fish when they want to shag fish, cause sometimes fish need to shag so the next generation of fish can happen.

So there's a lot of different ways to solve this problem, a lot of different ways, but the deep sea anglerfish solves it in a very unique and peculiar way that I just thought was beautiful when I first heard about it. When a male anglerfish is born, it's basically just like a thing, and like a nose and a mouth and some testicles. He's not able to take care of himself at all, he's not able to do his male fish things. He can't live on his own.

His only goal in life is to sniff out a female anglerfish, and when he finds her, he bites her. And when he bites her, an enzyme in her flesh dissolves his flesh. And their circulatory systems fuse together. And his body synesses into her body until there's nothing left of him except for basically a pair of testicles on the side of her body.

And then, when it's baby making time for her, he's there. He's always there. He's never not around for baby making. So she just releases a hormone into her blood stream, and that hormone causes what's left of him to ejaculate into the water, and she releases her eggs, and the eggs are fertilized, and the next generation of anglerfish are born. And I thought that that story was so beautiful that I wrote a song about it. And this is that song.

(different music starts playing and builds)

Hank: (singing) But I keep cruising / Can't stop, won't stop moving / It's like I got this music / In my mind, saying it's gonna be alright / Cause the haters gonna hate, hate, hate / And the players gonna play, they are gonna play / Haters gonna hate, shake, shake, shake it off, shake it off

(Katherine laughs)

Hank: Look what Katherine's doing, she was like, "what are you singing, that's definitely not -- "

Paul: That was near it.

Joe: That's like a (inaudible)

(all laugh)

Katherine: I can't hear anything but what's in my head.

 Break Time (26:10)


Hank: We've just completed about five hours of rehearsal. My voice does not feel good. It's very hot and stinky in there, and we are going outside for a break. Which will be nice. I'm hungry too, I'm not sure what to do about that.

Joe: I got the door for you, Mr. Green!

Hank: Thank you, sir! Oooh god. Outside is wonderful. We got to Chicago just in time for it to get really beautiful here. Ohhh gaaaaawd. How you doing Rob?

Rob: Doing good!

Joe: We'll be going til 9 I imagine.

Hank: 9?!

Joe: Yup.

Hank: What time is it now?

Joe: 7:11.

Hank: But we only have one song left.

Joe: Yeah, but we gotta run the set.

Rob: We gotta run the whole thing.

Hank: Uuuuugh.

(Katherine laughs)

Joe: We're still kinda sloppy, Hank.

Rob: Yeah, we're still pretty sloppy.

Hank: Oh no! That's part of the charm.

Joe: Hank, there's a thousand people at the show tomorrow. (laughs) They're paying $20.

Rob: If this was an $18 show, like it'd be alright.

Hank: Uhhh. But how?

Rob: Do you guys want to practice tomorrow morning? Or is that -- ?

Hank: That makes sense to me, but I don't know how morning tomorrow morning has to be.

Joe: You gonna lead the audience in a yoga session?

Hank: No, just you guys backstage. They'll be fine, I'm worried about our long-term viability.

Joe: Us being old people?

(all laugh)

Hank: Yeah. When I say viability, I mean dying.

Katherine: The thirty year olds.

Hank: On tour.

Joe: Dying on tour. (laughs) On tour.

Hank: Yeah. I'm not worried about you two. Cause you guys are veterans. And you're like a kid. (Andrew laughs)

Katherine: Mostly he's worried about Hank.

Hank: I'm worried about me, mostly.

Paul: Andrew travels for a lifestyle.

Andrew: I have traveled for a lifestyle, but I'm done after this tour.

Paul: Andrew does that Superman sleep thing.

Katherine: Totally.

Andrew: Yeah I did that for one week.

(all laugh)

Hank: Did you find yourself to be miserable?

Andrew: I loved it, but it was just not sustainable.

Hank: Mmm.

Joe: Did it make you like wanna throw up?

Andrew: No, it's just normal tiredness. But --

Hank: All the time?

Andrew: -- a long, lot of -- no, you get like second winds every day. But then I feel like the lack of sleep adds up over time.

Voice 1 (?): What's up man?

Hank: Hey, Matt.

Voice 2 (?): What's up?

Matt: How's it going? How's your guys' tour going?

Paul: Pretty good. Yeah, doing alright. Had some good shows.

Joe: Yeah, we're powering up.

Paul: Yeah, working hard.

Joe: Leveling up.

Paul: We're working hard on this tour, it seems like.

Joe: What do you mean? We're just driving. What do you mean? You're old!

(all laugh)

Hank: So, we took a break -- this is Hank from the future -- we took a break and we went out to the street where it didn't smell as bad and it was less humid and there was more oxygen in the atmosphere, and we sat down and we made snitchwiches, which is an invention of Harry and the Potters. It's just peanut butter sandwiches with Golden Grahams. So, peanut butter, Golden Grahams, and bread. And there was a bit of, like a glob of peanut butter that didn't make it onto a sandwich, and we figured that we would just leave it for the street animals to consume and enjoy, so we just left it there. And then this happened.

 Peanut Butter Foot (29:30)


Paul: This is what it - oh no!

Andrew: Where is it?

Paul: Where'd it go?

Hank: Oh, did you step in the peanut butter?

Andrew: No I didn't, but it's gone.

Hank: It's gone though. Ohhhhh! (?)(unintelligible)

Katherine: It figures! (laughs) -- leave a trail.

Hank: I mean, usually when you got stuff stuck in your shoes it's worse that peanut butter.

Rob: This is better.

Katherine: You should still kind try and wipe that off there, cause it's like tracking all over the --

Andrew: This is like pre-dog shit.

Hank: (laughs) Pre-dog shit. It might have been dog shit someday. Right in the middle. I stepped in your peanut butter!

Joe: You stepped in my peanut butter? Heh heh heh heh!

(all laugh)

Hank: Proud of yourself?

Katherine: (accented) Peanut butter foot.

(all laugh)

Hank: (accented) My name is Hank "Peanut Butter Foot" Green. Hey Rob, where's the bathroom?

 We are all bat-people (30:30)


(band playing)

Hank: (singing) ...is not actually caused by evil


Paul: (singing) We are all bat-people

Hank: Batman's just a rich guy with an affinity for bats / Who's playing out his insane fantasy / How is that heroic? / Batman's actions and values are / A reflection of our own values and actions / To make the world better / Does Batman understand how difficult it is / For an underfunded city like Gotham / to replace roads and bridges / We see ourselves in the cracks of his facade / In his anger and frustration / Because we have all those things, too / Hank John John Hank John Hank Hank John / You've got Batman entirely wrong / John, we are all bat-people / Hank, Gotham never gets better for long / Crime is not actually caused by evil

Paul: (singing) We are all bat-people

Hank: Crime is caused by systemic disenfranchisement / And poverty / And lack of access to job opportunities / We are not the heroes Earth needs / But the heroes Earth just happened to get / Hank John John Hank John Hank Hank John

Paul and Hank: (singing and clapping) You've got Batman entirely wrong / John, we are all bat-people

Hank: (singing) Hank, Gotham never gets better for long / Crime is not actually caused by evil

Paul: (singing) We are all bat-people

Hank: (speaking) Alright everybody, I want us to come together in harmony on this contentious topic. I'd like this side of the room to be me, and this side of the room to be John. Now I'm going to speak to you, and my friend Paul is going to speak to me -- that's confusing, I recognize. So we're gonna, my side over here we're going to say (singing) Crime is not actually caused by evil

Paul: (singing) We are all bat-people

Hank: Crime is not actually caused by evil

Paul: We are all bat-people

Hank: Yeah! Crime is not actually caused by evil

Paul: We are all bat-people

Hank: Crime is not actually caused by evil

Paul: We are all bat-people

Hank: Crime is not actually caused by evil

Paul: We are all bat-people

Hank: Crime is not actually caused by evil

Paul: We are all bat-people

Hank: Crime is not actually caused by evil

Paul: We are all bat-people

Hank: 2-3-4 You've got Batman entirely wrong / John, we are all bat-people / Hank, Gotham never gets better for long / Crime is not actually caused by evil

Paul: We are all bat-people

Hank: Crime is not actually caused by evil

Paul: We are all bat-people

Hank: Crime is not actually caused by evil

Paul: We are all bat-people

Hank: Crime is not actually caused by evil

Paul: We are all bat people

Hank: Crime is not actually caused by evil

Hank and Paul: We are all bat-people

(clapping)

 Tour Problems (33:25)


Hank: So we started at 3, it now 9. That rehearsal went very well, with the possible exception of me making it so that I cannot sing tomorrow. But we'll see.

Paul: Drama queen. Drama queen Hank Green.

Hank: Yeah. I gotta eat lemons and honey.

Rob: I still got like two hours of practice.

Hank: I know. How's your crotch.

Joe: Yeah, we can't --

Rob: Sweaty and uncomfortable.

Hank: Isn't not like -- are you wearing your like -- a hole through your pants yet?

Rob: Uhh, they're a little bit, yeah.

Hank: Yeah, you need to reinforce your crotches.

Joe: Do you think that --

Rob: When your pants are so sweaty, and you're playing drums a lot, they just rip. They get wet and they rip. Some pants info for the podcast.

Hank: Yeah, well, drummer info, anyway.

Craig: Hello.

Hank: Hey Craig!

Craig: Hey.

Hank: You're on the podcast.

Craig: Oh. We're doing a podcast?

Hank: I don't know.

Craig: You don't know?

Hank: I've decided I want to do a podcast episode every day we're on tour.

Craig: Okay.

Hank: Which is crazy.

Craig: That is crazy.

Hank: But I don't know how hard it is.

Craig: Uh, every time I go on tour I think I'm going to be more productive than I am.

Hank: Yes.

Craig: So, just to warn you. (laughs)

Hank: Thanks. Tips from a pro.

Joe: Just warning ya.

Hank: Well I got the baritone right now. But anything above right here, no thanks. Katherine didn't forget --

(audio noises)

 End (34:45)


Hank: Hello. I'm back in the hotel room now. My voice sounds like this. But tomorrow I'm sure I will be repaired. We're gonna run through the set again. And this has been episode one of Podcast Because Awesome: Operation Poopsmith: The Quickening. Katherine's laying in bed next to me and she's very happy.

(Katherine clapping)

Hank: I got applause. So yeah, thanks for, thanks for, thanks for listening. It's been a pleasure. DFTBA.