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A video about my dog, Lemon, who is a retired racing greyhound, a cuddlebear, a fart face, and a herp-a-derp-apotomus. Katherine and I spent all day yesterday thinking of these:

If Lemon were at a 90 degree angle to a wall...she would be DERPENDICULAR!

If Lemon violated the first law of thermodynamics, she would be...A DERPETUAL MOTION MACHINE

If Lemon were a middle school attack move, she would be a PURPLE DERPLE!

Every year on Lemon's birthday, we throw her a DERPRISE PARTY!

If Lemon were a professional thief, they would call her...

wait for it....


That's all we got...but seriously we love her very much and you can find a greyhound adoption agency near you (if you live in America) here


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A Bunny
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Good morning John, today I'm going to tell you a story... my shirt's inside out. Good morning John, today I'm going to tell you the story of my ridiculous dog. My dog is named Lemon, and she is a bit of... ah, how to put this delicately.. a derp? For example if she was a Pulitzer Prize-winning novel she would be The Color Derple; if she were a sexually-transmitted disease she would be a herpa-derpes simplex; if she were a 19th century lawman she'd be Wyatt Derp; if she were a large species of sub-Saharan African mammal she would be a herpa-derpa-potomas. Lemon loves to get into cars, but hates to be inside cars. She loves the little children's section of the playground. She hates dog toys, if she ever hears a toy squeak she will never go within five feet of it ever again. Greyhounds in general have oddly shaped bodies which makes it hard for them to sit down like normal dogs, and it also means it's not comfortable for them to lay on their bellies so oftentimes they lay on their backs (we call this the roach). She often sleeps with her eyes partially open, and twitches while she's doing this which makes her look like a freaky zombie dog. The vocalizations of the Lemon are somewhat varied; she does bark but only very rarely, she much prefers to howl and her noises of patheticness are so varied and nuanced that she's earned the nickname Lemonus Patheticus. She is also afraid of the cat. Lemon's second-favorite thing is to run, because it of course is what she was bred to do. Although she's getting a little older so she's not at her top speed anymore; on the track her top speed was about 34 miles per hour, point three miles in less than 30 seconds. In addition to Lemonus Patheticus we also call her Lemoncino, Lemoncello, Lemon Pie, Liz Lemon... That is in fact the reason why she is called Lemon. Her track name was Tina Fey. Interesting thing about greyhounds: unlike every other kind of dog, you can actually go onto a website, search for their name and find out everything about them. What their litter-mates were named, 39 generations of previous sires, brothers and sisters and half-brothers and half-sisters and every race they ever ran in and how they did. It also shows you their ear-tag numbers which is totally strange to, like, see a number on a website and also tattooed on the inside of your dog's ear. This one, on this ear actually, the five is the month she was born and the four is the year she was born so we know that she was born in May, 2004. Through this website we learn about all kinds of fascinating things like that all of Lemon's litter was named after the 2004 cast of Saturday Night Live and that Will Ferrell, her brother, was the best racer of the litter winning 20 of his 63 races, and that Lemon's dad Craigie Whistler sired over 5000 racing dogs! What? Of course, poor guy, he wasn't actually there for any of the conceptions. Virgin births! Every one a virgin birth! Lemon is wary or even afraid of things she hasn't experienced before and when we first got her pretty much everything was something that she hadn't experienced before: bicycles, rivers, breeds of dog that weren't greyhounds. Her introduction to the Green household was a very confusing time for her, but the one thing that she took to immediately was her third favorite thing after food and running, and that's cuddling, and she's just a cuddlebear and we love her very much and if you are at all interested in getting a dog you should check your local area for greyhound adoption agencies. There are lots that need homes (my foot's asleep, my foot's asleep! ahh) For people who are asking about the Project for Awesome, yes it's happening, December 17th and 18th. We should have the website up very soon, but before then you should be thinking of working on your videos for charitable causes. This was a good example of one that might be a Project for Awesome video but in fact isn't. John, I will see you on Friday.