(Music plays)
Hank: In the taxi on our way to Congress, where we're attempting to get a Nerdfighter to give us a tour of the house floor, and also maybe some other parts of Congress. Fingers crossed that this works.
We're in the Rayburn Congress building offices, offices of Congresspeople. There's special elevators just for Congresspeople, we don't get to ride those. We're trying to get to the fourth floor, and I assume that this elevator will take us there eventually.
Andrew: What are you going to lobby for?
Hank: Pennies should stop. We're just throwing pennies on the floor.
Paul: This might be one of the nicest elevators I've ever been in.
(?) Alright, congress elevator photo.
Paul: Owned by the American people.
Hank: An elevator owned by Americans.
Paul: It's cool to be in something that I have a one in three hundred millionth share in. (they laugh)
Hank: It's not so bad.
Rob: We paid for this elevator.
~~~
Hank; Yeah, you can just walk up, yeah. Anybody can just, it says "Welcome, please come in."
Joe: I think that's how democracy's supposed to work, right?
Hank: Yeah, it just doesn't seem like that's how it works. This is a long hallway. It's a very wide long hallway, with very nice doors. I think this is us.
Rob: Do we knock?
Hank: Yeah. Apparently. Well, it says, "Welcome, please come in."
Lady: Hello. Oh, come in.
Hank: Hi. We're here for Ellen.
Lady: Yes. Please come in.
Ellen: Hi, my name is Ellen, and I work for Congress in the House of Representatives.
Hank: And we just found you on the steps.
Ellen: Yeah, I was walking home from work and you guys were standing in front of the Capital and I recognized Hank and Paul and Joe and said hi.
Hank: Thank you.
Ellen: And offered you guys a tour, because that's a thing I can do.
Hank: How did you get this job doing this thing?
Ellen: I started as an intern. I moved out here after college and I wanted to do something important and this is something that I really like, so I started interning for about six months and ended up getting hired by my current boss, and I've worked for her ever since.
Hank: Cool.
Ellen: Yeah.
Hank: Thanks for showing us around.
Ellen: No problem, I'm glad you guys could make it, I was worried you weren't going to be able to, so I'm glad you guys could all make it. So I'm going to recommend you guys leave most of your stuff here, you can't bring in, like, big bags, things like that.
Hank: OK
~~~
You have both phones? Why do you need...
Ellen: Plural.
Hank: Why do you need two phones?
Ellen. Work phone, mi phone. Yeah.
Hank: Does the entire US government use blackberries still?
Ellen: Yeah.
Hank: That's embarrassing, I'm embarrassed for our country. (he laughs)
Ellen. Here's the thing, I never think that like this is my fun phone, so I never send dumb e-mails and I never like drunk tweet cuz this is not the same thing.
Hank: Right. This is your government phone.
Ellen: Yeah.
Chyna (? 5:30): Or take pictures.
Ellen: Yeah, so it's like...
Chyna: That's very smart, I like that.
Ellen: So they're like "you can get a nicer BlackBerry" and I'm like "I don't want a nicer blackberry, this one is fine. For me to hastily type out e-mails on." So yeah. How has your guys' day been?
Hank: Good.
Ellen: how was your trip?
~~~
Hank: It says subway to capital. It's like a special... yeah, inter-building subway system, that's not normal. I want an inter-building subway system.
~~~
Hank: I want an inter-building subway system. Uh-oh, does he have a nice? He might have still his pocketknife.
Katherine: Pffft
Hank: We just use it to open beers and sometimes
Andrew: Spread peanut butter.
Hank: spread peanut butter. Yeah, he was not very attached to that knife, he almost threw it away just 'cause he didn't want to clean the peanut butter off of it.
Paul: He forgot his knife. In his pocket.
Hank: Oh, Joe.
(?): Knife?
Katherine: Knife?
Hank: Alright, so we're in the little subway car, I'm making air quotes because there's no ceiling or sides.
Katherine: It's like a monorail.
Hank: I guess it's a sub--
Katherine: It's a sub...rail.
Ellen: Powered by freedom.
Hank: So now we're in Congress.
Ellen: Now we're in the Capitol, yeah.
~~~
Hank: Yes, there's a sculpture down here called "The Apotheosis of Democracy".
Katherine: That's a good name.
Hank: There's another one over here that's called "The Apotheosis of Democracy". Apparently, it's part of a series.
Katherine: A series.
Hank: Hey, Andrew, how's it going?
Andrew: I feel very special.
Hank: I feel kind of cramped. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven. Maximum capacity was 12 persons we had 11.
Andrew: We were close.
Ellen: We were fine, we probably could've fit one more person in here.
Hank: Oh yeah, totally.
Paul: An elevator could've held six times that many people.
Hank: It's true. We've had... conversations about elevator capabilities.
(people talking over each other) (? 7:30)
Hank: Hello?
Katherine: Uno mas.
Paul: We could have fit...
Katherine: Pass
Paul: No, we could have fit... 84 people? 72?
Hank: 12 times 6.
Ellen: Well, not comfortably.
Rob: Could not ave fit, but could have sustained...
Paul: Could have carried.
Rob: The weight maybe.
Hank: Couldn't have fit in.
Paul: Besides the whole like, human density, full to capacity, like physically full.
Hank: Yeah, if you filled it with blood.
(murmuring)
~~~
Hank: Oh man, we're in the Capitol. We're in it. There's a cop, there's a Capitol policeman right there, he's like seven feet tall, super tall cop. No photos or video in second floor hallways around house chamber, but it says nothing about podcasting, so that's another reason--yeah, that's a big painting.
Katherine: Taking pictures is prohibited.
Hank: Taking pictures is prohibited, but I can describe it to you.
Katherine: It's was a big paiting.
Hank: It was a big painting of lots of people.
~~~
We've come into the public area now, it is louder with more children. Creepy basement.
Ellen: Would you guys indulge me in a group photo?
Katherine: I like it.
Hank: Yeah.
Ellen: Kevin McCarthy also had a--has an office right next door to mine, but that's his personal office, so that's like for the people in his district in Central California, not campaigning. We can't even like, we barely say that word in this building, like, someone's like, "I'd like to donate" and we're like, "Why don't--no." You can't. It's very, very separate. We get in lots of trouble.
Hank: Basement.
?: I learned that on Parks and Rec.
Hank: Ohhhh. It's creep--yeah, we got pipes!
Ellen: (? 9:20 so much echo) Piping.
Hank: Low ceilings. Lots of big rocks. ooh, ooh. Oooh, a closet. Oh yeah, you're getting us nice and lost, we're gonna have no idea where we are.
~~~
This--I assume that rollerblades aren't allowed, but this would be really great rollerblading.
Ellen: I don't think so cuz it's really uneven.
Hank: No no, it's a smooth uneven. I mean, it's polished.
Ellen: It's not like a...
Hank: I-- yeah, this would be fun. It's also downhill right now, which i think is weird.
Ellen: Yes. Well, we're coming off of Capitol Hill
Hank: Right, but it's strange to have just a really slow hill. So the entire, the entire walkway drains to there, but why? Why do they think that there's going to be a bunch of water in here?
Katherine: 'Cause it's below ground and we're at sea level.
Hank: I guess, yeah, yeah, that's a good point.
Katherine: Maybe it's gonna flood.
Hank: Yeah, yeah, it is--
Katherine: This is not a good, really, area for building it.
Hank: Yes, we did build our nation's Capitol in a flood plain.
Katherine: In a swamp, and then it burned down, and then we built it again. In a swamp.
~~~
Ellen: --three House buildings.
Hank: Which one is the nicest?
Ellen: Rayburn, the one here.
Hank: Okay, so you're in the nicest one?
Ellen: Yeah, but it's the farthest away from the good cafeteria, so toss up. And like, the Starbucks is in the Longworth building, so.
Hank: But then the Senate building is much nicer?
Ellen: Everyone--everything there is nicer, everything there is nicer, everyone there is taller.
Hank: I just assume? Okay. All the Senators are taller?
Ellen: Better looking, it's just--
Hank: I would--I bet they are, on average.
Ellen: Yeah.
Hank: Yeah.
~~
Ellen: Well, I know you guys are late. The best way to get out of here, oh, thank you--
Hank: Great to meet you.
Ellen: Lovely to meet you guys.
?: Yes.
Ellen: Hug everybody. We'll just, everybody in, everybody in, just bring it in.
Hank: Aww, aww.
~~~
Hank: Did you lose your knife, Joe?
Joe: Yeah, it's OK.
Hank: Yeah I know, but like... It's a thing that happened.
Joe: Yeah, that happened.
Hank: The government stole your knife.
Joe: Yep. They took my knife. I-- I mean is it really infringing upon my second amendment rights?
Hank: Yeah, you should've said "I have the right to bear this pocket knife. It's from a thrift store."
Joe: Yeah, I got it at a pawn shop for three dollars.
Hank: Who pawned a pocket knife?
Joe: I don't know. Someone was done with it.
Hank: Yeah.
Joe: "I need a buck..." It was very dull.
Hank: Yeah.
Joe: It had been used--
Hank: A lot.
Joe: --quite a lot.
Hank: It was good for peanut butter.
Joe: yeah, well peanut butter knife is
Hank: It's gone now.
Joe: Gone now.